Snooping creating a huge problem...

[shadowsfall]

Hey everyone, I've posted on here a few times about my current relationship with my girlfriend (21) of 2 years. Over the course of the last year I've become very uncomfortable with her relationship with her male friend who also happends to be her boss. This guy got her a job at this company where she apparantley works side by side with him. He has already promoted her and given her a few raises in the matter of a year. Now this situation is hard because they were friends before she started working there so they do on occasion go out with other mutual friends.

 

What really messed things up was last May when she chose to go out with him solo, and then lied to me and said she was at a wedding with one of her girlfriends. The whole night I knew something was up, so I checked up phone logs the next day and found out who she was with. I asked what they did and she said they went to a movie and then to a club. I was FLOORED beyond belief! I tried breaking up with her after that but she begged for another chance because she claims nothing happened that night or any other night with him because they are just friends and nothing else. TRUST has been an issue with her ever since...

 

Now what throws me through a freakin loop is this douche is constantly texting her throughout the day and paying an inappropriate level of attention to her. She's just as guilty in my eyes because she responds to every single one of his messages. Also on occasion he's been known to text her from about midnight to 3am in the morning (only when she's not hanging out with me). Once I found this out I tried breaking up with her again because at this point I'm not buying that she has no feelings for the guy when she spends that kind of time texting him all night. We got backtogether the next day.

 

So now 3 months later I checked her phone (last night) and saw messages from this *******. A conversation about a hug she was going to give him because he made up some excuse to her work team about why she was coming in late one day.

Douche: Hey

MY SO: Hey thanks for leaving I guess you didn't want your hug

Douche: Like you were going to give me one anyways! LOL

MY SO: Well I was. But I guess you didn't want one.

Douche: Well I want to talk to you about that. It's nothing bad I just have a question to ask you. I'll talk to you tomorrow about it.

My So: I hate it when you do that! What is it?

Douche: Ok .Call me right now, but make sure you log the phone off so no one can hear your call.

 

The messages stopped after that! It's driving me insane thinking about what he could of said to her based of this conversation. Is this innocent in anyone else's eyes? This ******* is constantly giving her days off, and allowing her to do things that other people wouldn't be able to do, because its obvious (unless he's gay) he has an interest in her. I honestly do believe deep down that nothing has happened because I've heard them talk on the phone and it's nothing but friendly and not flirtatious. But when messages like this come up it really makes me wonder if I'm getting played. Any advice on my current situation would be greatly appreciated and I'm sorry for the length...

[norajane]

I don't know if she's having sex with him, but their relationship is inappropriate because she's lied about going out with him, and she's not respecting your relationship with her behavior.

 

Personally, I don't understand why you keep taking her back. Is this the kind of relationship you always wanted to have? Are you really happy living with this kind of anxiety and mistrust? Do you want a gf who is texting with YOU until 3am, or with her boss/friend/???

[Citizen Erased]

This reminds me very much of Friends where Ross was jealous of Rachel's colleague and they went on their "break" because he was constantly questioning her fidelity to him. Of course then he slept with the first girl he found pretty much and hence the whole "we were on a break"

 

Anywho what it all comes down to is do you trust her? It doesn't matter what he is trying to do, do you trust her to refuse anything but friendship from him?

 

If the answer is no then it really doesn't matter if anything is going on, because effectively your relationship is over. She has she actually ever cheated on you before? Has she ever said anything/done anything for you not to trust her? Because all I got from your post was you are jealous of this man and have made it it clear you won't be reasonable about this. SMothering her will only encourage her to do something with this guy because you are constantly validating in her mind that you don't trust her. Interesting how life works isn't it?

 

Well anyway I hope you do the best things for yourself. Good Luck

[oppath]

Yes, she has given him reason not to trust her AND him. She told him she went to a girlfriend's wedding when in reality she went to a movie and club with him!

 

That is a reason for him not to trust her with him.

 

What you need to do is tell her: there is only one reason I'd be texting a girl late at night...if I were interested. Because the only reason a guy will text a girl after 10pm or so is if he is attracted to her. With her being in a relationship, clearly he does not respect this OR she does not value the relationship enough to let him know to stop.

 

I'd want to be with a girl who, of her own volition, would say "I don't appreciate you texting me that late at night. I have a boyfriend and I don't want you texting me after 9-10 pm."

[Citizen Erased]

Yes, she has given him reason not to trust her AND him. She told him she went to a girlfriend's wedding when in reality she went to a movie and club with him!

 

That is a reason for him not to trust her with him.

 

Hey, I'm not defending her lying to him, and if she is cheating onhim hell I'd be the first to knock some sense into her, but I can easily see her reasoning behind lying to him being that he gets so jealous of her friend and she didn't want the OP to start going off about her going out with what is to her a friend. May not be the case, but it could be and they would need to address said jealousy issues.

[shadowsfall]

Thank you for all your responses... Just to clear it up for you. No she has never to my knowledge cheated on me. But what put some negative thoughts in my head was hearing the story about her cheating on her past boyfriend with a new guy who she used to work with and dated for a while. Also she made the mistake of not telling me the reduced number of guys she has been with. So let's just say from the get go she painted me a really slutty picture. AND she is a compulsive liar. She has lied to me about things, she lies to her family and lies to her friends. Now we all lie I know, however her frequency with these is terryfying.

 

Anywho what it all comes down to is do you trust her? It doesn't matter what he is trying to do, do you trust her to refuse anything but friendship from him?

 

This is the main question I've been asking myself. Since I know what he is doing is trying to **** her the question remains is she entertaining this idea by misleading him without knowing any better. I know she's nieve, and I have told her that many times what it means when a guy texts you that late, but what pisses me off is she chooses to respond to each and every message until the sunrises. You're definitely right that I don't feel like she values are relationship enough to tell the guy what is/isn't inappropriate because what might happen to her professionally. Now IMO and like everyone else said, I would only be up that late if I truly had an interest in someone. Should I excuse her actions of choosing to text him back and label her NIEVE? I mean they've been friends for longer then we've been together buy yet they've only worked together for a year. In the past he's been her shoulder to cry on when we're fighting, and source of emotional support, so maybe he's just in the FRIEND ZONE? IT seems like if something would of happened between them then that text may of sounded a little more sexually intimate, right?

[norajane]

Now we all lie I know, however her frequency with these is terryfying.

 

 

Dude, she's a compulsive liar. How can you possibly trust what she tells you?

[Trialbyfire]

She's given you no reason to trust her and every reason not to. I would ditch this little bird and find yourself someone who respects you and the relationship.

[oppath]

Hey, I'm not defending her lying to him, and if she is cheating onhim hell I'd be the first to knock some sense into her, but I can easily see her reasoning behind lying to him being that he gets so jealous of her friend and she didn't want the OP to start going off about her going out with what is to her a friend. May not be the case, but it could be and they would need to address said jealousy issues.

 

A little jealous is normal and healthy in a relationship. He does not have jealousy issues. This guy is clearly interested in more even if on her end, it is just friendship.

 

No guy is going to act like that towards a girl he is not interested in! So her responsibility is to respect the relationship.

 

I had jealousy issues in my last relationship too. I was jealous and controlling for wanting my gf to tell her ex boyfriend she was in a relationship if she was going to hang out with him 1-on-1. To her, he was just a friend, and she didn't want to hurt his feelings by telling him "I have a new boyfriend." Bullocks. He still wanted her back. I didn't have jealous issues. If you lie about my existence, that demonstrates you lie to people you care about to spare their feelings, so it destroys trust, because it means I can't trust you if you feel withholding or lying would spare my feelings.

 

This guy is interested in her. She has done nothing to make her boyfriend comfortable with their friendship as he clearly doesn't respect the fact she is in a relationship. She has the power to tell him "respect my relationship" as he is clearly not.

 

The boyfriend should be hanging out with him TOO many of the times they hang out, and he shouldn't be calling/texting after 9/10 pm. I don't call or text my female friends after those hours because I don't want their boyfriends to have any reason for concern. And yes, I am attracted to these women but I respect their relationships. The only way I'd text later were if I were interested and I didn't give a damn about the relationship and I was trying to worm my way in. I understand -- she might not see it that way -- and I doubt the OP could possibly explain that to her, but it is true.

 

No guy will text a girl at 3 am unless he hopes to eventually get in her pants!

 

It doesn't make him a jealous person to not want some dude, who she has lied about her interactions with long before there were any issues, to text his girlfriend at 3am. If a girl were doing that to me I would tell her "I'm in a relationship, could you please control yourself when you are out drinking, because I don't like receiving text messages at that hour. It's not respectful to me or my girlfriend." Sound dramatic? Anyone who is JUST A FRIEND would completely understand!

[whichwayisup]

This guy is playing with her and enjoying the ego feed...And, she is obviously enjoying the flirting game going on - The push/pull, come here, go away. I wanna hug you, but I can't...Awww ... etc... She IS getting something out of it. And, she's forgetting all about you and the relationship she's supposed to be in with you.

 

I say, break up with her NOW, tell her it's either YOU or the other guy. She cannot have both.

 

I take it he is aware of you? Sadly, my guess is, she's probably told him afew lies like you two aren't getting along, she's unhappy, that you are mean to her, or treat her badly...So, he zones in and makes HER feel good. It isn't one sided here.

 

I doubt very much she is inlove with him, she's just getting some needs met, some excitement that you can't provide for her. Either way, it's wrong and you need to end this behaviour of hers NOW. IF she says no, I can't, or gives you some other line of crap about why she can't end the friendship, then you walk away because YOU deserve better.

[oppath]

To the OP, I knew my ex girlfriends best friend was permanently stuck in the friend zone with her, but if she were in my bed and he was texting her at 3am, yes, I'd have a problem with it. I'd tell her "there is no reason for him to be texting you that late at night. Let's help him find a girlfriend."

 

Sadly, if his shoulder is the one she cries on, you can't win here. If you get into a fight about it, she'll go to him, and he'll say "he's just being insecure." You are not being insecure. His behavior -- or rather -- her allowing it, is inappropriate. Even if they are JUST friends, he is not respecting the relationship. She allows that to happen. She's young, and a lot of people don't learn what are healthy boundaries or appropriate behaviors until they have been on the other side of it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Honestly, you should just cut your losses and walk away. Things will not improve in this situation. You could insist on 'no contact', or give her an ultimatum where she chooses you or you will break up with her - but I don't think that will get you anywhere. She has spent more than half of her relationship with you being involved with him. With the ties she has with him - emotional, professional, physical (don't kid yourself by thinking that nothing has happened - even if his penis has not actually entered her vagina, I can guarantee you there has been other physical contact - no man invests the time and energy this guy has in your girl unless he is getting at least something out of it) - there is little chance she will give him and what she has invested in him up for you.

 

As for getting the guy to back off - You will never accomplish that. As long as your girlfriend is receptive, he will continue to contact her just like he is doing now. Your girlfriend would have to be the one to break the contact, and she would have to be the one to ensure it doesn't continue. I can tell you that won't happen. Even if she tells you that she is doing this, she will be doing nothing more than lying to you and making a greater effort to hide her interaction with him.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Oh, and I read one of your previous threads. What ever came of that situation? Did your girlfriend go get tested? If not, I suggest that you do. Its pretty clear now what is going on, and I hope for your sake she didn't pass an STD to you.

[shadowsfall]

but if she were in my bed and he was texting her at 3am, yes, I'd have a problem with it

 

Well the thing is about this is that it has never happened when I have been with her. I have just seen the phone logs after a saturday night where she has went out with her friends, and confronted her about it. However this hasn't happened for a at least 2months now. There's NO way I would stand for this going on continually let alone in front of my face.

 

I doubt very much she is inlove with him, she's just getting some needs met, some excitement that you can't provide for her.

 

This sucks if that's true. But I honestly believe that they are just friends, but this guy clearly has an alterior motive. And I think she may just be scared to tell this guy no because of there status at work. I love this girl with all my heart and wish there was a way to make this work without asking this from her, as much as I want to see him disapear. I've also tried to take things into my own hands and confront him, but she always seems to interject. Do you think I should call this ******* personally and talk to him? Or is it going to have to be up to her to stop contact with him?

 

Oh, and I read one of your previous threads. What ever came of that situation? Did your girlfriend go get tested? If not, I suggest that you do. Its pretty clear now what is going on, and I hope for your sake she didn't pass an STD to you.

 

Yes I did get tested and everything turned out Negative, thank god. She's also clean. They were nothing more than thoughts in my head about something I may of contracted, but everything's fine. This is another reason I think a lot of this drama about this guy might not be as severe as I'm making it. MY mind always plays tricks on me.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry but she is quite the cake-eater. Open your eyes. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be putting up with such disrespect from you? She is playing you for a fool. It sounds like there are 3 people in your relationship. It is clear that she is a liar and has no problem disrespecting you and your relationship. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Surely you can find another woman who is not a liar and disrespectful of you and playing games with another guy. Enough is enough!

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

Shadow, you keep acting as though you try to break up with her but she won't 'allow' it. What the he*ll?

 

Dude, seriously - grow a spine.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh but you seem like a totally whipped guy sitting on his couch crying into his beer because the big, bad girlfriend isn't behaving.

 

Part of your problem (a big part) is that she probably doesn't respect you because you're so wishy washy. She can walk all over you. You break up with her for her disgusting, disrespectful behavior, then the next day she basically 'makes' you get back together again. What's with this submissive behavior? That's not masculine at all. I could never respect a guy who LETS me tell him what to do.

 

TRUST me, I'm on YOUR side. But I'm not going to sugar coat things either (see my screen name). You need to sprout a set and tell this lying wench to hit the freakin' pavement.

 

Period.

[popey]

What you need to do is tell her: there is only one reason I'd be texting a girl late at night...if I were interested. Because the only reason a guy will text a girl after 10pm or so is if he is attracted to her. With her being in a relationship, clearly he does not respect this OR she does not value the relationship enough to let him know to stop.

 

I disagree with this part. I have multiple friends of the opposite sex, and we sometimes text eachother late at night, including work related stuff.

 

but the lying about being out with him; the history of being a liar; and the context of the text messages about the hug all give rise to her being disrespectful at a minimum.

 

If I learned that a female colleague told my SO that he owed her a hug b/c she covered for him at work. I wouldn't appreciate it, and would simply ask my SO to do what he could to discourage this behavior. If I learned that my SO took the time to text her to express his dissapointment that she left w/o recieving the requested hug- I would feel very betrayed. That's just not right if you're in a relationship.

[lovelorcet]

Kick her ass to the curb, and do it ASAP!

 

nuff said...

[Whyme_wtf]

You need to get out of this as soon as you can. Respect yourself. You did nothing wrong, she did.

I have been struggling with the same battles for almost a year.

(http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t130169/)

Believe me, it does not go away even if she stops her s*&t.

She is a serial dater and liar. Get mad and move on.

[zilverenvlinder]

This is the honest to God truth, sweetie, so I hope you listen to what I have to say.

 

The night she lied to you about being at the wedding, and then went clubbing with this a-hole...there is no possible way that, throughout the night, this dude did not make some sort of move on her. I'm not saying she reciprocated, one hundred percent, but something happened. Do you know how I know?

 

Because, men are crazy. (Not that women aren't, just in different ways.) If this dude had taken her clubbing, etc., and had hit on her, and she had NOT reciprocated...he wouldn't be wasting his time texting her every night. He would call her a "tease" and have moved on, or started being mean to her.

 

She did SOMETHING to give him a glimmer of hope. Whether it was just some bump and grind bullsh*t or kissing or something. I would tell that floozy to take a hike.