Girlfriend Cheated and confessed~! Want her back still !

[Lonestar23]

Been dating this girl for 7 months and can say I feel like I love her - Shes 20 and I'm 23. This is my 2nd real relationship. First was 5yrs long and now this one. This is the first time I've been cheated on. I, myself have never cheated before.

 

 

She told me before she won't see him no more but I guess afterwards she did.

 

Yesterday night she confessed to me she cheated on me with her ex-bf - She secretly saw him behind my back (happened a few times) He contacts her and I guess she agreed to hang out even tho it was only an hr only. He tried to kiss her on the lips but she didn't kiss him back nor pushed him away.

 

While we was on a break she admitted she slept with him. ( don't know if that counts since we were on a break )

 

She told him, she don't want to see him anymore.

 

I told her - the one thing that would make me give up this relationship is if she cheated. But since it happen I feel differently about it. I do really care about her a lot. And I want to give this another chance - even tho all my friends advise me against this.

 

On top of that - she regrets and feels guilty about this situation. But she can't be with me because of this. She don't want that feeling where every time she goes out with her friends or something I would give her the third degree.

 

At first after she told me what happen - I told her I can forget about this but she said no. It won't be the same anymore. Even tho she wants to be with me and I treated her so great like no one has.

 

So in the end when it really hit me I sort of blew up - saying things like " do you know how I feel? " " do you even care about me? " etc.

 

In the end - I gave her, her house keys back and left her house. ( I was pretty pissed off and tired at this point 4am )

 

Anyway - I had the whole day to think about it - NC with her and she even blocked me from AIM so I don't go saying stupid things to her (understandable)

 

Well as I come to a conclusion - I want to give this another go - but I don't know if its possible because of how she feels - ' things won't be the same '

 

ie: she might not give this another chance

 

well - What I am asking from you guys/gals at loveshack.org is for a un-biased opinion on how to handle this.

 

- Should I stick to my guns and give up and move on 'because the relationship will never be the same.'

 

- Save myself the heartache?

 

OR

 

- Listen to my mind and heart and try to convince her to give this another chance?

 

Thank You.

[Trialbyfire]

Why do you want her back?

[norajane]

Move on. She cheated and SHE broke up with YOU and is already cutting off contact with you. It's not up to you at this point to 'decide' you still want this relationship. She has already made the choice to break up with you.

 

She said she's breaking up with you because things won't ever be the same, but that's not because of your feelings - it's because of HER feelings. She cheated for a reason, and she knows it might happen again because she doesn't feel the way you do about her.

[Lonestar23]

because I love her.

 

I can't stop thinking about her. And I haven't spoke to her only for a day.

 

we've been thru so much together.

 

I really want to make things work with this girl. I've treated her my very best.

 

its like a part of me is missing already.

[Trialbyfire]

What is love? Love is a combination of passion, respect, trust and friendship. What elements are now missing?

[oppath]

What is love? Love is a combination of passion, respect, trust and friendship. What elements are now missing?

 

Friendship, trust, and respect are missing!

[Trialbyfire]

Friendship, trust, and respect are missing!

Exactly.

 

So OP, why do you want her back? She's repaid your love and kindness with what?

[oppath]

Another question to the original poster: did her ex even know she had a boyfriend?

 

I ask this because if NO, RUN AWAY. If yes, it doesn't make it any better.

[Lonestar23]

well b4 I blew up, while we were talking we was close to making up but she backed off.

 

yes, he knew. that jerk and I even spoke and he said straight out he wasn't trying to break us up. And this was just a few days ago.

 

you guys are right some of those elements are missing. not that they were missing thru out the relationship, just the cheating part of it.

 

she blocked me on aim b4 also so I won't be able to say something I might regret / don't mean. so I think this why she blocking me right now.

[Trialbyfire]

Look sweetie, she cheated, not you. You owe her nothing. She has to rebuild your trust and make it happen for the two of you. If she does this, you will need to forgive her to make this work. Do not give her a free pass for her behaviour. She doesn't strike me as someone who has sufficient remorse to want to change herself.

[norajane]

You had every right to get angry at what she did.

 

What would you say that you might regret? Hmm? Or is it that she just doesn't want to hear your anger, doesn't want to deal with it. She's trying to spare herself from dealing with the consequences of her actions - your hurt and angry feelings, you 'giving her the third degree' when she goes out with her friends. And she's punishing you for being upset at her cheating by cutting off contact.

 

And, yet, you're the one who wants to beg her to come back to you.

 

She kinda has you wrapped around her little finger, don't you think?

[Lonestar23]

your right - I do feel like I am the one in the wrong here while she's the one that did me wrong. I don't know why I feel this way.

 

maybe is because thru out the relationship I did my best and I treated her the best I can. I changed so much vs. my first relationship.

 

even b4 we went out she adored me. she always flirted and complimented me because she thought I was out of her league because of the girls I dated but I'm not all just about looks. Is about personality, that what counts the most.

 

I mean honestly, I feel better if her ex was 6'ft plus instead of 5'4 and looking like a jhs kid.

he treated her bad that's why her their relationship messed up. and continues to screw with her emotions over and over again by pretending to be a helpless sad kid.

 

And him, lieing to my face. he is up to my chest in height and one of my arm is bigger then his body already, gosh, sometimes I think back maybe I should of kicked his behind.

 

but none of that would solve anything.

 

sorry for the extra rant...just needed to vent on this. just I'm not understanding.

[Lonestar23]

sorry - all those posts are from my phone because I can't sleep.

 

it does seem like she has me wrapped around her fingers. sigh.

 

I would forgive her and work with her to rebuild this but the chances of that might be working against us.

 

I mean - you guys/gals just think I should call it quits too right? after all of these things she done to me/us?

 

is there any chance for salvaging this? or am I wasting my time?

 

I really do care about her and us or I wouldn't even be on here and let alone not being able to sleep.

[oppath]

Hate to say it, but I'd recommend that YOU break it off with her permanently. The damage is done and you won't be able to trust her for a long time. Plus she is 20 and she will be changing a lot as a person the next few years. Maybe she'll change for the better, almost assuredly she will on some level, but bottom line is she is at a stage in her life where she will likely be doing the bar scene, wanting to meet and flirt with others, etc. She has already destroyed your trust. Do you want to be in a relationship where you have to keep an eye open? She's not at a place in her life where you can forgive her betrayal because it will come up again and again. She is responsible, not you.

 

If you were engaged or married, I'd suggest counseling first before making a decision, but as it is, let her go.

 

And as far as her seemingly avoiding you...like Norajane said, she doesn't want to nor knows how to deal with your anger. In hindsight, my ex was the same way. She broke up with me -- but didn't tell me her ex before me proposed to her (and if they were hanging out 1-on-1 the entire time we dated, and he didn't know about me, yeah, she probably cheated -- and told me she was "just joking" when I angrily turned down her request to be FWB over email. I blamed myself for the longest time thinking I went too far. Even some of her friends said I overreacted. Maybe I did, but I was justified in being very angry, and really, her silence, her inability to take what I dished out or offer an apology, reflected HER immaturity and inability to deal with it. She wasn't able to accept responsibility for hurting me, for her acting inappropriately. Your gf, or ex, is not mature enough to handle the fallout. Of course you are angry; you have a free pass to call her a lying two-timing cheating whore! She doesn't want to hear it because she doesn't want to accept responsibility because she isn't mature enough to understand the ramifications of her actions.

 

For example, when someone claims they withheld information because they didn't want to hurt your feelings, what they mean is they didn't want to give you information that could upset you and for you to come to the realization they weren't who they claimed to be, because they don't want to risk making you angry and having to deal with your reaction. They are not concerned about your feelings at all, they are concerned about THEIR feelings. They don't want to risk their feelings being hurt, which is why they claim "but I didn't want to hurt your feelings." BS. They don't want to risk a reaction where there own feelings could get hurt.

 

Your gf is cutting you off because she doesn't want to risk getting hurt and is unwilling to accept responsibility for the pain she has caused.

[lovelorcet]

You need to learn some self-respect and fast. Even if you work things out, this girl will continue to jerk your chain around in the future as well. She is too young and immature for the type of relationship you are looking for.

 

Respect yourself.

 

Grow some balls and have the courage to stay in NC and MOVE ON!

 

You may feel like sh*t for the next few weeks but if you keep this girl around your heartache will be much more prolonged.

[Trialbyfire]

It's easy to become a doormat for someone you care about. You give, they take. Works right? Nope. Healthy relationships don't work that way. The functional relationships give self-esteem and self-respect to both of you.

 

I want you to think about how much you've given and how much she's reciprocated throughout this relationship.

[Lonestar23]

I have given a lot in this relationship - time after time I showed how much I care for her and how great of a bf I can be vs. the old self.

 

- Learn to cook things for her ( never cooked for anyone before her )

- Took her to all the special places

- Be there for her whenever she needed - emotional support, you name it.

 

And the list goes on...

 

Yea, I am a doormat to her to some degree. Its always me who comes to her. When ever a fight/argument breaks out I am always the one who goes to her to try to fix things. No matter whose at fault.

 

But I do give her the fact she does give me support when I do need it also - times when tests comes or job interviews etc.

 

And then again - there are times where she pisses me off because of her immature behavior. ie: jealous at me talking to a (girl) friend and not paying attention to her mean while she does the same to her close guy friends.

 

I really do need to grow some self-respect. But for some reason even after all this I can't help it but miss her. She is the first thing I think about when I wake up. I miss the sweet e-mails I get when I wake up and txt msgs. I miss the nice events we plan for the day ( can be as simple as trying new food or catching a movie )

 

Yeah - I do know if I keep her around this pain eventually will come back because within our 7 month relationship every 2 weeks or so we have a big fight over the same issues. And every time we fight it hurts - like this.

 

This is such a hard choice.

[Trialbyfire]

Yeah - I do know if I keep her around this pain eventually will come back because within our 7 month relationship every 2 weeks or so we have a big fight over the same issues. And every time we fight it hurts - like this.

When people fight over the same issues, especially so many times, the issues aren't being addressed. When issues aren't being addressed, they fester and corrupt the integrity of the relationship. Add this bout of cheating on top of it and what you have is a recipe for disaster, especially if you make it up with her.

 

She's not worth it. She's not going to change.

[bish]

Move on my man. Its not worth it. You will never look at her the same again. You will look at her and always wonder if she hopped in the sack with someone else.

 

Stick to your guns...trust me on this one. You will not be happy with a cheater. Kick her to the curb and find someone worthy.

 

And I don't care if it was on one of those silly "breaks". That is nothing but a load of Ross Gellar bs.

[Lonestar23]

Well it went down today..

 

Went to her house to get my stuff back and we had a talk. Pretty much basically we ended it. Told her how great it was when it was.

 

It was a good ending tho - we hugged, we kissed, I said maybe in future... just maybe.

 

 

Said our goodbyes

 

Took my last look of the house and her cat. Drove slowly down the road - because its going to be a long time before I'm probably going down that road again.

 

All the stuff is still in my back seat of the car - Don't have the heart to bring it back up.

 

Now the lonely process begins. I'm thankful I have so much friend supporting me right now - wanting to go hang out etc.

 

I want to thank you loveshack.org and the ppl who posts. Time and time again you guys come thru. Even tho I don't always follow thru with the advice but just knowing you guys are here makes me feel this much better.

 

Thank You.

[Trialbyfire]

Bittersweet but will be worth it in the long run. No doubt it will be a sad time. You seem like such a nice guy who deserves a sweet girl who will treat you well, as you deserve. ((hugs))

[lovelorcet]

Bittersweet but will be worth it in the long run. No doubt it will be a sad time. You seem like such a nice guy who deserves a sweet girl who will treat you well, as you deserve. ((hugs))

 

Agreed!

 

The next few weeks are going to suck... Just accept that and try to concentrate on yourself. Keep busy even if you have to force yourself to, even if you feel like you are just going through the motions.

 

As you start to pull your feelings away from her with time you may even start to become angry. Realizes that if fine and that you don't have to do anything about those feelings. Just burn them up with some sports or fun.

 

Hang in there man.

[Trialbyfire]

Realizes that if fine and that you don't have to do anything about those feelings.

Exactly. You'll go through the sadness, anger, pain, roller-coaster that the rest of us went through. If you want her back, stop yourself. It gets easier as time clocks off until you're completely free. And what a feeling that freedom is.

[Lonestar23]

thanks again everyone for the advices.

 

Strange thing happen again - we started txting each other.... and she msg me on aim talking to me...

 

I don't know what to do - I respond yea of cos but is this ok?

[Trialbyfire]

No contact means no contact. If you keep in touch, it's the perfect way to sabotage the methodology of no contact. No contact allows you to sever your emotional dependency on someone else.