LDRs and your Invisible Friend.

[Rollo Tomassi]

Before you read any further, go back and look at the titles of all the threads in this forum.

 

Slowly Going Insane!!!

This is hard...

Ldr???

I say to myself "What is wrong with you?"

Unrealistic Relationship

Not sure what to feel anymore

i'm broken

 

And these are just from the first page. So what's wrong with LDRS?

 

There is no such thing as an LDR, because you have no relationship. An LDR simply does not meet the criteria necessary for it to be considered a relationship. There is no reciprocity of anything more than words passing over a phone line or an IM text. Understand me here – you have no relationship. You have self-assumed accountability, self-assumed liability and internalized responsibilities to be loyal to this person, to fidelity to this idealization, and dropping what everyone outside of your LDR will regularly tell you is insanity, is a personal affront and anathema to this stupid and most insidious form of ONEitis.

 

LDRs are the most easily identifiable form of ONEitis and it would be laughable if it weren't so damaging to a guy's life progression. The LDR person would sacrifice years of his-her life in this pitiable effort to pursue a 'soulmate' across the planet or even a hundred miles away. The very thought of refuting the idea that an LDR can work is equal to denying belief this stupid, fantasized ONEitis fueled idealization that is swallowed for the better part of a life. It’s easy to criticize an LDR in the terms of questioning either party's earnestness and fidelity in entertaining an LDR and this is usually the tact that most people giving advice on LDRs follow. One or both parties are or will 'cheat' on the other over the course of time, its true, but LDRs are far more telling of a mentality that results in much more damaging consequences as a result of deeply conditioned self-expectations and fears.

 

I can't begin to list the number of otherwise intelligent and ambitious men I’ve known who've drastically altered the course of their lives to follow their ONE. Men who've changed their majors in college, who've selected or switched universities, men who've applied for jobs in states they would never have considered, accepted jobs that are sub-standard to their ambitions or qualifications, men who've renounced former religions and men who've moved across the planet all in an effort to better accommodate an idealized woman with whom they've played pseudo-boyfriend over the course of an LDR only to find that she wasn't the person they thought she was and were depressive over the gravity that their decisions played in their lives.

 

An LDR is akin to a LJBF (lets just be friends), but writ large and festering in a man's life. You play surrogate boyfriend (or girlfriend), voluntarily accepting and internalizing all of the responsibilities and accountabilities of being a woman's exclusive, monogamous partner with no expectation of reciprocating intimacy or sexuality. It is the ideal situation for a woman in the same manner a Booty Call is for a man - all sex with no expectations of monogamy or commitment. However an LDR is worse than a LJBF arrangement since it pervasively locks a man into a success or failure mentality with regards to the relationship actually being legitimate. Afterall, she's agreed to be his girlfriend (from miles away) and if he's the one to falter it's his lack of perseverance in this silly ONEitis ego-investment that dooms them. Once the LDR inevitably ends he's the one left with the self-doubt, he's the one beating himself up over wasting time, money and effort and he's the one feeling guilty whether he or she is the 'cheater'.

 

An LDR is like having an invisible friend with whom you're constantly considering the course of your actions with. Consider the personal, romantic, familial, educational, ambition-wise, business-wise, personally maturity and growth opportunities that you've limited yourself from or never had a chance to experience because of this invisible friend. When you finally divorce yourself from this invisible friend, will it have all been worth it? Guys cling to LDRs because they've yet to learn that Rejection is better than Regret. Fools will nurse along an LDR for years because it seems the better option when compared with actually going out and meeting new women who are potential rejection. They think its better to stick with the 'sure thing' than risk possible rejection, but it's the long term regret that is the inevitable result of an LDR that is life damaging. Nothing reeks of desperation or verifies a lack of confidence more than a guy who self-righteously proclaims he's in an LDR. Women see you coming a mile off, because you are a guy without options. In fact the only reason a man entertains an LDR is due to a lack of options. If you had more plates spinning an LDR would never look like a good idea. And finally, I'm sure I'll see the "not in my case" defense posted here about how you actually DO see your invisible friend once every 4 or six months. To this I'll say again, what opportunities are you censoring yourself from experiencing by playing house with a woman you only see this often? Do you honestly think you're the exception to the rule? I'm sure you do.

[Zapbasket]

Rollo,

 

Wow. Intense stuff you have here. Have you recently suffered the demise of a LDR?

 

Your post has really struck a chord with me, as I was in a 5-year relationship, 3 years of which were long distance, with him on one side of the continent and me on the other. We talked on the phone every night for 1-2 hours, and saw each other at first every month, then as funds dwindled and depression mounted (on my side), the visits became more sporadic. I felt we loved each other very much. Last September, he moved across the continent to be with me, we argued a lot, and then he broke up with me in December. I was stunned--and still am. I think a lot of my inability to overcome the pain of this breakup owes first to the genuineness of my feeling for him, but second to the fact that we were in this strange situation and the only thing that kept us going was the thought that we'd be together in the near future...and then finally it happens and poof! it's all gone and he wants nothing to do with me whatsoever--AND WE COULD BE AT EACH OTHER'S DOORSTEPS IN UNDER 20 MINUTES; this would have been a DREAM situation at any point over the past 3 years.

 

In response to your argument that LDRs are not real... I'm not sure about that. Couples who are together all the time can fail to connect in a genuine way--people who perhaps don't know *themselves* at all and move in with their partners having no clue what they're feeling or what their boundaries are. Their relationship is not made more "real" by their close proximity to one another. But it's true there's a lot you don't share when you're in a LDR. Maybe the "realness" of a relationship is comprised more of intangibles? Such as sincerity of intent (for example, I KNEW I wanted to be with my partner and if I had real doubt I'd have ended the relationship during our LDR period; I stayed in it because I was 100% committed to being with him, 100% sincere)...and the WAY partners share things rather than WHAT they share or don't share. I'm sorting this out myself so these are just ideas, not assertions. However I *do* think it's a bit of a stretch to blanketly define one type of relationship situation is not REAL--there ARE couples who survive long distance and have happy lives together afterwards. Just because it's hard doesn't mean it's impossible by definition.

 

I'm curious about your term "ONEitis"? I'm not sure I understand what you mean by it; specifically I'm curious to understand more about this statement:

 

LDRs are far more telling of a mentality that results in much more damaging consequences as a result of deeply conditioned self-expectations and fears.

 

What is this mentality you're talking about?

 

One thing I do disagree with in your post: While it might be true that in many LDRs one person faithfully hangs on while the other, in truth, is not all that committed, i.e., is "playing" the other...what's very likely often the case (as I believe was the case with my relationship) is that BOTH partners really sincerely want the relationship to work, and are sincerely invested. And what makes it all so sad is that the constant pang of hurt from the loved one's physical absence undermines trust in the other person, misunderstandings develop, and what was an honest effort from both parties with REAL love smashes to smithereens as these misunderstandings eat away the foundations of all of the very real, very strong (*something* has to inspire the parties to decide to stay together and commit despite the distance) sentiments and intentions that set the relationship in motion in the first place.

 

Anyway, these are just some thoughts. I'll be interested in your response and in what others have to say.

 

One last thing: Though I don't think all LDRs are doomed to failure, I have to say that I'll think twice before I ever pursue another LDR again. Far, far to difficult emotionally--particularly when you honestly wanted to be with the other person. I mean, look at me...I'm shattered. I'll survive, but my heart hurts so bad and I still cry a lot. I'll never know what could have happened had we ever had our chance to really, truly be together. Such a cruel irony, that, since we're in the same city as I speak. It just makes me want to rip my hair out.

[Rollo Tomassi]

Thanks for taking the time to consider what I've written here with a sense of maturity. Most times the knee-jerk response is "screw you pal, no one's ever been in love like me and my LDR are, we're gonna make it!" Most people are ego-invested into their personal relationships so any criticism about them is usually perceived as a personal attack.

 

To answer your first question, no, I haven't just recently gotten out of an LDR. In fact I've been happily married for over 11 years now. I have been in LDRs before, but the reason I started this thread was because I've personally counseled more men & women than I care to remember about their entrapment by this particulay form of pseudo-relationship. I was refered to this site by members of one of many other forums I post on and seeing that there was an entire section here devoted to LDRs I felt comppelled to start a thread.

 

One reason that I propose that LDRs don't meet the criteria for healthy relationships is because they are by nature debilitating and limiting as opposed to nurturing individual growth. In every one I've counseled the end result of an LDR has been a retardation of personal maturation. You mentioned a 3 year (of 5) LDR where you spent 1-2 hours on the phone with this person every night. This amounts to 1,642.5 hours of time you spent just on the phone if you take 1.5 hours as an average. That's a lot of time, but you can't count the amount of opportunities you limited yourself from because of that constant sense of false-committment. How often did you limt yourself or censor yourself from opportunities to grow in that time? What could you have done with all of that time and effort?

 

Most LDRs begin out of a sense of self-sacrifice. We're going to be the ones who're the exception to the rule and this silly, pollyana sense of romantic idealism eventually turns into waht really amounts to a mild psychosis. As the years grind on and your only contact is the routine phone call/IM/Email appointments you go from being in-love with your LDR to bearing them as a burden of guilt that withholds you from enjoying, exploring and experiencing life opportunities. These may amount to a career, college or new dating/relationship opportunities; in any event the LDR guilt is what mitigates those choices.

 

The mentality that I refered to in my OP was the romantic idealism of the ONE. This is commonly called ONEitis and it basically amounts to the 'soulmate myth' that there is only ONE perfect ideal person "out there" who compliments you perfectly. This ideology saturates western culture to the point that it's alomost a religion. How often have you or one of your friends said "I think he/she's the ONE?" In fact eHarmony goes so far as to sell you your 'soul mate' with their services.

 

Here's the brutally honest truth; there is no ONE. There are some good Ones and there are some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. There are literally hundreds of thousands of people who could be a great match for you as a companion in life, but none of them will ever meet the ideal. There are hundreds of thousands of people who could be your 'soul mate' not just one. But we insecurely cling to the soulmate myth because we're conditioned with this fear of missing our ONE, and all this leads to is a Scarcity Mentality. You'll do all for love, but it's a love based on fear. You'll devote 3, 5 10 years to a non or semi-existant LDR partner because they're your 'soulmate.' We'll change our majors in college, relocate to new cities, take jobs we'd never take, just because we think we'll never find that perfect ONE again if we don't. This is where LDRs begin, right here in the ONEitis mentality.

[Zapbasket]

I have to say "wow" again because once again you've really struck a chord. There's much I want to say in reply; I wish you were someone I knew who lived here in NYC so that we could discuss this face to face.

 

Let me tell you just how I lived my life in the three years our relationship was LD. The first year was fine, because I was in a demanding 1-year master's program and spent a lot of time in the library, with my partner and I flying to visit each other once a month for long weekends. Whether in this relationship or not I'd have primarily been focused on my schoolwork that year, not so much on making new friends...but *because* I was in the relationship and was committed to making it work, I deliberately cut myself from opportunities to hobnob with my school colleagues so that I was sure to be available to talk with my partner in the evenings. Pretty much I was in the library every day at 8am, had class scattered throughout the day, and then I'd stay in the library until 9 or 10pm. He'd call every evening at 10pm my time, 8pm his time. On weekends we'd talk at random times.

 

The field in which I was getting the degree, I discovered, really was not for me, and though I did well overall I got kind-of lost and couldn't finish my thesis on time. I then became one of those lost, neurotic grad students with terrible writer's block and it was a huge blow to my ego. For various reasons I chose to move home after my program was finished so that I could finish my thesis. This is embarrassing, but it took me 2 more years to finish it. Let me tell you how I lived my life during that time. I'd moved home to my mother's in a suburb, where I had no friends. Twice a week I commuted into the city to temp so that I had some pocket cash. I felt tremendous shame and guilt that I was having such a hard time, and I felt bound to bust my a** to get the thesis done. I treated it like a job, showing up at my desk every morning by 9am and working on it until 5,6,7 pm. Every evening my partner and I would talk on the phone. I pared my life down to two things: him, and my thesis. I cut out all my friends; literally they did not hear from me for 2 years. Only one friend called me religiously during that time; the others later told me they knew I was going through something I couldn't even put into words and they trusted that when I came out of it I'd be back on the map.

 

Now, part of this was because I was trying to figure out my vocation. I was asking questions like, Am I an artist, is that the life I want to lead; am I an academic? Well yes I'm good at all this stuff but I really hate academia and the thought of writing papers like this for the rest of my life makes me miserable.... Basically I was trying to tackle a lot of old issues and my thought was that if I did that now, they wouldn't plague me later on, and ultimately it would make me, and ultimately my relationship, stronger. I don't think I was wrong in that, and I'm glad I put myself through all that with my thesis because it turns out I *was* able to solve a lot of things and I'm much more clear about the kind of life I want to lead.

 

But, if I'd gone through all that and NOT been in the relationship, I would have kept in touch withi my friends. I would have moved out of my mom's sooner. I think I would even have finished my thesis sooner. I would have probably taken a full-time job and thus begun to answer some of my career questions through EXPERIENCE rather than just thinking alone in my bedroom. I just fell into a pit, a quagmire. And so did my partner. He was in a job that required ridiculous hours (7am to 7pm), he didn't like the work he was doing or the people he was working with, and then to top it off after that long miserable day he'd have to be on the phone with me every evening--plus there was a 3-hour time difference--and so he had practically no time to himself.

 

And he resented it. I'd ask him if he wanted to talk on the phone every other day, but he'd never take me up on it; he called like clockwork every evening at 10pm my time. But--and maybe this was my mistake but I was miserable at home and I missed him terribly--I'd always want to talk on the phone longer than he'd want to. It got to where he'd get frustrated and just hang up on me, and then I'd be hurt because the phone was our only way to connect, so I'd call back, an argument would ensue, etc. etc. etc.

 

I'm afraid this is going to time out on me so I'm going to continue in a follow-up post.

[Zapbasket]

We both were extremely frustrated, but we still expressed love for each other, shared events of our day, played online games together, talked each other through our respective problems, shared funny jokes, etc. As for moving to be together, that was always on the horizon. I felt like I couldn't move anywhere until I finished my thesis (mainly because I had no money), and though he was making a 6-figure salary he felt he couldn't move anywhere because he just felt lost; he'd finished his Ph.D. and felt a lot of pressure to find the right job for him and had felt it was a mistake that he'd gone into consulting rather than something more quantitative just as I felt it was a mistake for me to have pursued a higher degree in literature rather than an MBA or following my artistic leanings and becoming a writer.

 

And then, all those problems were solved! He found a quantitative job he really liked and they had an office in NYC and they funded his move here; I finished my thesis and found a job in academic publishing in the specific sub-discipline that had been the focus of my master's work as well as undergrad. EVerything worked out...but when he moved here there was so much resentment we ended up arguing constantly and he ended it with nary a warning or a discussion.

 

So I'm left with this nagging confusion, this nagging question which is why your thoughts strike such a chord in me: Was our breakup due to the long distance? Could we not have made it being together all the time? All that frustration, and no payoff. Even though I was very angry at him last fall (mostly because he acted like, "Okay, I'm here now, so what are you going to do to prove your commitment to the relationship" and I kept trying to tell him my main concern: that I had no money, literally no savings but he wouldn't listen and nor would he tell me whether he wanted me to wait to move in until I had enough money to contribute meaningfully to the rent, or whether he was willing to pay all the rent until I had enough money, and so I stayed away from the apartment altogether because I didn't know what he expected of me and didn't want to risk more anger on his part by moving in and then not being able to afford whatever he expected me to be able to pay to keep house with him), there was NO WAY I was ready to end the relationship. I'd waited too long, and the wait was too agonizing, to just give it all up now that we finally were in a position to really HAVE OUR RELATIONSHIP.

 

So, yes, I guess in one sense we're the case study for all you assert in your post: we both kept ourselves from finding more efficient solutions to our career struggles because we had so much bound up in our LDR. At the same time, though, reading your post I can't help thinking, well, ANY time you commit to ANYTHING, by definition you close out other options. That's what commitment is. Sharing a life intimately with another human being ALWAYS requires sacrifice, compromise...and if the relationship ends against your choice you'll always feel like all that time and effort you put in could have been better spent in other ways. No? There's never a free pass; you always have more options when you're single than when you're in a relationship because you're not accountable.

 

Thanks for clarifying ONEitis. I, too, believe that there is no ONE. But: finding quality people with whom you can really click is not easy. The rule of scarcity in human relationships is, in a certain sense, a rule. When you find someone you love, who inspires you, fascinates you, whose company you enjoy, whose presence in your life overall feels like a gift even if it comes with various frustrations--it makes sense to hold on. Even truly good friends are hard to find. You can always find people to hang out with, people who do interesting things or who have ideas different from your own and so discourse with them expands you...but you can't easily find people with whom you can really be REAL with, intimate with, etc. I know when I met my partner, I felt I'd encountered something very, very precious. I'd not met anyone prior to that with whom I felt the things I felt. And he always said I was "one in a billion," that he'd prayed for someone like me and then one day I just showed up out of nowhere. It's so sad to remember all the times we said things like that to each other and then to see where we are now--very likely permanently out of each other's lives.

 

Anyway, sorry for all the personal story rather than a direct response to the points you raised in your post. I just felt that an illustration was necessary to show where I was coming from. I'll be interested to hear your thoughts--namely, was our breakup inevitable? I think we both always believed it could work...just as couples in any situational configuration proceed with blind faith that it maybe could work. People do brave impossible odds to be together, no?

[Lorellie]

I am currently in a long distance relationship, and I do agree on what you say. You can't call what me and my partner has between our meetings a relationship. It's true that it all feels very stupid and unhandy and not at all what I want in my life.

Still, I do it. Because I love him, and knowing I had a love, but "threw it away" seems to me even more stupid. I would rather not have fallen in love with a guy from another country, but now I have. Giving up on love feels so wrong, that is really the only argument I have.

I have been ready to take a one-year break from school to go live in his country, just so I could have a real realationship with him, but I was told it was too much a sacrifice on my part and that it wouldn't work. I personally believed that it would help me find out if we would be able to live together, so I wouldn't, as you say, spend a long time in a pseudo-relationship just to find out that we didn't fit together in the end.

But I have been forced to stay here in a more or less gloomy state of mind, stuck with all the regulations of a relationship and none of the closeness. So why keep up with it, in spite of this great lack of benefits? Again, because of love. After nine months I'm still not interested in other men. Before I met him, I was always very flirty agaist people of the opposite sex, not even consciously, even when I was in a relationship. After I fell in love with him, that part of my personality has heavily decreased.

So even if I have tried to picture myself having it better off without him, it just doesn't work out i my head. Not because I'm being loyal to him, but because I have no desire to be with anyone else. This, I guess, is maybe just a young person's foolish view, but I can't change it.

 

And to your last paragraph; it does asume that the relationship will eventually fail. Is that your experience, that they all do? And if they don't, do people still regret that they've given up on other things in life in favour of their love?

And for the part about rejection; neither me nor my partner has ever had trouble with being rejected, but none of us has ever fallen in love before, even though we have met many people through "normal" circumstances. That was one of my secret fears earlier in the relationship, that my feelings were a result of the special situation. But even after spending two months living together I felt the same, if not even more. And after that time, the bit of excitement I had felt about having a boyfriend in another country disappeared, and I all I wanted was to have a normal relationship.

An LDR has never occured to me as a good idea. Even after we fell in love we both agreed on that having a relationship was out of the question. And still it happened, because none of us could let go of the wonderful connection we both felt.

I don't believe myself to be the exception of the rule. I am probably too stupid to see what's best for me. And maybe it will all end like you predicted, and I will feel I've wasted my time on this. I do not say you are wrong in any way. Your reasoning is very logical and I do agree on most parts.

But in return, I hope you can understand that I can't let go. Even though sense and reason are against it, my feelings are in it. I'm going to try and live as normal a life I can, with this "burden". Because in the end, this love gives me a happiness I wouldn't want to be without.

[Zapbasket]

Lorellie,

 

I can identify strongly with what you say--especially about why give up on love. I think it's the right attitude. My partner and I thought exactly the same way in the beginning. But Rollo in a way is right: ultimately the situation is untenable. You'll have to find a way to be together or the relationship will start to fall apart. Please listen to me because I ignored people's warnings and everything proved true in the end. You MUST set a plan, and stick to it, both of you. You must make regular, concrete steps towards executing that plan, both of you, and you must talk about your progress. One of you will have to make a big sacrifice; if he hedges just do it. That way you won't suffer from any "what ifs" if it doesn't work out.

 

It's very sad that even what feels at first like true love that will last a lifetime can quickly erode as time passes. This is true of regular relationships as well as LDRs. But LDRs pose a special challenge; the odds are stacked yet higher against the relationship's success. People used to tell me dreary things like this and I wouldn't listen. I wish I had.

 

Best of luck to you....

[Rollo Tomassi]

People will entertain an LDR because it was based on a previous acceptance of intimacy and being no longer convenient (due to distance) one or both parties will cling to the "relationship" because it's a buffer against potential rejection from new, potentially better intimates instead of accepting the relationship as being finished and maturely re-entering the dating pool. It's always a perceived "sure thing", even if only rarely rewarding.

 

Still, I do it. Because I love him, and knowing I had a love, but "threw it away" seems to me even more stupid. I would rather not have fallen in love with a guy from another country, but now I have. Giving up on love feels so wrong, that is really the only argument I have.

 

The reason it feels wrong is because you have been conditioned for so long to believe that there could only ever be one perfect match for you. This is a lie, and one that's made a lot of people a lot of money for a long time. How long are you going to persist in this childish belief? In the time you've spent entertaining the idea of your fantasy lover in another country, what have you missed out on? It's fear that keeps you thinking you'll "throw something away." And even if this were true, somethings need to be thrown away in order for us to mature. Your mother may have kept old baby toys you had in your infancy, but you'd feel silly playing with them now, why? Because you've outgrown them. It's time to grow up ladies. Even if the guy you're clinging to is tha bastion of honesty and loyalty and not hitting it with any opportunity he gets with other women, you're still limiting him from his own personal maturation.

[Lorellie]

So, your advice is to break up with him right away?

[Zapbasket]

It's time to grow up ladies. Even if the guy you're clinging to is tha bastion of honesty and loyalty and not hitting it with any opportunity he gets with other women, you're still limiting him from his own personal maturation.

 

It's this comment and your initial post, Rollo, that make me wonder whether you yourself were hurt in a LDR. Why is it the women who are scripted by you as the trouble-makers? If the male partner is limited from maturation, certainly so is the female partner. It seems you are a bit biased and it subtracts from the overall intelligence of your views.

 

Lorielle, I think if you use what one person says on an internet forum to cease your current relationship, that's pretty sad. Rollo has some good points, but I don't think his absolute pessimistic view need be held as the Truth in LDRs. Like I said, they CAN succeed, but you have to make a plan and stick with it so that you don't take the LDR situation to BE your relationship. You could look at the situation another way: sometimes separations enable partners to GROW when it's not taken to extremes. Sometimes people land opportunities that enable them to fulfill personal goals while also taking them away temporarily from their spouses. Sometimes the growth obtained during that time actually ENRICHES the relationship. I know a couple, both are dancers, and one was granted the opportunity to join a major dance company in Europe. She was gone for 6 years and garnered award after award. Meanwhile her partner was starting a business in their home city. They communicated all the time, visited as often as possible, and after SIX YEARS, they got back together in the same city and married.

 

Any love relationship carries risk. LDRs aren't the only theoretically "untenable" situation. Cheating is often considered untenable, and yet some couples manage to recover and become stronger as a couple, as a result. If you feel this person isn't worth the risk and the investment, then break up with him. I'm only saying that you have to take great care and HAVE A PLAN. Set a DEADLINE for the duration of the LD. I speak from experience on this one.

[Lorellie]

Yes. I was asking this question to see if there was any point in argumenting =)

I will not break up with him, since he is the only one I have ever loved, and I'm sure I would suffer more from living without that love. If I fall in love with someone else, then that would change the situation. And I could very well fall in love with someone. I have not isolated myself and narrowed the world down to just consist of my talks with him. I am trying my best to enjoy life.

As for making a plan I wish I could. If he finishes his education this year, he will search for a way to continue on a higher level in my country. I for my part, still have two more years of school to do that I can't do in his country. Also, there is a big lack of jobs here for young people, especially since he can't speak the language.

 

And I'm afraid I'm not very good with handling this situation either. A couple of weeks ago I was ready to pack my bags and leave, since I couldn't see the point in having a life without him. My parents had to use force and threats to keep me here. I have to do good in school, otherwise they will do their best to keep me and my boyfriend from talking to each other at all.

So I'm kind of stuck. I'm not satisfied with a life without him, but I can't do anything against it.

I am very well aware of that it is a very unhealthy relationship. I want to believe I've tried my best to keep this life up, but I'm afraid I'm not very strong and not that good at it, sometimes. But still, I refuse to believe that giving it up would be the answer...

Argh. LDR is really not my thing. I think I lack the right mentality.

[Rollo Tomassi]

Green, as I stated before, the first and last LDR I was in was well over 13 years ago. If my writing comes of as male specific it's because I deal with guys pining over their LDRs almost daily in my counseling. 99% of them live in a fantasy world where they earnestly believe that they have a "relationship" when some haven't seen the girl they think is playing the part for more than a year. It's an insecure fear that they MUST be in a relationship, but also it serves as a buffer to insulate them from the rejection that comes from actually having to go out and meet new women. As I said, this is paralyzing and this is what I'm trying to convey to both of you.

 

So, your advice is to break up with him right away?

 

Yes. Does that sound harsh? Does that sound like throwing the baby out with the bathwater? It wont be nearly as harsh as the regret you'll experience when you're on the other side of it looking back and wishing you had all of that time and effort and energy you poured into a situation that's not his fault for playing along, but your own for never having had the courage to make the decision for yourself. Stop clinging to the idea that the only person you could ever forge an emotional connection with lives half a world away.

 

I'm sure you've both heard that God awful song "Delilah" by now about the kid and his guitar pining away for some girl thousands of miles away in NYC. There's a reason chumps like this write songs like this. If their love was so strong why would she NOT be with him? If you truly believe that this person is the only one who could EVER be your lifelong mate why are you not there? Why are they not there? Because there's that unconcious doubt that stops you. You call it circumstance, but it's not is it? If it were you'd never have responded to this thread.

[Zapbasket]

If their love was so strong why would she NOT be with him? If you truly believe that this person is the only one who could EVER be your lifelong mate why are you not there? Why are they not there? Because there's that unconcious doubt that stops you. You call it circumstance, but it's not is it? If it were you'd never have responded to this thread.

 

Like everything in human relationships, it's not that cut and dry. Life sometimes throws things your way, especially when you're young and getting yourself situated, that pull you apart from those you love, physically and emotionally. Sometimes it's a family illness thousands of miles away. Sometimes it's a war. Sometimes it's just loving 100% but not yet being mature enough to fully know what you want and not being self-knowledgable enough yet to recognize that and act accordingly. Because life can pull you in so many directions, there's such a thing called devotion. Following your logic, why isn't marriage itself a ridiculous fantasy? Surely "'til death do you part" can inhibit maturation? DEvotion is always ridiculous from the outside POV, but it's the energy that achieves great things in this world. The athlete, the artist, the person who persists against daunting odds to bring to fruition something they passionately believe in, all these people would be "better off" if freed from the shackles of devotion. But wouldn't it be sad if nobody ventured to achieve that kind of constancy of purpose?

 

I agree with you that LDRs are very, very difficult and it's wise to consider very carefully what you're doing and what doing it is worth to you. But embarking on an LDR is not, as you make it out to be, BY DEFINITION a hapless fantasy for something that never will bear fruit.

[norajane]

If I fall in love with someone else, then that would change the situation. And I could very well fall in love with someone.

 

You say that, BUT, you also say this:

 

After nine months I'm still not interested in other men. Before I met him, I was always very flirty agaist people of the opposite sex, not even consciously, even when I was in a relationship. After I fell in love with him, that part of my personality has heavily decreased.

So even if I have tried to picture myself having it better off without him, it just doesn't work out i my head. Not because I'm being loyal to him, but because I have no desire to be with anyone else.

 

You aren't going to fall in love with anyone else while you still have this guy on your mind. You are just not going to do it. There's no room for anyone else. Everyone else will seem blah - you'll have no interest in them.

 

Relationships that start when both people are young rarely last as it is - you change so much as a person in your twenties that you'll hardly recognize yourself in a decade from now. Add long distance in another country where visits are few and far between, plus no reasonable plan to be together for years and years, and you are just setting yourself up for heartache later. Not to mention, the more you invest in this relationship, the more it will hurt when you have to end it.

 

I don't want to be such a downer, but you're in school and that's a great place to meet people with whom you have something in common and who are able to truly be with you. Imagine having this kind of love with someone you can see regularly! That's what you're giving up by staying committed to someone who isn't around, isn't going to be around anytime soon, and might never be able to move where you are because of language and job issues.

[shadowplay]

RT, what's your opinion on my situation. I'm in a LD relationship (4 1/2 miles by car apart) and we see each other every weekend -- one of us makes the bus trip to see the other. It's very likely that we'll be together in the same city permanently come spring, but there's let's say a 20% chance that we won't because of circumstances beyond our control. Is it worth it?

[norajane]

RT, what's your opinion on my situation. I'm in a LD relationship (4 1/2 miles by car apart) and we see each other every weekend -- one of us makes the bus trip to see the other. It's very likely that we'll be together in the same city permanently come spring, but there's let's say a 20% chance that we won't because of circumstances beyond our control. Is it worth it?

 

 

4 and 1/2 miles?

 

How is that long distance? You can jog that far. Or get a bicycle and be there in no time.

[shadowplay]

4 and 1/2 miles?

 

How is that long distance? You can jog that far. Or get a bicycle and be there in no time.

 

Haha oops...I meant hours, not miles.

[Zapbasket]

Especially the very last paragraph.

 

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/6795/long-distance-relationships-done-right;_ylc=X3oDMTI3dWtyczU2BF9TAzI3MTYxNDkEc2VjA2ZwX3RvZGF5BHNsawNsb25nLWRpc3RhbmNlLXJlbGF0aW9uc2hpcHMtZG9uZS1yaWdodAR6egNh

 

They *can* work, people. I don't think Rollo has as many answers as his articulate postings may make him seem to have. Don't let ANYONE talk you out of pursuing a love you believe in.

 

That said, be aware of the challenges. Don't give your heart full control. Let your head speak its thoughts, too. Really think if you have the stomach for an LDR. For that matter, really think if you have the stomach for an R, period. Frankly many people don't, and aren't even aware of it. Better to be single than in a relationship 'just because.'

[lonelybird]

There are people who succeeded in LDR. It is like marriage, some couple can make it, some couples cannot

[catrocks]

There are people who succeeded in LDR. It is like marriage, some couple can make it, some couples cannot

 

I agree with this.

 

I know people who started in an LDR and have been happily married for many years.

 

I myself was in an LDR for 2.5 years. We were together 1.5 years before he left (military) and the reason I didn't go with him was because I was in college, and I wanted to finish my degree in my country (UK) where I could afford it before I went across the world to be with him. I think that is a great reason, and we saw each other often enough that we knew what we had was worth waiting for. I didn't put my life on hold for him, I went out with friends, but we still found time every day to talk. I met loads of guys in college but I was so not interested. I always thought, if we broke up just because of the distance I'd always wonder if it could have worked, and I'd hate to live with that. As it is, I'm glad we stuck with it because here we are now, together finally and married.....

 

Just to clarify, I don't believe in "the one" either. I believe in compatibility, and at the end of the day don't people just want to be happy? I had my moments of sadness in the LDR, but now, being here with him, I know it was worth it.

 

I'm know it doesn't work for everyone, but surely it's more likely to work if you have a plan to be together and a time limit in mind for the distance part. Having that to look forward to made it so much easier. At the end of the day, like lonelybird said, some people make it and some don't, and that is the same of any relationship or marriage. If you're willing to work at it then why shouldn't it work?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

There is no such thing as an LDR, because you have no relationship. An LDR simply does not meet the criteria necessary for it to be considered a relationship. There is no reciprocity of anything more than words passing over a phone line or an IM text. Understand me here – you have no relationship. You have self-assumed accountability, self-assumed liability and internalized responsibilities to be loyal to this person, to fidelity to this idealization, and dropping what everyone outside of your LDR will regularly tell you is insanity, is a personal affront and anathema to this stupid and most insidious form of ONEitis.

 

 

 

 

she's agreed to be his girlfriend (from miles away) and if he's the one to falter it's his lack of perseverance in this silly ONEitis ego-investment that dooms them. Once the LDR inevitably ends he's the one left with the self-doubt, he's the one beating himself up over wasting time, money and effort and he's the one feeling guilty whether he or she is the 'cheater'.

 

An LDR is like having an invisible friend with whom you're constantly considering the course of your actions with.

 

 

This is purely moronic thinking which, coincidentally, more closely parallels the marriage of William J. and Hilary Clinton than it does actual romantic relationships in the modern era.

 

 

Talk about "ONEitis"...

[Timberlane]

I was in a LDR with my wife for 1.5 years when she moved back to Europe. Thankfully, that ended about a year ago and we agreed to end the marriage. It was torture. I will never do such a thing again as long as I live. I recently met someone that really held my interest and she felt the same about me. Alas, she is now ever deeper into HER LDR with some guy in Europe. Before, it appeared that this would end, but he ratcheted up the pressure. So we had to put the brakes on our potential new relationship to honor this torturous, year old path. So the whole thing is sort of like a huge snake eating it's tail. Fun, huh?

[dancinggal]

Rollo, I'm not really sure why you wanted to write all that down. I understand it, I just don't get why you'd want to come on a LDR forum and say that stuff. You are of course entitled to an opinion, but if its a pointless opinion, I'm sure all these people who need encouragement don't want to hear it.

 

Long distance relationships are hard, and like anything hard in life, they take work, commitment and a certain amount of strength to get you to the end. I'm not going to deny that at times it gets lonely, but if you know what you are getting at the end, its all good. I guess it also depends on the person you are. I, for example, am independant and pretty laid back. I don't get stressed out about stuff, I'm not the jealous type and I enjoy having some time to myself and eating ice-cream straight out of the tub for breakfast without someone asking me what I'm doing. I like the fact that I have a great plan worked out with a great guy who respects women, is kind, makes me laugh, and is incredible in bed. I feel really fortunate that he wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him, and he's moving out here to be with me. Its a long wait, but I'm ok with it. And everytime there is a bump (because there are bumps like any relationship) we are more committed than ever to make it work.

 

I'm 21 years old. Before this, I used to date a lot of guys, but nothing really interested me. Now I get to be with the funniest guy on the planet all the time, if I can just wait out the few months we have left. I'd rather take a phone call with my boy than date some guy who I have no connection with and who is probably hopeless in bed.

 

In answer to you saying we are not in a relationship, well, that's you're opinion. But I know what we have works a lot better than what a lot of my friends who are in relationships here have. At the end of the day, a relationship is what you define it to be, and if it works is up to you and the other person. You should always do what's right for yourself, and not let someone degrade what you think you have. And just so you know, I don't believe in 'the one'. I'm just looking for a guy I can have a great time with, and I've found that in him. And I wouldn't give it up for anything.

 

I'm sorry you feel that people mess up their lives to be with others, and its actually something that really concerns me with our relationship, but we've worked it all out, planned everything to make sure we are both happy and don't resent each other for anything. We've spent our time apart making sure we plan everything, so that we are both feel great about our future.

 

Don't get me wrong, there are bad times, but we can always work through them. We find ways to make sure we are both satisfied sexually. We talk, email and sms constantly. We both know exactly what's going on in each other's lives. If it was a choice between this and being single, I'd take this any day.

 

Its not an easy thing to do, to be in a long distance relationship, but its worth it. And no one could look at what we have and tell me its not a relationship.

[4whatItsWorth]

Dancinggal, couldn't have said it better myself.

 

A relationship is what you make of it...I'd not date even if I was single...I've learned that much throughout the years...