To The BS's - Don't Blame The OW

[OpenBook]

I see many BS's here on LoveShack adopt a Victim mentality toward their H's infidelity ("I was a good wife, it was his choice to cheat") and cop a morally superior attitude toward the OW (I don't even want to quote what they say, it's so repulsive). I think this is total bunk. If the BS was keeping her H happy at home, he would not be hitting on the OW. In a M, it takes two to tango. And even if the W was doing everything right at home, and he STILL cheats on her, then she can blame no one but herself for staying in a horrible situation like that.

 

Am I wrong?

[lindya]

Am I wrong?

 

That all depends on what your motive is, in posting that. Actually I think you're probably wrong either way. If you're simply expressing a genuinely held belief, then I think you're wrong. Basically you're basically suggesting that you think it's a woman's job to "keep her man happy" so that he doesn't stray.

 

If that's true, then it's also true to say that when a MM decides gets bored of and ditches his mistress in order to work on his marriage, it means the mistress has failed in the task of "keeping her man happy". The kind of generalisation you made doesn't just insult betrayed wives. It demeans all women.

 

The other possibility is that your post is intended to invite supportive bitching about BS from OW, and embittered comments from BS - thereby perpetuating the endless puerile and undignified bitching that seems to emanate (with a few classy exceptions) from both factions in this section.

[frannie]

I see many BS's here on LoveShack adopt a Victim mentality toward their H's infidelity ("I was a good wife, it was his choice to cheat") and cop a morally superior attitude toward the OW (I don't even want to quote what they say, it's so repulsive). I think this is total bunk. If the BS was keeping her H happy at home, he would not be hitting on the OW. In a M, it takes two to tango. And even if the W was doing everything right at home, and he STILL cheats on her, then she can blame no one but herself for staying in a horrible situation like that.

 

Am I wrong?

 

It's always the cheater's choice to cheat, no one else's. Personal responsibility and all that.

 

Blaming either the OW or the W is ridiculous.

[Woggle]

The blame must always go to the cheater. I don't want to vomit when I hear this stuff about how it just happened or they just couldn't resist the temptation. I hate how some people treat cheating as something that just happens to them instead of something they do themselves. OW/OM are just there to benefit off of the situation which is bad in and of itself but not the cause of the actual cheating.

[OpenBook]

Basically you're basically suggesting that you think it's a woman's job to "keep her man happy" so that he doesn't stray.

 

Yes. Basically I'm basically saying that basically when the W married her H she basically said vows that basically PROMISED him she would basically MAKE it her job. Y'know, Love Honor and Cherish.

 

The other possibility is that your post is intended to invite supportive bitching about BS from OW, and embittered comments from BS - thereby perpetuating the endless puerile and undignified bitching that seems to emanate (with a few classy exceptions) from both factions in this section.

 

Yes, but isn't it fun?? Actually if I wanted to invite bitching, I would rather draw the BS's attention away from the other threads here in the OW forum, so that the OW's could actually GET helpful and supportive advice and perspective (the whole purpose of this forum's existence) without being bombarded by a bunch of self-righteous and vindictive hypocrites. But that's just me.

[justice]

I see many BS's here on LoveShack adopt a Victim mentality toward their H's infidelity ("I was a good wife, it was his choice to cheat") and cop a morally superior attitude toward the OW (I don't even want to quote what they say, it's so repulsive). I think this is total bunk. If the BS was keeping her H happy at home, he would not be hitting on the OW. In a M, it takes two to tango. And even if the W was doing everything right at home, and he STILL cheats on her, then she can blame no one but herself for staying in a horrible situation like that.

 

Am I wrong?

 

Yes, you are wrong.

The cheater and the OW who continues the affair are to blame.

Anyone who knowingly commits adultery is at fault.

That's why they made divorce.

In my opinion, if you are that unhappy in your marriage, you should divorce, then it wouldn't be cheating or adultery and in that scenario I really don't think there would be as much adultery.

Adultery should be treated as the crime it truly is, it should come with heavy penalties and fines.

[OpenBook]

The blame must always go to the cheater. I don't want to vomit when I hear this stuff about how it just happened or they just couldn't resist the temptation. I hate how some people treat cheating as something that just happens to them instead of something they do themselves. OW/OM are just there to benefit off of the situation which is bad in and of itself but not the cause of the actual cheating.

 

Woggle I love ya man and I'm always interested in your opinion. But please, I'm begging you now, take the word "is" out of your quote. It takes away from the message. And I don't want you to look bad!

[Woggle]

What is wrong with that word?

[OpenBook]

What is wrong with that word?

 

"We live in a society that is has become nearly incapable of independent thought." I don't get it. You don't think there's anything wrong with this sentence?

[Woggle]

"We live in a society that is has become nearly incapable of independent thought." I don't get it. You don't think there's anything wrong with this sentence?

 

I notice it now. Thanks for pointing it out and I am changing it right now.

[OpenBook]

Thanks man!

[CAT100]

Personally, as an OW I do not blame the W for her H cheating. And I do not think she should blame me either. Its his decision, its his marriage, its his choice. Yes of course I am enabling him but I do not know her, I havent said vows to her, he has.

I actually dont think about the W very much, its not a competition or 'blame game' to me. I just view it that their M has been in big trouble, way before I arrived & what do I 'owe' a complete stranger? Im really not meaning to be harsh, but its not like Im her friend & am betraying her personally.

I think some BSs blame the OW because its easier than blaming their H. They have this idea that the OW is some kind of man eating serial seducer that dragged their man away & he couldnt resist. LOL. You cant drag a man away from a happy marriage. Its his choice what he does & if he choses to cheat then the W has no one to blame but him. The only exception would be if she KNOWS the OW, then obviously its different.

Also, if a BS takes him back & he does it again, then sorry but I wouldnt be hugely sympathetic. As the saying goes- [sIZE=-1]''Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!'' [/sIZE]

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'll dip into the most reprehensible period of my past to comment on this:

 

Not all OW are blameless victims of a relentlessly pursuing MM. Some are - the ones who don't know he's married, or ones who are told that MM is 'separated', stuff like that. The ones who do know from the beginning, and don't care IMO carry the equal amount of the blame. Enabling an affair in my opinion is just as bad as initiating it.

 

Unfortunately, there are predatory OW out there who target, pursue, persuade, and seduce. I know, because I was one of those types in a few of my OW experiences.

 

Not only did I not care if they were married or involved, I did everything in my power to convince them that it was ok to do and that they wouldn't get caught, and eventually got what I wanted from them.

 

I think this is total bunk. If the BS was keeping her H happy at home, he would not be hitting on the OW.

 

And yes, these were fairly happy, content guys who probably wouldn't have considered an affair had I not specifically gone after them. Who made the first move? I did. Like it or not, there are OW like this out there. Plenty of them. Some of them are passive about it - they target a guy they want, flirt, and then run just fast enough away so that MM can catch them. When the deed is done, they then try to convince themselves and others that "MM pursued me". Don't fool yourself into thinking its always some horny unhappy-at-home MM looking for tail on the side. Sometimes its simply a matter of a woman wanting and pursuing your husband, and convincing him to do it. Even the happiest of men can sometimes be tempted by the thrill of the new. The excitement of a woman who wants him badly enough to pursue him. Particularly since they are being told they won't be caught. Some bottom feeders like the type I used to be are more than happy to exploit that.

 

The guys I was with made the final decision to cheat, sure - but it was because I managed to convince them to do it. I have also fallen victim to an OW like this as well. The OW I fell victim to did the exact same thing. So, yes - blame the cheater, but understand that sometimes OW can be blamed just as much, if not more so.

 

I feel like I need a shower now. Ugh. I can't believe I used to be this way.

 

OpenBook - the type of OW I mentioned are the ones who BS tend to think are the types that went after their husbands, and I expect your post was borne from that. Sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't - but they do make it harder for the OW who really were the ones who were pursued and lied to by MM.

[reboot]

If the BS was keeping her H happy at home, he would not be hitting on the OW.

What an incredibly shallow attitude.

[nittygritty]

It is neither the BS or OW fault.

 

Cheaters cheat because they have weak egos. In most instances, they are incapable of monogamy and it is most likely that they will always cheat.

 

If they haven't started divorce proceedings within 6 months of a physical affair it is doubtful that they are going to. If the affair with the OW was all that the cheater needed in order to satisfy the needs that the W wasn't supplying at home than the OW wouldn't be the "other woman" she would be the only woman.

[Tony]

I'm going to let this thread move ahead but if it gets a negative tone or there are too many personal attacks or bitter attacks in general I will delete it and impose infractions.

 

This can be an excellent discussion, one that has taken place on this forum many times, if it can stay nice and clean.

 

Thank you for your kind cooperation.

 

Tony

LoveShack.org Director

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

If the BS was keeping her H happy at home, he would not be hitting on the OW.

It's THAT very type of statement that perpetuates the OW and BS stereotype.

 

I'm in my late 40's and have seen alot and heard alot. I've known MANY men who cheat purely for the thrill of it. Because they can. Because they like the ego rush they get from having some woman adoring them and thinking their King Sh*it. They love that most OW are more than happy to jump into bed with them virtually any time they ask. Most OW are more than happy to experiment sexually and do whatever he asks because in the OW's mind, she's 'one-upping' the wife. She's not. Because as soon as he takes the dog collar off her neck or you take the rubber sheets off the bed, he's STILL going home to wifey, isn't he?

 

I'm not a betrayed spouse. I'm currently not an OW although I was in a past life. I'm just a realist. And I've met plenty of men who say they love their wives and they love their lives - but they just can't resist the excitement of something 'strange.'

 

No matter WHAT a wife or spouse does, she can't turn herself into someone NEW. She can't morph into a 24 year old big breasted blonde who's a nymphomaniac. She can only work with what she's got. And for a lot of selfish, self-absorbed men who think with their genitals, it just ain't enough.

 

Your remark - that it's the wife's fault that Mr. Self-Absorbed is chasing other women - is pretty narrow minded. When you're jumping around like a trained seal, bending over backwards to please your mate or husband and you find out he cheated on YOU, let's see what your thinking will be THEN, shall we?

[Ladyjane14]

Don't blame the OW. Hmmm.... sounds like an imperative sentence to me.

 

Frankly, I'm free to "blame" whoever I want. My opinion is just that... MY opinion. In my opinion... the OW who deliberately involves herself with a married man is disrespectful to other people and to society as a whole. Her actions stand on their own to be evaluated separately from the actions of the MM-cheater.

 

In a case by case study, (and outside of venues like LS where there is a TOS agreement in place), I can refer to her in ANY derogatory fashion I please. I can snub her socially... and I'm not so PC that I wouldn't. I can JUDGE her to be deficient of morality, lacking in manners, naive, self-centered, coarse, emotionally immature... or apply any other verbiage that occurs to me during my assessment of her character. And there's not 'thing one' she can do about it. My opinion is MINE.

 

But likewise, so is YOUR opinion yours. These posts have no power that isn't lent to them by the reader. No one has a gun to anyone else's head forcing them to adopt the belief system of another. And so... I believe Lindya had it right:

...your post is intended to invite supportive bitching about BS from OW, and embittered comments from BS - thereby perpetuating the endless puerile and undignified bitching that seems to emanate (with a few classy exceptions) from both factions in this section.

I don't know why some people seem to find kind of bickering to be so endlessly entertaining, but apparently some do.

 

Onward and upward though....

 

 

If the BS was keeping her H happy at home, he would not be hitting on the OW.

 

I agree with LB in post #13... there are some "predatory" others out there, whose behavior is entirely self-serving and reprehensible.

 

But there are also those who earnestly believe that 'if the MM was happy at home he wouldn't be willing to cheat' ... and are willing to blame the MM/MW's betrayed spouse for his lack of fulfillment within the marriage.

 

What they don't understand about the basics of Rivalry is that "if you be THIS, then I must be THAT". IOW, whatever the married person's beef is with his/her spouse, the OP can NEVER allow those dynamics to be present in the affair (or post affair) relationship.

 

So, for the MM who claims that the only reason he cheats is because he's not getting enough sex... the OW must ALWAYS provide it. If he claims his wife is a nag, she must NEVER nag. If he claims that she doesn't understand him, she must ALWAYS behave in an understanding way, etc. etc.

 

The grand irony in all this is.... what starts out as a rationalization for entering into an affair becomes a trap of the OW's own making. Because now it is SHE who is responsible for 'keeping a man happy'. And as we all know, no one can MAKE another person happy. Happiness comes from within each one of us.

[lindya]

Yes. Basically I'm basically saying that basically when the W married her H she basically said vows that basically PROMISED him she would basically MAKE it her job. Y'know, Love Honor and Cherish.

 

Sure, but that doesn't mean that she has to be some human version of Prozac, and accept personal responsibility if he isn't happy 24/7. And I get the point about the double use of "basically".

 

 

Yes, but isn't it fun??

 

The bitching? Well...camped up bitchiness can sometimes be funny but it's got to have some kind of good-humoured essence for me to think it's fun. I sometimes see OW and BS having good-humoured exchanges - but those would tend to be the more open-minded or laid-back ones who maybe aren't as addicted to drama as the scrappers are.

[silktricks]

I'm not a BS though I was a few years ago. I'm not an OW though I was many years ago. I am, however, a woman with strong opinions.

 

1. There are some men who are cheaters. Period. Exclamation Mark! They cheat. That's what they do. They feel it is their right to bed whoever they want whenever they want. These men should never marry, but unfortunately they often do. Go figure.

 

2. There are some women such as the ones LB described who actively pursue married men. They specifically target a man and work at breaking down their inhibitions. Usually it is a slow process. They view it as a competition and they want to win.

 

3. There are men who though married enjoy flirting. They like to see women respond to them. They have no real intention of straying but like to see if they've still "got it".

 

4. Some women enjoy the thrill of the chase. They like to tease and then run. They exercise their power through sex and enjoy being the center of attention for any man in the vicinity. They have no real intention of being with a married man, it's all just "innocent fun".

 

5. There are men who are very unhappy at home. They have not had their needs met for years. They have talked to their wife about it until they are blue in the face and are still married only because they don't want to deal with getting divorced. Then they meet a special someone and fall over like they've been struck with lightning.

 

6. There are women who have no idea the man they are seeing is really married.

 

It is my opinion that the only situation of the above where it is the betrayed wife's "fault" is number 5. Though even here the man should get himself a divorce.

 

It is also my opinion that the only situation of the above where the OW does not have culpability in the situation is #6, where she doesn't know he's married. And since I've known a few women who have been in that situation I also know it does occur. The ones who immediately leave when they discover the truth are the ones I hold in high esteem.

[Curmudgeon]

If the BS was keeping her H happy at home, he would not be hitting on the OW.

 

In a M, it takes two to tango. And even if the W was doing everything right at home, and he STILL cheats on her, then she can blame no one but herself for staying in a horrible situation like that.

 

Am I wrong?

 

 

Yes, the BS has the choice to leave the marriage. By the same token, the OW or OM has the choice to honor the other person's marriage and not fish in their pond. As for the cheater, they're beneath contempt! I think the BS, in prolonged or repeated cases, is a fool to stick around and the fact that the OW or OM wants to be with a proven cheater is indicative of their low character and lack of values.

 

There are no winners here!

[stillafool]

Yes. Basically I'm basically saying that basically when the W married her H she basically said vows that basically PROMISED him she would basically MAKE it her job. Y'know, Love Honor and Cherish.

 

 

 

I don't think the wife was the only one who made these vows. Why is it solely the wife's responsibility?

[mopar crazy]

I don't blame the xOW for pursuing my WH for three years and him falling for her advancements. I don't blame her for saying she needed to talk to him and her telling him she was attracted to him and kissing him. I blame myself 100% for him cheating and not keeping him happy. I blame myself b/c I always was upset and angry b/c he chose to go out 5 or 6 days/nights of the week playing sports, drinking w/ his friends, and coming home late at night stumbling drunk. I blamed him for not being a H and a father and expecting me to raise our children alone. I was wrong for nagging and bitching at him. He got sick of it, decided that the OW wouldn't expect him to be w/ her every night. They didn't have to worry about the children to raise, the bills, the mortgage. I should have NEVER nagged at him for being gone all the time. I never should have told him if his drinking didn't stop and he spent more time at home I was leaving him. I was wrong, it was my fault he cheated. He had every right to go and be w/ the xOW. She didn't make demands on him like I did. Oh if only I had been more of a doormat he would have never had an A. It's all my fault! I deserved to be cheated on! Thank you for making me see the error of MY ways and that I deserved to be cheated on b/c I didn't make him happy and the OW showed him that she could.

[lindya]

The guys I was with made the final decision to cheat, sure - but it was because I managed to convince them to do it. I have also fallen victim to an OW like this as well. The OW I fell victim to did the exact same thing. So, yes - blame the cheater, but understand that sometimes OW can be blamed just as much, if not more so.

 

I feel like I need a shower now. Ugh. I can't believe I used to be this way.

 

At the time you were doing that, how did you view yourself LB?

[LucreziaBorgia]

At the time you were doing that, how did you view yourself LB?

 

Honestly? At the time? Invincible. I think any OW who was like I was feels that way. You feel a sort of cold, mercenary power that knows no shame or guilt. I recognize it in some other OW. I see it here on LS from time to time. They are absolutely unapologetic in what they do, and nothing you say or do will change them. As for how that sort of OW feels about the BS... well, its not easy to say but BS simply never even factored into the equation. They were seen simply as a part of the MM in the same way that having a certain hair color is, or a certain eye color is. Indifferent to the BS, and insignificant in terms of the OW/MM relationship. Its cold. Its ugly. But there it is. You won't often hear an OW admit it in those blunt terms.

 

Can they change? Yes. But they have to want to, and make an effort to. After years of working through stuff, I did. I haven't been an OW or even thought about being one in many years now. While I can empathize with the OW, I don't sympathize with the OW - particularly not the types like I was. I guess sometimes we tend to react strongest to those things we dislike in ourselves.

 

Now? I see the person I was as reprehensible, disgusting, shameful... you name it, I feel it. The things I did were outright gross. As far as I can figure it, I think I was living out some issues I had with my own mother, who herself was an OW (and I was the OC), and who left my father and gave up me and my brother for adoption so that she could be with a MM, and who married no less than nine times that we knew of and managed to cheat her way through each marriage and continued to sleep with MM the entirety of her life, until she was so sick she couldn't anymore. Then, she died. There was no funeral, and there were no mourners except for her parents and her sisters. I can't imagine living out my life in that way. Never.

 

I don't think I consciously tried to live her experience, but I ended up doing it. Perhaps it was in some way a latent attempt to try to understand her and her motives? Dunno. All I know is that its over, done with and I'll never go that route again.

 

To get back on topic, though - predatory OW are out there. They should be held accountable for what they do, and they should be blamed for what they do. Yes, the MM made the decision to cheat, but trust me when I tell you he had plenty of help and encouragement to do so.

 

As for the other OW who aren't predators, and who fall victims to MM who lie about their marital status - I do feel sorry for them. I dated a guy for six months one time, only to find out that he never broke up with his girlfriend. That can and does happen, and it sucks when it does.