Lizzie60 Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 These are my thoughts on the whole subject....I have been married a very long time. I have never cheated on my husband, and I believe that he has never cheated on me. But.....if I found out that he had, his azz would be out the door in a heartbeat. No, honey I am sorry, I'll go to counseling, etc.!!!! Cheating is a deal breaker for me. So, if he had an OW, of course I would take half of the responsibility for his straying and I would assign the other half of the responsibility to him. It would be obvious to me that I didn't have what it takes to keep this man happy for whatever reason. The OW is to me a symptom of a marriage that definitely is in trouble. How could I blame her? Us "marrieds" can learn from you OWs what we often forget in everyday life. You help me to remember that I was a sexual being long before I became a mother and wife. I am sure my husband appreciates this. You OWs can learn from us--just how hard it is to keep a marriage alive even when the kid is throwing up at 2 in the morning, we can teach you all about commitment. I can empathize with you when your relationship with your married man doesn't work out, just like I hope you could empathize with me if my marriage was dissolve. We all share the same human experience. All of us are guilty of doing things that are morally incorrect (whether we cheat, steal, drink, do drugs) at one time or another. Is it right that we judge, insult each other in the name of being right? Maybe we should just focus on being happy. I also have been in 2 long relationships for a total 34 years (common law). I am the mother of 2 children... I know what it's like to raise kids... been there... I will be a grandmother in about a month... I can't wait! I also never cheated and I don't think they've cheated... (but no one can be 100% sure). We all have our opinion on cheating... Do I think it's wrong.. yes I do... Do I really care... not really... In my case, I make sure the MM doesn't leave his family and that the A is kept secret. I really don't want a man full time. I personally don't believe in marriage and in monogamy... I don't think it's possible for two human beings to be faithful all their life to one person... but that's just me... I know some people do believe in marriage... good for them... I respect that. I like to debate with respectful people like you and WWIU... there are only a few bitter, nasty posters on the BS's side that ruins the whole thing... And I agree with you.. we ALL have done something wrong... if we say we never did .... we're liars... Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 So, if he had an OW, of course I would take half of the responsibility for his straying and I would assign the other half of the responsibility to him. It would be obvious to me that I didn't have what it takes to keep this man happy for whatever reason. The OW is to me a symptom of a marriage that definitely is in trouble. How could I blame her? We all share the same human experience. All of us are guilty of doing things that are morally incorrect (whether we cheat, steal, drink, do drugs) at one time or another. Is it right that we judge, insult each other in the name of being right? Maybe we should just focus on being happy. Do you feel that your husband does not fully control his actions? Should you truely take 1/2 responsibility? OW/OM are enablers... sometimes unwittingly so. We live in a village! Do not think that opportunity plays no part... or that there is some kind of threshold before an affair starts! We must make judgements every day! It is niave to think otherwise! I agree however that insults are unproductive! Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Do you feel that your husband does not fully control his actions? Should you truely take 1/2 responsibility? My marriage is a partnership...if I take half of the credit when things are good, then I take half of the credit when things go bad. It doesn't matter nor is it important to me who cheats, but why they felt the need to cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 I just said that for the people who don't believe in religion. I think it is wrong period, but I am religious. The situation was not okay religiously, but in today's society, that is probably considered okay socially. Sorry for the communication error. No communication error! I understood you perfectly! I'm saying that it depends on what God you pray to! I'm saying that if you believe as me, you should know that the government is not the one that creates a marriage! There is a signifigant difference in this thought! Consider it. There are other reasons you may end a marriage beyond infidelity... in the judeo-christian bible! Link to post Share on other sites
Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 No communication error! I understood you perfectly! I'm saying that it depends on what God you pray to! I'm saying that if you believe as me, you should know that the government is not the one that creates a marriage! There is a signifigant difference in this thought! Consider it. There are other reasons you may end a marriage beyond infidelity... in the judeo-christian bible! I fully agree that the government did not create marriage. THe only reason I am aware of is adultery. I believe there are other reasons to separate, not divorce. Separations need to be respected by OW/OM... until the divorce is agreed upon by both parties in the marriage, other people should be off limits religiously. I never intended to get into an argument with the OW, but it is unfair for me or the other "anti-affair" responders to be attacked for not agreeing with the OW and saying that in their opinion (and many other's) that the OW/OM are wrong. It is wrong to say that believers of marriage/fidelity are naive/trailer trash etc. just b/c they happen to be the OW/OM. This website is for advice. Sometimes people are going to tell you that you are wrong and that does not give anyone the right to attack them. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 ? Have you considered your own options lately? I'm not quite getting you here...I've got all kinds of options, that's why I don't settle for being someone's dirty little secret. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 I guess a good question here would be, how can an OW expect a BS not to place some blame on them? After all, OW willingly and knowingly participated in creating and maintaining one of the most painful experiences that BS will have in her lifetime. If you knew that someone knowingly participated in hurting you in general - regardless of whether they did it on purpose or without thought, wouldn't you hold them partly responsible? Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 ZZzzz If you didn't have such horrible split ends I'd totally grab your mop head and polish my Choo's! Soho is Sex and the City Over! *snap snap* And stop flicking your dandruff my way! You people will never get anywhere with that C-list attitude of yours! I don't have to "get" anywhere, I'm already there sweetheart. Do you work for my husband? Damn but you seem familiar! Link to post Share on other sites
Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 I guess a good question here would be, how can an OW expect a BS not to place some blame on them? After all, OW willingly and knowingly participated in creating and maintaining one of the most painful experiences that BS will have in her lifetime. If you knew that someone knowingly participated in hurting you in general - regardless of whether they did it on purpose or without thought, wouldn't you hold them partly responsible? Yes, LB, and my heart goes out to these poor women/men. This is a tragedy in a persons life and it is not fair. No matter what. The person would rather be left than cheated on. Simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 My marriage is a partnership...if I take half of the credit when things are good, then I take half of the credit when things go bad. It doesn't matter nor is it important to me who cheats, but why they felt the need to cheat. I understand the utility of your belief! Also consider the futility in this thinking. You do not control your husband. He makes his own choices. You can drive him away... you cannot drive him to cheat. Do you see the difference between external control and internal control? Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Honky-dory and dandy... but who would believe me, right? I believe you. I have no problem with MM who know what they want, get divorced and go for it. I just hope you don't have to go through what his wife did. Link to post Share on other sites
Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 To this day, I do not know if my ex physically cheated on me or not (he cheated because I found a printout of internet porn in his underwear drawer). I do not care because he was an abusive jerk and I wanted out anyway (and that gave me my way out religiously), but it sucks that I could have picked up an STD (thank God I didn't). Luckily, I wound up marrying a wonderful man. If he ever cheated I would be completely devastated. Adultery is such a painful experience... if he wanted to cheat, why not get rid of me first? Why do this to another human being? Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 I'm not quite getting you here...I've got all kinds of options, that's why I don't settle for being someone's dirty little secret. I was bieng coy. Plainly stated... have you put some more thought into your current relationship? Have things improved or are you in a holding pattern? Forgiveness? Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 I understand the utility of your belief! Also consider the futility in this thinking. You do not control your husband. He makes his own choices. You can drive him away... you cannot drive him to cheat. Do you see the difference between external control and internal control? Of course he makes his own choices. And yes, I can drive him away....the opposite is also true. But to drive someone away, you must be responsible for it right? Whom would I blame? It would have to be me right? There are also consequences for actions be it known or unknown. I will not tolerate cheating, nor would I expect him to tolerate me cheating. Maybe too simplistic, but it works for us. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 it's hard for the BS to hear that their husband like to f*ck another woman, that he gets her nice gifts, money, etc... that she puts sexy lingerie just for him... that they spend a lot of time together...that he fantasizes about her, thinks about her when he makes love to his W... or when he drives to and back from work... The BS hates to hear that her husband might be cheating as we 'post'... that he will, most likely, cheat on her one day. None of that is hard for me, because I know all the nonsense about "cheating while we post" is just that...nonsense. I know where my husband is, and seriously, if he's with the OW while she's posting on Loveshack, then she's got a bigger problem than I do. Besides, my H didn't give her nice gifts, money, etc, and he buys ME sexy lingerie that I put on for him, so I'm not bothered at all. Those comments generally give me a good chuckle. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 I was bieng coy. Plainly stated... have you put some more thought into your current relationship? Have things improved or are you in a holding pattern? Forgiveness? Improved? Things are great, they have been for a few years and many years before as well. Are you sure you're not confusing me with someone else? I forgave my husband ages ago, but I will never forget, and that's okay. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 THe only reason I am aware of is adultery. I believe there are other reasons to separate, not divorce. Separations need to be respected by OW/OM... until the divorce is agreed upon by both parties in the marriage, other people should be off limits religiously. I never intended to get into an argument with the OW, but it is unfair for me or the other "anti-affair" responders to be attacked for not agreeing with the OW and saying that in their opinion (and many other's) that the OW/OM are wrong. It is wrong to say that believers of marriage/fidelity are naive/trailer trash etc. just b/c they happen to be the OW/OM. This website is for advice. Sometimes people are going to tell you that you are wrong and that does not give anyone the right to attack them. Ah... I believe that abandonment is another acceptable reason for divorce. It's been a long time... I'd have to look that up to verify. Perhaps we should both do some research on this one! You realize that a man can look at a potential OW and say no right? In fact the responsibility to do so is ultimately his, and his alone! My previous analogy is a good one... well at least I think so. If there was no demand for drugs... there would be no drug dealers! That make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Of course he makes his own choices. And yes, I can drive him away....the opposite is also true. But to drive someone away, you must be responsible for it right? Whom would I blame? It would have to be me right? There are also consequences for actions be it known or unknown. I will not tolerate cheating, nor would I expect him to tolerate me cheating. Maybe too simplistic, but it works for us. Ah, so we say the same thing, but in different ways! Understood. LOL... Its the simplistic things in life that work the best! Link to post Share on other sites
Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Ah... I believe that abandonment is another acceptable reason for divorce. It's been a long time... I'd have to look that up to verify. Perhaps we should both do some research on this one! You realize that a man can look at a potential OW and say no right? In fact the responsibility to do so is ultimately his, and his alone! My previous analogy is a good one... well at least I think so. If there was no demand for drugs... there would be no drug dealers! That make sense? LOL, you are right about the adandonment issue. Slipped my mind... it's been a long day. Yes it is the MM/MW's responsibility to choose not to cheat. In my case, my ex swore on his soul that he cheated, and later swore on his mom's life that he didn't. How do you handle that one?lol. Isn't it still the fault of the drug dealer for trying to supply drugs? Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 You realize that a man can look at a potential OW and say no right? In fact the responsibility to do so is ultimately his, and his alone! /quote] You do realize that this sounds a lot like which came first the chicken or the egg? Hmmmm which comes first the unhappy husband or the opportunist(using this word as a what if) OW? Of course he can say no, but how did it get to that point to begin with? Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Improved? Things are great, they have been for a few years and many years before as well. Are you sure you're not confusing me with someone else? I forgave my husband ages ago, but I will never forget, and that's okay. I may be wrong, however I always got the impression that you placed too much of the blame for what happened on the OW. Yes... Never forget! Link to post Share on other sites
blowingthetrout Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Improved? Things are great, they have been for a few years and many years before as well. Are you sure you're not confusing me with someone else? I forgave my husband ages ago, but I will never forget, and that's okay. everyone knows your No Forgiveness, pfft! that pm has been around honey, I'm sure he isn't confused Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 LOL, you are right about the adandonment issue. Slipped my mind... it's been a long day. In my case, my ex swore on his soul that he cheated, and later swore on his mom's life that he didn't. How do you handle that one?lol. Isn't it still the fault of the drug dealer for trying to supply drugs? Always wondered if you could stretch that to emotional abandonment?? I suppose that's too legalistic. Your ex, may have said something to hurt you... then backtracked when he realized the damage! Only he knows the truth! Both are culpable... however... Never fail to understand where the ultimate responsibility lies! Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 everyone knows your No Forgiveness, pfft! that pm has been around honey, I'm sure he isn't confused Dont be a jerk! Link to post Share on other sites
blowingthetrout Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Dont be a jerk! okay I'll only put myself out of the closet then Link to post Share on other sites
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