To The BS's - Don't Blame The OW

[EnigmaXOXO]

If you knew that someone knowingly participated in hurting you in general - regardless of whether they did it on purpose or without thought, wouldn't you hold them partly responsible?

 

Yes. Absolutely.

 

The only exception would be if that person were completely unaware of my existence. “Without thought” doesn’t mean “out of sight, out of mind” ... and I can carry on “thoughtlessly” and recklessly by blocking out the reality of any consequential injury towards “you”.

 

I’d hold them partly responsible, whether they found that disrespectful or not.

[Havn_a_life]

I also have been in 2 long relationships for a total 34 years (common law). I am the mother of 2 children... I know what it's like to raise kids... been there... I will be a grandmother in about a month... I can't wait!

 

I also never cheated and I don't think they've cheated... (but no one can be 100% sure).

 

We all have our opinion on cheating... Do I think it's wrong.. yes I do... Do I really care... not really... In my case, I make sure the MM doesn't leave his family and that the A is kept secret. I really don't want a man full time. I personally don't believe in marriage and in monogamy... I don't think it's possible for two human beings to be faithful all their life to one person... but that's just me... I know some people do believe in marriage... good for them... I respect that.

 

I like to debate with respectful people like you and WWIU... there are only a few bitter, nasty posters on the BS's side that ruins the whole thing...

 

And I agree with you.. we ALL have done something wrong... if we say we never did .... we're liars...

 

I've heard this one before. blah, blah, blah...

[Havn_a_life]

None of that is hard for me, because I know all the nonsense about "cheating while we post" is just that...nonsense. I know where my husband is, and seriously, if he's with the OW while she's posting on Loveshack, then she's got a bigger problem than I do.

 

Besides, my H didn't give her nice gifts, money, etc, and he buys ME sexy lingerie that I put on for him, so I'm not bothered at all.

 

Those comments generally give me a good chuckle.

 

LOL I had to laugh myself.

Why do OWs always come off with those statements?

 

Being a former BW, I've had that thrown at me so many times by OWs that it's lost its taste and definitely its barbs.

The most my H, who back then was not a big spender, got the xOW was a fountain drink from the local corner grocery on his way to her house, for a before work rendezvous.

If all she got from him was a Dr Pepper, I think I can live with that. lol

[OpenBook]

It is totally unrespectful to seek the attention of someone else's husband, period. There are no good excuses to continue such a relationship once you find out this man is married. Why would a woman want to lower herself to the level of a mistress? Don't they feel they deserve more? Don't they want to be the 1st lady? Is it fun to sit around waiting for sloppy seconds? Women please, wake up! Don't be so desperate for a man that you would do anything (no matter how despicable it is) to have him.

 

Yet another BS assuming that the OW is pursuing her H... It is usually the other way around. The H is the one doing the pursuing.

 

Most BS's place the majority of the blame where it is due anyway-Their spouse that was cheating.

 

Gee, you wouldn't know it from all the accusatory BS posts here in the OM/OW forum.

 

Regardless of any permission a married cheater gives to the OP, you're still disrespecting the beliefs of the betrayed spouse, because if s/he didn't believe in marriage... s/he wouldn't BE MARRIED. What's more, a married cheater is in no position to give that permission anyway, because the marriage does not belong to him/her alone.. it also belongs to the spouse, who did NOT authorize the intrusion.

 

So richly ironic. Never mind that the MM (who, unlike the OW, took the vows to the BS) is being disrespectful to the BS's beliefs about marriage. Just ignore that little discrepancy. And as far as the married cheater not being in a position to give that permission -- tell THEM that, not the OP.

 

Your proposition that it's the wife's fault when her husband cheats conflicts with the the view Western legal systems have of these matters. Those laws have authority and applicability. Your views don't.

 

The legal system deals only with facts which are easy (or at least possible) to prove. Therefore, its scope is limited. And even so, how effective is the legal system at prosecuting a cheater, really?? It apparently isn't deterring cheaters 'round the globe one bit.

 

There whole point is respecting other people, and that point is lost here, and always will be.

 

Yup, it's lost on me. I'll start respecting a particular M when the MM starts behaving like HE does. Until then, I see no reason why I should... at least, any reason that has anything to do with "responsibility to the community," or "respect for another person's beliefs." The only valid reason for a "hands-off" approach that I can see, doesn't have anything to do with "respecting beliefs" - it's about self-preservation. I just avoid the whole situation, so that I won't be sucked in to something that's bad for ME.

 

If you ever screamed those words at me (doubtful, since I would bet I'm in better shape and have a better selection of lingerie than you could ever hope for), you would be eating your words, that is, if you could make them after I knocked your teeth back into your throat.

 

How nice of you to drop in and share your kind thoughts.

 

No sh**t! That post you quoted SCREAMED VOLUMES about the kind of - er, human being (and I use the term loosely) - she must be.

 

Ditto.

 

I'm not sure why so many OW posting on here overlook the many, many posts from BS that make no bones about blaming the MM/MW. I don't know.

 

If you could point out just a few of them, I'd be most grateful.

 

Married means "don't touch, go somewhere else, keep off the grass." It's a simple, clear, and unambiguous guideline, and a definition that has long been widely accepted.

 

By everyone except the cheating MM. Do you not see the irony??

[OpenBook]

BS: "We had arguments sometimes, sex was less frequent once the kids came along....but we were still friends and lovers. We still laughed together, ate together, slept together had good conversations...I cared about him, and he seemed to care about me."

 

Once a cheater gets found out, they might say things to their spouse like "I've been unhappy for a long time now..." "the marriage has been dead for ages" "you and I aren't really compatible." These might be truths, or they might be excuses that the cheater convinces him/herself are reality in order to justify the betrayal.

 

Betrayed, bewildered spouses come onto this board after hearing lines like this and suddenly they're bombarded with information that "people don't cheat unless the relationship's dead/all wrong." They start to wonder what an "alive, functional" marriage looks like, if not the one they seemed to have. The one where they were friends, lovers etc. Maybe they wonder "why didn't I see it?" and beat themselves up for not realising the marriage was dead...when objectively, they had no reason to believe that it was.

 

Similarly, when the OW gets "thrown under a bus" by the MM (a phrase I've picked up from this section) and he returns to the marriage, she can't understand why he'd pick a "dead marriage" over her...when the truth might well be that the marriage wasn't dead.

 

Most women probably aren't going to get embroiled with a man who says "I'm happy enough with my wife generally, but she's pissing me off a bit just now. Plus I fancy a change. Want to slip between the sheets with me?" ...

 

What OW and BS do to eachother, with great frequency, seems to boil down to trying to kill eachother's hope. That's what goes on in the more vitriolic threads. Kill the enemy's hope that she has any kind of special relationship worth working at or fighting for....in order to win the very dubious prize of a man who probably can't even be honest with himself, let alone any woman he gets involved with.

 

Lindya, this was a beautiful post IMO. Great insights into a very confusing scenario. Thank you for sharing.

[OpenBook]

Perhaps "seduction" is brainwashing by another name. When I was in my love affair, it was if my "will" was not my own. We were obsessed with one another. It was not as if our respective marriages were flawed, our "marriages" ceased to exist emotionally, erotically and existentially. Marriage cannot compete with the excitement and raw intimacy of a full blown love affair and all the endorphins and other pleasure chemicals soaking the brain.

 

The best innoculation: don't get too personal with members of the opposite sex with whom there's even a chance of erotic attraction.

 

Maintain distance.

 

I agree with your "innoculation" view, Herzen. And thanks for the insights you've shared in this thread. It's all too rare that we get the MM's perspective. It really made me think. Maybe I am underestimating the "pull" of the A for a man, and why it can happen even in a happy marriage. Still hard for me to believe though.

[Cobra_X30]

I agree with your "innoculation" view, Herzen. And thanks for the insights you've shared in this thread. It's all too rare that we get the MM's perspective. It really made me think. Maybe I am underestimating the "pull" of the A for a man, and why it can happen even in a happy marriage. Still hard for me to believe though.

 

Disconnected from reality? Notice that we men bleed red too! Many of the same underlying needs, simply different ways to approach them.

 

I didnt really get into it earlier as it wasnt 100% applicable, however, you should make aware that often times the greatest difference between cheaters and non-cheaters... is internal restraint. If you rely on others to determine your compass, and to decide your actions, you will forever be weak. You should be able to notice this flaw in any MM you have become entangled with in the past.

[Jinnah]

OpenBook just can't comprehend that we are blaming the MM/MW as well, not just the OW/OM. We are blaming both, k?

 

Again? Both are at fault.

[Herzen]

I agree with your "innoculation" view, Herzen. And thanks for the insights you've shared in this thread. It's all too rare that we get the MM's perspective. It really made me think. Maybe I am underestimating the "pull" of the A for a man, and why it can happen even in a happy marriage. Still hard for me to believe though.

 

 

It's very difficult to believe, OB. You want to look back and find marital faults after the fact. But my wife and I had a good marriage, a regular sex life and open lines of communications. The problems resided in me, not in my marriage or in my wife. For me to suggest otherwise is a cop-out of the first degree.

 

Some men succumb, others don't. How can a woman discern between the two? She can't. She just has to make her best guess and be very vigilant of any serious office opposite sex friendships. Office friendship is the Affair gateway.

[luvmy2ns]

It's very difficult to believe, OB. You want to look back and find marital faults after the fact. But my wife and I had a good marriage, a regular sex life and open lines of communications. The problems resided in me, not in my marriage or in my wife. For me to suggest otherwise is a cop-out of the first degree.

 

Some men succumb, others don't. How can a woman discern between the two? She can't. She just has to make her best guess and be very vigilant of any serious office opposite sex friendships. Office friendship is the Affair gateway.

 

Thank you to an honest man for giving voice to the truth of the matter (in 99.9% of affair cases).

 

Like I've said before - OW, you deserve better than to be the 2nd string partner.

[jj2007]

I'm not the one being used...

Whether you want to admit it or not, yes you are.

 

 

I'm happy, my needs are filled and I am primary...For all intents and purposes I am the ONE AND ONLY...

If you were his ONE AND ONLY HE WOULD NOT HAVE A WIFE

 

Wrap your little brain around that...

Follow your own advice:rolleyes:

 

Denial is more than a river in Egypt.

[Herzen]

Thank you to an honest man for giving voice to the truth of the matter (in 99.9% of affair cases).

 

Like I've said before - OW, you deserve better than to be the 2nd string partner.

 

I suspect my case was fairly typical.

 

That's what makes it scary.

[jj2007]

 

Your trailer park is calling...

Are you Slinging insults now because other people don't agree with your twisted reality? That just proves how low you really are!

 

Just because someone lives in a trailer doesn't mean you are better than them. At least PRETEND like you have some class.

[luvmy2ns]

I suspect my case was fairly typical.

 

That's what makes it scary.

 

Exactly. If we just went with our "baser" instincts all the time, people would be almost fornicating in the streets! Time and again, I'm hit on by guys, told I'm beautiful, etc. They are mostly single guys, but I have a wonderful man. I also have a high sex drive, but I would NEVER cheat on my baby. He's too good to me, and he'd never stand for a cheating partner. We would be through.

 

Too many people allow men too much leeway for this "boys will be boys" mentality. And too many women allow themselves to be used by these men.

[stillafool]

Yet another BS assuming that the OW is pursuing her H... It is usually the other way around. The H is the one doing the pursuing.

 

 

I am neither a BS nor a OW. I have been a betrayed GF though. Does that allow me to participate in your thread?

[silktricks]

I suspect my case was fairly typical.

 

That's what makes it scary.

I don't remember, did you and your wife work things out or did your affair end in divorce?

 

I also suspect your case was fairly typical.

[Jinnah]

 

 

 

I am neither a BS nor a OW. I have been a betrayed GF though. Does that allow me to participate in your thread?

 

Of course... this website is for anyone and everyone.

[Impudent Oyster]

I may be wrong, however I always got the impression that you placed too much of the blame for what happened on the OW.

 

Yes... Never forget!

I absolutely place blame on the OW, she is 100% responsible for her part in the affair.

 

Whether or not you think placing responsibility on a person for becoming involved with a MM is too much blame is subjective. She certainly was no innocent fool tricked into a relationship by a man she didn't know was married, she not only knew he was married but she knew ME and our children.

[Impudent Oyster]

everyone knows your No Forgiveness, pfft! that pm has been around honey, I'm sure he isn't confused

 

I have no idea who you are or what PM you're talking about, so maybe you'd like to post this alleged PM of mine?

 

Don't worry, you have my permission.

[Jinnah]

I absolutely place blame on the OW, she is 100% responsible for her part in the affair.

 

Whether or not you think placing responsibility on a person for becoming involved with a MM is too much blame is subjective. She certainly was no innocent fool tricked into a relationship by a man she didn't know was married, she not only knew he was married but she knew ME and our children.

 

What a jerk that woman is, huh? Some women are just plain nasty.

[Cobra_X30]

I absolutely place blame on the OW, she is 100% responsible for her part in the affair.

 

Whether or not you think placing responsibility on a person for becoming involved with a MM is too much blame is subjective. She certainly was no innocent fool tricked into a relationship by a man she didn't know was married, she not only knew he was married but she knew ME and our children.

 

Yes, I understand and agree that she was wrong to persue him.

 

Now, I also got the feeling that your H had a line drawn in his head as to how far he would let things go. At some point he internally restrained himself from crossing that line. Why he did that is a ? you should consider.

 

I think its rare, but there are guys out there... similar to me, who tend to be emotional vampires. I have always had a tendency to draw women in get them emotionally invested in me... then walk away. Its wierd and it would take a long time to explain. Suffice it to say... If he is like me, it was more about the feeling he could pull from her, than anything else.

 

Maybe your Husband is just irresistable when he wants to be?

[annabelle75]

I absolutely place blame on the OW, she is 100% responsible for her part in the affair.

 

Whether or not you think placing responsibility on a person for becoming involved with a MM is too much blame is subjective. She certainly was no innocent fool tricked into a relationship by a man she didn't know was married, she not only knew he was married but she knew ME and our children.

 

I really don't give my wieght to what you post as a BS. Not because your posts reak of bitterness and judgement but because you have NO CLUE what an affair is. You have admitted that your husband never even slept with the woman (I hardly consider her an OW). OMG ...... your H had lunch a few times with a woman ...... now you have to troll OW message boards harrassing other women. Seems like a bit of an over reaction to me. I feel sorry for your poor H. Based on the way you treat the OWs here, I can only imagine what hell you have put him through. Do you make him walk around with a scarlet A on his chest? You might want to just forgive him, be greatful he never actually slept with another woman and move on with you life. Otherwise he might get fed up and decide to REALLY cheat on you.

[Jinnah]

I really don't give my wieght to what you post as a BS. Not because your posts reak of bitterness and judgement but because you have NO CLUE what an affair is. You have admitted that your husband never even slept with the woman (I hardly consider her an OW). OMG ...... your H had lunch a few times with a woman ...... now you have to troll OW message boards harrassing other women. Seems like a bit of an over reaction to me. I feel sorry for your poor H. Based on the way you treat the OWs here, I can only imagine what hell you have put him through. Do you make him walk around with a scarlet A on his chest? You might want to just forgive him, be greatful he never actually slept with another woman and move on with you life. Otherwise he might get fed up and decide to REALLY cheat on you.

 

 

Ummm, there is a thing called an emotional affair that can damage a relationship just as much. Talk about picking on people... leave her alone.

[Lizzie60]

How can any woman say their H never slept with anyone else...

 

This is... Déjà Moo.. you know that feeling that you've heard this bull before... hahahaha

 

NO W on this planet can say with absolute certainty that their H has never had sex with another woman...

 

[annabelle75]

Ummm, there is a thing called an emotional affair that can damage a relationship just as much. Talk about picking on people... leave her alone.

 

According to IO, her H didn't even like the OW. He just enjoyed flirting with her because it boosted his ego. Doesn't sound like much of an emotional affair to me. Sounds like a married man that liked flirting with a pretty girl. Does it make him a jerk, yes! Does it make him a cheater? Not in my book. My H really did cheat on me. Strangely enough I am not even half as bitter or angry as IO is. She's got problems.