To The BS's - Don't Blame The OW

[serial muse]

the MM/MW is the one wrecking their home...the OW/OM is enjoying his/her life...they are not responsible/committed to anyone's family/spouse/etc. so no, they are not homewreckers... responsiblity lies within the one who made the committment to be married. How many A do you think continue on and how many BS give it another chance because a MM/MW says oh, I was seduced...I really wouldnt do that. BS should quit letting blame slip to OW/OM because they cant accept that their MM/MW strayed from their committment.

 

Returning to the original question of this thread, then, do you agree that it's also not the BS' fault that the MM/MW strayed?

 

It does seem to me that one can't have it both ways. If the OW is not to blame for others' choices (and I agree she isn't) then neither is the BS.

[Jinnah]

the MM/MW is the one wrecking their home...the OW/OM is enjoying his/her life...they are not responsible/committed to anyone's family/spouse/etc. so no, they are not homewreckers... responsiblity lies within the one who made the committment to be married. How many A do you think continue on and how many BS give it another chance because a MM/MW says oh, I was seduced...I really wouldnt do that. BS should quit letting blame slip to OW/OM because they cant accept that their MM/MW strayed from their committment.

 

What I'm saying isn't hard to understand. The cheating spouse is 100% responsible. The OW/OM is 100% responsible (for being a participant in destrying another person's life). A unknowing spouse is 0% responsible. Maybe they could have done a few things better, but it is still the cheater's choice. It is still the OM/OW's choice.

 

Geez, get away from a relationship if you want someone else. Tell the person. Let them make an informed decision. Doing it behind their back shows the cheater isn't trying to leave the person they are with... they just want both... otherwise the person they are (should be "were") with would know.

[Lizzie60]

I see many BS's here on LoveShack adopt a Victim mentality toward their H's infidelity ("I was a good wife, it was his choice to cheat") and cop a morally superior attitude toward the OW (I don't even want to quote what they say, it's so repulsive). I think this is total bunk. If the BS was keeping her H happy at home, he would not be hitting on the OW. In a M, it takes two to tango. And even if the W was doing everything right at home, and he STILL cheats on her, then she can blame no one but herself for staying in a horrible situation like that.

 

Am I wrong?

 

BW will always blame OW ... and it is somehow normal... due to bitterness and pain. The W loves her husband so it is normal that they give her H the benefit of the doubt, eventhough we all know that it's mainly HIS fault and not the OW.

 

I don't blame OW ... (I know LOL)... she hasn't made any promise to the BW, to anyone in fact...

 

I said it and I will repeat it... Monogamy = Monotony... been there...

[Jinnah]

 

It was unorthodox, but it worked out for all parties involved.

 

Yeah, I don't morally agree with this choice of lifestyle personally, but at least you didn't keep anyone in the dark. At the very least, at least everyone made an informed decision. No one was left in the dark and then found out and was devastated.

 

And I still applaud you for deciding not to hurt other people any further by choosing not to pursue MM.

[serial muse]

BW will always blame OW ... and it is somehow normal... due to bitterness and pain. The W loves her husband so it is normal that they give her H the benefit of the doubt, eventhough we all know that it's mainly HIS fault and not the OW.

 

I don't blame OW ... (I know LOL)... she hasn't made any promise to the BW, to anyone in fact...

 

I said it and I will repeat it... Monogamy = Monotony... been there...

 

I'm not sure why so many OW posting on here overlook the many, many posts from BS that make no bones about blaming the MM/MW. I don't know. Such posts are everywhere, but it's like people only want to respond to the most inflammatory things, so as to make the issue as heated as possible.

[silktricks]

I'm not sure why so many OW posting on here overlook the many, many posts from BS that make no bones about blaming the MM/MW. I don't know. Such posts are everywhere, but it's like people only want to respond to the most inflammatory things, so as to make the issue as heated as possible.

 

Check the source. The OW who want to believe the BS do not blame the WS are usually the same OW who themselves blame the BS. IMO they do not truly feel the BS is guilty for the MM having the affair (as the OP posited in the first post). What they truly blame the BS for is taking the MP back and working on the marriage after D-Day. That is (IMO) where the anger towards the BS really lies.

 

There are many OW who do not express any anger at all toward BS and make no such inflammatory statements.

[pjean]

Check the source. The OW who want to believe the BS do not blame the WS are usually the same OW who themselves blame the BS. IMO they do not truly feel the BS is guilty for the MM having the affair (as the OP posited in the first post). What they truly blame the BS for is taking the MP back and working on the marriage after D-Day. That is (IMO) where the anger towards the BS really lies.

 

There are many OW who do not express any anger at all toward BS and make no such inflammatory statements.

 

I dont think it is the BS fault anymore than I think it is the OW/OM fault. The person who broke the contract of marriage is the one who should be held accountable...period, the end. Do you blame someone else when a person becomes a drug addict, is overweight, is an alcoholic, etc.? a person choses to do drugs, overeat, drink and apparently screw outside the relationship they contracted to.

[Jinnah]

I dont think it is the BS fault anymore than I think it is the OW/OM fault. The person who broke the contract of marriage is the one who should be held accountable...period, the end. Do you blame someone else when a person becomes a drug addict, is overweight, is an alcoholic, etc.? a person choses to do drugs, overeat, drink and apparently screw outside the relationship they contracted to.

 

The person who supplied the drugs, etc. and encouraged it would be accountable as well, yes. Same goes to an detrimental behavior. The person knowinlgy supplying something that hurts someone is guilty as well.

[Trimmer]

How can an OW be sure she is causing psychological distress if the MM has told her lies about the actual situation?

Married means "don't touch, go somewhere else, keep off the grass." It's a simple, clear, and unambiguous guideline, and a definition that has long been widely accepted.

 

I have to agree with this. I don't believe in marriage, have never been married, and will never be married. But I would never disrespect a woman in such a manner.

That's all I'm saying - you can firmly "not believe" in something, yet still be a cooperative member of the community by respecting society's definition and recognition of it as an institution.

[lindya]

Well, that all depends on what type of relationship the MM has told the OW...a relationship whereby they live seperate lives, this has been coming for a long time, we just needed a reason to split...no, I dont agree that necessarily OW walk into these relationships thinking "This will cause a great deal of pain". Granted, some put a lot of that focus onto their MM to try to ensure things are done in a way where least hurt is caused for all parties involved. But things dont sometimes work out that way, do they?

 

Sure - if someone misleads you about a situation in that way, then you're less likely to anticipate the wife being caused pain. You're assuming, based on what you've told, that the marriage is over from both parties' perspectives. I think that's an understandable response,.

 

OW says, based on what her MM has told her: "He wouldn't have cheated on his wife if the marriage hadn't been yesterday's news"

 

BS: "We had arguments sometimes, sex was less frequent once the kids came along....but we were still friends and lovers. We still laughed together, ate together, slept together had good conversations...I cared about him, and he seemed to care about me."

 

Once a cheater gets found out, they might say things to their spouse like "I've been unhappy for a long time now..." "the marriage has been dead for ages" "you and I aren't really compatible." These might be truths, or they might be excuses that the cheater convinces him/herself are reality in order to justify the betrayal.

 

Betrayed, bewildered spouses come onto this board after hearing lines like this and suddenly they're bombarded with information that "people don't cheat unless the relationship's dead/all wrong." They start to wonder what an "alive, functional" marriage looks like, if not the one they seemed to have. The one where they were friends, lovers etc. Maybe they wonder "why didn't I see it?" and beat themselves up for not realising the marriage was dead...when objectively, they had no reason to believe that it was.

 

Similarly, when the OW gets "thrown under a bus" by the MM (a phrase I've picked up from this section) and he returns to the marriage, she can't understand why he'd pick a "dead marriage" over her...when the truth might well be that the marriage wasn't dead.

 

Most women probably aren't going to get embroiled with a man who says "I'm happy enough with my wife generally, but she's pissing me off a bit just now. Plus I fancy a change. Want to slip between the sheets with me?" The ones who don't want to be part of that are obviously going to get very distressed when they're faced with any evidence that they unwittingly did get involved in such a scenario. Maybe it hurts less to think "we're star-crossed lovers. Ideally he'd be with me, but out of a sense of duty he returned to this dead marriage..."

 

I'm sure that is the reality sometimes. I suppose that's why OW will often wait and languish for years. They hope that their situation is one of the exceptions...and hope is a terribly difficult thing to let go of. What OW and BS do to eachother, with great frequency, seems to boil down to trying to kill eachother's hope. That's what goes on in the more vitriolic threads. Kill the enemy's hope that she has any kind of special relationship worth working at or fighting for....in order to win the very dubious prize of a man who probably can't even be honest with himself, let alone any woman he gets involved with.

[Jinnah]

Sure - if someone misleads you about a situation in that way, then you're less likely to anticipate the wife being caused pain. You're assuming, based on what you've told, that the marriage is over from both parties' perspectives. I think that's an understandable response,.

 

OW says, based on what her MM has told her: "He wouldn't have cheated on his wife if the marriage hadn't been yesterday's news"

 

BS: "We had arguments sometimes, sex was less frequent once the kids came along....but we were still friends and lovers. We still laughed together, ate together, slept together had good conversations...I cared about him, and he seemed to care about me."

 

Once a cheater gets found out, they might say things to their spouse like "I've been unhappy for a long time now..." "the marriage has been dead for ages" "you and I aren't really compatible." These might be truths, or they might be excuses that the cheater convinces him/herself are reality in order to justify the betrayal.

 

Betrayed, bewildered spouses come onto this board after hearing lines like this and suddenly they're bombarded with information that "people don't cheat unless the relationship's dead/all wrong." They start to wonder what an "alive, functional" marriage looks like, if not the one they seemed to have. The one where they were friends, lovers etc. Maybe they wonder "why didn't I see it?" and beat themselves up for not realising the marriage was dead...when objectively, they had no reason to believe that it was.

 

Similarly, when the OW gets "thrown under a bus" by the MM (a phrase I've picked up from this section) and he returns to the marriage, she can't understand why he'd pick a "dead marriage" over her...when the truth might well be that the marriage wasn't dead.

 

Most women probably aren't going to get embroiled with a man who says "I'm happy enough with my wife generally, but she's pissing me off a bit just now. Plus I fancy a change. Want to slip between the sheets with me?" The ones who don't want to be part of that are obviously going to get very distressed when they're faced with any evidence that they unwittingly did get involved in such a scenario. Maybe it hurts less to think "we're star-crossed lovers. Ideally he'd be with me, but out of a sense of duty he returned to this dead marriage..."

 

I'm sure that is the reality sometimes. I suppose that's why OW will often wait and languish for years. They hope that their situation is one of the exceptions...and hope is a terribly difficult thing to let go of. What OW and BS do to eachother, with great frequency, seems to boil down to trying to kill eachother's hope. That's what goes on in the more vitriolic threads. Kill the enemy's hope that she has any kind of special relationship worth working at or fighting for....in order to win the very dubious prize of a man who probably can't even be honest with himself, let alone any woman he gets involved with.

 

You summed this up perfectly... I completely agree. You really put a lot of thought and consideration into your response. Good job.

[IpAncA]

Not difficult at all, I'm his wife, not his babysitter. It's not my job to watch him.

 

Oh I agree... if I had to watch him, then that's NOT a good sign.

 

Um, what if she (or he) doesn't know?

 

Guess that's their fault...

[reboot]

Guess that's their fault...

It's their fault for ever trusting anyone in the first place? What a cynical view (although I'm unfortunately starting to agree with it).

[Herzen]

lindya writes: That's what goes on in the more vitriolic threads. Kill the enemy's hope that she has any kind of special relationship worth working at or fighting for....in order to win the very dubious prize of a man who probably can't even be honest with himself, let alone any woman he gets involved with.

 

The most difficult thing is convincing people that even happily married spouses can launch, under the right conditions, into an affair. A happy marriage does not immunize otherwise content spouses from the affair "virus."

 

When I embarked on my affair with a work colleague we were both happily married. I wasn't looking, but I suspect, in retrospect, that she was.

 

If a full blown love affair erupts, that can destroy the happiest of marriages. At the end, those affectional, erotic ties than bind together husband and wife are frayed to nothing.A love affair acts as a corrosive acid that, over time, degrades, burns and obliterates the marital bonds.

 

When a lengthy love affair concludes, there's often no marriage--in any real emotional sense--left to save.

 

What many don't realize until it's too late is that this outlaw "love" can be a very destructive force. Like a tsunami, it destroys all obstacles in its path--a wife, a husband, marital bonds. Love "conquers" all--even someone else's spouse.

 

Love affairs change the status quo UNALTERABLY. The cheating spouse, standing in love's ruins in the affair's aftermath, is nobody's husband, nobody's wife.

 

A love affair is THE marital "intimacybuster" of all time.

 

The harm we inflict in love's name.

[luvmy2ns]

I dont think it is the BS fault anymore than I think it is the OW/OM fault. The person who broke the contract of marriage is the one who should be held accountable...period, the end. Do you blame someone else when a person becomes a drug addict, is overweight, is an alcoholic, etc.? a person choses to do drugs, overeat, drink and apparently screw outside the relationship they contracted to.

 

This is too easy. The drug user, alcoholic, etc. is only hurting their OWN health. The OW is a party to hurting another person.

[underpants]

There is a stigma attached to being involved with a married person. It is simply that.

 

If you don't want that stigma/accountability then don't involve yourself with someone who is married. Even if this means removing yourself once you find out. Or by doing a little preliminary research before jumping into a relationship.

 

Or, I guess you can move to Utah.

 

To me it is a form of thievery.

[lindya]

The most difficult thing is convincing people that even happily married spouses can launch, under the right conditions, into an affair. A happy marriage does not immunize otherwise content spouses from the affair "virus."

 

When I embarked on my affair with a work colleague we were both happily married. I wasn't looking, but I suspect, in retrospect, that she was.

 

If a full blown love affair erupts, that can destroy the happiest of marriages. At the end, those affectional, erotic ties than bind together husband and wife are frayed to nothing.A love affair acts as a corrosive acid that, over time, degrades, burns and obliterates the marital bonds.

 

When a lengthy love affair concludes, there's often no marriage--in any real emotional sense--left to save.

 

Very, very true. It's hard for even a happy marriage to compete with the excitement of a new crush. Especially once the marital flaws start to be put under the microscope by the cheating partner and the other person.

 

One of the main ways a religion recruits new members involves encouraging people to examine whether they truly feel happy and fulfilled. Finding all the little flaws and tears in the fabric of what they thought was their happiness. Focusing on and promoting discussion of those flaws until they become great gaping holes. Promoting the religion as the only real answer to "that fundamental sense of dissatisfaction."

 

I think seduction often works in quite a similar way.

[Impudent Oyster]

the MM/MW is the one wrecking their home...the OW/OM is enjoying his/her life...they are not responsible/committed to anyone's family/spouse/etc. so no, they are not homewreckers... responsiblity lies within the one who made the committment to be married. How many A do you think continue on and how many BS give it another chance because a MM/MW says oh, I was seduced...I really wouldnt do that. BS should quit letting blame slip to OW/OM because they cant accept that their MM/MW strayed from their committment.

 

Oh please, what BS. If the OW/OM is just "enjoying their life" and isn't doing anything wrong, then why in gods name are they hiding this harmless affair? Why would the OP be so afraid of the wife finding out, after all, they aren't doing anything wrong are they?

 

Get it through your head that BS DO BLAME THEIR spouses. But that doesn't mean the OP gets a pass, they're guilty too. Not of betraying the spouse but of participating in an illicit and hurtful relationship that is, by most people's standards, WRONG.

 

You can try to justify it anyway you like, but you're accountable and you know it, and so does everyone else. I am sick of people renouncing all responsibility for being in an affair just because they aren't married. Unless you were drugged and forced to sleep with MM, YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE, so grow up, have some respect for your fellow women and quit making excuses.

[stillafool]

I've been thinking about the entire BS/OWorOM/MMorMW triangle. Yes, I see a lot of blame placed on certain people for whatever reason. But, I have a question. Doesnt this thread speak of OWorOM getting blamed for the infidelity of a marriage? What if the OWorOM doesnt believe in marriage. I know several people who are of the belief the marriage is merely an institution created by reglion (church) and not anything more. There are OWorOM whom do not wish to marry the MMorMW. So, to judge their morality I think is short-sighted by assuming they even share the same beliefs as the BS/MWorMM. Regardless if the OWorOM knew the person is married or not they did not make any committment to that person's spouse.

 

Well let's see - If I don't believe in the 10 commandments nor the law that "thou shalt not steal" then I suppose it's perfectly okay for me to break in to your home and steal all your things. Remember, don't call the police because these are my beliefs.

[Jinnah]

Oh please, what BS. If the OW/OM is just "enjoying their life" and isn't doing anything wrong, then why in gods name are they hiding this harmless affair? Why would the OP be so afraid of the wife finding out, after all, they aren't doing anything wrong are they?

 

Get it through your head that BS DO BLAME THEIR spouses. But that doesn't mean the OP gets a pass, they're guilty too. Not of betraying the spouse but of participating in an illicit and hurtful relationship that is, by most people's standards, WRONG.

 

You can try to justify it anyway you like, but you're accountable and you know it, and so does everyone else. I am sick of people renouncing all responsibility for being in an affair just because they aren't married. Unless you were drugged and forced to sleep with MM, YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE, so grow up, have some respect for your fellow women and quit making excuses.

 

Words of wisdom... I completely agree.

 

LOL, Stillafool.

[Herzen]

Very, very true. It's hard for even a happy marriage to compete with the excitement of a new crush. Especially once the marital flaws start to be put under the microscope by the cheating partner and the other person.

 

One of the main ways a religion recruits new members involves encouraging people to examine whether they truly feel happy and fulfilled. Finding all the little flaws and tears in the fabric of what they thought was their happiness. Focusing on and promoting discussion of those flaws until they become great gaping holes. Promoting the religion as the only real answer to "that fundamental sense of dissatisfaction."

 

I think seduction often works in quite a similar way.

 

Perhaps "seduction" is brainwashing by another name. When I was in my love affair, it was if my "will" was not my own. We were obsessed with one another. It was not as if our respective marriages were flawed, our "marriages" ceased to exist emotionally, erotically and existentially. Marriage cannot compete with the excitement and raw intimacy of a full blown love affair and all the endorphins and other pleasure chemicals soaking the brain.

 

The best innoculation: don't get too personal with members of the opposite sex with whom there's even a chance of erotic attraction.

 

Maintain distance.

[jj2007]

What they truly blame the BS for is taking the MP back and working on the marriage after D-Day. That is (IMO) where the anger towards the BS really lies.

 

 

I agree. They find it hard to accept that the same man that was lying to his wife was also lying to them when they get thrown under the bus.

[Havn_a_life]

I agree. They find it hard to accept that the same man that was lying to his wife was also lying to them when they get thrown under the bus.

 

I was thinking this myself. It's kind of a "if he doesn't want me, I don't want her to take him back" thing.

It's jealousy that the BW has gotten something that she (OW) thought was now hers.

He never was, if he didn't leave the BW and D.

[OldEurope]

If someone is a Roman Catholic and he hands out free abortion coupons to girls in high school, one is not going to respect him as a "Roman Catholic" just because that is how he describes himself, his identity.

 

If someone is Jewish and passes out hot dogs to family relatives and cracks Holocaust jokes for the fun of it, no one is going to think too much of his values and beliefs although he labels himself Jewish.

 

Or the Animal Rights activist who beats his dog when he arrives home, or the Environmentalist who stubs out his cigarrettes on the street out on a walk or throws a beer bottle by a tree....And so it goes....

 

Just the same, to have the status of "Wife" (using this example since this is about BS-es on a mainly woman's forum) or to be "Married" is not enough in and of itself. That too requires a set of personal values to which one has to live up.

 

I doubt very many women here would think too highly of the "marriages" of a Hollywood starlet who is getting hitched every six months in Vegas. We assume her to be a flake and that manifested in her private life invites contempt. An institution only has so much meaning as the quality of Individuals give to it.

 

Similiarly, there are marriages which are a farce. A sham. Horrible for both individuals involved, or one who is doing all the pulling. I am very sorry, but there are women (and men) who marry for entirely the wrong reasons; there are gold-diggers, emotional abusers, and a certain type who thinks a spouse is a house pet one trains to pay bills and take orders. The categorization of all BS-es as so holier-than-thou permeating many of the posts is somewhat laughable.

 

Personally, I have seen men--I am going to defend the male camp now as it is normally the guys who blamed as the "cheaters" in so many marriage breakdowns--broken by wives who hardly participate in their marriages, who are emotionally and physically completely withdrawn, even personally hostile, to their husbands; I have directly known examples of men who work 14 hour days only to have to come home and take care of everrrrything because the wife cannot be bothered; I have known examples of men trying for years to get their wives to participate more in their marriages and who receive nothing in return. I have known most men to want to stay true to their wives, to have great marriages, to not divorce because of the pain, and perhaps children involved. And I am quite frankly sympathetic to those men who find comfort in another human woman in a serious, profound emotional bond, as no one should be forced to the breaking point trying to please another individual. One only has to go read a couple of the threads from posters on the Separation and Divorce page to see this.

 

 

OE

[NoIDidn't]

So OldEurope, after your much words in your posting, was your point that you agree with the premise of the OP: its the BS (BWs) fault that they were cheated on?