Ambiguous relationship -- should we stop calling?

[dancer77]

I got intimate with my friend -- a colleague -- we saw each other everyday for a whole year because of the nature of our work environment. I ended up sleeping with him 6 months ago. At first we began as fwbs (but it wasn't clear-cut that way), we sort of just went with the flow. Towards the last month or more we were behaving like a couple (we lived together for, well, the last 2 weeks before I had to leave). I am separated from my husband in a long distance relationship -- the status of our separation was ambiguous during the months I was together with this guy -- which was why we never saw ourselves as a couple....I am clear that I am breaking up with my husband now...

 

And then I left the country because I have stuff to do back in my own country for a year related to work. My colleague and I got very close and emotional during the last week of being together, which surprised us (more him than me, because I could see the pain of separation coming). But through it all there was no discussion of whether we'll be together for a longer term. I brought it up a few times, even though I knew there was no way I could put off what I had to do back in my home country, but everytime that came up he would go, well, I guess we'll be apart, so we'll be seeing other people. Part of me is wondering why it never seemed like a difficult decision to make -- am I not worth even sitting down and thinking through what might happen? And then he assures me "it's not that...but we should find people closer at hand to reach out to". And then "we'll see in the future..." That future is not even spoken about, I nudge him to talk about it but he won't even say "in the future when you return to the US". The airport farewell was messy and tearful, and after I flew thousands of miles away we started talking on skype -- every single day. Some 'I love yous', especially in the beginning. We've been talking for nearly 2 months since we parted, and talking about dating (which I'm not actively seeking, and there's really no-one on the radar). It is hard for me to hear that he is looking to date.

 

All I want is to hear him tell me "you're not worth it", so that I will have a reason to stop talking to him and start programming into my head to stop thinking about him, which is frankly painful and I'm not looking forward to, but might be less pain than me thinking of him incessantly. While I generally feel really good speaking with him -- he is my best friend now and there's a lot of great genuine sharing going on -- I am beginning to get an ambivalent feeling of pain and pleasure. I want to understand what I'm feeling, also, I'm wondering if I should just cut it off for good so that we can both (or at least I can) get on with my life. Will that help me get on with my life? At the same time, I'd love to hear him say that he really loves me, which now I pessimistically believe he won't. Guys or gals, if you've been through this, please help me interpret his actions and words. Do you think I should cut the phonecalls off or let it die a natural death? Thanks in advance.

[Aintayankee]

What do you have to get on with? Time comes and goes no matter what, but it seems relative to that kind of pain.

 

Song comes to mind "Falls Apart" by the band Hurt. The lyrics talk about how in life we spend all our money and die. When we're old, we wish we could start again. Ironic, but the point is if you cut it off, and move on with your life, wouldn't that just be an illusion. All that would change is easing your mind from him.

 

How bout this analogy.

 

If in between two points on a line segment there are infinitely many points, then how do we move when we walk?

[glittergurl]

I have never been in that situation, but I can kind of understand. I would personally tell him straight out; he needs to make a decision. You two either start dating other people, or you stay committed to each other and get back together when your job there is done. Or a third option: you accept the fact that both of you are free to see other people in the mean time, but remain friends and then whatever happens upon your return happens ...

 

The third option sounds like it would be out of the question for you because you sound quite emotionally attached to him by now. He, on the other hand, I don't know.

 

You also have to remind yourself that he could easily tell you whatever you want to hear to keep you as an option, and in the mean time, date other chicks behind your back.

 

It sucks when you're in love, I know it must be hard to let go. But I think for your own sake, you should probably not try to hang on to him too much while you're away; because the way you describe it, he doesn't sound like he's ready to put up with being single for a year ...

[dancer77]

Thanks for the posts. I am feeling much better today, and seeing your replies has also helped. (better than yesterday, wallowing in my unhappiness and being unable to separate all my problems from one another -- they were in one helluva sticky mess!).

 

I think I'm not going to go cold turkey, but cut down the number of times a week I'm talking to him. So, more along the lines of your Option 3, glittergurl (by the way thank you so much for your thoughtful response). I think it's healthier that way (funny thing is that he said it was 'healthier' to see other people while I was away but then while we've decided on that, he seemed keen on talking everyday...). I have to do what's right for me. Writing it out here and hearing what you guys think is helpful. Being emotionally attached to him has to do with me and some of the issues I have about self-esteem, the baggage of my previous relationship, the guilt at starting this one while I was not 100% sure I was separating from my husband. Maybe when I've taken steps towards the divorce, I will find it easier to separate this thing with this colleague from my marriage, and deal with it as a separate problem. Right now being emotionally attached to him just complicates things.

 

I don't understand him/guys though. Why does he keep talking to me? I guess I am really his best friend, and yes maybe he wants to keep me as an option. I think I really do love him, but it's one of those cases where even with that knowledge I need to keep myself far enough from being dependent on him emotionally. I have to do this for myself. The positive thing is -- that I do love him, and better than to love and lost than to never have loved at all...