Paranoid about Cheating

[JackhammerGemma]

I hope I am right in thinking maybe I'm just paranoid. I'm in a sort of new relationship with someone who used to cheat on his girlfriends, not sure how many exactly. Maybe not all. I don't look in his cell phone because it just seems wrong and I wouldn't like it if he did it to me. He said voluntarily once before that he usually locks it anyway. I assumed he is used to doing that because his last girlfriend was always hacking into his email and cell phone records.

 

The thing that bugs me the most is the way he always has his phone with him and is always checking it. That doesn't sound unusual I know but he has it with him EVERYWHERE like 95% of the time. Takes it to the bathroom even. He has always done this probably even b4 me as far as I know so it's not like some different behavior. But it bugs. Also sometimes he takes a long time to text me back yet if he's always checking his phone like he does when he's with me why would he take so long to respond sometimes?? He gives me reasons for time periods when he's gone inexplicably or didn't text me but I find myself doubting them and thinking it's just a bunch of baloney. Mainly because of his cheating ways with past girlfriends. I can't help thinking he's just doing the same thing to me. It's hard to say how much of my paranoia is due to real reasons or just my imagination.

 

He claims to not want to be a cheater anymore. I want to believe him. I don't want to think that everyone belongs in the same box who was once a cheater (the once a cheater always a cheater box). I cheated once on someone and it was such a horrible experience for me because of the guilt I knew I could never do it again.

 

I don't want to look in his cell phone or find a way to check his email, or creep up on him at his house to spy on him. But I don't want to be a fool either. Does any of what I said seem like a red flag? Do I give him the benefit of the doubt?

[Capricorn]

Not all cheaters cheat on everyone. I've had a few serious relationships, I only cheated once in my life, I didn't actually have sex but was really drunk and trying to get this guy off me, it was a friend and at the time I actually thought my boyfriend was cheating on me and out of anger at my boyfriend thought what the hell I'll just be like him and kissed the guy and fooled around but came to my senses before actual sex happened. I'm glad I stopped it from going any further cause I feel horrible about what did happen! I am against cheating I wouldn't ever put myself in a situation like that again. So I really feel that someone who has cheated can change but there are also the people who have cheated and will just never be happy with one person and will be selfish and cheat. The whole thing with his cell phone sounds odd. I don't think your being paranoid at all because of the fact that you know he has been a cheater. Maybe your just having a gut feeling, don't ignore your intuition it can save a lot of heart ache.

[norajane]

How does he behave with you? Does he show up when he says he will? Does he flirt with other girls when you're out together? Does he spend a lot of time going out drinking and to clubs and you are not welcome to come along? Does he introduce you to his friends and family as his girlfriend? When you're with him around other girls, is he affectionate with you - does he hug and kiss you in front of them, or does he distance himself a little? Is he unavailable to be with you or to talk with you when you would normally expect him to, like on weekends or late at night? Does he break dates? Does he suddenly create arguments and then walk out? Does he suddenly remember something he's supposed to go do and then leave? Does he avoid taking you certain places where you know he usually goes without you? Does he have ex-girlfriends that he talks to often? Does he have a lot of female 'friends' that he hangs out with without you?

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

I'm in a sort of new relationship with someone who used to cheat on his girlfriends, not sure how many exactly.

Huge red flag. While you're very lucky he chose to share that information with you, at the same time, past behavior is a huge indicator of future behavior. Don't ignore it.

 

The thing that bugs me the most is the way he always has his phone with him and is always checking it. That doesn't sound unusual I know but he has it with him EVERYWHERE like 95% of the time. Takes it to the bathroom even.

HUGE red flag. Sorry. But when someone acts as though their cell phone is SO private that they have to take it to the bathroom with them, there's a REASON for it.

 

I can't help thinking he's just doing the same thing to me. It's hard to say how much of my paranoia is due to real reasons or just my imagination.

His pattern of bad behavior isn't going to just magically 'right' itself because of you. Not meaning to be harsh and diminish you, but whatever drives him to lie and cheat is not about YOU. It's about HIM. And until he fixes that character flaw, there's nothing you can do about it. You can be the greatest girlfriend in the world - it doesn't matter because it's NOT ABOUT YOU.

 

He claims to not want to be a cheater anymore. I want to believe him.

I'm sure you do. Maybe he wants to change. Maybe he's sick of being a lying a*sshole who does nothing but hurt women who did nothing to deserve it - just as you don't deserve it.

 

My advice? Walk softly but carry a BIG stick. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Seems he's all ABOUT hiding things.

 

Does any of what I said seem like a red flag?

I can barely see my keyboard due to the huge red flag flapping all over the place.

[LucreziaBorgia]

New relationships don't change cheaters. Only cheaters change cheaters, and that change is reflected in their behaviors. He may not be cheating, but his behaviors are still present, and for that reason I would have to say that while his circumstances have changed he has probably not. They say "once a cheater, always a cheater" and that is certainly true if the cheater does not make a serious effort to change and correct the internal processes that make them cheaters. It sounds like the only thing that your boyfriend changed was girlfriends. Will he cheat? Maybe, maybe not - but chances of it are pretty high.

 

In your case I would liken it to a crackhead who quit smoking the rock, but still hangs out with users and dealers. He may not be smoking it, but the opportunity is there for the taking, and chances are greater than not that he will.

[Whyme_wtf]

Huge red flags my dear.

If he is so commited to you and says he is no longer a cheater, ask him for an act in good faith to see his phone. I bet there would be texts there that you do not wish to see.

The issue here of being paronoid is that you see it, he has a history of it. Why ignore and hide from what may be true.

Confront and find out or just go because you cant take it. Why live a life like that?