lacebridal Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 ...he certainly did lie. I found out that my fiance is on a dating website. He has several photos of 4-5 different women saved on his computer, but he swears, that he downloaded all of the photos himself. He claims that sometimes when he is bored, he will look on websites and download photos of women. These photos are not porn or provacative. They are the type of photos, "hey, what do you look like? Send me a photo". He swears that he is not having an on-line relationship, that he has never had any communication with any of these women, and none of these photos were sent to him by women from the dating site. He swears "I did not cheat on you, and I have never had any communications with any women on that website" (He sounds like Bill Clinton - ("I did not have sexual relations with that women"). I ended the relationship. I cannot enter a marriage based on lies, and I cannot marry a person whose behavior is indicative of the fact, that he is not ready for a commitment or a marriage. Am I wrong? We have been engaged for 6 months. Wedding date is 5 months away. Link to post Share on other sites
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 No, you weren't wrong for calling off the enagement. You're smart for doing so. You fiance is supposedly engaged. Engaged people are supposedly committed - which means they don't sleaze around on dating sites and hide it from their fiance's. What a bunch of bunk, telling you he never communicated with anyone on the site - yet he's got pictures of single women he 'downloaded' and keeps on his computer. For what reason? Why would he NEED to keep ANYONE'S picture? What's the point of doing that? Just the fact that he HAS a profile is a huge red flag. This guy isn't even married yet and he's already sneaking and lying. When someone shows you who they ARE, believe them. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 You saved yourself a lot of grief. I expect it would have only gotten worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lacebridal Posted September 30, 2007 Author Share Posted September 30, 2007 I'm feeling numb right now, and just in a state of shock. We dated for 3 years, and it seems that everything we shared and worked for, has not been damaged. The money that we have spent for the wedding (some $30k) is so irrelevant at this point. I am not anserwing his phone calls or replying to his emails - I'm tired of hearing the lies and it is so insulting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lacebridal Posted September 30, 2007 Author Share Posted September 30, 2007 I meant to write "everything we shared and worked for, has NOW been damaged" Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 I think you did the right thing. He does not sound like he's ready for a lifetime commitment. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 You really dont have much evidence that he did anything beyond look at photos! Saving the photo's is a little on the suspicous side, but as a guy I'm inclined to say that there is no bad intent showing. What is this guy's history like? Has he done anything like this before? How much pressure did you put on him to get engaged? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lacebridal Posted September 30, 2007 Author Share Posted September 30, 2007 we meet on the internet - 3 years ago, and immediately, his request was "send me some photos of yourself"... He was an on-line dater for about 3 years before we met, and after becoming exclusive, we both agreed to take our profiles off of the dating website. He took his off of the one that we were both on, but did not take it off of the other one until I found out about it - at which point he immediately took it off. I put pressure on him to marry. I told him that I wasn't willing to date more than 2 years without a proposal. I'm 45, he's 43. I feel that I don't have the luxury of dating just to date. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 So the internet is how he meets new women - this is how he operates. That makes it even more apparent that you did the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 I put pressure on him to marry. I told him that I wasn't willing to date more than 2 years without a proposal. I'm 45, he's 43. I feel that I don't have the luxury of dating just to date. Well, it really sounds like he has a touch of the jitters. Has he been meeting any of these girls? What he did was unacceptable... and its good that you have shown him this is serious! Keep in mind that when you apply marriage pressure many guys get nervous, and resent it. The passive agressive guys do what he did! Are you done or are you considering giving him a second chance? If so... I'd recomend a key logger to watch him Link to post Share on other sites
Author lacebridal Posted October 1, 2007 Author Share Posted October 1, 2007 I'm not sure if it is a case of the jitters, I think it's more habit, addiction, character flaw, etc...??? He's been on this dating site since 2001, and agreed to remove his profile once we became exclusive. He didn't remove it, not even 2 years later, when we became engaged. He did remove it the other day, when I found out about it. I really don't know if he has meet any of the girls, but my gut tells me, he probably did. I'm done. I do not plan on giving him a second chance. I think he is a career internet, on-line womanizer. I sincerely appreciate your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
GracelessWomenCom Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 ...he certainly did lie. I found out that my fiance is on a dating website. He has several photos of 4-5 different women saved on his computer, but he swears, that he downloaded all of the photos himself. He claims that sometimes when he is bored, he will look on websites and download photos of women. These photos are not porn or provacative. They are the type of photos, "hey, what do you look like? Send me a photo". He swears that he is not having an on-line relationship, that he has never had any communication with any of these women, and none of these photos were sent to him by women from the dating site. He swears "I did not cheat on you, and I have never had any communications with any women on that website" (He sounds like Bill Clinton - ("I did not have sexual relations with that women"). I ended the relationship. I cannot enter a marriage based on lies, and I cannot marry a person whose behavior is indicative of the fact, that he is not ready for a commitment or a marriage. Am I wrong? We have been engaged for 6 months. Wedding date is 5 months away. another relationship doomed from the beginning. wow. why cant you look at the signs already and bolt? if your nto married yet and the relationship has already gotten this bad, its not going to get any sweeter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lacebridal Posted October 3, 2007 Author Share Posted October 3, 2007 Last night, I finally answered my ex-fiances phone call. He's been calling and emailing since Saturday, crying, pleading, begging, asking for forgiveness, asking for a chance to correct things. He's admitting that he made a mistake, he's saying, "I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you", "I will do whatever I have to do to fix this", etc... The mistake he is admittig to, is that he was wrong for not taking his profile off the dating site and for having pictures of single women downloaded. He is still saying, "Although my profile was on the dating site, I didn't use it to hook up with anyone" - "I would sometimes look at the pictures and that is all" - - - "I did not have any communication with any of these women". "I just saw their pictures on random websites and downloaded them". I don't believe him. I think he was putting himself out as being available, with the intent to meet women. His most recent download was 8/23/2007 - 8 different poses of the same female. He has made an appointment to speak with a therapist on Friday and asked if I would go. It is for 4-sessions: 1st - Me, him and the therapist 2nd - Him and the therapist 3rd - Me and the therapist 4th - Me, him and the therapist I am going to go to the 1st session. I am going to take my laptop, sign onto the dating site that he was on, and ask him to log on. He said the he will do "anything to save his relationship". This will, at least be a way for him to prove he never communicated with anyone; that he is a cheater, and not a cheater and a chronic liar. Link to post Share on other sites
Whyme_wtf Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 Why are you waisting your time. Looking for a glimmer of hope. Trying to teach him a lesson. Belittle him? watch him squirm? I know you are mad and angry and have every right. Don't waste another moment on his cronic pathological lying. To be prepared better if you do go...Get this book and read it quickly (it is a quick read) When Your Lover Is a Liar by Susan Forward (http://www.amazon.com/When-Your-Lover-Liar-Deception/dp/0060931159) Good luck. You deserve better Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Last night, I finally answered my ex-fiances phone call. He's been calling and emailing since Saturday, crying, pleading, begging, asking for forgiveness, asking for a chance to correct things. He's admitting that he made a mistake, he's saying, "I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you", "I will do whatever I have to do to fix this", etc... The mistake he is admittig to, is that he was wrong for not taking his profile off the dating site and for having pictures of single women downloaded. He is still saying, "Although my profile was on the dating site, I didn't use it to hook up with anyone" - "I would sometimes look at the pictures and that is all" - - - "I did not have any communication with any of these women". "I just saw their pictures on random websites and downloaded them". I don't believe him. I think he was putting himself out as being available, with the intent to meet women. His most recent download was 8/23/2007 - 8 different poses of the same female. He has made an appointment to speak with a therapist on Friday and asked if I would go. It is for 4-sessions: 1st - Me, him and the therapist 2nd - Him and the therapist 3rd - Me and the therapist 4th - Me, him and the therapist I am going to go to the 1st session. I am going to take my laptop, sign onto the dating site that he was on, and ask him to log on. He said the he will do "anything to save his relationship". This will, at least be a way for him to prove he never communicated with anyone; that he is a cheater, and not a cheater and a chronic liar. He may have already deleted any communications he's had through the dating site. Be prepared for that. Link to post Share on other sites
popey Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 did he have his picture up on the dating site? if so, you should search the many sites and see if he has one up else where. If you find it, don't tell him you found it. Rather use it for your therapy, laptop plan. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 I think you did the right thing. Don't bother playing games in therapy, what will it prove? He will already have deleted any compromising pics, emails, communication etc. Just quit and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
TryingToHeal3 Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 You left him because you know that, that was the best decision. Now, the sincerity of the situation isn't so much so that you couldn't take him back. Because frankly, you'll be searching the world 20 times over if you try to find a man that doesn't look at porn online, movies, what ever. Do you think that he will do this again? If not, keep your options open. Especially if he is regretably sorry. I knoe how you feel. That is the only reason I had to respond. Link to post Share on other sites
SueBee3490 Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 My fiance cheated on me 3 weeks before marrying me. I regret everyday of my life that I married him. Of course I didn't know he was cheating on me at the time, but I had some reservations about marrying him - I wished I would have done things differently. Like you, I also found out he was on the internet - of course he said he was just "chatting" with these women. I so wanted to believe him. But later I found out that he was doing more than chatting with these women. He'd actually met a few and yes did have sex. My whole world fell apart because at that point we'd said our vows and bought a home together. It wasn't so easy to turn and walk out as it would have been if we weren't married yet. I don't know if your fiance is cheating on you, but I know I would definitely put the wedding off for a while. If you've already made up your mind to end it, that's probably all for the better. I know in my case even finding out that he was betraying me behind my back by talking to these women was enough for me to want to divorce. I knew he had broken my trust and then to find out he betrayed/cheated on me for years, just was too much. I can never get back the trust for him again and I knew I never would. Good luck on what you decide. I think I would move on without him. Link to post Share on other sites
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