Darth Vader Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 "You keep saying that you don't like the feelings of guilt, to me that is very self centered. I'm sure your husband doesn't like all the feelings he's going through, either. That's harsh reality. " maybe it is sef centered, but you know I guess the one who cheated goes through stages also. I am not stringing him along, I told him I cheated, I told him I do not want to be with him, I told him I made a mistake, it was very very wrong...and now it feels like he is guilt tripping me into staying...how many times do I have to tell him, it is over? Sure I'm a b*tch for falling out of love, but deal with it. people do mean things to eachother all the time, you either deal with it and leave, or deal with it and stay....i already made that choice for him. I didn't sign up for this cry baby / how could you ruin my lift/ bull crap... and I can not be the one to hold his hand while he gets a divorce...sorry, truth hurts Perhaps the WS goes through stages as well. It will take time for him to realize that you don't want him, it's alot to process. So.... You're now insulting your STBXH for being emotional, yeah, just kick him while he's down, that's the way to do it! Just blame him for feeling the way he does for your screw up! Reverse that last statement towards yourself, and see how that sounds! Imagine that it's your husband that just typed that about you! Then you Deal with it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 Yeah, I understand this, that is why I try to be supportive through his crazy up and downs, it's just taking a lot longer then I imagined, and it feels as if I can't make it better, he just wants me to suffer...which I deserve and I do suffer, I understand, however I will not go on the rest of my life paying for a mistake Unfortunately he will pay for the rest of his life, he'll have that memory! It may fade after a loong time, but, he'll still have it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 Yeah, I understand this, that is why I try to be supportive through his crazy up and downs, it's just taking a lot longer then I imagined, and it feels as if I can't make it better, he just wants me to suffer...which I deserve and I do suffer, I understand, however I will not go on the rest of my life paying for a mistake Lost, I get that you want to move on, and it certainly sounds like a divorce is best for both of you. But on a more emotional level, reading this made me cringe with memory. Right after I discovered my exH's affair, he became angry and defensive that I couldn't just move on already. I mean, just a couple of weeks. He was impatient and defensive, and basically was like, hey, sorry, but what's done is done, so why can't you let it go? Um. Wow. He'd been carrying on an affair for a year, and processing all of his resentments and anger toward me throughout that entire time, and he wanted me to get over it in a couple of weeks? How unbelievably insensitive, especially to someone he had professed to care about. I seriously couldn't believe it, and it really was like adding insult to injury. Interestingly, several months ago he emailed me out of the blue, basically being all chatty, as though nothing had happened! (Mind you, we hadn't spoken for several years at this point. Nada.) I didn't answer, of course, and then he emailed again to tell me how embarrassed he still is whenever he thinks about that time, and how great it would be if I would "forgive" him! My point being that "moving on" isn't so simple as shaking hands and walking away; no matter how "done" he felt at the time, he wasn't really. And despite how impatient as you feel right now, I recommend working through this time and approaching divorce in as caring and sensitive a way as you can. I do think that you will be glad of it later, when you are both living separate lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 4. QUIT HITTING ON THIS WOMAN! She may, I hate to say it, have been exposed to AIDS! Lost, have you been tested for HIV yet? It's good that you and your husband haven't had sex! For his sake! Hi Vader! I appreciate the thought but I'm a little more worried about computer viruses at this distance! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost4ever Posted October 3, 2007 Author Share Posted October 3, 2007 thanks serial muse for the post, I understand he hasn't been able to process it like I have....however, we are not talking about a matter of weeks, we are talking months, and months... We do not fight, I simply tell him I am sorry for the pain I caused him. I regret my actions, and he knows that MM and I ae not together. The thing that upsets me, is he doesn't try to heal, he doesn't want to heal, he just wants to rub it in my face that I did this.... So.... You're now insulting your STBXH for being emotional, yeah, just kick him while he's down, that's the way to do it! Just blame him for feeling the way he does for your screw up! Reverse that last statement towards yourself, and see how that sounds! Imagine that it's your husband that just typed that about you! Then you Deal with it! I did not think I was insulting him, I wouldn't do that..ever! I am expressing my anger with his reaction... (turn the sentence around?) He didn't sign up for a cheating whore for a wife (you see when he says it, I get it...) and he says it every damn day! After i told him of the affair and he said this, I gave him time to heal, after he healed and he said this, I gave him time to be angry, after the anger and he still said this...well...I think it is time to get over it, he doesn't want to forgive me, he doesn't want to work on it... It's not a give him time to heal situation, it's an I'm going to make you suffer situation.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 thanks serial muse for the post, I understand he hasn't been able to process it like I have....however, we are not talking about a matter of weeks, we are talking months, and months... We do not fight, I simply tell him I am sorry for the pain I caused him. I regret my actions, and he knows that MM and I ae not together. The thing that upsets me, is he doesn't try to heal, he doesn't want to heal, he just wants to rub it in my face that I did this.... So.... You're now insulting your STBXH for being emotional, yeah, just kick him while he's down, that's the way to do it! Just blame him for feeling the way he does for your screw up! Reverse that last statement towards yourself, and see how that sounds! Imagine that it's your husband that just typed that about you! Then you Deal with it! I did not think I was insulting him, I wouldn't do that..ever! I am expressing my anger with his reaction... (turn the sentence around?) He didn't sign up for a cheating whore for a wife (you see when he says it, I get it...) and he says it every damn day! After i told him of the affair and he said this, I gave him time to heal, after he healed and he said this, I gave him time to be angry, after the anger and he still said this...well...I think it is time to get over it, he doesn't want to forgive me, he doesn't want to work on it... It's not a give him time to heal situation, it's an I'm going to make you suffer situation.... Hey lost, Are you going to get back with your husband at some point? Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 You don't want to be there anyway, am I right? I'm pretty sure you said that earlier. In which case, he's never going to heal while you are there. If you're there, it's a constant reminder, and the only way to heal then is for you to give 100% of yourself to helping him get there. It doesn't sound like you're willing to do that. Maybe it would be better if you weren't together. With you not there he'd have a chance to get over it on his own. Please don't think I'm being judgemental. It really doesn't matter to me one way or the other. I've just been in his shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 I don't think her husband is anywhere near healing. Is there really any purpose in him living elsewhere & still calling, visiting etc... with lost4? Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 thanks serial muse for the post, I understand he hasn't been able to process it like I have....however, we are not talking about a matter of weeks, we are talking months, and months... We do not fight, I simply tell him I am sorry for the pain I caused him. I regret my actions, and he knows that MM and I ae not together. The thing that upsets me, is he doesn't try to heal, he doesn't want to heal, he just wants to rub it in my face that I did this.... So.... You're now insulting your STBXH for being emotional, yeah, just kick him while he's down, that's the way to do it! Just blame him for feeling the way he does for your screw up! Reverse that last statement towards yourself, and see how that sounds! Imagine that it's your husband that just typed that about you! Then you Deal with it! I did not think I was insulting him, I wouldn't do that..ever! I am expressing my anger with his reaction... (turn the sentence around?) He didn't sign up for a cheating whore for a wife (you see when he says it, I get it...) and he says it every damn day! After i told him of the affair and he said this, I gave him time to heal, after he healed and he said this, I gave him time to be angry, after the anger and he still said this...well...I think it is time to get over it, he doesn't want to forgive me, he doesn't want to work on it... It's not a give him time to heal situation, it's an I'm going to make you suffer situation.... I mean turn the statement around like it's your husband that typed it about you, instead of you typing him, put her in there. It's like putting yourself into the role of BS, you know, reversing the roles, as if he typed all of those harsh things you typed about him, then you'll see how selfish it looks and sounds! About him wanting you to suffer, well, maybe. Maybe this is his revenge on you. After all you stated that you had a revenge affair! Doesn't feel good, huh?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost4ever Posted October 3, 2007 Author Share Posted October 3, 2007 I am not there. I live on my own, He just comes over everyday (and no I do not call him to come over) Here is an example of how my life goes... I wake up, Leave for work at 7:00, I get a text message at 7:30 every morning: Hi, Have a good day. 1.) If I text anything back: you to, how are things, (anything) he calls me to meet him for lunch so we can talk. a.) If I go to lunch, I hear he can not forgive me for what I did and I should just leave him alone b.) If I don't go, I hear I am a stupid whore and that my boyfriend must be in town 2.) If I ignore it (text): when I get home from work he comes over to ask me what my damn problem is, just because we are getting a divorce doesn't mean I have to ignore him and this goes on day in day out, no matter what I do, I am emotionally damaging him. I tell him he needs to have no contact with me until he can figure out how he wants to handle this, he doesn't I'm nice to him and let him hang out all the time, he gets clingy one min. angry the next.. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 Oh. I guess I've not read your whole story. My appologies. Sounds like your NC idea would be best. Doesn't sound like "letting him hang out" is really being that nice. Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 I am not there. I live on my own, He just comes over everyday (and no I do not call him to come over) Here is an example of how my life goes... I wake up, Leave for work at 7:00, I get a text message at 7:30 every morning: Hi, Have a good day. 1.) If I text anything back: you to, how are things, (anything) he calls me to meet him for lunch so we can talk. a.) If I go to lunch, I hear he can not forgive me for what I did and I should just leave him alone b.) If I don't go, I hear I am a stupid whore and that my boyfriend must be in town 2.) If I ignore it (text): when I get home from work he comes over to ask me what my damn problem is, just because we are getting a divorce doesn't mean I have to ignore him and this goes on day in day out, no matter what I do, I am emotionally damaging him. I tell him he needs to have no contact with me until he can figure out how he wants to handle this, he doesn't I'm nice to him and let him hang out all the time, he gets clingy one min. angry the next.. Lost4, Your affair aside now - you don't live with him. That is YOUR personal space. My exh did the same thing only I left him cause he screwed around on me. He called me at work everyday, when I got home from work, he cried the blues of how he doesn't want to live w/o me. BooHoo. He'd come over unannounced & expect to stay for hours. NO. THIS IS MY SPACE. I WON'T HAVE IT!! Sorry for my own rant on your thread but your husband is not going to heal this way. He needs to stay away. You're not doomed with eternal punishment & neither is he by seeing you. Boy I hope I mads some sorta sense here??? TF Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost4ever Posted October 3, 2007 Author Share Posted October 3, 2007 Hey lost, Are you going to get back with your husband at some point? If I end up getting back with my huband, it would only be because I caved in and couldn't stand this anymore, (Which I do not want to do) My marraige was not good before the affair, I asked for a divorce many times, he did the same stuff he is doing now, just wouldn't let go. i could easily stay in my marraige: My huband makes good money (a lot more than me) My husband is very good looking, My husband loves me more than anything...but, before I had an affair, he was very Jelous, and possessive (I am not placing blame on him) When we went to MC (before affair) even they told him he isn't in love with me as much as obsessed, I couldn't live like that before, and I know it would only be worse now...just the other day he said "I knew I should have never allowed you to work"--what? Is there really any purpose in him living elsewhere & still calling, visiting etc... with lost4 No not really, it's always things like, the hot water heater broke can I come over and take a shower, or I just received a check made out to both of us, can I come over and you sign it.... Link to post Share on other sites
Jinnah Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 As may anyone who's having sex... Not true if you are in a 100% monogomous relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 Do not go back into the marriage just because he make better $$ than you or any of the other reasons you stated. You both separated to try to get thru this. Remind him of this & you remember why also. He is hurting. We know this. But, he doesn't need to be at your place (or at your throat) day in & day out. I'm not trying to take sides here just trying to SEE both sides. TF Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost4ever Posted October 3, 2007 Author Share Posted October 3, 2007 See here is the thing, I wouldn't stay with him for any of the reasons stated, It has been so long now that I sometimes find myself forgeting why I didn't want to be married in the first place, and now with the affair, I forget sometimes that there were other reasons for this situation besides my mistakes (and he tries his best to make sure I don't remember anything, but my cheating) I know the best thing to do is make him stay away, it just feels like I would kill him if I was down right mean to him. See I was suppose to tell him about the affair, he was suppose to hate me, and he was suppose to leave.....It didn't turn out that way Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 See here is the thing, I wouldn't stay with him for any of the reasons stated, It has been so long now that I sometimes find myself forgeting why I didn't want to be married in the first place, and now with the affair, I forget sometimes that there were other reasons for this situation besides my mistakes (and he tries his best to make sure I don't remember anything, but my cheating) I know the best thing to do is make him stay away, it just feels like I would kill him if I was down right mean to him. See I was suppose to tell him about the affair, he was suppose to hate me, and he was suppose to leave.....It didn't turn out that way This is why I say you don't need to be subjected to eternal punishment by your husband. You are by no means mean by reminding him of why you two are living apart right now. You don't have a revolving door for him. He needs to be clear of what he wants from you. Is he using this time away as time to heal & to think or is he using this time to torment you & himself? I don't know if the two of you will/or are able to reconcile but you both can't continue to live as you are. You were under the impression that he would leave after you told him of the affair & that was supposed to be the end of it all? Like you said "It didn't turn out that way". Communication from the start is key in all relationships...... But now communication is missing at this part of your marriage. I'm sure you know that & I'll shut up now. ((((Lost))))) & (((( For your Husband too)))) TF Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 Lost, I tried to send you a pm but it's disabled. TF Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 TF, is completely correct! You absolutely have to take some time to heal here! You have issues that go way beyond this situation! You need to look at your health insurance and see what they have for IC coverage. This is your chance, your time. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 Lost, you said he got physically violent, did he hit you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost4ever Posted October 4, 2007 Author Share Posted October 4, 2007 I will try to turn on the pm thing (really don't know how) I am in IC, (I hate it) since we are on that subject, I have a question Do they hug you when you enter and leave? I'm not really a hugging type of person (to strangers), and it is wierd, I assume they do this to everyone to make them feel close, but it really sucks, I just don't want to say anything and then I have to talk about why I don't want to hug him.... Darth, My husband is not abusive, he had an "issue" one night, it's over and done with (that sounds like a typical victim) but seriously I have known my husband for a long time, he has gotten mad maybe 4 times in 7 years. I pushed him with this affair thing and he is very sorry for the way he acted (one night) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Go to your profile and there should be an option to enable private messages. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Not true if you are in a 100% monogomous relationship. So long as your partner is also in a 100% monogamous relationship. And all of their other partners that you don't know about are also in 100% monogamous relationships. And all of the other partners of those other partners are also in 100% monogamous relationships... :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D After all, all these threads show clearly that: 1) no one ever cheats or lies to their partner about fidelity issues 2) if they did, it would be obvious instantly. Actually, my original post was wrong. It shouldn't have read "anyone who's having sex". It shoudl have read, "anyone who's ever had sex". But yes, the more exposure, the more chance of infection, the greater risk of seroconversion. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 I am not there. I live on my own, He just comes over everyday (and no I do not call him to come over) Here is an example of how my life goes... I wake up, Leave for work at 7:00, I get a text message at 7:30 every morning: Hi, Have a good day. 1.) If I text anything back: you to, how are things, (anything) he calls me to meet him for lunch so we can talk. a.) If I go to lunch, I hear he can not forgive me for what I did and I should just leave him alone b.) If I don't go, I hear I am a stupid whore and that my boyfriend must be in town 2.) If I ignore it (text): when I get home from work he comes over to ask me what my damn problem is, just because we are getting a divorce doesn't mean I have to ignore him and this goes on day in day out, no matter what I do, I am emotionally damaging him. I tell him he needs to have no contact with me until he can figure out how he wants to handle this, he doesn't I'm nice to him and let him hang out all the time, he gets clingy one min. angry the next.. Lost, This is just abusive! You do not have to put up with this. In that situation, I would consider: 1) tell him firmly by calmly that you think NC would be best for both of you. Then delete any messages, emails, voicemails he leaves. If he comes around, don't answer the door. Maybe get a really fierce dog to discourage him from doing so! If that doesn't work, 2) getting an interdict to prevent him from harassing you. NC legally enforced. If he breaks the terms of the court order, he faces legal penalties - arrest, a fine, jail - whatever your legal system stipulates in your country. 3) or, ask one of your male friends to pretend to be your boyfriend, who can call him up (or pay him a visit) and tell him to back off, in that menacing way that implies physical violence if he doesn't, that men seem to hear only from other men. Yes (3) is tacky and disempowering in that he's still not hearing YOU but some guys really don't seem to be able to hear until they can sense bone on flesh. Neither of you is going to be able to move on while he continues this. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 I will try to turn on the pm thing (really don't know how) I am in IC, (I hate it) since we are on that subject, I have a question Do they hug you when you enter and leave? I'm not really a hugging type of person (to strangers), and it is wierd, I assume they do this to everyone to make them feel close, but it really sucks, I just don't want to say anything and then I have to talk about why I don't want to hug him.... Thats kinda wierd! If I was in IC and the guy tells me he wants a hug.... . I'd put a stop to that right away. I suggest a simple knee to groin move. Nonverbal communication is very important in therapy!! What else about IC rubs you the wrong way? Link to post Share on other sites
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