Taking the plunge...Proof read my letter

[MaximusPower]

Hey fellow LoveShackers,

 

After stumbling across this site and reading a few threads I thought I should post my situation.

 

I have been best friends with a girl I met over ten years ago. She has been my closest friend and confidant. We are both single at the same time for the first time in the 10 years and it has come to the crunch that I have to tell her how I feel as she is in my thoughts from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep.

 

As with most of the other threads of this nature I am extremely concerned this could take an adverse effect on our friendship but it is something I have to find out.

 

We had joked that if we were both single at 30 we would get married. I'm now 30 and she is 28, she has a kid. I was hoping to say it all in person, but I don't think I would be able to get the words out, so I have written a letter. I am yet to decide whether or not to stay while she reads it, or be a short drive away to give her time to think. Anyway, enough ranting, I will post what I have written here, and hope for some feedback, then I am off to bed - it is 2:30am after all. Mu.s.t.s.t.o.p.t.h.i.n.k.i.n.g.a.b.o.u.t.h.e.r.a.n.d.g.o.t.o.s.l.e.e.p.

 

You might want to sit down to read this.

 

Writing this is not quite the way I wanted to express this to you, but trying to find the words, and more importantly, trying to say them out loud would be very difficult for me. Over more than a decade you have been my closest friend and confidant. Let me just say that what I am writing is without hope or agenda. I do not want this to in any way have an adverse effect on the amazing friendship we already have, but I need to have made my feelings towards you clear. I understand if these feelings are not reciprocated, and I am happy to continue with our friendship as it is, but let me just say that I love you. I have always loved you since I met you, and will always love you. It has been a strange feeling over the past few years. I have been in relationships where I sat back and tried to figure out how I could feel more for you than I have with any of my girlfriends of past. It was not until recently, I decided that I could not be in a relationship with someone that I did not feel as strongly about as I do with you. It is the first time I have ever experienced ‘true’ love.

 

Tell me if you think I am misreading this feeling, but I have not felt this way about anyone ever before in my life. To me, you are perfect. I love and am in love with everything about you. Your laugh, your smile, your eyes. Just being around you makes me feel like I can be me. And I don’t ever want to lose that feeling.

 

Which is why I feel like I am making a massive gamble in telling you this, because if I was to damage or affect our relationship by laying my heart on the line, I would not have done it. But I am at that point in my life where I have to take action on my life and where I would like it to be.

 

One of the reasons I had not said anything earlier about this, other than the fear of rejection, is I had to be sure that I was in the right place emotionally, mentally and financially. I can not offer you the immediate financial security of some of your past suitors, however, with my business starting to take off and soon to complete my university degree, I am on my way to building a level of financial security, a position I wanted to be in so I could offer that to you and to your daughter, as I know that as being of importance to you.

 

I have loved you since the first time I saw you, and although I dismissed it as a crush then, with time it has grown in to something that I cannot ignore anymore. If this feeling is unrequited I understand, and I will be ok with that, but I just need to have addressed this in order for me to get on with my life.

 

I love you more than you can understand. Should you not feel the same way, I will be OK with that. I may need a few days to think things over, but I would then envision our friendship continuing as normal. Please take all the time you need to consider what I have written here, and when you are ready give me a call, or an email or a letter.

 

With all my love

[glittergurl]

I think it's a very sweet letter and I'm sure she will be touched.

 

But personally, letters are never my favorite option. And I'll tell you why: they're too easy to set aside or misinterpret. And most of all: easy to not respond to. They also give people too much time to think things over before they get back to you. And that hardly ever works in your favor. Second thoughts are a lover's worst enemy.

 

My main question here is, do you guys ever flirt? Does she act like she's into you at all?

 

It's a classic scenario for long time friends: one has feelings, the other not so much, and instead of taking the classic flirting route and building up the attraction, the one with feelings suddenly comes out and ruins the fun. I can honestly tell you, you cannot skip the flirting step. Even if you've known each other for so long. What you want to achieve is shifting from the friend zone to the love zone. That's not gonna happen with a letter. It's gonna happen with flirting, passion, and attraction.

[Lance Taylor]

I totally understand your feelings but honestly I would not send the letter.

 

The reason is that it never works. If you are just trying to get it off your chest and you arent trying to date her, then by all means send away. But if you really want to be with her, keep the letter to yourself for now.

 

You are currently being viewed as a friend. And when a friend sends a letter like that, it makes her think "gross youre like my brother". So before you confess your love, you have to change the way you are seen by her. I would increase the flirting, touching, etc. And start talking to her in a way that you would someone that you have a relationship with. Date other people, dont rub it in her face but dont be afraid for her to find out. Its very hard to change the way you are seen, but you have to do it. Dont be the guy thats there for her, be the guy that wants to hook up with her. I know that doesnt sound very gentlemenlike but trust me, thats the kind of guy girls like.

 

And dont worry about losing your friendship. That is oftentimes just an excuse for not making a move. The only way it would ruin your friendship is if you are unable to go back to acting like friends. She will be fine with it.

 

Good luck!

[casesensitive]

I have this problem, too. I am tempted to write such letters all the time. As sweet as this one is, don't send it. You may be just setting yourself up for disappointment and opening yourself up to being really hurt. As the others said, try to talk about it to her after assessing the situation. If anything, keep writing this letter--revising, changing, editing, deleting, adding--in order to understand your feelings more and what you need from her not to send it to her.

 

I sent a letter to someone who broke up with me telling him I was sorry. I sent a letter to someone who was a friend and I had feelings for. I sent a letter to someone to break off a friendship. I almost sent a letter to someone with whom I have an ambiguous relationship now. But I learned it's best not to send such letters. They are too heavy and too serious. It's like dropping a bomb in the middle of someone's life. If you need to talk to her about it, don't say "we need to talk" or anything. Bring it up in conversation when you're hanging out as inconspicuously as possible. It'll still come as a surprise, but you both will be able to navigate and deal with escalating situations and emotions face to face.

[Ocean-Blue]

That's a sweet letter.

 

I'd hold off for now from sending it to her. You may be catching her off guard and she may, in return, not know how to respond to it (thus possibly ruining your chances with her).

 

Like the other posters mention, try flirting with her. Start in a very subtle way...get her used to the idea of you being a possible suitor. And if you pick up certain vibes, you'll know where to take it from there.

 

The worst thing you can do is screw with the friendship by suddenly declaring your love for her. Allow her to see you in a non-platonic light...let her sit and consider the possibilities. And then, you can gently introduce the letter.

 

Good luck!

[MaximusPower]

She has been contacting me more frequently, and more flirtatious and I have been responding of course. But there was the added complication that a guy recently was interested in her and they had been seeing each other for the past couple of weeks. When I spoke with her today she had broken it off as she 'just didn't feel that connection', and asked if she could cook me dinner tomorrow night.

 

I'm not reading more into it at this stage than just a friend cooking a friend dinner. Certainly not going to jump straight into things.

 

I see all of the above comments as having strong validity, and am going to heed the advice and not give her the letter, i think the letter in its present form is more of a cathartic release so the situation wasn't constantly spinning around in my head. I am able to go back to it and modify it or add to it as I feel, and it allows me a forum to clear my thoughts (with the help of fellow Loveshackers).

[Trimmer]

Let me just say that what I am writing is without hope or agenda.... I understand if these feelings are not reciprocated.... If this feeling is unrequited I understand.... Should you not feel the same way, I will be OK with that....

I understand you have an instinct to handle the situation delicately, and try to keep the pressure off her, but these statements are all invitations to rejection. And I know, because that's my tendency, too...

 

But, if you really are hoping for something more, this type of stuff really dampens the spark, and makes you seem like you are cowering before something you are afraid of. Acceptable in a "friend" but not that attractive in a romantic partner.

 

So I agree with the posters above not to send the letter on general principles, but as you refine it for your own purposes, to clarify your thoughts and feelings, try to see yourself as worthy of her interest, instead of offering yourself passively while simultaneously pointing out the door, in case she wants to make an escape.

 

You will not be able to make this risk free - or I should say, the only way to truly minimize the risk is to water it down so much that you won't seem that interesting. There may be some risk here, but consider that she may be flattered by your interest, and that she may well consider you attractive. To maxmimze you chances, you will need to believe that you are worthy, and you will benefit greatly from walking in with a confident (albeit not arrogant) feeling. Know that she's not the only one with something attractive and worthwhile to offer here.

 

Incidentally, cooking together, or one of you cooking for the other, is a good thing. This would be a gerat opportunity to step it up a bit, make things just a little more intimate, etc... Have you done this kind of thing before? If not, great, then it's already a step up. If this is something you've done before, try doing something to push it just a bit more in the intimate direction, like dimming the lights and having lit candles on the table, if that's not something you've done before. Just do some things to step it up a little bit. Don't ask if it's OK, don't wonder - have confidence and just do it, and feel your way from there...

[reboot]

I think what he's saying is, go slowly, go carefully, but go for it. And I completely agree. Many madly in love people were friends first. What better person to fall in love with than a friend?

[Aintayankee]

Dunno about using the word love so much. Sounds great. Tell her you think about her all day every day. Try dropping it in her mailbox maybe, or something, but this note is fine considering you have talked to her/known her for 10 years.

 

Definitely do it. Then just tell her you like her and she is pretty when you see her in person after that.

 

Good luck.