Try and make this quick!

[spike7165]

Hi

Any advice appreciated try and make it quick:

GF of 2.5 years, 1st year LDR moved to be with her. Went downhill a few months after moving in, me stressed but her feeling trapped.

She felt like I controlled her, jealous etc which sometimes I admit I was but also she did feel trapped living with me because she wants to do what she wants when she wants

Anyway she goes away to see a friend in USA for 1 month, when shes back not happy even though I look after her son not mine for the 1 month. She wants to split up soon after being back. On the brink of complete split up twice, pulled back because eventually I said I would return to the UK which seemed to pacify her.

Then things went normal! Weird! She was happy before I left, loving, caring etc. Until I found she had been messaging a guy from a year and a half before, I love you, miss you etc etc. Said it meant nothing and she was just worried about her future without me there.

I told her I would look after her wanted a future and could make money in the UK to take care of her son and her.

She said she emailed him to finish it, and I asked her to her face a couple of times once in the taxi on the way to the airport. She swore he had not contacted her and got a bit angry for me asking.

I find out today that on the PC I left in Asia she or he has logged into his my space account with his password two days in a row over the weekend and also into a banking website that is not hers. So I strongly suspect he is there now a couple of days after I left, though I cant be 100% as he could have given her the password.

Thing is what do I do now....helll...I am 7000 miles away, I love her a lot, I know she is panicking about her future right now and she did seem really genuine before I left that she wanted a future with me.

Is she stringing me along, both of us, one of us or what? Going a bit crazy here, think I might have to just get back on a plane and confront her which is not easy or cheap but how can I try and make a future for her when she is definitely lying to me at least about contact with this other guy!!

Any help appreciated guys and gals

[spike7165]

Can anybody offer me any support on this. I am about to hop on a plane back to Asia 7000 miles to finish it and want to be sure I am not throwing away what I thought was my one true love and soul mate. I ignored 10 calls from her last night and it hurts not to talk to her so much I feel sick. Any help please.

[Woggle]

She is playing you and I suggest you pack your stuff up and leave. She is not worth anymore drama.

[spike7165]

Yeah I think I have come to the same unfortunate conclusion which is hard because I love her so much but her behaviour is terrible and not something I can put up with especially from a distance of 7000 miles. Thanks

[Cobra_X30]

Yeah I think I have come to the same unfortunate conclusion which is hard because I love her so much but her behaviour is terrible and not something I can put up with especially from a distance of 7000 miles. Thanks

 

How do you plan to end this?

[Whyme_wtf]

How many more signs do you need? Would being hit with a train wake you up to how she is and will never change?

End it. Dont spend another dime or time on it.

[spike7165]

In response to what I intent to do....I'm back on a plane tomorrow morning to fly the 7000 miles back after I left last week to confront her and finish the car and apartment I am paying for for her! I know total mug!

I really don't understand how some people male or female can appear so genuine, loving, caring, serious about a future, having sex, wanting to get married all that stuff, laying it on real thick while all the time they are thinking about someone else being there the weekend after I leave. That's what is driving me crazy, we were making love happily and talking about the future and marriage the Saturday before I left! I mean what the hell!

I am glad I left the PC in Asia or I would never know but a log on to a military banking website, followed by a login to his myspace page with his password finally followed by a gmail login says it all. Glad I work in IT and know what I am doing and they don't.

I appreciate the confirmation of what I was thinking, I just needed some reassurance that although I did and still do love her so so damn much I am doing the right thing for my future.

Thanks all.

[Cobra_X30]

In response to what I intent to do....I'm back on a plane tomorrow morning to fly the 7000 miles back after I left last week to confront her and finish the car and apartment I am paying for for her! I know total mug!

I really don't understand how some people male or female can appear so genuine, loving, caring, serious about a future, having sex, wanting to get married all that stuff, laying it on real thick while all the time they are thinking about someone else being there the weekend after I leave.

 

Welcome to the world of women! They will string you along like this... its almost an instinct!

 

Anyway... I mean what are you going to do to mitigate your losses? Are you going to kick her out the apartment right away? Are you going to take the car? Are you prepared for her to lie straight to your face about this?

[spike7165]

I know she is going to lie to my face...she already suspects I know because I didn't answer the phone yesterday.

Cobra - Do me a favour or anyone and check I am not going mad. I am sure he was there but want someone to confirm it.

Saturday morning 8am - Military banking website. She would NEVER use it. Viewed accounts and did a transfer of money. 3 hours later Myspace. His login with his password. I can tell this from the history file, she wasn't just viewing his profile, her or him actually logged on.

Then gmail, his email address stored by google in the cookie file as the last logon address.

More of the same on Sunday.

I have been racking my brains to think that maybe he told her his my space password to look at the photos which is what they/he/she did but gmail as well and military banking. I think he is there but I need someone to tell me what they think because I know she is going to lie through her teeth.

I am not going to be angry,shouting etc. I have kind of just come to the end of my tether with it. She has lied about this guy too many damn times, but she can't stay in an apartment, an expensive one, with me paying for it and thinking she is being true to me while she is not. That's just taking the p&&s!!

Am I right or wrong?

[Cobra_X30]

Dude... Your right and you know it! Dont even bother second guessing this one. Even if she did just get his password... it means they had contact the whole time... isnt that just as unacceptable?

 

Look, you need to kick her out on the street the moment you get back. Anything the two of you have together needs to be locked down and gone before you even see her! Meaning if you have credit cards with her... cancel them.... ect.

 

Dont be nice! She has been taking advantage of you the whole time! Why bother bieng nice? Actually I know your going to be alot nicer than I would!

[spike7165]

Thanks for confirming what I really know but my head is too messed up to be sure myself.

I know I am too damn nice, problem is she has a 6 year old son I was like a father to, so I don't just want to throw her out on the street but she is getting notice to quit!

I know this is a stupid question, but do you think there is anyway back from this, people do cheat and fix things up later on. To be honest I have enough respect for myself to be not even sure I want that but I do still love her, unfortunately in some ways, there are things about her that are the best I have ever had.

She has obviously lost all respect for me and of course I cannot let her continue living 7000 miles apart doing what she wants in an apartment I struggle to pay for but I don't know whether I want to cut her out of my life forever being honest with myself. Is it a case of the tough love marriage builders Plan B that maybe she needs to see what she has lost OR is she a player and always a player and I should just cut my losses. Any thoughts?

[Cobra_X30]

Plan B? You are plan B! Every time your gone she is messin around with Plan A!

 

Naw, do you really think this is the best you can do? Is this all you deserve?

 

Lets say she does turn things around... and is perfect. Do you still want her? Now that you know what she is capable of?

 

It's obvious that she has another guy she can stay with! Why not let him take care of her? Isnt that what she wants anyway?

[norajane]

Advice? Make sure you take your pc back, too.

 

She's using you, and you just don't want to admit, are grasping at straws. She is USING you.

[spike7165]

It's scary how right you are, I hadn't mentioned this before but she does just want someone to pay for her and take care of her but without the hastle of actually having a proper family and living with someone. She had that with me and it was too much for her. She just wants to party and do what she wants when she wants with no responsibility not even for herself. She's 36 and wants to act like 18, drinking, partying and leaving her son with me all night, probably while she was with PLAN A!!!!

You are right I can do better and I am a bit angry, she is the hottest girl I have ever had, she's been in playboy! But she drives me totally crazy with her actions and i guess this is just a step too far!!

Problem is, I never had huge luck with women when I was young, then I married a pretty hot redhead who turned out to be a crazy redhead, now somehow I got a playboy model but she is totally crazy as well. I guess I am trying to hang onto that because as a man that felt damn good to have a woman like that on my arm and in my bed, but emotionally with trust & respect it's impossible. She is self destructive and self obsessed and frankly a bit crazy, so I know long term it would never work, I guess I am just trying to cling onto the hotness and the fun loving girl that did appear from time to time. Sorry bit of a rant!

[norajane]

Maybe it would help if you were attracted to quality rather than surface 'hotness'.

[spike7165]

Sorry that sounded shallow. When I met her I didn't know her background and we genuinely fell in love. I fell in love with a beautiful woman who was funny and had a good kind heart for her friends and people she loved. She was caring and obviously loved me very much from an early stage in our relationship, After a cold marriage that felt great. We spent hours and hours on the phone every day when apart and had amazing fun filled hours together. So I am not shallow but in a lot of ways, her being hot is one of them, I'm not going to lie I will be losing what was my best friend and someone I had a very special connection with from the first night I met her.

[spike7165]

She just called me now and it was all I could do not to say anything to her, I want to turn up on the door and see her face. She knows something is wrong, she called me on the PC using skype then immediately turned it off when I called her back on her mobile. She was desperate when I didn't speak to her yesterday called about 10 times, different phone numbers then today as soon as she woke up.......oh well. by the by...

[KingJones]

Never have i seen so many men getting punked in one setting. Look brother leave her alone. Don't talk to her don't answer her calls leave her alone. Leave her alone. Leave her alone. You are only hurting yourself with false hope and disbelief that women can be so heartless.

 

Face it my brother women are more evil than men. If you believe in the bible it was Job's wife that told him to curse God and die. Women are mean they do evil stuff all the time. Stay away from her i know it hurts like hell but talking to her only makes it worse.

[Whyme_wtf]

ok. the more i read this the more clear it is to me. you need to make a tough choice. sounds like you are getting your cake here too and cant leave because the cake and filling is sooooo good. if you need that more than self respect and someone that cares about you and you trust will be there, i say let him eat cake. but you will live in pain and mistrust and sorrow until she dumps you for another sugar daddy.

there are plenty of incredible women out there. go find one that will treat you with respect and rock your world too.

man up! and move on!

[spike7165]

Thanks Whyme. You are right....this is crazy...she may or may not love or care about me in some way but I sure as hell ain:t getting any respect or trust or truth from her. You are right about the cake, but I am sitting here now in an internet cafe in Tokyo having just flown on two flights 7000 miles with another one to go and I:ve just realised how stupid it is for me to do this to myself for someone who would never get off their ass and do that for me and doesn:t respect or trust me.

Last week I fly from Japan to Europe, now 3 days later I:m back again, I:m tired, sad and generally f*****d off with the lot.

If it wasnt for the fact that I am paying for an apartment in my name, bills and car I would just ignore her and not have bothered coming out here, but unfortunately I dont have that luxury as I trusted her that she wanted a future with me and was going to wait for me. No way am I having another man in an apartment I am paying for, he wants her then he can pay for her and her son......yeah right....see how long that lasts!!

Thanks guys, will let you know what happens

[spike7165]

Well I went out to Japan and found her walking round the supermarket. Almost gave her a heart attack. She admitted it immediately in the supermarket that she and this guy had been doing the deed for a couple of months and that she thought she loved him. She was honest at last, cried, apologised and said that she just didn't want to hurt me. She said she would move out of our apartment and to give her a bit of time.

I was too nice I think and didn't shout or scream, difficult in a supermarket and just said ok.

What's weird and I just dont get this with women. She said she maybe loved this guy, but then she says but you are BETTER than him, or words to that effect, that I do more for her or did more for her. I was like what, so what you doing with a guy who is second best in your head then. She said because she didn't love me as much as I did her. (I did have a tendency to lay it on maybe too thick) I said that and she said, what do you mean, you loved me too much???

Talk about confused, her and me, she obviously hasn't a clue what she is doing or wants. I should add that for the entire time she was making love to me with passion at the same time she supposedly loved him! How can people do this? She got two hearts?

Then it gets better, she says how did you know and I said the computer, it never lies. I said that I had done a fake myspace profile with a girls name to try and find out if he was in Japan.

She starts asking me about it and i said just that, fake girl asked him (the new man) if fake girl could view his profile, said he was cute etc. and he accepted.

So now she has lost it with him, because he accepted this fake girl who was trying to get it on with him. She feels deceived by him now and is calling me 10 times to talk about it!!! She told me she is going to dump him tomorrow now which I know she will do as once deceived when it comes to other women she never forgives.

So I was pretty much ready to walk away, very sad but accepting, clean out the apartment etc. Now god only knows!! I know I am probably being too nice but now she is talking about having no money and no one and having to work in some dodgy club with maybe prostitution involved. It is doing my head in.....the problem is I Care about her, I know I am stupid, too nice, she cheated on me. But I was 50% to blame for the problems in our relatinship and as hard as I try I just can't find it in my heart to leave her and her son to a rubbish life and maybe sinking into a world of vice.

I know everyone will say probably just run, run now, but how the hell do you do that when you are a nice guy and you have loved and still do love someone, maybe not the same, but they are the person you gave your heart to for 2.5 years and just leave them to fall into the sidewalk and trash....

What can I do, I really don't know.....I'm just too nice, I know I can't go back to Europe imagining what will happen to her......

This is reaching new levels of completely f*****d up!

[Whyme_wtf]

We are in the same game my friend. The reality is that us being the "nice guys", we fall for their crying and lies and want to make it better.

She did this to herself. You are not to blame. I did the same thing with the fake girl and talked to her ex online. I have a trail of conversation that says he liked her for the F!ing and that she was a nut. I also put a call into her mines exH to get insight. We are blocking what is screaming at us in the face!

I am running parallel to what you are doing not too. She will cry and say anything to give you false hope. Then it rolls back to the same ****, same lies, same stuff that you can't deal with. Except everyday that goes by, every lie that goes by, you are sucked in further and also are more untrusting. Is this the life you want to lead?

I know it is hard to want to pull the trigger (so to speak) and hurt someone. But realize this my friend, They hurt us and continue to. There is only gaps of time between the lies.

Get this book and read it quickly (it is a quick read) When Your Lover Is a Liar by Susan Forward (http://www.amazon.com/When-Your-Love.../dp/0060931159)

Keep us (me) informed.

[spike7165]

Glad to know someone else is going through the same thing.

The thing is I am not so sure I want her anymore, yes she is hot, yes I do care about her and yes I miss her but I can see that she was screwing someone else the same time as me and I am pretty sure one time the same damn night. So I am not blind to the fact that that is a pretty f****d up woman to be able to do that to two guys when she supposedly likes the new one....yeah right....!

I will get that book thanks for that, funny and stupid thing is now that I am kind of hoping they sort it out, I know how screwed up is that! Then I will have an easy way out and not have to worry about her. God why they hell are we nice!

Thing is though she is Brazilian and they don't forgive easily, if at all, she was cheated on by her husband so she has a very low threshold to anything bad involving other women, and lets face it why add a cute girl to your myspace profile you dont know who lives close to you!

Anyway back to the point, this is so screwed up, I cant believe I am actually thinking it may be good if they stay together as the alternative will be me caring too much, feeling guilty, trying to help her with money etc as I cant bear the alternative of her possibly going to some dodgy strip club with extras on offer.

Some advice if anyone reads this:

1) Don't ever ever date a stripper or adult model. Yes they are hot, yes they f**k like bunnies but they are screwed up in the head, all of them period! Oh and they love drama, excitement, fine at first but when a relationship leaves the honeymoon period, try keeping it up.

2) Don't do LDRs. When they go wrong especially after you have moved to be with them they go wrong bad. Think about it, when you have a fight or a break with a girl in your own town, you go home, to parents etc. and maybe go round the next morning and talk it through, that do you do in a 7000 mile LDR, oh yes I know fly 7000 miles on 3 flights one way on Wednesday then n Monday morning do it all again! Aghhhhhhhhhhh What the f**k is wrong with some women!!!!!!!!

Feel a bit better now, but still this is going to be a nightmare few days, whatever happens I know I am going to feel alone, sad and deflated after all of it. Too much drama - See stripper above.

[Whyme_wtf]

Wow, how similar. Mine is in Theatre (drama, drama, drama) and also a Soprano vocalist. She loves chaos and tries to surround herself in it. I know this is why she does the Serial Dating and multiple guys.

This is all well and good. I actually can say that I have been with different women on the same night. But there was no serious relationship involved or understanding of being SO with each other. If you can't keep your hands off others, then don't pledge your love and devotion to a person.

I read my SO phone bills and saw the sandwiching of calls between me and 2 other guys. I had the knowledge of going on a significant date and after we disconnected, she got on the phone and dialed in one of the others. I don't understand that either. IMO they must have been abandoned or something when they were younger. They always need someone to feel needed. Trouble is, they get bored and find a sparkle in someone elses jeans. My head is messed up now too in this regard and will more than likely not be able to trust in the future. Time will only tell me how I am affected.

I also do not know or feel I have the strength to do the needed yet mean thing face to face. It is not about being a coward or not being a man, it is about getting sucked in to the siren like ways. I agree that a good hot F!ing makes you think differently, but they still do not change.

I know all women are not like this, but as my login name says:

Why Me? What The F?

Stay strong brother!

[spike7165]

The crazy thing here is that mine thought she was doing the right thing, grass being greener etc. Now she has found that he is happy to accumulate sexy female friends on myspace she wants to dump him today!

I spent the morning with her and half the night on the phone to her listening to her talk about what he had done. How f****d up is that. We also found another myspace profile of his that says he likes "big breasts and to send photos" guess what she has big breasts so is completely ready to kill him, well at least dump him later.

Thing is I know she will do it, because her husband started off like this with girls on the internet, and she won't tolerate it especially when this guy has only been around for a few weeks, bad sign at an early stage.

Thing is then I know I am going to have a huge problem as I said before, she's not great girlfriend material in a lot of ways, but I love her. She is not sure what she wants but is talking about maybe being back with me and seeing what happens. Her friends are telling me she loves me as well!!!!

I mean what the hell does a guy do, you love her but she has treated you badly, she loves you but is confused as hell. You don't want to see her go down to street level literally for money.........omg so complicated.