Try and make this quick!

[Cobra_X30]

I mean what the hell does a guy do, you love her but she has treated you badly, she loves you but is confused as hell. You don't want to see her go down to street level literally for money.........omg so complicated.

 

It only looks complicated from where you stand! Ever hear the story of Alexander and the Gordion Knot?

 

Unless you enjoy getting cheated on, you have to kick her out. If you continue to financially support her, she will continue to be "confused".

 

She is using you, so that she can allow other guys to use her! Thats a messed up triangle that you dont want to be involved in!

[Whyme_wtf]

The hurt will not end for you. Even if she turns a leaf over to you, you will always be paranoid. You can't live your life like that either.

 

Wanna hear mimes reply that I will never trust her for what she put me through? let me attach her sick email:

" feel that in trying to help you out of your problem, I am making it worse.I want nothing more than to ease your pain that has persisted from last year.as I mentioned early in our conversation, perhaps when a peg pops, we face the issue and actively try to replace the emotion with a new opposite one.

kinda like stopping the video from playing and hitting something that changes the ending.maybe role playing thru the converstations from last year.. and changing the endings... as you have said, they could have been

so

different if I had just not lied.

I love you

so

much.

I love you more than I ever imagined.and will do

so

thru my lifetime and beyond."

 

My reply was, yeah and lets get all the original actors too. The other guys and everything. Replaying my hurt so you can give another answer is sick and the only one it can help is her. OMG she knows where she F'd up..Yeah I need to hear it again!

 

Like CobraX has told me also, focus your energy on the pain when you talk to her. You cannot allow this or you will live on this rollercoaster.

[norajane]

Do not take her back just because she says she's dumping the other guy because she's mad he would potentially cheat on her.

 

Ugh, and she has some nerve in going to you for comfort and to talk through her jealousy!

 

So what if she dumps him? Don't you realize that she'll start seeing someone else as soon as someone 'better' than you comes along again? How much money do you have anyway? Enough to support her forever while she's with whatever other guy comes along that she likes having sex with?

 

She ADMITTED she was cheating on you. Isn't that enough for you to see what kind of woman she is? Do you really need her to eat your heart for breakfast before you get it that she's no good?

[spike7165]

Hi All,

Thanks for your help so far. I need you to read this and please be honest with me....

So tonight it's over.....

What happened:

On Friday she supposedly dumped him because of what he had been doing on the internet, she was quite up about it and happy during the day and we went out at night to a club. We had reasonable fun, though she got too drunk and as usual flirted seriously with too many guys. She was saying I had saved her, she loved me and told all her friends what had happened and that I was great. We went home and I'm ashamed to say had sex...as soon as it was over she got upset and angry and told me to go, guess it sunk in what had happened during the day. So I went, but that night was enough to put me off her, she was absolutely vicious in what she was saying....

I took her son to a hotel with me because she was so angry with him as well and he is only 6! I then looked after him for most of the day while she was with her friends.

The next day Sunday, I helped with her son again, for all afternoon and evening. She said she wanted to see him again with some more stuff she had found from the internet to confront him. I didn't really see why as she said it was over on Friday

Anyway she confronted him again and called me to say it was definitely over and that I could sleep there rather than a hotel and she would help me with moving some bags the next day.

So I slept with her, stupid I know, no sex then the next day she doesn't freak out but again says she wants the day on her own with no men, not even her friends. She was a little bit desperate for me to go again but was telling me she did want to try again and fix the problems we had and seemed genuine, but she didnt really want to talk.

So I went back to the hotel, but when she didn't answer the phone in the evening I got suspicious. I have to admit I have called her a lot I can't help it. So I went back and by pure luck she was getting out of his car. He didn't stay but I went up to the apartment and confronted her, told her I had had enough of her lying and told her to get out of my apartment.

She was absolutely livid, totally insanely angry, bashing her head against the wall ,crying, screaming like she had been stabbed I thought someone would call the police.

She kept saying to me why didn't I trust her, she told me she just needed one day to sort things out and I kept checking on her.

 

Feel free to comment on the above, but right now I need anybody a lot saner than me right now to confirm I have done the right thing.

I really thought we had a great connection and I am so scared I will never find that again with someone. I can however, see how bad she is.

She seems to be so angry because I caught her again, is that right? What do you think?

She obviously cannot completely end it with this guy, presumably because she feels something significant for him. I am not stupid enough to think that if I had given her her one day, she really would have finished it in her head and that would be it. He would keep trying to call and she would give in and meet up again.

She has also obviously been keeping me as plan B, I know she feels something for me, but more akin to a friends love rather than a mature love between partners, the other guy is Plan A which she can't drop.

She I guess is mad now it's all unravelling and she is going to have to move out when he has no apartment, oh and by the way he came to the door while we were arguing so obviously she went off with him tonight. He didn't come in though but now he knows I am around as well!

She seems to have this need as she gets older for more and more male attention, both outside and in a relationship and cannot deal with the problems in a relationship instead running.

I feel responsible though, I got stressed with my business and was a bit of a bear, but I guess you should work through it rather than finding someone else.

Anyway enough venting, I would be really glad of any comments, feeling low right now on the sofa in our home drinking beer with no idea where she is as she drove off drunk and turned her phone off, though she is probably with him......

Was I right to finish it? Was she just keeping me in reserve?

[Cobra_X30]

Good thing you ended it!

 

Spike if you get a hotel again... I'm going to kick you! Just kick her out! If you want to keep sleeping with her... fine. Just dont put your feelings in it, and dont give her anything in return! This chick is a hooker... but free! Well, free for other guys!

 

You deserve better! Kick her out, and make her take care of her kid on her own.

 

I'm sorry your situation hurts so bad! Your better than this!

[spike7165]

Thanks Cobra

You are right about one thing she needs to start being a Mum at the age of 36 and start taking care of her son...instead of acting like a child.

Could I just ask - Was she still playing me in the last few days to keep me as a backup as opposed to realising she had made a mistake and could lose me.

I just need to check I didn't mess it up tonight and there was something worth saving? She is so believable when she says I saved her, she loves me etc etc.

I think she has been keeping me as a backup and couldn't properly end it with this guy, it would always have been one more day, one more day.

[Cobra_X30]

You have that desire to be her knight in shining armour! I can relate to that, but you cant save her... and she knows that. She is the one who has to make the right choice, and she doesnt want to do that.

 

Listen, you will never be plan A for this girl... if not this guy then she would have gone looking for another. She was playing you... and she is playing you now. The reason she is so believable is because it comes to her naturally. She doesnt think she is playing you... she just thinks she is confused or some crap. Otherwise she would have to admit to herself that she is trash.

 

Here is what you probably should do! Kick her out... make her move all her crap out somewhere else. I wouldnt spend a penny more on her.

 

Now, me I'd persue a friends with benefits type relationship with her while I searched for someone worthwhile. Why? Because if someone wants to try and use me... I am not ashamed to use them right back. I'm not sure this is a good strategy for you to follow however, because you may not be able to turn off those feelings.

[spike7165]

Amazing how spot on you are about her....I can see it now..

You are right I do want to save her, I don't want her to sink down and for her and her son to be in dire straits but I know I can't do it, which is damn hard when you do care for someone, but it's like she wants to self destruct.

 

It's funny what you said about trash etc....I think she actually does believe that she is doing what she thinks is best and not realising what she is doing. The word confused has come up from her so many times!!!! Or maybe she is now beginning to realise what she has done and can't cope hence the anger, tantrums etc. She is being caught out and made to face what she has done to people around her and she is getting some of it come back on her as well.

You are so right though, do you know her? :-) The genuine feeling in what she says sometimes goes beyond acting, it can only be that it does come to her naturally.

 

Have thought about the friends with benefits thing, I know she doesn't particular care about sex with other people even though she maybe would be with this guy. A classic quote once before we broke up when things were not good was that, we could both get married and see each other as friends and ****!

 

I have to say that is tempting and it would probably happen like that but I will find it difficult to separate my emotions I think. Though saying that everytime she has this crying, wailing, screaming tantrum I can see....do I really want to be married to that?

[analyseThis]

Amazing how spot on you are about her....I can see it now..

You are right I do want to save her, I don't want her to sink down and for her and her son to be in dire straits but I know I can't do it, which is damn hard when you do care for someone, but it's like she wants to self destruct.

 

It's funny what you said about trash etc....I think she actually does believe that she is doing what she thinks is best and not realising what she is doing. The word confused has come up from her so many times!!!! Or maybe she is now beginning to realise what she has done and can't cope hence the anger, tantrums etc. She is being caught out and made to face what she has done to people around her and she is getting some of it come back on her as well.

You are so right though, do you know her? :-) The genuine feeling in what she says sometimes goes beyond acting, it can only be that it does come to her naturally.

 

Have thought about the friends with benefits thing, I know she doesn't particular care about sex with other people even though she maybe would be with this guy. A classic quote once before we broke up when things were not good was that, we could both get married and see each other as friends and ****!

 

I have to say that is tempting and it would probably happen like that but I will find it difficult to separate my emotions I think. Though saying that everytime she has this crying, wailing, screaming tantrum I can see....do I really want to be married to that?

 

ok this woman is seriously not worth your time; you attention; your emotions and your money. She was obviously using you as her "sugar daddy" (aka the man that provides her with all the money while she screws around) and now is coming to a realization that shes going to loose that.

This is why shes having this mood swings

 

I think in all honesty the sooner you get rid of her and move on; the faster you will heal. I feel sorry for that poor 6 year old kid though; hes gonna have a tough childhood.

[Cobra_X30]

Ahhh... the anger! I didnt talk about this earlier because I didnt think it was important. But it may be helpful for you to understand this.

 

See, she her anger is a reaction to pushing boundaries. Your not doing what she wants... she isnt getting her way... so she will throw tantrums and cry and wail until she gets her way. Its a very immature reaction... but if it always works... why change right?

 

She has essentially roped you into a parent child type relationship, where you shoulder responsibility and she acts like a teenager! Sometimes... if she sees you as controlling these other guys will be a form of rebellion!

 

Yeah... she is messed up in the head, but you knew that before right? I mean she has no qualms about letting guys simply view her as a sex object... 99 times in 100 thats a really bad sign!

[norajane]

Are you sure you've finished it? Because you don't sound sure about what you want.

 

And she's mad because she's not getting her own way - the game is up - she thought she was using the other guy, but then found out he was using her. And now you're showing signs of actually having a backbone and dumping her. So yeah, she's mad. She thought she could play the two of you off each other and be well taken care of.

 

I cannot understand why you don't get it through your head that she has not, and will never be faithful to you. Whatever 'connection' you had, was based on a bunch of lies because she was cheating on you when you weren't around. She even cheated on you when you were around, by lying and having you take care of HER SON while she was out with another guy!

 

If you've finished it and she has her stuff out of your apartment, then yes, you've done the right thing. If you're waiting around for her to suddenly change into the woman you wish she was - faithful and honest - then you're still under her spell. I sure wish I had whatever she has since she can wrap guys around her little finger even as she screwing them over and they see her doing it.

 

Get this woman 100% out of your life now. She's used you enough, don't you think?

[norajane]

Could I just ask - Was she still playing me in the last few days to keep me as a backup as opposed to realising she had made a mistake and could lose me.

 

Yes, she was trying to play you.

 

I just need to check I didn't mess it up tonight and there was something worth saving?

 

No, there was nothing worth saving. You messed up nothing - she messed up everything. Actually, she set it up so it was messed up from the beginning - she's been using you for a long time before you got suspicious.

 

She is so believable when she says I saved her, she loves me etc etc.

 

Of course - the best liars are totally believable. They wouldn't be so successsful at using people if they weren't believable.

 

I think she has been keeping me as a backup and couldn't properly end it with this guy, it would always have been one more day, one more day.

 

Yes, you were her back-up sugar daddy - she had you paying for her apartment! But when you were away, she was with this other guy.

 

And no, she doesn't want to end it with other guy - she was getting something from him, too. But her ego is bruised. She hasn't been trying to end anything with him - she's been lying and telling you that, but she's really been trying to get him to focus on her and forget the other women.

[spike7165]

Well she moved out today.

After the anger last night she came back today a lot calmer and was normal. She has decided to go to a friends apartment which is empty.

She now says she wants to test things with this new guy to see if he is any good for her. It's like she has some sickness, she says that I am far better than him and I believe her yet she is somehow addicted to this guy and even though he is being bad for her can't drop him.

So she obviously wants to be free to explore things with him, though she still seem to think she can keep me in reserve as a friend in case things dont work out with him, which I know they won't because he won't be able to give her financially and emotionally what she wants. But as I said it's an addiction for her right now.

So I'm home alone on the sofa trying not to think that I know they are together 2 minutes down the road in bed together and trying not to keep crying....thanks for all your help guys....why is this so painful...

[Cobra_X30]

Ah, if this guy was good for her... she wouldnt want him.

 

It's painful because you feel like you got rejected! Now your all alone. I think this is for the best! I think your going to be fine in the longrun. Be prepared for the possibility that this girl may come crawling back... take this time to harden you heart! Wrap it with steel, bind it in anger!

[spike7165]

So thats what I dont get, she says to me today, I am wonderful, I am way better and do far more for her....

He is already looking for other women, when apart from obviously the situation now she is a woman who wants someone to love just her she is not a tart (normally), she wants someone to look after her but he cannot do it for her and he is immature when previously she has had more mature men.....

What's the draw of this guy, when she knows he is no good but has risked everything n him and continues to do so......what's the attraction?

I really dont get it!

[Cobra_X30]

One he has rejected her, and this causes her to want him twice as much. If you treat a woman like you only want her for sex... there are so many that will go head over heals for you. Why? I'm guessing that its the root need to try and prove themselves to you. The smart, balanced ones will write you off as a loser and move one... but those girls are usually older... and pretty rare to boot!

 

Second, the guy probably represents fun. He has no responsibility, and likes to party. Sharing that kind of lifestyle has a certain attraction to it, despite its rather enormous downside.

 

Lastly, I'd bet money that deep down she feels like she deserves to be treated poorly! Now, she may also feel like she deserves someone who treats her well. Those two ideas while they look at odds will probably mesh well in her head! Because she is thinking that she deserves the poor treatment, because once this guy realizes he loves her he will begin to treat her better!

 

Anyway, this is all just conjecture. But based on what I know of girls like this... they are all very similar!

[spike7165]

You are right about the low self esteem, she is very beautiful and can be, sometimes, a good woman but I know she has low self esteem..I guess that's why she has lost interest in me because I have given her 100% love, attention etc she doesnt feel like she deserves it and is one of the reasons she has rejected me. Half of her does want to be well looked after (me, hence the you are better than him speech) but the other half has low self esteem and thinks she deserves to be treated badly. So you are spot on the money on that one....

Also I think you are right about him rejecting her and wanting him. She said to me today that, when she is angry with him she, he goes and does not call her and that makes her want to call him. When she is angry with me, I want to talk to her, say sorry, check she is ok and she pulls away from me because of that. She actually told me that today......guess I have just been too nice and good to her....

Though I do think she may come crawling back when she realises she has lost a taxi, cook, lover, friend, provider, father for her son etc etc and he can't give her eveything she wants.

[Cobra_X30]

Though I do think she may come crawling back when she realises she has lost a taxi, cook, lover, friend, provider, father for her son etc etc and he can't give her eveything she wants.

 

Yes Spike, That may happen! If it does... and you treat her well... she will do this again. She will not learn. She should be old enough to know... but she doesnt... that tells me she probably never will!

 

So focus on how she did you wrong! Feed that fire in your heart Spike! Let it drive you, motivate you! Use it to shield your heart from her in the future!

[Whyme_wtf]

Look, She clearly has issues. The root you may never know and why should you learn to know it.

She is looking for attention period. She will use people to get it. She has a high level of needs and learned somewhere, somehow, that it is ok to get them filled wherever she can. She is playing everyone including herself. She does not know what she wants and needs from one hour to the next. This is why she will be with one guy one hour, another guy the other hour and knows how to create partitions in her heart and mind for each.

Just know you can never have her fully. You are only getting a portion or partition of her heart. At times it may seem like it is all, but in the background she has these other threads and people in her mind. This is ok to her.

I have been with this kind of woman. I am also a giver like you and want to do all you can for her. You want to fulfill all her needs. She will even to your face tell you that you do and you believe her.

Realize, she is a chronic liar, uses people to meet whatever she wants at that time. Does not value your feelings, nor respects you.

It is easy to want the good feelings and think you can forget the other and obvious things. You can't!

For your own sanity, get off this rollercoaster unless you want it. I have been on a rollercoaster like this for over a year, with this kind of woman.

If you do not have the capability to leave her or stay NC, then know you will be doing this a very long time. It will consume you. Your life has and will continue to evolve. You will more than likely come to loose your job, friends, family.

Take it from someone who has (and is) been there, at the edge many times and stared into a great wide chasm of feelings and hurt.

Ask yourself, is it or has it been worth it?

At the end of your long road of a life, do you want this person next to you?

Think about it my friend.

[norajane]

She now says she wants to test things with this new guy to see if he is any good for her. It's like she has some sickness, she says that I am far better than him and I believe her yet she is somehow addicted to this guy and even though he is being bad for her can't drop him.

 

Do you even see the irony in what you're saying? Aren't YOU just as addicted to her even though you know she's bad for you? Aren't you also affected by some sickness for her? That's why it's so painful - those hormones are addictive and you're in withdrawal.

[norajane]

she wants someone to look after her

 

She shouldn't be looking for a man to take care of her. She should grow up and realize she's a 35 year old single mother, she should be standing on her own two feet, getting a JOB, and taking care of her son instead of being out partying with whatever guy she thinks will be her next sugar daddy.

[Whyme_wtf]

ok. the more i read this the more clear it is to me. you need to make a tough choice. sounds like you are getting your cake here too and cant leave because the cake and filling is sooooo good. if you need that more than self respect and someone that cares about you and you trust will be there, i say let him eat cake. but you will live in pain and mistrust and sorrow until she dumps you for another sugar daddy.

there are plenty of incredible women out there. go find one that will treat you with respect and rock your world too.

man up! and move on!

 

norajane also points out another reason why you need NC to get out of this. And as I said over a week ago, the taste of cake soothes the pain and messes with your clear thoughts on this.

Think with the head above your shoulders my friend!

[spike7165]

Thank you all for your help and comments, they are helping me a lot.....I need this positive reinforcement she is no good and I have done the right thing....

Though saying that I have been thinking about her positives and negatives today.....

Positives (The Cake :-)) - Sexy, Beautiful, Sex was amazing. Sometimes loving, just sometimes.

Negatives - Manipulative, Lying, Deceitful, Angry, Mood Swings, Violent sometimes, self esteem issues, demanding, money grabbing, drinks too much (see violent and angry), doesn't respect anyone including her 6 year old son, selfish, lazy, irresponsible, downright nasty in her words sometimes, ungrateful for everything I did, always demanding more, getting worse and lower self esteem as she gets older...lied so many times, ****ed me and her new guy in the same night (feel sick)....think that will do for now....

So, I am a strong guy and not going to let her put me down, I will survive, she is not worth it......she is sinking lower and lower and I will rise above it. It's painful because I thought she was my soulmate and was my dream woman but she has changed so much even I can see that. This is not a woman to marry and support you when you are sick, lose your job etc. She is only there when she is getting what she wants when she wants it on her terms. No compromise for anyone else........

To be honest the thought of maybe 12 years with her son more (he is getting more and more difficult probably because of his Mum and her attitude) and her now scares the **** out of me.....

I know I am a nice guy, generous, caring, make mistakes sometimes but I try hard and never treat women badly.....I deserve better than this....I know it. I just never had cake so good before, and it is and was addictive. At least I know now I can get a woman of that calibre but a much nicer, saner one!!!

Thanks guys and gals you have no idea how much I appreciate your help....I'm trying to be strong....Thank you so much!

[Whyme_wtf]

.I deserve better than this....I know it. I just never had cake so good before, and it is and was addictive. At least I know now I can get a woman of that calibre but a much nicer, saner one!!!

There is alot to be said about this comment. Ever thought that she might be BiPolar.

Stay Strong...

[spike7165]

Hi

Just wanted to update everybody. Thanks to all.

After being rather stupid and having her back for the last month it has finally finished.

She did finish with him and was living with me again but she could not stop thinking about him and every few days she would talk to him and see him again. Then she would remember why he was bad and stop again, I would find out she would cry and swear she wouldnt do it again.

Then now, she has had the same period of missing the *******, this time though he has obviously told her she has to leave me. So she has gone to a friends apartment. The stupid thing is that even today she has given him another chance he has said loads of stupid things to her on the phone which hurt her and she told me.

I wish I knew what power this guy has over her, she knows he doesn't love her, doesn't care about her and is using her for sex yet she keeps giving him chance after chance after chance to change and of course he is not going to. I know 100% that in 24-48 hours she will be calling me telling me the latest thing he has done to her and I can't cope with it anymore.

Why do women who supposedly want a secure and happy future for themselves and son behave like a stupid schoolgirl chasing after ****ty guys who dont give a **** leaving behind someone who was tried to do everything for them. I guess I'm not attractive anymore because I'm the boring guy who stays at home, loves her, supports her and doesnt mess around.

She couldn't even tell me one thing, not one thing why she was doing it and giving him yet another chance. It's like some sickness, some poison with no logic about it. A schoolgirl with a crush on someone.

Funny thing is i actually feel relief now although I am sad inside. She is so messed up in every possible way and whether I existed or not I can see that she needs to get this guy out of her system. Thats what she couldnt do, even though she was with me, she kept talking to him, giving him the 20th chance then he ****ed it up. Now she thinks if I live on my own then he wont be angry I live with another man and he will change and be good for me which of course he wont because he doesnt love her or care about her.

In her ****ed up world she thinks he will change into another man.

 

Sorry for the rant I just cant quite believe that a single mum of 36 with a 6 year old son who seems to the world to be beautiful, independent etc can make such a stupid decision that I know 100% will end badly for her leaving behind a loving caring man who provided for her and her son and her home and family. She's made a million pound bet on the lame horse who always loses the race for the last 20 times. Betting that the 21st time he will win and of course he won't because the horse is lame and will never change.

 

Can any women help me with the logic in this, or men who have been there. What makes a woman do something like this. She seems to be chasing her "fix" of this guy like a drug then feeling bad afterwards.....