Going from LDR to living together: is it too much to expect?

[SirgeMan]

I started seeing someone just after I accepted a position that required me to relocate. It wasn't my plan, but the relationship seemed to hit all the right notes. Things were really great when we saw each other. I relocated and we continued our relationship, seeing each other about once every 4 weeks, choosing to be exclusive, and eventually professing our love for one another. We speak to each other everyday, and have plans to see each other again over the Thanksgiving weekend. She's a really great person and I love her very much.

 

I guess everyone in an LDR has faced this at one point, but the question comes up to, how long can we live apart and continue the relationship as is. We've stated our wanting to have a life together, but the real question is, how do you just pick up and move to another city for the other person? We've only see each other during extended stays/weekends, so living together might present a different dynamic. Also, moving to another city is exceptionally hard for the person who relocates - particularly when their only connection is the person they moved for. I guess we could explore it on a trial basis, but it makes it hard when work factors in ("um, excuse me, boss, can I take off a month to see if I want to relocate and quit for sure?")

 

Anyway, its a large risk to take. I guess I just wanted to know if anyone here is in the "been there and done that" category - though I imagine most of the people with that experience arent reading or posting here. If someone has, it would be great to hear their experience.

 

-Sirge

[norajane]

Since you were the one that moved away, then if YOU move back, both of you will be in a place where you know people, etc. It's less of a burden to you to go back to where you are from, than for her to move somewhere just for you.

 

How long has this been going on? If you've been at the new job for at least a year, you can probably start sending resumes for a job back home soon.

 

As to how long LDR's can work, it depends on the people and the circumstances. You just never know when someone is going to reach a breaking point. It's best to have a target date - the light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to. If it's open ended with no real target date, then you're more likely to break up if the LDR keeps going on and on.

 

Moving in together is a HUGE no if you only know each other from once a month visits. Stay in separate apartments at first. There's plenty of time to move in together once you have lived and dated in the same city. You can even get 6 month or month to month leases, so really, there's no reason to just dive in right away.

[Zapbasket]

Hi Sirge,

 

I might be able to offer some perspective. For a little background, you might be interested in reading my replys to the thread "LDRs and Your Imaginary Friend" (or a title close to that). Ask me anything you like and feel free to PM me, as well; I'd be really glad to discuss this with you in depth as I'm working to understand how the way my ex and I handled the LD aspect of my relationship contributed to our relationship's demise.

 

In answer to your main question, is it too much to expect to go from LD to living together, imo the answer is yes. Know that despite what happened to my relationship, I still believe LDRs *can* work.

 

After nearly 3 years of LD, the prospect of sharing an apartment together overwhelmed us both. We misunderstood each other, we had ridiculously high expectations, and as a consequence we argued and built walls against each other until the frustration and lost faith in the viability of the relationship shattered our bond. Moving in together is overwhelming as it is, for any couple...but add in the LD dynamic and I think it's just too much adjustment all at once.

 

If I had it to do over again, when my partner moved to the east coast to be with me, I would have suggested that we *not* plan to move in together for several months. This would have given him the space necessary to establish an independent existence in the city, meet people, get used to his environs, etc. Also, we could get into a rhythm of seeing each other on a fairly constant basis: establishing a balance of "my time" versus "we time," adjusting to those little mundane quirks in each other that you only see when you're exposed to someone in person every day, matching up our expectations regarding how our finances are divided up and spent, spending time together with each other's friends, etc. Each of these adjustments takes time and can't be achieved in advance through phone discussions and once-a-month in-person pow-wows. As the adjustments are made, trust in each other and in the relationship strengthens, and then it becomes a very natural, easy, non-harrowing thing to begin discussing moving in together.

 

As for relocating solely for a partner--there is no discussion or preparation that will make that any less harrowing. It's a huge leap of faith and you can't let doubts get the better of you or you'll mistrust your partner too much to sustain the flexibility required to make all those gradual adjustments I enumerated above. Don't make the mistakes my partner and I made:

 

On his end, he didn't discuss his doubts and fears with me beforehand. Rather, he harbored them privately and I believe that whenever something didn't go according to his expectations, rather than talk about it with me, he chalked it up as evidence that his doubts might be well founded. This created distance between us of a much more insidious kind than the physical distance we'd successfully endured. You MUST tell your partner about all your doubts and fears as you prepare to make the move. Tell her about potential problems you see and invite discussion of how you might work together to solve them. She will KNOW what a big deal it is for you to relocate and very likely she will be just as scared as you, as it is scary when you see someone delving into such a great commitment and sacrifice that is all on your account.

 

On my end, I didn't sufficiently anticipate how vulnerable and scared he would be. Partly this was due to his mistake of not sharing how he was feeling before he made the move. But partly it was me letting my own fear get the better of me: sometimes he'd lash out at me right before he moved and I'd get scared that maybe he didn't want to move, and didn't want to be with me. If I'd been, frankly, a little less insecure and self-absorbed, I'd have ignored his acting out, and just taken it upon myself to do everything in my power to make sure he was as comfortable as possible. I'd have babied and pampered him until he got his feet on the ground, and then I'd have backed off and let him get oriented to his new social milieu. In short, I'd have been much, much less anxious and much more patient. You can show your girlfriend this paragraph

 

Yikes this was long, maybe a little more than you wanted! If you have more questions, ask away; I'm most happy to help however I can.