what are we doing? very long, sorry

[veryconfused17]

Hi, I am new here and have visited many boards, and have to say, this is the one that I have joined b/c of the heartfelt responses (and honest ones too)!

I have been divorced since Feb 12, 2003. I was married for 5 1/2 years, together total of 11.

 

My ex and I have never had a "perfect" relationship, but I honestly thought we were ment to be together forever. I thought that through all the bad times and arguments, our love was still there. I thought wrong.

 

Two years ago my ex started his own business on the side. He had moderate success at it and I thought he was finally happy, doing what he had always wanted to do (he use to go from job to job, alway provided and never umemployed). In Sept he quit his day job to do his own business full time. He was away more than ever. I tried to plan vacations, he couldn't go b/c a contract had to be completed (he owns his own welding business).

 

I realized that we (me and our 5 year old boy) were never getting to spend time with him, but I thought once things calmed down, it would be better. It was his dream and I was going to support him in it, make sacrafices. I tried even harder to make us reconnect. I took him to Vegas for his 30 birthday, started being nicer to him (I can be very mean and belittling when we fight) and trying to be a better wife.

 

In late November, I called him one night to find out when he was going to be home and he said he really didn't want to come. He didn't know if he loved me anymore. HOLY CRAP!!!! I said, "fine, you are increadibley selfish, I have tried and sacrificed for us, and this is what I get, goodbye". I was blown over, not the correct thing to say to him, but I was really mad.

 

He came home the next day and said things just weren't right between us anymore. He loved me, but did not think he was inlove with me. I realized at this time that it was a bigger problem than I had thought and began to panic. I said maybe we should take some time and think about things. He agreed.

 

He was staying at his shop for a couple of weeks and we spoke daily and even had sex, I guess I figured he would get over it and come home soon enought.

 

Then...................

 

I had my work Christmas party in early Dec and when to find him b/c I missed him. His truck was at the bar, but he wasn't . I was finally able to get ahold of him on his cell phone and some girl answered! She said that my ex didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. I freaked out and went to that bar. She appoligized saying she thought that we had already seperated and she was just his friend.

 

He came home the next day and he said that he was sorry, but he could not live with me anymore. I was on my hands and knees crying and begging him to stay, but he still left. He said he needed space.

 

We continued to speak on the phone everyday and I tried to set a "date" with him but he kept on saying I was pushing him. I know I was, but I was so scared to let go!

 

I went to work on Monday and checked his cell phone bill and realized that he had been speaking to this girl he met in the bar for over a month! He told her that he was seperated and that he was not living in the house (lie).

 

He said that he did it b/c he knew things were bad between us and he wanted to see how he would react to another women, if he loved me, he would not have feelings for her.

 

Anyways, we started counceling and he promised to give up this "friend". Only to find out through cell phone bills again he hadn't. When I would confront him on it he said that she was the only one he could talk to (he doesn't have any friends or family that count). You see, she has been divorces twice and she listened to him. I know now he was using her, but she ended up falling in love with him. She is TROUBLE!

 

So, we are going to couceling, having beautiful sex, dating and one afternoon I am on my way home and I saw his truck in a local bar parking lot. His friend had told me he went home to go to sleep when I called earlier.

 

I went into the parking lot and her car was there too! He happend to be outside when I got there, he said he was getting his check book b/c she showed up, so he was leaving.

 

We got in a huge fight and I ended up slapping him. I was so mad, hurt and CRAZY! He grabbed my hair, then I kicked him out of the car.

 

The next day I went to see a divorce attorney and it was done. I could no longer trust him, he was suppose to be home and he knew if I ever caught them together that would be it.

 

We are know divorced. But having trouble. He says that he left me b/c he was not happy with me anymore, and the girl in the bar had nothing to do with it.

 

He says he is afraid to loose me, but we cannot be together right know. He has gone on a couple of dates, he says he needs to answer some questions for himself. I have gone out with one person too. I knew when I was on my date, I missed by ex more than anything and went home crying.

 

He has gone out with 2 other women, and does not really enjoy there company. I asked him if was just waiting to find the right one and then say goodbye for good or what. He said no, he is not looking for a relationship, but if something great came along he would go for it and so should I. He does not want me to wait for him. But I cannot help it. I love him more than anything.

 

I don't know if he is going through some crisis from turning 30 or what. He says he is mad at himself for not speaking to me earlier about the bad marriage, and I will admit, I did ignore alot of signs when I look back on it know.

 

I told him if he needs the companionship of another women, he has already answered his questions, but he said that's not true. He is just going with the flow, meanwhile I am drowning! And the women he met in the bar is a complete crazy who will not leave him alone. I have been at his place and she has called and he told her off, ect. She will not go away.

 

He says he is scared to get back together because in the back of his mind, he still has alot of anger towards me. He never wants to go through "this" again. He is scared things will go back to normal. I reasured him they wouldn't b/c we have for the first time really we (I) have learned that love is not a given, just b/c you are married it doesn't mean you don't have to nurish the relationship and that I will work on my temper, and I have and proved it to him.

 

I asked him how he even has time to think about us, he didn't even take a month off and really look at himself and his life.

 

I don't know what to do! Do I hold out for true love, or let go. I am scared to let go b/c I am affraid he will forget me. I can't move on. He always gives me a little encouragemnt. Like know, he just called, he is out with this girl and he called to tell me he wished the weekend was over. She came to town to see him and go to a concert tonight. I told him, I love you and have supported you through your troubled times, for once take into consideration my feelings. If you don't want to go tonight, tell her your son is sick and don't go. He says he feels bad about that b/c she came to town and he knows nothing is going to happen, he doesn't like her more that a friend.

 

Help!

[Just A Girl2]

I'll tell you what really stood out in your post, and got my goat the most:

 

He always gives me a little encouragemnt. Like know, he just called, he is out with this girl and he called to tell me he wished the weekend was over. She came to town to see him and go to a concert tonight

 

Um, sorry, but he's a heartless dog. He's f*cking with your head, also known as, headgames. What kind of guy calls you up, obviously knowing how you feel about him, after all that he's put you through, and has the balls to inform you about his date, that they're going to a concert, bla bla bla. What an assh*le! Sorry girlfriend, but that's not what I call encouragement (the fact that he calls you to tell you he supposedly doesn't want to see her)......that's what i call being brain-f*cked. You deserve better than this.

 

Okay, so you had problems in your marriage, you missed some of the signs of problems, okay. You're human. But he cheated on you, lied to you, handled the breakup of your marriage very cowardly (like telling you on the phone that he wasn't "in love" with you).........and now you're divorced. Let it go. You will never be able to put all this history behind you. You will never be able to trust him again. He doesn't seem like someone who can be depended on, to stick by you through thick and thin. He couldn't then, now you're divorced, it won't happen now.

 

You and your son deserve a good life with a good man.......someone who will make you #1 in his life. This ex hubby of yours sounds like a jerk.

 

You were right in divorcing him after that final straw (the girl at the bar)....don't second guess yourself.

 

And from this point on, the only communication you 2 should be having, is that involving your son..........you don't need to listen to his crap about his dates and the girls he's seeing. Who the f*ck does he think he is, telling you these things? Surely he must know it hurts you. He hurt you while you were married, don't let him have the power to hurt you more now that you're divorced.

[veryconfused17]

You know, I know he is being a crap head. I don't know why, but I keep on thinking know that we both know what we did in the relationship, wouldn't it be easy to fix?

 

Just to clarify, he never did sleep with the one girl. I have even confronted her on it, she said she tried, he wouldn't have that kind of relationship with her.

 

Everyone tells me he won't know what he is missing until I am gone. The thing is, I don't know why, but in my heart I still feel their is a chance to get our family back. He really hasn't been such a crap head until October.

 

They say if you love someone set them free, if is it meant to be they will come back. - They also say fight for your man.

 

What the hell!!!!!!!!!

[circle]

Hi Confused,

 

 

 

From what little I know, it could be possible that your (ex) is either whittingly or unwhittingly keeping his options open. It could be that he does not like being on his own, and needs your support. If this is the case, it is of course your decision if you offer that support, but I can tell you now, that if he does find someone special enough, you may suddenly feel isolated, used and more confused when the phone stops ringing.

 

This could also of course happen the other way - if you move on, it may leave him in a panic about loosing you as an option.

 

You are probably the best to judge, but it may be that the time is better spent preparing yourself for a life change.

 

I guess you have to be very honest with yourself. Advise yourself as a third party almost. Do you really want to be back in this relationship, will it feel better at first, but never quite re-seal itself? Are you simply afraid you will not find anything better?

 

Sometimes its just very difficult to do the thing that is ultimately going to lead to the most happiness, but its usually worth doing.

 

It is very easy to give that advice, but I am not sure I am following for my own situation, which is perhaps even more confusing than your own.

 

PS, I have no doubt you both care for each other, but is that enough for you?

[EnigmaXOXO]

Veryconfused,

 

While reading the first seven paragraphs of your post, I immediately suspected that there might be *someone else* in the picture. The sudden and abrupt behavior your husband displayed is not common unless there is an ulterior motive.

 

As I read on, my worst fears for you were realized.

 

I am so glad you found the inner strength to proceed with the divorce. And I can't help but wonder how you are managing to hold yourself (and you son) together both financially and emotionally. You are a strong lady and it seems you were and ARE the pillar of strength in your household, which explains why your ex-husband is having a difficult time letting go of the only support system he knows. And while he stretches his wings (those you gave him) to see what life has to offer, he is and HAS BEEN gradually weaning himself from his dependence on you.

 

It’s time to cut the umbilical cord and send him off into the fantasy world he believes waits for him out there. You already have one baby to raise, don’t burden yourself with the other. While you will have to have some contact with him because of the child, you can remain firm and polite while distancing yourself from him emotionally. Do not allow him to engage you in conversations about the woman he is seeing or the men you choose to date. Avoid any conversations that do not directly relate to the well being of your son. Try to focus your emotional energy on getting you and you son through this very difficult transition. Remember---there is another fragile human being who is a part of this relationship.

 

Your ex-husband has chosen to be an outsider, and thus he should be treated like one. Your son, on the other hand, had no choice in this matter...