Cold feet, or genuine soul searching?

[ladyinwaiting]

Okay, I'm confused.

 

I'm about to be married. One week to go, actually.

 

Now, I love the FH very much. I look at him and feel deep tenderness and affection. He's funny, deeply intelligent, shares many of my interests, is passionate about justice and politics, and knows everything there is to know about everything.

 

But I'm also feeling increasingly frustrated.

 

I've always earned more than FH. I have a good job; he had a community focused job. I was okay with that, because he was doing good. However, he has now "hurt his back" and is barely working at all. He's not really participating in rehabilitation. He's talking about going back to college, but so far has done nothing to enrol. Instead, he's a megastar in an online game and writes a popular blog.

 

This has caused me for the first time to reappraise the situation. The house we live in is mine, and I pay all the mortgage. I pay all the bills. I bought all the furniture. I even bought the computer I don't get to use much.

 

Again, none of this would necessarily be a problem. After all, this is not atypical of male-female relationships - except that it's a gender role reversal. I can deal with that.

 

However, I also do all the housework. To some extent, that's because of the FH's bad back. He can't stand for long periods, so washing, cleaning, ironing etc are out. But he doesn't even do things like pay the bills online during the day (even using my card!). This is getting very frustrating. NOT enough to make me not love him. I still find him funny, sweet, great company etc. But definitely enough that I am getting annoyed.

 

I'm trying very hard not to show this. I'm still being as nice as I can do him. I rarely ask him to do anything, I never say no to his friends coming around to watch telly, I cook him his favourite meals, I do what I can to keep him happy. I have no doubt he appreciates it - he tells me has does very sincerely. But inside, I am often seething.

 

Then there's another issue: children. Now, for most of my life I've been ambivilant to not interested in children, so when FH said early in our relationship that he did not want kids, I was okay with that. I can not promise him I would never want children - but that is only because people keep telling me that hormones will change my mind eventually. I don't imagine that will be the case, as I'm now 35 and can not imagine ever wanting to be stuck at home with a child. But am I arrogant to assume that I'm above it? I hope I am, but who knows? In any case, I do a lot of charity work, including work with kids, and that serves my nuturing needs. Plus, I can't reconcile children and my job. To try to do so would be unfair to both.

 

However, as time has gone on, I've began to see FH's desire not to have children as part of his inherent character flaws - that of laziness and selfishness. I watch my friends husbands with their kids - the way they adore them, play with them, are determined to get ahead at work and provide for them. The FH has none of those personality traits. Not only does he not want that kind of responsibility, but he has taken to making derogatory comments about men who do - "faux-males", "weirdos", "embarrassing" etc. All kinds of comments that liken those men to women, and are therefore somewhat misogynistic as well as insulting to the men.

 

This does not make we want children. But it makes me realise that if i ever did, or if I ever fell pregnant accidentially, I would be on my own. Moreover, it makes me wonder what he really thinks of women. Why would he make such comment? How could he possibly think it's okay to do it around me? Doesn't he realise he's living in my house, off my money?! But talking to him about it makes him grumpy, or sulky, or - worst of all - depressed.

 

I can't work out whether FH has always been like this, or whether I'm just picking up on it now. Am I looking for an excuse to get out of the marriage? I don't know. I do know I'm not backing out now. Maybe were FH not injured, I would be consider it. But I'm not leaving him like this... Which makes me wonder why I'm writing this. Maybe I justed needed to vent.

 

I dunno, does this just sound like cold feet? Or am I making a big mistake?

[norajane]

Imagine if his back never gets better and he never gets off the computer to actually get a job or go back to school. Imagine you are the one who forever and ever and ever has to be the only one responsible for everything in the household, and for the finances. Imagine that you DO have an unplanned pregnancy and decide to keep the child. Imagine you are injured or come down with cancer or get fired. Imagine how he will cope with that. Imagine for better or for WORSE. Is this the man you want to be with?

[va bene]

Your fiance's comments on other men as "faux-males" were pretty uncalled for, coming from someone who doesn't work nor is physically able (two principle traits of male masculinity that have stood the test of time).

[spookie]

Wow. Sounds to me like you're about to make a very huge mistake. Your relationship doesn't sound like a partnership at all, and I can't help but feel you are getting completely ripped off. Basically, he is leeching off you, and all he provides in return is the grace of his company. You get to pull all the weight financially, domestically, mentally, while he gets the leisure of pursuing his interests (charity, video games, etc). Sounds like a sweet set-up for him, but in my opinion no man's company is worth pulling ALL the weight for.

[stillafool]

Wow, I hate to tell you NOT TO DO IT!!!!!!! But those are the first words that were screaming through my head as I read your post. My friend is married to a h like your fiance and she is miserable. They do not have children and it's a good thing as he is the child in the marriage. He has no ambition and won't help out around the house. At first she was like you and felt she could deal with it but now married for 15 years he has not changed one bit. Now my friend is having health problems and can't earn what she did before nor has the health coverage. He is still too lazy to get a job with good health coverage and do what he has to do to support her.

 

I feel it is also unhealthy for you to hold in your anger. There was a story about this very topic on yesterday's "Today" show. It can cause severe health problems for women, more so than men. I think you should talk to him about your fears before you marry him. There are some real problems here that need to be addressed.

 

It's never too late to cancel the wedding if it's not right for you. I understand your not wanting to leave him when he's down but he isn't trying to help himself. You don't have to leave him, just don't marry him.

If you don't marry him you can set a time limit on when he should start getting his sh-t together.

 

I hope you don't make a mistake.