Feeling unattractive

[pinkroses]

I'm 38, and have been divorced and had just a couple of other serious relationships. The last one I ended a few months ago. I'm not sure if it's because I'm getting older or what, but I just don't feel attractive to the opposite sex anymore. I look really young and there is nothing noticeably unappealing about me, but I guess I've been feeling like I've exhausted my hopes and dreams by now. And then lately I keep remembering all the dumb or embarrassing things I've ever said or done or had happen to me in the past. I can't seem to banish these things from my mind and it really eats away at my confidence. I feel like if anyone knew these things they'd never want me.

 

It's not social stuff like getting drunk and doing embarrassing things...nothing like that. It's just things that happened in the family and things I went through in school being a wallflower and a late bloomer and shy, etc. And then the few years after my divorce I kind of went out of character showing my interest for a couple of people. When I think back, I wonder why I acted like I did, and I feel so embarrassed and stupid. I hope those people have totally forgotten about me by now.

 

I feel good about myself as far as how I've handled my life in general, responsibility, my money, doing everything on my own, etc. I'm courageous and have done well with adversity. But I've also done a lot of dorky things too, and these things are all I can remember lately. Maybe it's because there are no prospective men in my life right now, I don't know...but I feel like a social klutz, frumpy and no longer head-turning.

 

I know I'm the only one who can change the image I project and the feelings of self-worth, I just thought I'd share, to see if anyone else could relate. And to find out if this might pass. No matter what I do I just don't have "it", whatever that is, turned on like I once did.

[Tony T]

There are probably only a handful of people over the age of 21 who can't relate to what you're going through...and, yes, it does pass. However, you can help a lot by picking up your spirits, forgiving and forgeting everything in your past (it's totally over), and moving ahead with a smile and a renewed interest in life.

[moimeme]

Pink -

 

NEVER give up. I know a man who found the love of his life when he was in his mid-fifties. They had thirty years together. Sometimes it takes a while to find Mr. Wonderful. Sometimes it takes half a lifetime - but just because your time is not now, don't think that you have lost 'it'. Remember, as the saying goes "The universe is unfolding as it should."

[velos142]

Pink -

 

I saw your post & it really reached me. I know exactly how you feel. I am 39 & just begining to cope with the dissolution of a long term relationship (5 years). I know how easy it is to kick oneself over the past, feel unattractive, & hopeless with regard to future possibilities. I want you to know you are not alone & share some of my attempts to cope with you.

 

It is hard for me many days to simply get out of bed & face the day, let alone face it with a smile; but I do it because life - even in those times when confidence fails - is much too rich & beautiful to not participate in. So every day I try as best as I am able to find one thing - one little thing - that touches me & makes me feel special (yesterday it was a server at a coffee shop who turning her head quickly & recognizing me as a "regular" gave me a shy little wave).

 

I take comfort in my family & friends, my co-workers & even strangers, trying to show a kind smile to all even though I feel like crying, completely out of control & totally hopeless. It is difficult to remember that we are not alone in our journey, that others are there for us & care for us & importantly that the next person we smile at or meet on the street could be the one we have been looking for.

 

Frightening as it is, I try to take a few risks or act out of character now & then because doing so often opens doors to new experiences that would have remained closed but for the chance I took.

 

Like you, I often think "if anyone knew these things they would never want me." I have a laundry list of poor decisions, embarrassing moments & suffer from an profound shyness. But I try to remind myself that all of my experiences & all the things I have done (even the mind-bogglingly stupid things) have made me a the person I am.

 

Yes that person that is me has flaws & problems & makes mistakes but that does not mean that I am incapable of being cared for by another or caring for another, it means only that whoever that other is gets me (as Madeline Hunter says) "Warts & all" & if you think about it someone who claims to care for another but is not willing to take them "warts & all" is probably not someone you would want in your life.

 

I agree with Tony & Moimeme, never give up! This will pass. You are not alone.

 

velos142

[moimeme]

You could always make a 'laundry list' of your successes, great moments, good things you've done for people, etc.!

[velos142]

Yes, that is a good thought.

 

But at this point I do not think I could manage to place anything on that list. I know I am just feeling sorry for myself, judging myself on the basis of the mistakes & failures in my recently ended relationship.

 

But, like Pink says: "I feel that I ahve exhuasted my hopes & dreams..."

[HokeyReligions]

Well, I'm a bit older than you. I've been married a long time and am very happy.

 

What do we have in common then, and how can I relate, you might ask.

 

Everything you described, I've felt too. I would make an effort to NOT think about the dumb decisions I made. When a memory of childish, immature behavior that I once exhibited pops into my head, I tell myself to NOT think about it -- but that doesn't always work. Sometimes our minds just stay focused on negative things, much to our dismay.

 

There were and are times when I find myself reflecting on those parts of my life that I wish I could take back, and thinking that I'm too old to do them over, because even the right decision back then - would be the wrong decision for my current age, and that makes me feel really old sometimes.

 

I've even thought about cutting off all ties with some people who witnessed what I think of as my humiliation. Funny thing is, I'm more humiliated about those things now, then I was then. The thing I have to remember is, IF my friends or family happen to think back on those same moments in time that I am so embarassed about, they are remembering what I was like then, and what they were like then and they are NOT imagining the me today acting like that, or making those decisions.

 

Even thought I'm married, I've gone through the "what if he dies - no one will want me!" "If anyone knew I'd never even have a friend, much less a boy friend" emotions.

 

I'd say almost everyone goes through this as they get older. We all reflect and even though we have positives in our past, it's a natural humain trait to think about the negatives.

 

Knowing that pretty much everyone else around your own age is thinking and feeling these things too, helps you to keep your life in balance. Think back on some of the bone-head things your friends and family have done. Do you think or feel any less for them because of those things? Some of them might even make you love them all the more. But I'll bet they are just as embarassed about them as you are of your history.

[EnigmaXOXO]

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I don't think that anyone has gone through life without an embarrassing moment or two. My God, when I think about some of the "numpty" things I've done and the ridiculous situations I've been in...I still blush!!

 

While some introspection is healthy at times, and very common when we find ourselves alone and suddenly in a different place in our life, it can be detrimental to our self-image if we reflect back on only those negative aspects of our life. We must look back at our past indiscretions with a sense of humor, understanding that somewhere along the line we have learned important lessons from them. Lessons that helped shape the kind of person we are today. While it is important to remember our past, we must stay grounded in the present with our eyes focused on the future. That may have been the person you were, but it is not the person you are now.

 

Once you have finally made peace with yourself, your outward confidence will shine forth and attract others to you. What people often don't realize is that we reveal volumes with what we don't say and our actions often speak louder than words. If you are feeling "unattractive," then you can bet you are projecting that same message to others whether you are aware of it or not.

 

Chin up! You are never too "old" for new love. Divorced after 15 years of marriage, and getting ready to hit FORTY...Oh Lordy...I have finally met my own soul mate. If I had shut myself off to the possibilities, and thought myself unworthy, I would have never given myself the chance...

 

~BeenThere~