out of the blue, ex wants to meet up...

[heartoutside]

Well those of you who don't know my story, we broke up alomst 4 months ago, did LC, then I went NC for 2 weeks about a month and a half ago and she started sending me very random text messages. Finally, 2 weeks ago I called her up to tell her and poured my heart out and I found out she thought I had moved on. 3 days later she sends me an email saying she's confused, thought our realtionship was amazing, just missing somethings (news to me). I wrote back, told her when ever she wanted to talk we can talk basically. The next day she asked if we could talk and we made plans to have dinner that monday. She canceled saying she had too much homework and hasn't mentioned anything about it since.

 

Then this past week she puts a message on myspace page saying she likes the song (which I've always considered our song from our movie and I think she knows that). I reply a few days later just sayinf it's always had meaning to me, she then replies that she wasn't implying anything by what she wrote and then sends me a text 5 mins later saying hi. About 4 hours later I write back, hey.

 

Then yesterday afternoon, I get a text from her asking how am I doing? I don't reply. Then about 3 hours later I get another text from her saying I know you are busy and I wanted to see what you were doing thursday. I'm gonna be in the neighborhood at 2pm.

 

I still haven't replied to that. I'm not sure how to, or what to expect?! I'm more worried that she is doing this just to tell me that its' over and to move on, or something. But I would think if she were going to say that she would do it over an email. She had a hard enough time asking for a break, I doubt she could do that again.

 

Any ideas as to what to expect or how to act, any opinions etc etc.....

[Spinderella]

The only concern is that she knew you wanted to meet up to have a serious talk about the relationship. Now she is giving out confused signals about things on my space. Then she says she will be in the neighbourhood, very casually. So my feelings are, that she enjoys hearing that you still love her and everything, but she is being very non-commital, and not giving herself any responsibility. That is, that perhaps she wants to hear those things, and get those benefits, without having the relationship.

I think you need to make it clear that she needs to be clear. Either that or just forget her and move on.

Perhaps ask her outright "Are you saying you want to meet up for the chat we were going to have?" or something. If its a no, or a vague maybe, then say, "sorry I'm busy".

[niceguy27]

I agree with that idea. No sense in giving in to her at this point unless she wants to talk about it. If you want to meet, make it for only a little while. Coffee or lunch or something. Tell her you can maybe squeeze her in for a little bit. She may be putting her feelers out and testing the waters.

[Carl321]

Dude, dude, dude....I have been following your story but this is my first post about it. FORGET ABOUT HER! She is gone. She is not coming back. You cannot see this right now, I know, but you need someone to grab you by the shoulders and shake the hell out of you. Women who act like this ALMOST NEVER come back, and you grovelling and overanalyzing every little ridiculous action and communication by her will only hurt your chances and your ability to move on. Have you considered seeing a therapist? You are obsessing about this woman and it might help to discuss your feelings with a professional.

[storm]

Come on!!! We need an update.

[heartoutside]

This might be kind of long......

 

Well we had lunch today, kind of. She never replied to my text when I replied to her text telling her getting together was cool. Then 2 nights ago, she replied, and we texted back and forth and then I called her. We talked a little and then I asked her what she wanted to do, she suggested coffee, I suggested we go to a hookah bar and do something different, and asked her if she still smoked, and got a laugh out of her. She sounded excited to do it, and didn't have any doubts.

 

This morning i get a text from her asking if we're still on kind of, and I tell her yeah, noon i'll meet her at the train and that the trains run slow on that line. So she says she leave right away and she ends up getting there early and sends me a text saying, "I'm here:)"

 

We sit down and she's excited and we are both talking and I'm making her laugh and we're having a good time for the first hour or so. We talk about what we've been up too, she says she has no life, just school and work. I tell her about my adventures and all my trips and we joke around more. I make her laugh more.

 

We then hit a silence in the conversation, and she finally asks, "so do you want to talk?!" And I ask her, do you? I basically just tell her that nothing has changed for me, that I still feel the same. I know I over did it while talking to her (And I should have let the silence work in my favor) and I tried stopping myself, but she just won't respond. She finally said some stuff like I used just have blinders for you, but then I started looking at other guys and I didn't think that was fair to you (what guy or girl doesn't look at the opposite sex?) I told her that maybe she should talk to someone, other then our friends and I told her that I did and it helped a lot. That I would be willing to go with her. And she said, "they'll probably just tell me I have a fear of commitment or something." Basically, I just got more confusing answers. One second she would say, I don't know if we could get back together because we already have that "history." And then she would say, I don't know what I want.....

 

I told her what I wanted. Which probably wasn't the best idea......but I'm not going to play these damn games. I told her that i would like to take big step back and start all over. Hang out again, just like today. (i probably shouldn't have said any of this, and I know, so please don't tell me that!)

 

I then paid the bill, and we walked out. I stopped on the sidewalk, and I looked her in the eyes and I told her one last time that I loved her, but if it's over I have to walk away and that she had to tell me.

 

We then get in the car and it's silent. I promised to drive her to her hair appointment which is a block from my house. We get to a stop light and i turn to her and she's looks at me, and she wants to say something but won't. So i ask her, what are you thinking, and she says, nothing. And I say, "You need to tell me, we need to communicate." And she says, I don't want to cry, and I said, "you have to stop being afraid."

 

We get to the salon and I stop the car, and she says, so can we talk again. I tell, yeah call me later.

 

The good thing about this is she's going out after her hair appointment with her best friend of all time and the first thing my ex told me at lunch was her best friend says hi and misses me and loves me (As a friend of course). And that she wants to take my ex to get food at this joint that she loves and then the friend said, "the last time we went there we went with heartoutside." So it sounds like her friend is pulling for me and trying to help my ex see the light, if that means anything.

 

I told my ex that maybe she should talk to her friend, but she replied by saying it's kind of hard because everyone is bais. I asked how is that, and she said because all our friends love you! Even her long time friends....

 

 

Another thing that gets me is she was wearing a necklace I bought her a few years back. I know I shouldn't read into, but she loved that necklace and I haven't seen her wear it in some time. She didn't even wear it to our birthday party...

 

So I'm done. I feel it's over, but she still hasn't said it. She has continued with the confusing answers. Although this time she only said she was confused once.

 

At one point I did ask her why she wanted to meet up today and she replied to get closure. That we just broke up, slept in different rooms and then I just left the house. Which isn't totally true. We "talked" in person a few times afterwards, twice the week after we broke up to be exact and she gave me more confused answers both times. I then asked her, "You waited 4 months to get closure?" And she replied that she didn't want to see me. Which makes no sense. She was fine with texting the hell out of me, but didn't want to see me.

 

I basically see it as being over. I don't know if we'll hang out again, I don't know if she'll call, I don't know what is going on.

 

 

I see it as I accomplished 3 things. One: I made it clear in person how I feel. She could see it in my eyes, I never broke eye contact when ever I said anything. 2: Made it clear that she and I need to communicate and that I didn't do the best job of that when we were dating. That I bottled a lot up, and swept in under the rug which caused me to pull away at times. 3: Got almost now where and didn't get a true sense of closure.

 

I mean, I would expect if you ask someone point blank, "is it over, this is the end?" or "I need to walk away if you don't want to try over." They could reply with, I think so, or yes, it's over or something. Not with more dead end answers or questions.

 

I already know what everyone's answer on here will be. She won't ever say, it's over because then that means she won't have me as a friend or at all. She still wants to hold on. But why is it that some people on here seem to get that answer, and I can't seem to get one!?

[storm]

You just need to make up your own mind and stop all this nonsense. You have your answer. She is confused and doesn't want to get back together. You have told her twice now in about 1-2 weeks how you feel. Stop it!!!!! Even if you meet up with her again in a week she will still be confused, no matter what you say to her, trust me. The only reason she is confused is because you need to make up her mind for her and disappear. I'M SICK OF REPEATING THIS! She will want you more when she thinks you don't care anymore. Time for absolute no contact. Make a plan and stick to it. Don't be the friend or else she will never have romantic feelings for you again.

 

The reason no contact is the best for you is because you definitely need to heal. And she needs time on her own to figure out her confusion. In the meantime look to the future and see if she can stop you from moving on. But don't tell her why you won't answer her texts/calls anymore.

[heartoutside]

I told her that we can't be friends, and she understood that. She even said if we hang out, you'll have the intent of wanting to get back together, so she's aware of that.

 

To be honest, I"m not heart broken this time around. I'm no where near what I was when this all first happened. I'm sad if you want to call it that, sure, but I know I've done what I can and tried my all for sure. The ball is 100% in her court. I also know that she isn't the only one out there. I may not find that someone for a while, but for some reason today's talk gave me a new found confidence. I'm not sure why? Maybe it's what she said about everyone loving me, so it's hard for her to talk to anyone without getting a bias opinion. Even her childhood friends that I've only know for 4 years, and she's knows for 15 love me. It's kind of an ego boost I guess. She also thinks she got the short end of the stick with our mutual friends, that everyone wants to hang out with me and she is left out of all the fun.

 

But, its' strange I guess I can see myself walking away from her finally. But at the same time, I can't.....

 

would ignoring her calls be a bad idea without telling her that I think it's best that she and I not talk until she is no longer confused and I can heal? I mean I don't think I have much healing left to do. I'm actually kind of excited about one of these days working up the ballz to ask a girl out at a bar. But at the same time, she was the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.....

[NightsInWhiteSatin]

Meet up for a talk thats fine

 

But what i'll ask you to keep in your mind when you see her is that no matter how much you love her and want to be with her....she is confused about what she wants....hot on your tail one minute distant the next. This will hurt you and confuse you and break your trust in her. I do suggest you talk...but once you've talked....give her looooooooooads of space to make up her mind for definate because if you're still around her when she's confused it's just going to mess you up big time. Tread carefully hunni, best of luck

[heartoutside]

She and I have already had 4 "talks." 2 the week after we broke up when emotions and hurt were still new, so nothing made sense then. Then we had our talk on the phone 2 weeks ago or so, and then today. All got me no where, so I'm done. There won't be another talk, we've done that.....I've done that. I don't think I can be set back right now. The only way I see that happening is if one day she says lets give it a try and then the next changes her mind....that kind of thing.

 

Talking to her no longer messes with my head or brings me down. But NC is what i'm going to do....

[NorCalDave]

She and I have already had 4 "talks." 2 the week after we broke up when emotions and hurt were still new, so nothing made sense then. Then we had our talk on the phone 2 weeks ago or so, and then today. All got me no where, so I'm done. There won't be another talk, we've done that.....I've done that. I don't think I can be set back right now. The only way I see that happening is if one day she says lets give it a try and then the next changes her mind....that kind of thing.

 

Talking to her no longer messes with my head or brings me down. But NC is what i'm going to do....

 

 

My ex and I have had a million of these closure talks too...and she acted the same way...hot and cold, confused.

THESE PEOPLE ARE RIGHT! TRUST ME!

YOU NEED TO WALK AWAY.

You will miss her, you will think about her, you will pine to talk to her.

This is a test of your strength.

If you still love her, and you respect yourself, you will let her sort out her own confusion and you will LET HER BE.

There is no other way to go.

Don't be her "friend" who wants more, don't be in limited contact with her, don't tell her anymore how you feel.

Just let it be and it will all work out the way it's supposed to, I promise.

That's what I'm doing.

You have no idea how bad I want to pick up my phone and call my ex, but what would that accomplish?

All it would do is show her that I am still on her string and totally available.

I've found that women are more attracted to men who know what they want, who don't settle for hot/cold treatment, and who know when to walk away.

Good luck, you can do it.

[storm]

Heartoutside. You might feel like you are strong and that you feel great right now but remember. It has only been a few hours now since you saw her(got your drug fix). You keep having little ups and downs each day as she texts you. I'll warn you though. The 3rd and 4th week of true no contact is rather rough. But be prepared for this journey. You say you don't have much healing left to do, you will be surprised when you hit 30 days of not talking to her. Deep down inside you know you want her back but no contact is your last ditch effort. People will argue that no contact shouldn't be used to lure someone back but I think in your situation it is the only option, especially with some confused girl sitting on the fence like this. Everytime you meet up with her your neediness demon comes out and pushes her, yes you have admitted. That monster will not be put to rest until you spend a month or two without talking to her. Yes it may sound like some kind of game and many may argue with me. Love is almost always a game after a break up like yours, only when you are together it really isn't that much of a game anymore.

 

YOU MUST NOT TELL HER THAT YOU WON'T TALK TO HER ANYMORE OR FOR A WHILE. It won't have an effect if you tell her what you are going to do. There would be no mystery to it so her mind will never stir. You don't ever come out and reveal your game plan.

 

Your game plan is to find yourself. Go back to life before you met her. Be happy. Do Not answer any text messages, calls, high fives, emails etc. If she really cares about you then she knows where to find you. You don't want someone back unless their love is strong enough to make them climb mountains.

 

If you keep meeting up with her like this and answering texts then I can assure you that you will never have her back. You may never have her back but at least escape this insanity.

 

YES. JUST ANSWERING A SIMPLE TEXT, EVEN A DAY LATE IS CONSIDERED BEING HER FRIEND. DO NOT DO IT ANYMORE. YOU KEEP LETTING US DOWN. STOP IT!

 

And you are worried that not replying will make her mad and she won't talk to you anymore. Wrong, this girl needs a wake up call. She wants to chase something.

[heartoutside]

So the day after our "talk" i log onto myspace and see that I have a new photo comment, i check it out, and it's from my ex. She left a comment about one of my photos I posted on my page from a recent trip I went on. I of course DON"T reply to that in any fashion.

 

Then yesterday I get a text in the afternoon thinking it's my buddie because I asked him earlier about watching the baseball game. But nope, it was my ex. Telling me from work that she was thinking about going to our friends little gathering tonight. I DON"T REPLY to this text. Then around 9pm or so I get another text, again I think it's my buddie about the ball game. Nope, it was my ex, asking me if I was watching the ball game. I DON"T REPLY..

 

This morning I get up and go to the gym, i get back and shower and while in the shower I guess I get a text. I'm not that pressed to check my phone every 2 secs so sometime passes before I see that I got a text. Again I think it's my buddie or his girlfriend texting me about not getting back to me or something. NOPE, it's my ex.

 

"Morning Heart! Why didn't you text me back? Is it ok if I meet up with you guys at (or friends house)? I won't go if it's a prob."

 

The text was sent like 30 mins earlier and I didn't even notice that I got one, so while I'm sitting there thinking if I should reply, I get another text.

 

"OK"

 

I REPLY.....I write back that I didn't think she was asking me and I didn't think it would be a problem.

 

NC is hard.....

 

And to be honest. I haven't had a hard time these past few days. I thought that maybe storm you were right that I would come down from that high of seeing her. But to be honest, I did maybe come down a little but not far.....I don't think I really got "HIGH" to begin with.....

 

We'll see......as you can see it's kind of hard to avoid my ex because our circle of friends is so similar, and we work at the same place....

[storm]

Your hopes are still up and her so called interest(bait texts) also feeds your high. Every text you get is a little fix. But is it really interest she is showing?? Time for you to take a stand. This girl is 100% trying to make sure you are still on the damn leash. Can't you see it?? You really need to act like you don't care. It is that plain and simple.

 

What are you going to do when she finds a new guy to text? What are you going to do when these texts stop?? And my friend, that will be rock bottom. You need to ignore these texts and experience rock bottom at your own choosing. It is called zero contact. You need to heal from this madness she is putting your through.

 

No contact is hell. I've been there and it is still tearing me up to this day. I'm 30 something days into my no contact of my own and it really does suck. I tried and tried just like you to win my (4 year) ex back. Met up with her and had all those needy conversations like yours. It got me no where. I'm trying to get on with my life now. And it is extremely rough. My ex, just like yours needs space and to experience life without me.

[heartoutside]

There kind of is another guy. Although she doesn't consider herself dating him or involved with him or anyone else for that matter. He's just a guy filling that void and for some reason she still will text me, and contact me through myspace and facebook. My hopes to be honest aren't up. I don't see us getting back together. I'm starting to see that there are women out there that aren't NUTS and who would work and talk things out instead of walking away. I would be happy the day she stops texting me so at least I know it's done with.

 

But at the same time, she is my best friend and always has been. That's the hard part....

[storm]

She was your best friend. She chose to leave you. Friends don't leave friends.

 

Yes her latest guy is temporary. But she is still looking because she has not come back to you. She won't come back until either you meet someone else or you act like you don't care anymore.

[hopeforlove243]

Don't consider her as your best friend. She is not. She just want to have you as her backup. Maybe after you recover from this, you can be friends, but not now. You need to do NC for yourself so that you can move on.

[storm]

ok what the hell is going on now? I'm guessing that you are sticking to no contact and yes it does hurt. Update?

[KenzieAbsolutely]

i think it's sounds like a case of "i don't want to be with you romantically, but i still like to be around you sometimes because it isn't easy to let go of someone who was a big part of my life at one time."

 

i think it will fade away, and the contact will be less and less til it is non-existent. just my opinion, though.

[heartoutside]

Storm, I'm wondering why you haven't posted in any other thread since joining a month ago? Every single post you've made has been in my thread, 16, any reason why? And your so eager to know what is going on....

 

As for me, I know what I'm doing......thanks

 

I would think it would have faded away by now, it's been 4 months...and hasn't lost a beat.

[storm]

Probably because I am your ex girlfriend you fool!

 

Just kidding. But maybe you don't understand. Your story is sometimes like a soap opera and maybe we just enjoy seeing what happens next. I've been dumped recently and you know how much free time you end up having. So each day I have extra time to come and check your story. I am not an expert but I can tell you what usually works with girls. The problem is, I never follow my own advice.

 

I don't think you ever took a minute to go back a few pages and see the link to my story. You know the routine, I made a journey through the search engines with key words and kept coming across your story. It was very similar to mine. Except I made the same mistakes you have and now i'm about 36 days into no contact. Yes the texts faded away to nothing because I didn't take the proper action. I was in your very position about 36 days ago. My ex was on the fence also. She fell to the other side, the side where they enjoy being single. Just trying to help someone win for once and not make the common mistakes that i've made. I had the needy conversation with her and pushed her away for good. If you don't want any advice then just let us know. In the end you are going to do what you want.

[heartoutside]

Storm, I can't seem to find the link to your story....

also, what is the proper action to take or what are the mistakes you made?

[heartoutside]

Well, I guess I'll give you a quick update. We went to our company party on sunday. Before hand we went to a friends house to drink and my ex came. I really didn't talk to her directly, maybe here and there, but for the most part I joked around with our friends and my "date" who was actually a good friend of both me and my ex.

 

After an hour of drinking we head for the train to go to the dinner, I take the lead and walk everyone to the train because no one really knows where they are going. We walk past my ex's old place and she makes a comment to me about the place and our past. I ignore it and just point out that they are building an ugly ass condo next door.

 

We get to the train station and wait for the train. My ex smokes about 3 cigs while we are waiting. She doesn't really smoke and knows I hate it when she does, but I don't say a thing and ignore it.

 

The train shows up and I start walking down the platform twd the front of the train, and I get on and notice that my ex, and 2 of our friends follow. I sit down and my ex at first is kind of hesitant to sit down next to me but does. Our friends sit in front of us and we are all talking, everyone else is in the train car behind us. At one point my ex punches me in the leg and asks how I'm doing, and I tell her I'm tired...but good. I then suggest that we go to the other car so we can all hang out as a group, to which my ex replies, you don't want to sit next to me? I say no, i just think it would be more fun to be with the rest of the group. So get up and go through the emergency exit doors that connect the train cars, and my ex follows. The other 2 girls wait for the next stop and go through the real doors and get on the train again.

 

AT this point I'm standing with my "date" and our friend both sitting in front of me. At one point I make a joke, but no one really laughs, so at the next stop I get off the train...and just as the train is about to leave, i get back on, and everyone starts to laugh and my 2 girl friends point out that I have really cute dimples....and keep pointing at them and making me laugh.

 

Then I get a text, "all the girls are paying attention to you." She's sitting no more then 5 ft away and she sends me that text. I back away and then decide that I should go talk to my only guy friend on the train. He and I then decide to go back through the emergency exit to the other train.

 

We do and no sooner am I sitting down do I get another text. "Where did you go?"

 

I reply back, and make a joke that is in reference to a joke I made earlier in the night. We text a few times back and forth and then get off the train.

 

On the walk to the dinner, my ex and my date both have to go to the bathroom really bad, so I again take the lead and take them to a hotel and then we head to dinner.

 

My ex sits at a different table, but it is a table next to mine. Her table is full of single people all young and not exactly in the long established cool "circle" of friends that she and I have been a part of. I'm sitting at the table with my date and the established circle of friends. I sit down first and then notice that my ex is looking where to sit at her table and she sits facing me (but it's also facing the center of the room).

 

I get one more text during dinner from her, a comment about her meal. I don't reply. I'm presented with my award and a speech is given about me and everyone that knows me goes nutz it was good and fun!

 

The night comes to an end, and everyone is starting to leave. I head outside thinking my ex has already left but see her standing next to our friends (2 of the friends who were sitting at my table) and I say good night to both of them and then ask my ex, you're going home with them right? (in that caring kind of tone) and she says yeah.

 

I get home about an hour later, and as soon as i walk in the door i get another text.

 

Are you painting the town red?

 

I reply back, no, i've got to work early tomorrow, are you?

 

And she replies no, i'm in bed. I wanted to sleep next you tonight.

 

I don't know how to reply, and i'm kind of floored by the comment.

 

I write back, why can't you....and then write, you looked amazing tonight by the way.

 

she then writes back, it probably wouldn't be the best idea.

 

Then writes thanks, you looked great too..

 

And then I write you know you can call, i won't bite.

 

To which she replies, I'm sleepy...

 

I write ok goodnight

 

she replies, sweet dreams heart!

 

and I reply sleep tight (nick name)

 

That was it......

 

I don't hear from her until yesteday, but 2 things have happened since then.

 

I logged on to facebook on monday and noticed a news feed saying that this guy she's been hanging around has sent her a "cuddle" poke or whatever. She doesn't reply to it, and posts a few other things about a party she's having this saturday (which she posted well after I posted an invite to a going away party for a mutual friend and roommate of both ours).

 

Then yesterday afternoon I get a text from her, "why numb?" in response to my current mood on myspace. I don't reply to it because it's pointless and childish question.

 

Then late last night i log onto facebook and notice a new news feed. My ex has sent the "guy" a cuddle poke in return.......

 

SO that's the update.....

 

I can image'n now that this guy (who will be going to her party) is looking to make his final move, and my ex I guess is all for it.....it only took him 4 months.....

[storm]

That wasn't a very quick update. Anyways, it must be rough seeing your ex so often. But you really don't have a choice. I haven't seen mine in 5 weeks. Are you in europe or something? I don't think anyone really takes trains in the usa anymore.

 

I like how you handled things in the beginning of that night. Towards the end, your needy demon came out again. But I depise how she is messing with your head. Asking about sleeping next to you at the end of the night just to check if you still want her. Then saying it wouldn't be a good idea. That is very cruel if you ask me.

 

My advice is the same as it has been for the past month. Ignore her and it will drive her nuts.

[Spinderella]

sounds like she is confused, but, wants to make sure youre still an option. really though, if she wanted to be with you, she would. its that simple.