rble618740 Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 This is not a problem which even comes close to the gravity of some of the issues addressed on this site. It's just that, usually I go out of my way to be understanding of my husband so that - when I get upset - it means something to him and I do not have to wonder if I am overreacting. This situation, though, is different. I am not certain that I am being reasonable because (1) I am six months pregnant and - though I have not had crazy hormone episdoes - this could be my first and (2) the situation is unusual to me. My wonderful husband is underemployed in his day job. So, with our baby on the way, he took a second job working 10 p.m. - 6 a.m. on Friday and Saturday nights. Of course he sleeps when he comes home and when I wake up, I usually run errands for several hours so that I do not wake him. We have not done anything to the room that is going to be our nursery. We were out of town at a baseball game last Sunday (which I enjoyed) and we have company coming the next two weekends. Yesterday, when he woke up, he announced that he was going to watch baseball in 1/2 hour. I agreed to go with him (and took some of my work to do while we watched the games). Four hours later, when we got home, I was finishing one of the many projects I had worked on this weekend and he was in front of the computer managing his fantasy baseball team, talking on the phone about baseball, and watching more baseball games. I got angry. Part of me feels VERY guilty because he is working really tough hours on the weekends for extra money. Another part of me feels justified because (1) he has been underemployed for 4 years and - if he would concentrate his efforts on resolving that - he wouldn't need a second job, (2) even though he's working extra hours, his every waking moment when he's not is dedicated to sports; and (3) I really need help getting things done right now because of the baby. What do you think? Helpful opinions please. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 Yes... he needs to step up and grow up. He is going to be a father soon! He needs to start helping you more and giving up some baseball time. However, if he changes... it has to be because he wants to! Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 Trust me...any issue can become a big issue. It is always good to discuss the feelings before they become a big issue. As far as him becoming a father, many men do not really feel that "fatherhood burden" until the baby is born. Just as you have a lot of issues inside due to pregnancy, he also has a lot to deal with. Hopefully the two of you are discussing those feelings. Most men will not bring them up by themselves or will deny them. Having gone through four births and more pregnancies, the first is the most difficult. It is the changing from "carefree marriage" to "responsible parenthood." This is one of the biggest changes in life, IMO. He will have to give up things but it has to be from him not you. I can guarantee (almost) that once the baby is born, he will step up to the plate and help. I can say this because he took a second job when he needed to do so. Many men who are not somewhat motivated would not have done so. As for the baseball, he has worked all week, and he needs a break. Even though you feel that there are so many responsibilities that should come first (and I agree), he still feels he needs his escape. This will change when the baby comes, but I am guessing that there will be struggles for both of you. The baby room seems to be your biggest concern now. And with the first child, I can see you worries. After the second and third, this becomes less pressing. But you do need a baby room. Is finishing it more for you or for the baby? And I say that because most parents keep the baby in their own room with them until the baby gets bigger. (By the time our fourth child came, his crib was stuck in the corner of the "baby" room that he shared with his brother..no extra special room for him! Yet he is the most spoiled child of all.) Can you get someone to help finish the room while hubby is at work? You have not explained exactly how the husband is underemployed, but I am guessing that his education gives him the ability to get a better paying job. I also think that this time is not the time for him to add another change to his life. Yes, he needs to move up the career ladder, but doing it while you are pregnant and with a new baby to care for...he is better off waiting until the house settles down enough and the baby is here. Too much stress is not good for the two of you. He will need to make some changes soon, but within the next three months is not a good time. I would suggest that he does so about three months after the baby is born. Am I right when I say that these issues that unsettle your life are a bit magnified at this time while you are pregnant? I am not blaming your pregnancy, but when my wife was pregnant...she needed everything in order so that SHE felt less stressed. And it was worse during the first pregnancy. I can say that it does get better, but I know that this is empty words to you now. And as a father four times over, I can say that I am in no way the same man I was before we had children. I think I am better when it comes to helping around the house and parenting the children. We had a big adjustment period, but we both learned alot about babies and each other. Many of our fears never materialized, but many of our hopes did. Congratulations! Your life will be completely different. But I can say that this change will be good. If your husband is like most men (and in your eyes even better than most men), he WILL come around. As I have reminded myself many times during pregnancies, babyhood, and toddlerhood..."This too shall pass." Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 1, 2007 Share Posted October 1, 2007 Congratulations! Your life will be completely different. James, that may qualify as the understatement of the year ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Anna Comnena Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 "He's been underemployed the last 4 years and wouldn't have to work if he took care of it eariler." well, then honey, WHY on earth would you get pregnant to a man who isn't "taking care of busineess" to your standards? If you wanted a wealthy work-o-holic you should have married one instead of attempting to make your husband into one. Your husband is working himself to death in order to take care of your YOUR needs. How many hours does he have to himself? now.. How many hours do you have to your self? Further, he's on the computer constructing a virtual baseball team...like a young boy with a hobby. Would you rather him looking at porn, drinking or doing drugs??? I really am begining to think that most women really don't want their man to be happy, unless it's a man who is happy paying attention or doting upon the wife. and I honestly believe that women purposfully marry men because they "have potential," have kids, then throw the man out once the wife has a new person to mold. (the kid). I can't understand why most men marry??? I mean, wife's won't have sex, they make you work 2+ jobs, then get upset when you make a vitural baseball team because the man isn't spending every second of his life for his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott S Posted November 9, 2007 Share Posted November 9, 2007 well, then honey, WHY on earth would you get pregnant to a man who isn't "taking care of busineess" to your standards? You realize, of course, that pregnancy often occurs with little or no advanced planning? Link to post Share on other sites
Cheery Cherry Posted November 9, 2007 Share Posted November 9, 2007 Trust me...any issue can become a big issue. It is always good to discuss the feelings before they become a big issue. I agree with James. Talk to your husband, that's what being a couple is all about. There isn't much more I can add that hasn't been said already. Congratulations to you and your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
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