How to deal with an angry husband...

[dolphinbaby]

(Sorry this is so long, I don't have anyone to talk to)

 

My husband and I have been married for 5 months and it is like we a two different people living in the same house as roommates.

 

We met in college, He was a senior and I was a sophomore both in ROTC. After he graduated he commissioned in the Army. I still had 2 years left and after I graduated I would also get my commission in the Army. He went to Georgia for about a year for training. We would fly out to visit each other and everything was great. There was one big argument we had because I lied to him about something really small. I explained to him why I did it and that i didn't mean anything by it, and after a while he just forgot about it. After his year in Georgia he went on his first assignment to Korea. Being in Korea was hard for him because it was the last place he wanted to be. I was there for him every step of the way. I even went to visit him a couple of times. My third time to visit was when he proposed. Everything was great, we couldnt have been happier. We decided to have the wedding in between his move from Korea to his next duty station (His idea). He came home from Korea on my birthday. We went out and after dinner he seemed to be really mad and while we were driving home he started yelling at me asking me why I was checking out all the other guys in the restaurant. I was shocked, I hadn't checked anyone out except him all night long. No matter how much I denied it, he kept insisting that I did. After a while we just quit talking about it because it was going nowhere, he was not going to realize that I had not been checking out other guys all night long. So wedding day comes and it is the happiest day ever. After the wedding we pack up and I move across the country with him to his next duty station. I still have 1 semester (3 classes) left before I graduate so I arranged for me to take the classes up there and transfer them and graduate and commission in December. We now have a house and a dog. After a month, I had to go out of town for a month of training. When I got back is when the fighting started. He is very unhappy with his job, this duty station is another Korea. He is working 12-14 hour days and always comes home angry. He hates the city we live in because it is to crowded and he especially hates driving because everyone gets in his way and slows him down. I sit at home all day because I am taking my last 3 classes online. He says that he doesn't want me to get a job because it would be part time and I would probably have to work nights and weekends and we would never see each other. I don't know anyone here, people are not as friendly as they are back home. I am going crazy staying home. When we get into a fight it is not pretty. He can be an a-hole and he knows it. He is one when he drives and is one when he doesn't get what he wants. He has become very impatient and is angry about everything.

 

We have had 3 big fights since being married, each much bigger than the one before, all as a result of him saying that I was checking out other guys. After the first one I made an attempt to watch where I looked so he didn't perceive it the wrong way. I hate it because I am always having to be cautious or it will start a fight. When I deny it he brings up the fact that I lied to him before and that he knows there is other things that I have lied about, he just doesn't know what they are, and that he cant trust me. I ask him why he married me if he doesn't trust me. His answer is always "I don't know". The last fight we had he actually said that he want a divorce. I left and let him cool down a little bit and when I returned we sat down and talked. He mentioned about how he hated it here and how he hates coming home because he always takes his frustrations out on me. He says that sometimes he avoids talking to me because he doesn't want to take it out on me. He said that he didn't mean what he said about getting a divorce and just said it to be an a-hole.

 

A little background on how he handles things. He is always trying to teach me a lesson about being in the Army. He has been in 2 years and i am about to commission. He treats every aspect of his like like the army. And tries to control everything, and when he cant he gets angry.

 

Back to his comment about a D, I asked him why he did it, here is what our convo. was like:

 

Him "Someday you will realize that you have to be an a-hole to get your point across."

 

Me " Are you talking about our marriage or the army?"

 

Him "With soldiers you have..."

 

( I cut him off) Me "You can't treat our marriage like you would the army. This is not the army and i an not one of your soldiers, so don't talk to me like one."

 

He didn't really say anything after that. We continued to talk for a while and he was getting tired and said he was going to sleep and didn't want to talk any more. We ended up going to sleep because the conversation was going nowhere. The next day every thing is fine with him.

 

A month or so goes by and everything is ok but now it is like we are roommates. We don't talk as much as we used to, he is only affectionate when he wants to have sex, and we rarely go out because he always gets angry about the traffic or something else he can't control.

 

He is angry all the time and so cynical. He was never like that before we moved here. He is not the same man I married. His frustrations with his job makes him unbearable to be around sometimes.

 

I love him so much and don't know what to do. I am the loneliest right now than I have ever been.

 

How do you deal with a husband that wont change and wont realize that his anger is also affecting you and your marriage? At this rate I honestly see us eventually getting a divorce. How can we save our marriage?

[Anna Comnena]

Honey, I'm sad to say, you really didn't know this guy too well. Likely, he was angry before you ever met him and is generally an angry person. I'd speek to some of his friends/family who have known him for awhile, and those who are honest about it, are likely to confim this.

 

Irrational Jealous behavior is not tolorable. It leads to very very dangerous behavior and is evidence of other emotional issues/problems. It is also evidence of severe emotional immaturity.

 

Long Distance relationships can be really hit or miss.. more misses then hits. I think you may have to admit to yourself that you made a mistake. At least there are no kids involved. Do you want your future children raised by his anger???

[Ladyjane14]

If what you're seeing is a change in his personality... then a depression screening might be in order. Depression often manifests as anger, particularly in men. Any medical doctor can screen him, but he needs to be honest during his evaluation.

 

If, on the other hand, he was ALWAYS a jealous, controlling, road-raging, a*hole... maybe you ought to give some thought to taking him up on that divorce. If it's a personality issue... it'll likely take fairly intensive therapy for him to work it out, and he's going to have to WANT to change.

[amaysngrace]

I agree that you have been blindsided by this guy. He sounds so controlling. And that is so scary.

 

Why are you doing your studies online? So you aren't able to go out in the real world? Would he have a problem with that? Now he doesn't want you to have a job. Again, he's trying to control you by keeping you at his mercy.

 

I was married to a control freak. He was ordered anger management by a judge after he became physical with me. It didn't work to make him less angry though.

 

It's sad to be where you are now. If you take a stand for yourself you're likely to enrage him more. And oftentimes when controllers feel as though they are losing ground they become physical. Mine did.

 

Is he ever abusive towards the dog? Does he ever break things in the home? Does he belittle you verbally or make you feel bad about yourself? Does he get mad at you and pull the silent-treatment on you?

 

These are classic early warning signs. This is domestic violence.

[Meaplus3]

(Sorry this is so long, I don't have anyone to talk to)

 

My husband and I have been married for 5 months and it is like we a two different people living in the same house as roommates.

 

We met in college, He was a senior and I was a sophomore both in ROTC. After he graduated he commissioned in the Army. I still had 2 years left and after I graduated I would also get my commission in the Army. He went to Georgia for about a year for training. We would fly out to visit each other and everything was great. There was one big argument we had because I lied to him about something really small. I explained to him why I did it and that i didn't mean anything by it, and after a while he just forgot about it. After his year in Georgia he went on his first assignment to Korea. Being in Korea was hard for him because it was the last place he wanted to be. I was there for him every step of the way. I even went to visit him a couple of times. My third time to visit was when he proposed. Everything was great, we couldnt have been happier. We decided to have the wedding in between his move from Korea to his next duty station (His idea). He came home from Korea on my birthday. We went out and after dinner he seemed to be really mad and while we were driving home he started yelling at me asking me why I was checking out all the other guys in the restaurant. I was shocked, I hadn't checked anyone out except him all night long. No matter how much I denied it, he kept insisting that I did. After a while we just quit talking about it because it was going nowhere, he was not going to realize that I had not been checking out other guys all night long. So wedding day comes and it is the happiest day ever. After the wedding we pack up and I move across the country with him to his next duty station. I still have 1 semester (3 classes) left before I graduate so I arranged for me to take the classes up there and transfer them and graduate and commission in December. We now have a house and a dog. After a month, I had to go out of town for a month of training. When I got back is when the fighting started. He is very unhappy with his job, this duty station is another Korea. He is working 12-14 hour days and always comes home angry. He hates the city we live in because it is to crowded and he especially hates driving because everyone gets in his way and slows him down. I sit at home all day because I am taking my last 3 classes online. He says that he doesn't want me to get a job because it would be part time and I would probably have to work nights and weekends and we would never see each other. I don't know anyone here, people are not as friendly as they are back home. I am going crazy staying home. When we get into a fight it is not pretty. He can be an a-hole and he knows it. He is one when he drives and is one when he doesn't get what he wants. He has become very impatient and is angry about everything.

 

We have had 3 big fights since being married, each much bigger than the one before, all as a result of him saying that I was checking out other guys. After the first one I made an attempt to watch where I looked so he didn't perceive it the wrong way. I hate it because I am always having to be cautious or it will start a fight. When I deny it he brings up the fact that I lied to him before and that he knows there is other things that I have lied about, he just doesn't know what they are, and that he cant trust me. I ask him why he married me if he doesn't trust me. His answer is always "I don't know". The last fight we had he actually said that he want a divorce. I left and let him cool down a little bit and when I returned we sat down and talked. He mentioned about how he hated it here and how he hates coming home because he always takes his frustrations out on me. He says that sometimes he avoids talking to me because he doesn't want to take it out on me. He said that he didn't mean what he said about getting a divorce and just said it to be an a-hole.

 

A little background on how he handles things. He is always trying to teach me a lesson about being in the Army. He has been in 2 years and i am about to commission. He treats every aspect of his like like the army. And tries to control everything, and when he cant he gets angry.

 

Back to his comment about a D, I asked him why he did it, here is what our convo. was like:

 

Him "Someday you will realize that you have to be an a-hole to get your point across."

 

Me " Are you talking about our marriage or the army?"

 

Him "With soldiers you have..."

 

( I cut him off) Me "You can't treat our marriage like you would the army. This is not the army and i an not one of your soldiers, so don't talk to me like one."

 

He didn't really say anything after that. We continued to talk for a while and he was getting tired and said he was going to sleep and didn't want to talk any more. We ended up going to sleep because the conversation was going nowhere. The next day every thing is fine with him.

 

A month or so goes by and everything is ok but now it is like we are roommates. We don't talk as much as we used to, he is only affectionate when he wants to have sex, and we rarely go out because he always gets angry about the traffic or something else he can't control.

 

He is angry all the time and so cynical. He was never like that before we moved here. He is not the same man I married. His frustrations with his job makes him unbearable to be around sometimes.

 

I love him so much and don't know what to do. I am the loneliest right now than I have ever been.

 

How do you deal with a husband that wont change and wont realize that his anger is also affecting you and your marriage? At this rate I honestly see us eventually getting a divorce. How can we save our marriage?

 

I hate to tell you this however beign that I have been a victim of verbal and Some physical abuse over the course of a 15 year marriage, I must say there are a Ton of "RED FLAG"S" in your post! Your H need's help to get to the root of his anger. If you ever question your safety you need to leave the situation if he's in the middle of an out burst, or you could get hurt. I feel for you and I understand "Lonely". I am not trying to say you should divorce him, however sometimes these type of men only get worse with time. If you have NO children as of yet it would be a good idea to consider leaving him before you have kid's to consider. Just my thought's. I wish you the best of luck and please know in your heart you are not to blame for his Anger Problems!!

 

AP:)

[ohmy3]

I couldn't agree w/ Ap more than 100%, you are in a ACCIDENT waiting to happen! 1st, yes he is mad all the TIME, your already trying to change simple things of you human nature to happen to look @ people (men/women), so he don't fly off the handle! Your ALONE and know NO ONE and your are in the perfect place and time for him to HURT you bad. Your aware he has major control "ISSUES" , he has a JOB he hates that he is @ 12/14 hrs a day, and your are the ONLY thing there that he knows he can CONTROL, whats stopping him nothing ! He is @ a boiling point and any 1 thing will likely set him off and your there to get PUNISHED for whatever he can't control..........

 

Do you have family that will lend you $ so you can just FLY home?

[hdnkorul]

Dearest dolphinbaby,

 

I have married someone I never knew had this anger problem either. But when it started it eventually got worse and worse. The last time he said he wanted a divorce and got close to being physical but i didn't let it.

After a period of cooling down and getting away from each other, we decided to go to counseling to save our marriage. It helped a little. It has been 4 months and when we get into an argument he is more careful although at times he does slip and begin to get loud but I remind him what the counselor said and he stops himself. It is difficult for me too because inside i'm so scared. I don't show him that though...but sometimes I ask myself is this all worth it?

I love him and I want to save our marriage but it will take time to fix someone who has a psychological issue. It sounds like your husband has had this before he met you just like mine. But we never knew the ugly side. It is something you will have to ask yourself. And get counseling together before it turns really ugly. I waited 5 years, and i wish it was sooner when i went. But for us to truly be ok, it will need many more years of patience and work. As for me, I will do what I can until my limit. After that, I don't know what will happen. Ask yourself what your limit is too. Don't let it get too full before you get help.

 

best of luck to you...

[Darth Vader]

He may have trust issues from childhood, do you know anything that happened to him when he was a child? Like a parent cheating? It could be that because he's in a war zone. In Korea, the war's still going on, only thing is, there not been a shot fired! That can make for a very intense situation! He needs counseling, IC, and Marriage Counseling, it sounds like something is eating him. It also could be that he's heard alot of cheating going on while the soldiers are in Korea. But, it could be just him, get him to IC, he needs it!

[Zona76]

Sorry my dear but you have a controller.

The military is a great HUGE part of it. But you have to know it wont DEFINITELY wont get better.

I was married to a Career Army man for 30 years.

He treated me like I was one of his Privates. That was the only was he knew to communicate. He never hit me, but his voice commanded attention.

He didn't care if he hurt me, only that he was always right. He managed the money and I never knew how much debt we were in. I would ask if we could afford something and he would tell me not to worry about it.

Parts of the Army Life I loved. I loved to travel as it was very cheap when we were stationed in Germany. But I never felt loved or wanted, not to mention desired. He never let me get close enough. He never cried.

I was always one of his acquisitions.

[blon_dee]

Honey, i am feeling your pain too.. I was married to a military man also for 5 years. I know all too well that being spoken to like you're a troop, and the controlling behaviour... I hope this works out for you.... I ended up a very miserable woman, and then when our baby was a little over a year old he left me for a younger woman..... Just be careful.. I wish you luck xx