stressing

[overanalytical]

so things are up and down from my previous post. my fiance and i are doing well and all of a sudden it's like he turns into someone else. last night we had a little tiff as i was going to bed. he stayed up with our roommate and drank while i had to go to bed because i do HAVE a job and need rest. anyways, he came to tell me good night and i made a comment about him talking on the phone. he said he wasn't...he is a huge phone talker. he'll talk to ANYONE! lol

 

so for some reason this turns into a fight. he has the nerve to tell me he'll just move his stuff out today! out of no where!! wtf i dont' know what to say to him now or what to do. i know he's under a lot of stress and we both are while we're having to adjust to a roommie but to say that...that's not right.

 

what do i do? what do i say? at the time it made me just start balling. i told him if that's what he wants then to just do it. was i wrong?

[curiousnycgirl]

My therapist has explained this to me as when "the kid" takes over. Meaning we all have two sides to us, the adult and the kid. The kid is never rationale and generally responds inappropriately when panicked and scared. When you started crying, I would say your kid took over too. A conversation between two kids can never be rationale.

 

However if one partner is being a kid, and the other an adult, there is some hope of getting the conversation back to something productive. I wouldn't say your response was wrong - but it was definitely your less rationale kid taking over, and therefore not likely to have the desired outcome.

 

I've actually had this situation happen to me 2x with my b/f (and paid ALOT of money to my therapist for what I am about to share:cool:).

 

Now that you are calmer - I would sit down and have a discussion with him (hopefully with his adult). As I have said to my b/f - although I love him, there will be times we fight. Threatening to walk out is NOT an acceptable option to me. I am even fine if we go to bed angry and not speaking, but walking out is a deal breaker for me.

 

That is my hot button, you need to rationally and calmly express your hot button to your Fiance.

 

Good luck.

[overanalytical]

thanks nyc girl your post made total sense. i do let the kid take over and i did that time as well, and i think my fiance did too. i know fights happen and i know that usually in fights somoene is trying to hurt the other - that's why they are called fights. it just really hurts to hear him say something so mean.

 

i went home for lunch and talked to him. he said he wasn't leaving and that's 'just his thing he says' and i told him how bad it hurt me so hopefully he won't do it again. i know i've said mean things in a fight but that to me is too much. i think/hope he understands where i'm coming from.