What do I do?

[MTS]

Hi, I hope someone out there has some good advice for me. Here is the story. I've been with a wonderful woman for 8 years and last night she left to stay at a friend’s because she needs to think and decide if this relationship is for her. Over the 8 years we have had ups and down but mostly ups I would say. We are good friends and we rarely argue and if we do we generally quickly resolve the problem. However for several of the last years she has wanted us to get married. I have no issue with doing it I just haven't done it. Finacially we made some other choices such as buying a house which has had a lot of unexpected expenses. In my head I wanted to give her the beautiful wedding she wanted however the pocket book hasn’t agreed. On Sunday I was waking up after working nights and she was going to a wedding shower with my parents and she shows me an inexpensive ring she bought and says I want to tell everyone we are engaged. I said ‘don’t you we should tell my parents before everyone else’. She slams the door and leaves. That night I call her from work I can tell she is upset and doesn’t want to talk to me. In the morning I come home from work everything seems fairly normal but she has to go to work and I need to go to bed. That night when she comes home from work she tells me she is leaving and we talk for awhile then she goes. I know why in part why she is so upset with me. She see’s friends and family having children and building families. However we are even married yet.

 

[i know this is a lot to read and hope someone can help mostly I want to know do I give her space, she wanted to stay for a week or do I go after her. I know asking her to marry me now would seem a little desperate and she even agreed with that

What should I do

Thanks,

MTS

[curiousnycgirl]

Unless you are willing to go over there with a sincere proposal - along with a timeline of when you will get married (months, not years) - you need to give her space.

 

She is struggling with the fact that the man she wants does not want the same things in life that she wants. Regardless of what you have said (ie if you have said that you do wish to marry her) - your actions speak far louder than words. She is taking this time to figure out if she can imagine life without you, and if she has the strength to move on.

 

She has invested 8 years in your relationship, and it is not giving her what she wants - marriage and children. Have you asked her which is more important to her - a big wedding or the marriage? Or are you just using that as an excuse?

[Cobra_X30]

You need to make her understand that you WILL marry her! That you have wanted to giver her a big wedding... but put it off for financial reasons. She has now made it clear to you that the big wedding is not a huge priority for her. She needs to understand that this is just a communication error, and that since this is now corrected, you will begin to fix the situation!

 

Honest, I think you need to start planning a proposal! Plan it now... set a date, set a venue, get a bloody ring! Even if its just a small little promise ring! Don't set it too close to this little blow up, but dont wait too long!

[MTS]

I think in some respects you are right, it is an excuse. I just fear that possibly if the wedding doesn't turn out the way she dreams that she would resent it and me. And I really do want to give her the wedding that she dreams of. Now that I said that it does seem foolish I know she is not that superficial a person.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "She is struggling with the fact that the man she wants does not want the same things in life that she wants"

I do love her and love spending time with her however I have always had doubts about children, or maybe my ability to be a good parent.

Thank you for your thoughts more insights appreciated

[serial muse]

I think in some respects you are right, it is an excuse. I just fear that possibly if the wedding doesn't turn out the way she dreams that she would resent it and me. And I really do want to give her the wedding that she dreams of. Now that I said that it does seem foolish I know she is not that superficial a person.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "She is struggling with the fact that the man she wants does not want the same things in life that she wants"

I do love her and love spending time with her however I have always had doubts about children, or maybe my ability to be a good parent.

Thank you for your thoughts more insights appreciated

 

Hey MTS - I agree with curiousnycgirl; what you wrote does sound like an excuse. In all those years, it is possible to save up for a wedding, and at the very least to understand that your partner appears to be far more concerned with knowing you want to be married than she is with her dream wedding (she bought herself a ring? There's something so desperately in pain about that).

 

It's been eight years, and I suspect your hesitation isn't even just about building a family. I suspect that you aren't so much worried about making the wedding perfect for her as perhaps you are about whether she's the perfect person for you. It's about her, and she probably knows it, too - it's probably glaringly obvious at this point, which explains her reaction. Perhaps you're concerned that she's not the one because you don't see eye to eye on kids, or perhaps you just don't feel ready to make that full commitment. But you need to be honest, not only with her, but first with yourself. Really spend some time thinking about what the roadblock is for you, and whether it's something that you think is ultimately surmountable or not. I'm sure she'd like to know whether it's worth waiting around any longer for you to make up your mind. Do her the favor of figuring out why you don't know if you really want to get married, and then try to decide.

 

And by the way - asking her to marry you now would only be desperate if you did it as a stalling tactic. She, of course, wants you to do exactly that - but ONLY if you mean it. If you don't, then don't. If you decide that you want to be married to her, then by all means, run after her. But don't propose now only to back out later.

[MTS]

Serial Muse, thank you I never quite thought of it like that. I certainly intended no disrepect for her but in that thinking it quite obviously is a huge disrespect.

There are other issues involved on her end of thinking as partners we are very good together,rare arguements, best friends, etc., sex is good but too infrequent for both are likings.

Personality wise I am shy, an introvert. She on the hand is an extrovert very social. I have always liked that about her but I think that maybe she has decided that she doesn't like that about me and wants me to be someone I am not.

She has stated that this is also a problem and that we don't do social things very much together, a somewhat related problem.

I am hesitant to 'run' after her if these other issues are too big for both of us to overcome.

More thoughts please.

[serial muse]

Serial Muse, thank you I never quite thought of it like that. I certainly intended no disrepect for her but in that thinking it quite obviously is a huge disrespect.

There are other issues involved on her end of thinking as partners we are very good together,rare arguements, best friends, etc., sex is good but too infrequent for both are likings.

Personality wise I am shy, an introvert. She on the hand is an extrovert very social. I have always liked that about her but I think that maybe she has decided that she doesn't like that about me and wants me to be someone I am not.

She has stated that this is also a problem and that we don't do social things very much together, a somewhat related problem.

I am hesitant to 'run' after her if these other issues are too big for both of us to overcome.

More thoughts please.

 

Hm. Well, it's hard to know. The first thought I had when I read what you wrote about your mutual doubts was that it's hard to tell whether she's raising these concerns because she's really worried about them, or because she is, deep down, very angry with you and is lashing out.

 

I really think the best way to go forward is to talk to her, as openly and honestly as you can, about your worries about the relationship and whether you're right for each other. That also gives her the opportunity to voice her own doubts - and put them in the proper context. If it's just a matter of something small that's become magnified because of the marriage issue, then talking it out can let you both know whether you really want to be together, and are just feeling stressed, or whether you both have serious enough doubts that you decide not to. Staying in limbo, however, is clearly taking its toll on her, and on the relationship (and on you - I'm sure it isn't pleasant to feel like you bear all this responsibility for determining your mutual future)! I think the best way to go forward is to call her up and say, 'Listen, sweetheart, I think it's time we sat down and really talked about what we want from each other for the future.' And then do it. Don't bear the burden alone - open it up and talk about it together, and make up your minds together.

 

It may be, in the short term, that you'll need to call her and propose this talk. I can't guarantee, since I don't know her, but I suspect she'll welcome the chance to have an honest discussion about this with you, especially if you make it clear that you love her and want to figure it out once and for all. I doubt she'd see that kind of overture as invading her space - I think instead that it would show you're willing to take the bull by the horns, that you really do care that she's this upset, and that you're willing to respond to her (unspoken) need for a decision.

[MTS]

I'm not sure if she is lashing out it is entirely possible considering the circumstances of the day attending my cousins wedding shower and being expected to attend the upcoming wedding. I agree we need to talk I am just wondering if I should give her 'space'. She said she would call me in a week and it's only been a day?

[BestAdvisor1]

She said she would call me in a week and it's only been a day?

 

By then, she might have met someone. Between now and then, she is very vulnerable and any guy who pays her attention, it won't take much for her to fall for it.