Getting her stuff out of my house

[Art_Critic]

Very good job.

 

I agree..

 

Don't be surprised if she has her new guy help her move though..

I'm not saying it will happen.. but it could..

[niceguy27]

She wouldnt do that. She is real good at keeping things separated like that. I dont think she is consciously aware of the game she has been playing. She isnt that insesitive to do something like that.

 

Besides I wouldn't let him on my property. He can wait out on the road.

 

I hope that this will help me out too. Knowing I took action instead of her. Should I even be there? I thought of telling her I have to go once I show her where everything is. I dont know if I can emotionally handle it.

[myhotrod123456789]

If you don't think you can emotionally handle it, then you should put the stuff in front of your door after work tomorrow and head out somewhere. She said she will be there, so it isn't your responsibility. You need to draw a line between being mean and not being taken advantage of. It sounds like you did a great job on the phone. Keep that up. It is a sign of self-confidence that women are attracted to. You just need to continue. Getting rid of the last remnants that you held onto is the hardest part. Things will get better soon.

[niceguy27]

So last night I cleaned up the house, finished gathering some of the smaller things of hers and pretty much got the house ready. After it was all said and done, it was close to midnight. House was kind of dark and quiet. I stopped and looked around had a flood of emotions come back. All the memories and feelings came back and I realized that after that night things would never be the same again. Once her stuff was gone, its gone. It was almost surreal. Things would be very different after her stuff was gone. Like stepping back in time almost. I dont know. I was just pretty emotional last night.

 

So today is the big day. When she gets there I am going to show her where things are at and then I am going to tell her I forgot and have to go meet someone. That way I can slip out and not be tempted to stay and try to talk to her. I am praying for strength to cope with it, especially today as its going to be very hard on me.

 

Should I say anything to her? I am tempted to. Ask her one last time if this is what she really wants? Tell her I miss her and give her a big hug and ask if we can start over fresh?? Should I even give her a hug goodbye when I leave or just say gotta go. See ya?

 

I know. I know. I have to be strong and stand my ground but I admit that I am very very tempted to try to talk to her. Nothing has been said about "us" in about a month and I have not talked to her about anything big in quite a while.

[reboot]

You already know the correct answer to that. But in the end, it really doesn't matter what anyone here says. It's easy for us to tell you "do a, b, then c" when we're not the one hurting over this.

 

Yes you should be strong, no you shouldn't talk to her about the R. You don't need us to tell you that anymore. You've caught on. But if you can't do "the right thing", are we going to call you names and make fun of you? Not hardly. We all do what we have to do to get by. You do what you have to do.

 

Good luck.

[reboot]

By the way,

 

If you don't think you can emotionally handle it, then you should put the stuff in front of your door after work tomorrow and head out somewhere. She said she will be there, so it isn't your responsibility. You need to draw a line between being mean and not being taken advantage of. It sounds like you did a great job on the phone. Keep that up. It is a sign of self-confidence that women are attracted to. You just need to continue. Getting rid of the last remnants that you held onto is the hardest part. Things will get better soon.

This is really good advice.

[Lishy]

I think you should do what ever you want to do

 

The 'correct' thing to do is written above BUT if you feel the need to fall to the floor and beg for another chance honey then do so!

 

Personally, she will find you far more appealing if you stand back and look happy!

[niceguy27]

Thanks guys for the advice. Shes not stupid and she knows how I feel about her. So to that degree you are all right about not bringing things up.

 

Getting her things out will be the best thing for me to finally let go completely of all physical attachments to her. I really think that by ME initiating this, it will show her that I may not be there for her. Until this point, I think that in the back of her mind she thought that "He'll always be there if I need him." By doing this it is forcing her to realize that you know what? He may not be there like I thought. Kind of like taking her safety net away. It doesnt change how I feel about her one bit and I think this is a step in the right direction.

 

She has to lose ALL of me in order for her to reflect back on our relationship. Until then, she will never be forced into reflecting on that and figuring out what she wants out of life.

[starlite]

I havent read through this whole thread...But maybe this hasnt been shared with you yet. It is a secret of women (And if you are a woman who doesnt feel the same I am sorry and I omit you from this statement)...

 

We want what we can't have!

 

I do! I dated a boy for 6 months and broke up with him a few times...I would take him back but just cause of convinience and he was begging me. I knew he'd be there.Then one day came, he was fed up...I fell head over heals for him.

 

I know many women who have been this way. So at this point she thinks/knows you want her back. She has no worries that you'll be there...So I suggest changing your attitude. Give her stuff back emotionless, seem ok and posotive.

 

Maybe she will realize it and come back...maybe not, but at least if she doesnt you have kept more dignity!

[niceguy27]

ha ha. I like your secret. That is what I finally did. Read the whole post. It gets real good. I put my foot down after waiting for her to make the move to get the stuff out. The conversation I had with her was real quick and to the point. I got sick of waiting for her to come get it or contact me about it. The more I thought about it, the more I mad I got that she was just keeping me there on the back burner. So I called and told her she had 2 days to come get (after shes already had a month to do so).

 

She will be over tonight to get it. I am showing here where the things are at and then Im leaving the house to let her get her stuff out.

[niceguy27]

Okay...wish me luck. Im heading home shortly to do the deed. Everything is going in the garage for her to pick up when she comes over. I am going to be there acting busy and indifferent.

[Rooster_DAR]

Have a garage sale!

 

[niceguy27]

Well, the ex came over yesterday to get her stuff. She at first was very mad when I reminded her I wanted it out by today. She said fine just throw it out to the curb. Right after that she apologized and told me this week has been really bad for her and it wasnt fair for her to take it out on me. I said fine and see her soon.

 

She got there and everything went fine. I didnt really help out at all and she loaded everything up. She brought over some of her nursing stuff and told me she was supposed to go to her mothers to practice giving a physical but she missed the appt. and needed someone to practice on. I of course volunteered and we went into the bedroom. She had me undress and sit on the bed. Mind you, this is the first time in a month that we have been this close to each other. She was nervous and I just sat there and looked at her and didnt say anything. I didnt touch her, make a move, say anything...Nothing. Played it cool until she was done.

 

Afterwards, I grabbed a beer and offered her one. I asked her how clinicals were, listened to her for a minute and then turned the tv on. She stayed about a half hour and then had to go. Now here is where Im not sure if I blew it or not. As she was leaving, I gave her a hug and as she was walking out, I grabbed her by her hand and told her flat out..."I miss you Kara." She looked at me and didnt say anything for a minute. We just stood there. She then said she didnt want to give me the wrong impression but she missed me too.

 

I think that feels that we have to be all or nothing with us. I dont think she understands that we can go slow. She has it in her head that its all or nothing with us. So thats how it ended. I didnt beg or get into anything deep. Just straight and forward with her. I know I gave her a deadline on her stuff, but she came right over and got as much as she possibly could. I am having her mother or her come back in a couple days to get the rest of it. 2 days notice wasnt enough of a heads up for her I think.

 

So fine. At least now she knows that I'm not just sitting idly by waiting for her and am taking a pro-active approach.

[CaliGuy]

Well, the ex came over yesterday to get her stuff. She at first was very mad when I reminded her I wanted it out by today. She said fine just throw it out to the curb. Right after that she apologized and told me this week has been really bad for her and it wasnt fair for her to take it out on me. I said fine and see her soon.

 

She got there and everything went fine. I didnt really help out at all and she loaded everything up. She brought over some of her nursing stuff and told me she was supposed to go to her mothers to practice giving a physical but she missed the appt. and needed someone to practice on. I of course volunteered and we went into the bedroom. She had me undress and sit on the bed. Mind you, this is the first time in a month that we have been this close to each other. She was nervous and I just sat there and looked at her and didnt say anything. I didnt touch her, make a move, say anything...Nothing. Played it cool until she was done.

 

Afterwards, I grabbed a beer and offered her one. I asked her how clinicals were, listened to her for a minute and then turned the tv on. She stayed about a half hour and then had to go. Now here is where Im not sure if I blew it or not. As she was leaving, I gave her a hug and as she was walking out, I grabbed her by her hand and told her flat out..."I miss you Kara." She looked at me and didnt say anything for a minute. We just stood there. She then said she didnt want to give me the wrong impression but she missed me too.

 

I think that feels that we have to be all or nothing with us. I dont think she understands that we can go slow. She has it in her head that its all or nothing with us. So thats how it ended. I didnt beg or get into anything deep. Just straight and forward with her. I know I gave her a deadline on her stuff, but she came right over and got as much as she possibly could. I am having her mother or her come back in a couple days to get the rest of it. 2 days notice wasnt enough of a heads up for her I think.

 

So fine. At least now she knows that I'm not just sitting idly by waiting for her and am taking a pro-active approach.

 

 

You were doing fine until you volunteered to be her test subject and then told her you missed her. She knows you're still on her string.

 

Did you read the book I recommended? Read the whole thing.

[reboot]

Thanks for letting us know what happened. I was about to give up.

[Art_Critic]

Art *shakes* his head...

 

You were doing super until you started the wanting her back stuff..

 

She has another guy.

Let the other guy have her.. she isn't worth fighting for since there is no fight left...

 

On the plus side.. her stuff is gone and you now can start fresh.. Good for you....

[niceguy27]

Thanks for the replies. I didnt tell her per se that I wanted her back. I told her I missed her in a straight forward manner and left it pretty much at that. And that was the last thing that was said before she left.

 

I am pretty proud that I didnt fall to the floor trying to talk her into something. Im also proud that I kept my cool the whole time she was there. I kept busy and stuff and didnt really say a whole lot to her.

 

But yes, at least now I dont have the physical reminders of her around the house. And yes Caliguy I finished the book today. Wish I would of had had it done yesterday before she came over. Oh well. Live and learn.

[reboot]

I got kind of worried when you said "She had me undress and sit on the bed"... that could have turned out badly.

[CaliGuy]

Thanks for the replies. I didnt tell her per se that I wanted her back. I told her I missed her in a straight forward manner and left it pretty much at that. And that was the last thing that was said before she left.

 

I am pretty proud that I didnt fall to the floor trying to talk her into something. Im also proud that I kept my cool the whole time she was there. I kept busy and stuff and didnt really say a whole lot to her.

 

But yes, at least now I dont have the physical reminders of her around the house. And yes Caliguy I finished the book today. Wish I would of had had it done yesterday before she came over. Oh well. Live and learn.

 

Like Art said, she has another man in her life. You need to remember that. She's giving her love to someone else.

 

It's not fair of her to use you as a "test" subject or to take any of your personal time.

 

Refer to the book often if she pokes her head around in your life.

[niceguy27]

Ahhh yes. I did my best to keep calm and cool. I didnt do or say anything. One of the reasons I agreed to to do it was because I have gotten into a little better shape since she has last seen me. A little more cut and lean. So I did it mostly to show her that.

 

Amazing how these ex's cause you to do crap like this. You think you have it all figured out then BAM, the time comes and your little plan starts to crumble.

[unfreakinbelievable]

end it all now

[carrotgirl]

NiceGuy, you are such a sweetheart!

 

On behalf of women like me who like to think they have power over these things, I'll ask the crass question.

 

Was there any erecting taking place during this physical? Because if there wasn't, you probably gave more of a message than you know.

 

Carrot

[niceguy27]

Ha. No. There was nothing there. I kept my distance from her and didnt make any moves or say anything. We had briefly talked about hooking up after we broke up but that was a while ago and I decided not to pursue it at all. I did a damn good job at keeping calm while she was doing that.

 

You know I have read quite a bit about ex's and relationships. And almost everything points to the fact that during the break up period, people think that they just want them back because they are gone and that they "need" them. The question is asked, "Did you want them this bad when you were together?" Or, "Think of all the bad stuff so you get over them."

 

But looking back now the last month or so, I keep thinking should I still be keeping hope? I loved her with her flaws and she loved me with mine. We shared a lot of of the same core values and had a pretty passionate sex life. We were compatible on a whole bunch of levels. So it wasnt a matter of us just not being right for each other like it is with some people. Wrong timing, fear of committment, grass is greener? Probably will never kow.

 

Can I see myself with her for the rest of my life? Yes. I decided that a while back. Not after she left but a long time before all this started. She was totally open and forth coming with me when we split. It took me a while to accept HER reasons as she gave me a bunch of different ones but not one solid one.

 

She is a smart girl and has had plenty of past experiences to know when she has something good or something that is not going to go anywhere in the future. She has put such high expectations on us that she thinks that everything else has to take a back seat to the relationship. So she forced herself to become distant and try to go out with other people to prove whatever it is to herself that she can do things on her own. After reading that book, I think that both of us learned to lean on each a little too much. She thought that when she went into clinicals it would be too hard for her to focus on maintaining the relationship and balancing school. Like she gave up before even trying to find a compromise.

 

So long story short, I am doing my best to keep myself busy and finding myself again but at the same time if/when she does come back around after this little whirlwind I can choose whether or not to accept her back. And I will know exactly how to proceed this time out. I will have had the time apart to have a clear head in order to make an informed decision on whether or not pursue it again.

 

Sorry for the long reply. I have been thinking about this lately and wanted to get it off my chest.

[CaliGuy]

So long story short, I am doing my best to keep myself busy and finding myself again but at the same time if/when she does come back around after this little whirlwind I can choose whether or not to accept her back. And I will know exactly how to proceed this time out. I will have had the time apart to have a clear head in order to make an informed decision on whether or not pursue it again.

 

Sorry for the long reply. I have been thinking about this lately and wanted to get it off my chest.

 

Some advice, niceguy.

 

She is with someone else. Remember that. If she REALLY loved you for all your flaws, she would not have walked away. Words do not tell the truth about how someone feels -- ACTIONS do. It's what people DO that really reveals what they feel in their heart.

 

Had she truly felt the way you are describing she simply would not have walked away from you. Remember that, always.

 

Now what you need to do is put out any thoughts of a reconciliation. The odds of you two (or anyone after a breakup) getting back together are extremely small. Something like less than 5%.

 

Would you take your life savings and invest it into a stock where you have only a 5% chance of a return? No, of course not! So why would you take your entire "emotional" life savings and bank it on someone who walked away from you? That makes no sense.

 

We burn so much of our emotional energy on to the "what if's" in our lives. You only have a limited amount of fuel in your emotional energy reserves. In order to be happy and find the right woman for you, you need to focus your emotional energy into making yourself happy, alone. Because, if you can not make yourself happy alone you will never be able to be happy in a relationship.

 

Everyone experiences many heartbreaks in their lives before they find the right one. Each breakup is simply a learning experience to teach us to better discern what the RIGHT relationship feels like (balanced, for example, where both are putting in 100% and it doesn't feel like "work").

 

Remember, women are attracted to how you make them FEEL, not what you do for them. Keep reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and you'll start to understand that respecting and loving yourself is tantamount to any happiness in relationships.

[niceguy27]

I finished the book yesterday. The stuff about the childhood were somewhat on. I could relate to it somewhat. The biggeset thing I got from it was depending on myself for happiness and not other people. Overall a good read. I read it in about a day and a half. Some of it applied to me but I consider myself a pretty well balanced person. I do what I want, own my own business, treat people with fairness. I realize now that I did depend on a little too much for my personal happiness but in no way do I believe I misplaced that with love.

 

I get that the overall consensus on these boards are to forget the ex and move on. That the ex's are evil people that deserve to be put out to the road. But there are plenty on here that still hold hope. Years and years later and still pining over them, maybe a little too much. But for the people on here who really "love" their ex and hold out hope that things will work out there is not a whole lot of positive attitudes for that on here.

 

Im not living in some pipe dream thinking that I will wait forever for her return. There has to be a combination of both self-improvement and a deep reflection on whether or not your ex is someone you think is worth fighting/waiting/hoping for. If they meet those requirements and you truly believe that the two of you bring the best out in each other, then why is that such a negative thing?

 

Sure circumstances are different with everyone and just because a person does something (see someone new right away, act cold, keep calling, cant let go, etc.) doesnt mean that you just boot em out and tell em to get lost and move on. Im not trying to be critical but the big picture gets lost in the shuffle of recent breakups. Focusing on yourself is the most important thing to do. If you do that long enough you can then make a clean decision about whether or not you still want to be with this person.

 

What about the possibility that they really are confused within themselves? Or they have personal things to work out? Do you just get them the next ticket out of town and say get lost? No. Let them be and keep some hope that things will work out. Dont change how you treat them. If you cant handle contact, go NC. If you feel you want to talk with them a bit, call them.

 

I'm just in a grumbling mood today.