Getting her stuff out of my house

[carrotgirl]

NiceGuy, today it was my good fortune to have a friend who spoke to me about my relationship with the ex in concepts I could grasp, maths. I won't say that suddenly everything made sense, but things were much easier for me to understand. In this way I was reminded of my favorite coping mechanism of all time, be true to yourself.

 

I take tremendous comfort in knowing that even if it turns out to be the wrong choice later, the choice I choose for myself is MY choice. I study it, grapple with it, risk on it, concede to it, you name it. It's one choice out of an infinite set with infinite possible outcomes and I chose it. No one else chooses for me.

 

Today at 3PM I made a choice. I shared a humorous business related e-mail. I did it because it was natural for me to want to share something funny. It was all of one minute's worth of contact. Big deal. It didn't hurt me.

 

The way I see it, NC is for protection. It protects the person who wants to be in contact from the person who doesn't want to be in contact. I don't have a situation like that. My ex wants to be in contact. He wants the contact on his terms. It's still contact and in my view, no different than if we were together. The options remain the same at all times.

 

I've learned that people who want to be in contact generally will be. Friends, relatives, lovers. All the same. The same way he made a decision to break up, he makes the decision to be a friend. No disrespect to those with strong feelings otherwise, I don't think this is an ego trip for him. I think I'm a cool friend to have and he values me enough to want to preserve that portion of the relationship.

 

It's not easier or harder either way to know there is no one else in his life. It's not easier or harder to know he's so attracted to me physically that it clouds his judgment. It's all give and take. I'm glad there's no one else he likes better than me. I'm sorry I don't have anything to cushion the utter rejection of me. So why then does he want to be friends if he rejected me as the love of his life? Who knows? He may not know. All he knows is what is wanted at the time. Friendship's not any different than being together except there is no sex.

 

I like sex more than anyone I know and I'm willing to make that trade for now. I lived quite a while without sex before and the friends I made were pretty good friends. I don't think sex is going to be the price of my friendship now. Really, how would it sound if I was a guy and said, I don't want to hang out with you unless you have sex with me? And we think it's perfectly reasonable for a woman to say, I want to hang out but I don't want to have sex. Why can't we afford my ex the same concession?

 

I have to believe that right or wrong, I'm making the right choice for myself at the time. And if that's how I feel about myself, logically, I know that's what my ex is doing for himself. We're so similar. When my head is clear, I accept that he's doing the best for himself and possibly he is trying to give to me too because it's what I would want to do.

 

There are lots of things men and women say to each other to be loving, to make the other person feel loved. Just because a sentiment is not the same all the time doesn't mean it was a lie when it was expressed. Perhaps I didn't understand something important and he got so frustrated with my lack of understanding that breaking up was the only expression he thought he had left? What's left now is he's still trying to talk to me.

 

Maybe you and your ex have things you want to talk to each other about? Maybe that talk is not all words too?

 

Carrot

[CaliGuy]

I finished the book yesterday. The stuff about the childhood were somewhat on. I could relate to it somewhat. The biggeset thing I got from it was depending on myself for happiness and not other people. Overall a good read. I read it in about a day and a half. Some of it applied to me but I consider myself a pretty well balanced person. I do what I want, own my own business, treat people with fairness. I realize now that I did depend on a little too much for my personal happiness but in no way do I believe I misplaced that with love.

 

I get that the overall consensus on these boards are to forget the ex and move on. That the ex's are evil people that deserve to be put out to the road. But there are plenty on here that still hold hope. Years and years later and still pining over them, maybe a little too much. But for the people on here who really "love" their ex and hold out hope that things will work out there is not a whole lot of positive attitudes for that on here.

 

Im not living in some pipe dream thinking that I will wait forever for her return. There has to be a combination of both self-improvement and a deep reflection on whether or not your ex is someone you think is worth fighting/waiting/hoping for. If they meet those requirements and you truly believe that the two of you bring the best out in each other, then why is that such a negative thing?

 

Sure circumstances are different with everyone and just because a person does something (see someone new right away, act cold, keep calling, cant let go, etc.) doesnt mean that you just boot em out and tell em to get lost and move on. Im not trying to be critical but the big picture gets lost in the shuffle of recent breakups. Focusing on yourself is the most important thing to do. If you do that long enough you can then make a clean decision about whether or not you still want to be with this person.

 

What about the possibility that they really are confused within themselves? Or they have personal things to work out? Do you just get them the next ticket out of town and say get lost? No. Let them be and keep some hope that things will work out. Dont change how you treat them. If you cant handle contact, go NC. If you feel you want to talk with them a bit, call them.

 

I'm just in a grumbling mood today.

 

The problem I see with your thought process is you are hoping/praying/pining away that she will change her heart. Very rarely does that happen. With women, they check out of relationships much sooner then actually breaking things off. Your girlfriend is probably no different. By the time she broke up with you she had long moved on emotionally.

 

You need to do the same. You can not control her, you don't have any control whatsoever over her or her decisions. The reason people tell you to move on and forget about them is because sooner or later, you're going to have to. So why delay the healing process?

 

And when are healed up you will see your ex for who she truly is and realize it wasn't a good fit. And wait, just wait brother, until the right one comes along. You'll be thanking the Good Lord that He didn't pair you up with your ex.

 

Trust me on that one.

[niceguy27]

Yes I still am holding out hope. I dont see the problem with it right now. Now if it was 6 mo. to a year later and I am still feeling this way I could see that its a problem. I am not ready to quite give it up yet. At least not in a way that I am trying to "forget her."

 

So I am doing this in steps. I may still miss and want her back but I have these little cards around the house that remind me that she left me and I deserve better. Now that I have cut her out completely (no physical attachments left), I feel better because she now has no ties to me whatsoever. It makes it more of a finality in both our eyes. I can start to move on and she will have to face up to the fact that I am not on the "back burner" anymore.

 

Anyway, I called her a few days after she came and got most of her stuff. Left her another voicemail and told her that I was going to be very busy this week and I needed to know when this was going to be done. Didnt hear from her for 2 days. Finally got to talk to her about it and I just flat out said I am done doing this on her time. Its my time now and I need her to finish this now. I also told her to bring my spare key over as she still has one and that I want it back. It felt a little good adding that last part to the conversation because I know that hit a soft spot with her about the key. Well that sure as hell worked. The rest of it will be gone tomorrow. I feel good about finally being stern with her.

[CaliGuy]

Yes I still am holding out hope. I dont see the problem with it right now.

 

How long do you want to delay healing up completely?

How long do you want to delay meeting Ms. Right?

 

Holding out hope is putting the progress of your life...on HOLD.

 

Now if it was 6 mo. to a year later and I am still feeling this way I could see that its a problem. I am not ready to quite give it up yet. At least not in a way that I am trying to "forget her."

 

Right. So what you're saying is you are willing to delay healing, to delay your life moving ahead until such a time as you're satisfied your ex is not coming back, then you'll heal? Brother I have bad news for you. The odds of your ex (or anyone's ex) coming back to slim to none. If I was a betting man, I'd say the odds are about 1% or less.

 

Do you really want to put your life on hold for those kinds of odds? I sure as heck wouldn't.

 

So I am doing this in steps. I may still miss and want her back but I have these little cards around the house that remind me that she left me and I deserve better. Now that I have cut her out completely (no physical attachments left), I feel better because she now has no ties to me whatsoever. It makes it more of a finality in both our eyes. I can start to move on and she will have to face up to the fact that I am not on the "back burner" anymore.

 

Do yourself a favor and get rid of the cards as well.

 

Anyway, I called her a few days after she came and got most of her stuff. Left her another voicemail and told her that I was going to be very busy this week and I needed to know when this was going to be done. Didnt hear from her for 2 days. Finally got to talk to her about it and I just flat out said I am done doing this on her time. Its my time now and I need her to finish this now. I also told her to bring my spare key over as she still has one and that I want it back. It felt a little good adding that last part to the conversation because I know that hit a soft spot with her about the key. Well that sure as hell worked. The rest of it will be gone tomorrow. I feel good about finally being stern with her.

 

Being "stern" with her is one thing. Actually meaning it is another. My guess is you're doing this to try and force her hand in the hope that maybe she'll come back to you and admit to making a mistake. Not going to happen, my friend. She has another guy and that's all you need to know.

 

I would just change the locks, delete whatever reminders are left of her (or at least box them up and store them away) and focus on myself 100% and moving on. And before you say anything, I've been there. I've been right where you are and I wish I had worked on myself sooner rather than later. I wish I had taken the same advice I am giving you much sooner...

[polywog]

Hi NiceGuy, Just want to throw my 2cents in. I read your posts, and felt for you intensely. If you want my story, read my threads, but the gist of it is the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with ended it in january after 9 years, met another woman right away that he is still with and who has moved in to the home (our home that I had to leave) and replaced me. Not unlike many awful stories here.

 

I struggled terrbily with wanting him back for months, yet ended up moving on despite myself. This is because I ended up focussing on myself and my own happiness through all the misery, and I got loads of help from the great posters on this site. It was Not Easy, not at all. I saw a therapist and gave myself room to grieve. And I went on with my life and went out a lot and did new things, had a lot of significant reconnection to myself and Life. Hung around with people who got me and who I am, for one thing, and followed my joy, unencumbered.

 

I was still missing him, and wishing he would want me back, though in retrospect I think this became more of an ego thing, because I think I was outgrowing him. I have to say that I really loved him, but the guy did not love me back.... he liked me, but didn't want to be with me. Oh, the Pain!

 

BUT... It Got Better! Then I met someone New, a man that I believe, even know, is IT. He "gets me", loves me, is my equal every way including his honesty with himself. Even better, we share every value that I can think of, and he makes my mind sing (and my body, too), we communicate (!), he's not afraid of emotions, and best of all he makes me laugh. I feel nothing but Joy, and I am old enough to say that it's beyond the usual drug-like craziness that new love brings. It happened in less than a year, and my suspicions of "rebound" were there, but have been dashed. What I'm saying here is that if this can happen to me, it can happen to You, or anyone. Let her go, let yourself feel crappy about it, but just keep moving forward. Who knows what's out there for you? I think someone that you really deserve!

 

I don't mean to make this about myself, it's just that I wanted to give you hope. I repeat, If it can happen to me, and it sure did, and it's happened to others here, it can happen to you, when you let go (and the time will come when you do).... even if it doesn't feel like it now. It's worth having Faith

[niceguy27]

thanks a lot poly for that response. i have been pretty focused on myself lately and that is why i waited so long to write this. yes i did take out everything about analyzing her feelings and toned it down quite a bit to reflect how i see th situation. so in my opinion its a pretty honest no bs letter.

 

i intend to talk to her about these things when she comes to finish getting her things. its only been a month so i know i still miss her wholly but i have also found it easier now to tuck the feelings i have for her away for a later time if things work out.

 

she was the fist person i have been with that i didnt have to change who i was. she accepted me for who i am and i did the same with her. i was even going to ask her to marry me after christmas. this is why i dont have a problem giving her this letter. she knows me well enough to know the intentions of this. it doesnt say anything about asking her to come back or pleading and begging. it gets to reasons why i pushed her away...starting to become clingy, needy, and losing sight of my own innr happiness. didnt know that at the time but after some good reading i see now what had happened.

 

i know that things will get better. especially after hearing your story. that is why i am keeping some hope. not all my eggs in one basket but i cant just give up and walk so soon without being honest with myself and her. imagine if everyone decided to walk and forget about someone they loved? everyone would be single.

 

sometimes love is worth fighting for. not at th expense of our own livelyhood of course but you know what i mean