Is my fiance liable to cheat or is cheating?

[Crystal Michelle]

Hello,

 

First I want to say I am so happy that I found this forum. I feel a lot of support here and I hope you all can help me or give me some advice on my relationship issues....

 

My fiance and I have been together for a year and a half and for the past 3 weeks I feel like he does not want to spend time with me anymore. He works on the phones at a call center helping people with their bills and setting up their internet. I use to work there as a computer technician so I know what kind of job he has. He usually goes in at 7AM and does not get home until 11PM. He's always working overtime. He even works on his days off. I understand that he's tired but it's not like he's framing houses sweating and killing himself every day. I make sure he has supper waiting for him when he comes home, I keep his clothes washed and keep the house clean. When he comes home all he does is grab his plate I fixed him and he goes in his den to eat, log onto the internet and watch tv. Beforehand, when he came home he would always give me a kiss and hug me and tell me how much he loves me. Now he just bypasses me like I'm not even here. I feel like we are not even in a relationship but more on the lines of roommates. He does not kiss me like he use to, blow me kisses or touch me, etc. I can't remember the last time we've been intimate with each other.

 

His days off are Thursday's and Friday's. Last week he worked on Thursday; Friday we went to Huntsville, AL so he could fix the axle on the car at a friend's house. He knows how to do stuff like that so I trust him working on my car. While we were there he did not pay any attention to me. Usually when we are at his friends house he hugs me, kisses me, blows me a kiss but nothing like that happened. I do not know why I even went with him. A couple of nights ago I asked him what is he doing on his days off. He said he is working Thursday and then he is going to check on a truck someone has and Friday he is working all day on someone's car. I'm thinking when are you going to make time for me?

 

For the past couple of days something has been telling me to check his cell phone. A girl he works with named Mandy has been calling him and he has been calling her. I checked it today before he went into work and she called him last night at 10:47PM. I guess this happened while he was headed home and she called him again at 9 something. I checked his recent received and dialed calls and have been keeping up with this. I'm not the jealous type so I do not think much of it but have been noticing they have been calling each other every day and night.

 

A few weeks ago he told me that they have become good friends and that Mandy told him she has some relationship issues with her boyfriend cheating on her and so on. Then along with that he had the nerve to tell me that she would go out with him if he didn't have a girlfriend. It didn't bother me all that much but since I have been doing some research online about why couples break up....one of those reasons is because that person cheated on their significant other with someone they work with. Then I read something about the cell phone on how the cheater would always keep the phone with them, keep it on silent and would go into the next room when he/she got a call. I have noticed he is always keeping the phone with him and it is always on silent. I really do not know if he does go into the next room to talk because he is always confined to his den.

 

He has always told me he is not the cheating kind and he has never cheated and he will never cheat on me. So I believed him but something isn't right. I am depressed and lonely and I am starting to feel distant. I have talked with him and all he says is that he cannot help that he has to work. I feel like he is cheating but I feel like I do not have enough evidence to really say he is. I'm tempted to higher Cheaters to investigate.

 

Do ya'll have any good advice for me on what I should do? I have never been in a relationship like this and my mind is pulling me in all kinds of ways.

[annieo]

Sorry, but it all sounds a little fishy to me. First of all, he seems to have "mentionitis", where someone keeps mentioning someone, their life and problems. He's admitted that she admitted that she "would be" interested in him if he was single. I would take that as "is interested" especially considering that she has relationship problems.

Plus, if you are not usually the jealous type and all of the sudden you are getting that suspicious feeling, I would take that as a sign that you instinctively know thaat something is amiss. His distant behavior doesn't help.

Is there anyway you could have an honest discussion with him? Maybe not about what you think might be happening, but about the distance you feel from him? Might be illuminating. Good luck and don't be afraid to trust your gut feelings.

[whichwayisup]

This girl is a cancer to your relationship and I hate to tell you this, but he's already in an emotional affair with her...Meaning, he's getting too close to her, and he's allowing her to become too close to him. They both are having inappropriate conversations, her telling him: Then along with that he had the nerve to tell me that she would go out with him if he didn't have a girlfriend...Honest friendships between men and women do not say stuff like that to eachother! Plus, the significant others are usually involved as well. Has she met you?

 

She is in contact with him waaaayyy too much. Listen to your gut. If it feels uneasy and you are seeing some red flags, then something is wrong! The way he is around you, no kissing, cuddling, spending one on one time with you, heading off asap when he gets home to his computer...I'm guessing they probably talk online and exchange emails too.

 

TALK TO HIM and tell him how you feel. In his mind he feels he isn't cheating on you, but in a sense he IS! He is giving his attention to another woman, focussing on her and not on you. He is not meeting your needs. You are lonely and unhappy.

 

Please, postpone your engagement/wedding until this issue is resolved. This woman more than likely doesn't care and isn't thinking of you and the damage shes' doing by befriending your fiance. And him too...Time for him to wake up!!

[Crystal Michelle]

WOW! What a quick response! Thanks!

 

annieo - I have talked with him and he says that he is sorry that he is working a lot and I told him I want to spend some time with him and he says he will when he is not busy. I feel like he is putting everything before me.

 

whichwayisup - I have never met her. He's even told me what she looks like, how many kids she has and stuff like that. I have not seen any emails or IM's between the two. I DO NOT like to snoop in someone else's personal space but I just felt like I had to after I noticed their communication on the phone. He knows that if he does talk to her through the internet I will find out. It doesn't matter if he puts a password on his computer or not. I know my way around computers and I can get into his computer easy and I have told him that many times.

[norajane]

Are you certain he's actually working all those hours? Because 'work' is often the excuse cheaters use when they're having an affair.

 

And if he is working so much, why? Does he have to work from 7 to 11 every day and on his days off? That's pretty excessive. Is there any way he can change jobs so he can get paid more, while working fewer hours?

 

Your relationship is suffering because of his hours. You're disconnecting from each other because you barely spend any time together. And yes, if he has all that time to talk to another woman, then he has time to TALK with you, too. Or, he should have time.

[Crystal Michelle]

Hi norajane!

 

He says he is working those hours every day but I have not looked at his check stub but he does make a lot on his check. I do not understand why he has to work on his days off either. I asked him and he said we need the money. I then told him you do not have to work on your days off. Not working those two days is not going to put a whole in how much you make.

 

What you said about if he has time to talk to another woman he can talk to me.....I have never thought of it that way.

[annieo]

I agree with Nora Jane. The working thing sounds like a lame excuse. Plus, repeatedly helping out buddies with their car problems (even if it's true) is not work. It's a choice. Put your foot down. You can't be treated like a doormat unless you allow it. Don't allow it.

[StaringContest]

Possible cheating aside, it doesn't sound like this is the type of relationship you want to be in. Talk to him again. Tell him you're not happy about the situation.

 

No need to even mention the other girl. The main issue here is your needs not getting met. If he's unwilling or able to meet them (whether it's because of another girl or not), it's time to find someone who can.

[Crystal Michelle]

Thanks, annieo. I understand where you are getting at. Him working I agree is a lame excuss. My parents worked and they had a wonderful relationship because they always found the time to communicate and spend time with one another. My dad NEVER came home and just walked by and go to a room and stay there until he is ready for bed.

 

I've never got between him working on other people's cars because that is what he enjoys so it's hard to me to say he can't do it. Maybe I should get with a friend and follow him on certain days.

[norajane]

Hi norajane!

 

He says he is working those hours every day but I have not looked at his check stub but he does make a lot on his check. I do not understand why he has to work on his days off either. I asked him and he said we need the money. I then told him you do not have to work on your days off. Not working those two days is not going to put a whole in how much you make.

 

What you said about if he has time to talk to another woman he can talk to me.....I have never thought of it that way.

 

Table the other woman issue for the moment. Sit your bf down one day and tell him some of the things you wrote here in your first post - that you see that you spend very little time together, that he doesn't kiss you hello when he comes home from work, that you haven't had sex in a long time, and that no matter how much money he thinks he needs, it's really not worth destroying a relationship due to lack of time. Ask him if he thinks the money is worth it if he's too tired and too busy to actually enjoy being with you? Is that the kind of life he wants?

 

Tell him the things you'd like to do with him on his days off, the fun you'd like to have, the sexy lingerie you've piled up waiting for the opportunity to wear it (buy some if you don't have any, ), draw a word picture of the kind of relationship you'd like to have with him. Ask him how he'd like your relationship to be.

 

And then ask him to help you in making your relationship better before you both lose it. Discuss and agree on specific things you'll do: no working on his days off, or if he does work one day, then he has to keep the other day free for your relationship; you will call each other while he is driving home, so you'll have that time to chat together, so when he gets there, you're already kinda on the same wavelength; maybe certain days while he's working, you can drop by with some coffee and he can take a short break with you? And talk about SEX - like, when is a good time to have it. Maybe you can both get up an hour earlier sometimes and have sex before he goes to work? Maybe he leaves a couple hours early one night during the week, and you go out to dinner and have sex when you get home?

 

If he's up for it, then give that some time, and see if things improve. THEN tackle the other woman issue.

 

If things don't improve or he doesn't even want to try (or doesn't even want to have this conversation with you), then you have to take a closer look at the other woman issue. She could be sucking all his emotional energy from his relationship with you even if he isn't having an affair with her.

[Crystal Michelle]

Possible cheating aside, it doesn't sound like this is the type of relationship you want to be in. Talk to him again. Tell him you're not happy about the situation.

 

No need to even mention the other girl. The main issue here is your needs not getting met. If he's unwilling or able to meet them (whether it's because of another girl or not), it's time to find someone who can.

 

I will try and talk to him again. If I can I will do it tonight and post on here what he says and does. I have been thinking about leaving him but I want to try and work it out first but if he is cheating he is out the door.

[StaringContest]

I will try and talk to him again. If I can I will do it tonight and post on here what he says and does. I have been thinking about leaving him but I want to try and work it out first but if he is cheating he is out the door.

 

Good luck.

 

Just in case you missed it between your last posts:

 

Table the other woman issue for the moment. Sit your bf down one day and tell him some of the things you wrote here in your first post - that you see that you spend very little time together, that he doesn't kiss you hello when he comes home from work, that you haven't had sex in a long time, and that no matter how much money he thinks he needs, it's really not worth destroying a relationship due to lack of time. Ask him if he thinks the money is worth it if he's too tired and too busy to actually enjoy being with you? Is that the kind of life he wants?

 

Tell him the things you'd like to do with him on his days off, the fun you'd like to have, the sexy lingerie you've piled up waiting for the opportunity to wear it (buy some if you don't have any, ), draw a word picture of the kind of relationship you'd like to have with him. Ask him how he'd like your relationship to be.

 

And then ask him to help you in making your relationship better before you both lose it. Discuss and agree on specific things you'll do: no working on his days off, or if he does work one day, then he has to keep the other day free for your relationship; you will call each other while he is driving home, so you'll have that time to chat together, so when he gets there, you're already kinda on the same wavelength; maybe certain days while he's working, you can drop by with some coffee and he can take a short break with you? And talk about SEX - like, when is a good time to have it. Maybe you can both get up an hour earlier sometimes and have sex before he goes to work? Maybe he leaves a couple hours early one night during the week, and you go out to dinner and have sex when you get home?

 

If he's up for it, then give that some time, and see if things improve. THEN tackle the other woman issue.

 

If things don't improve or he doesn't even want to try (or doesn't even want to have this conversation with you), then you have to take a closer look at the other woman issue. She could be sucking all his emotional energy from his relationship with you even if he isn't having an affair with her.

 

This is gold.

[Crystal Michelle]

Table the other woman issue for the moment. Sit your bf down one day and tell him some of the things you wrote here in your first post - that you see that you spend very little time together, that he doesn't kiss you hello when he comes home from work, that you haven't had sex in a long time, and that no matter how much money he thinks he needs, it's really not worth destroying a relationship due to lack of time. Ask him if he thinks the money is worth it if he's too tired and too busy to actually enjoy being with you? Is that the kind of life he wants?

 

Tell him the things you'd like to do with him on his days off, the fun you'd like to have, the sexy lingerie you've piled up waiting for the opportunity to wear it (buy some if you don't have any, ), draw a word picture of the kind of relationship you'd like to have with him. Ask him how he'd like your relationship to be.

 

And then ask him to help you in making your relationship better before you both lose it. Discuss and agree on specific things you'll do: no working on his days off, or if he does work one day, then he has to keep the other day free for your relationship; you will call each other while he is driving home, so you'll have that time to chat together, so when he gets there, you're already kinda on the same wavelength; maybe certain days while he's working, you can drop by with some coffee and he can take a short break with you? And talk about SEX - like, when is a good time to have it. Maybe you can both get up an hour earlier sometimes and have sex before he goes to work? Maybe he leaves a couple hours early one night during the week, and you go out to dinner and have sex when you get home?

 

If he's up for it, then give that some time, and see if things improve. THEN tackle the other woman issue.

 

If things don't improve or he doesn't even want to try (or doesn't even want to have this conversation with you), then you have to take a closer look at the other woman issue. She could be sucking all his emotional energy from his relationship with you even if he isn't having an affair with her.

 

THANK YOU SO MUCH! I will try this! Only one thing I know for sure will not work....sex in the morning. We've only had sex one time in the morning and that was sometime last year but will try to make it work!

[KenzieAbsolutely]

norajane said all i wanted to say.

 

do you ever go into the den when he's in there?

[Crystal Michelle]

norajane said all i wanted to say.

 

do you ever go into the den when he's in there?

 

Oh yes many times! I go in there just to see what he's doing. You know just trying to start up a conversation and then sometimes I just go in there to give him some loving.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Oh yes many times! I go in there just to see what he's doing. You know just trying to start up a conversation and then sometimes I just go in there to give him some loving.

 

okay...and what happens? is he receptive to you? does he ignore you? does he start clicking his mouse furiously to hide what you see?

[Crystal Michelle]

Well, when I walk in he says hey baby and he does close a window on his screen but I know he is looking at porn but surprisingly it doesn't bother me. I do not know why he does that and I've told him exactly this..."You know you do not have to close your window every time I walk in. I know what you are looking at." And he doesn't say anything.

[Whyme_wtf]

Let us know how your "heart to heart" talk goes.

Be open and honest and remember you have a right to your own feelings and opinions. He should if anything respect them as well as you too.

[Crystal Michelle]

Well, I tried my best to stay up and wait for him to come home but I was so tired and finally decided to go to bed. When he came to bed I was thinking this is my chance. I'm so distant that I have become this shy person like the first time we met and it took me a few minutes to say something.

 

I started the conversation by asking him is he still working Thursday and he said yes but not the entire day. I asked about Friday and he said yes. I asked I thought you was working on that guys car? He said he already has it fixed and he's working till 5:30pm. So I asked why can't you see if you can get Friday off and he said he doesn't know. Then I asked about next week and he said he will have to see what kind of overtime his boss is offering. Then he asked why. I'm thinking....is he in this much denial?! I told him I just want to spend sometime with you. He did not say anything. I asked him you know what? He said what? I replied I'm not happy and surprisingly HE DID NOT SAY A WORD.

 

After that I got up and went into the bathroom and bawled like a little baby. I know I didn't get all of my feelings out right then. I was prepared but when he did not say anything after I told him I was not happy I'm thinking what's the use in continuing expressing my feelings. So I went back in the bedroom and got my pillows and just sleep on th couch like I do sometimes.

 

Maybe I should try again after he comes home tonight. Last night really hit me hard and I slept all day so I should not have any problem waiting up for him even though I still feel like crap.

[Whyme_wtf]

The no comment is the method that many use to deny. It is like if they say nothing at all there can be nothing to argue about. But ommission is just as much as a lie.

If you can't get him to say or do anything by asking simple questions, then I think you have the answer as well.

Stay strong. Don't give up your feelings and respect.

Do whatever you need to do. Take some time for you then.

[Crystal Michelle]

Thanks. Do you think I should try and talk to him again? I only got out the part that I'm not happy. After he didn't say anything I ended that conversation and was like that's it. I'm not expressing how I feel.

 

The one thing I love about our relationship is that we never argue or raise our voices toward each other. If we feel like something is bothering us we always talk it over in a calm, respectful way.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

it doesn't seem like there is too much you can do, or maybe it just seems to me like he isn't worth it.

 

if you tell someone who is supposed to love you that you are unhappy, they should at least react. he didn't. he does not care that you are unhappy.

 

and you know what? it doesn't matter if he cares. the fact remains that you ARE unhappy, regardless of what he thinks about it. i would drop this guy and move on to someone who has some semblance of a personality...and some heart.

[norajane]

Thanks. Do you think I should try and talk to him again? I only got out the part that I'm not happy. After he didn't say anything I ended that conversation and was like that's it. I'm not expressing how I feel.

 

The one thing I love about our relationship is that we never argue or raise our voices toward each other. If we feel like something is bothering us we always talk it over in a calm, respectful way.

 

So talk it over!

 

All you did was say you weren't happy. He was probably waiting for you to continue, to tell him what was on your mind. And you ran away?

[whichwayisup]

I can't believe he didn't go after you. Did he hear you cry? Maybe you need to cry infront of him and tell him how you feel. LAY IT ALL OUT ON TABLE for him. The girl he's talking to, how it makes you feel, ALL your suspicions of him getting too close to her, how you feel it's inappropriate.

 

I think most men have a hard time opening up, let alone having to talk after being put on the spot. Give him a day to think and digest...With that being said, you can't be afraid of talking to him. Not knowing what he is thinking or feeling is the worst so you need to settle this one way or another. IF he isn't willing to work hard and put in the effort, then do not marry the guy.

[Crystal Michelle]

So talk it over!

 

All you did was say you weren't happy. He was probably waiting for you to continue, to tell him what was on your mind. And you ran away?

 

After I told him he just turned over and went to sleep. Right when he comes in after work I will tell him how I am unhappy and lonely I am then I will mention I'm starting to become distant.

 

I use to NEVER be shy to tell him how I feel. Do you think it's because I'm starting to become distant from him?