Is my fiance liable to cheat or is cheating?

[whichwayisup]

I think you're scared, rightfully so. I mean, by opening up, you're making yourself vunerable...But, it has to be a chance you take if you wanna find out what is going on inside of him.

[norajane]

After I told him he just turned over and went to sleep.

 

Sleep?

 

Well, he's avoiding the discussion.

 

Right when he comes in after work I will tell him how I am unhappy and lonely I am then I will mention I'm starting to become distant.

 

I use to NEVER be shy to tell him how I feel. Do you think it's because I'm starting to become distant from him?

I think it's because he's become distant from you. You're having a hard time crossing the distance he's put between you.

[Crystal Michelle]

I think you're scared, rightfully so. I mean, by opening up, you're making yourself vunerable...But, it has to be a chance you take if you wanna find out what is going on inside of him.

 

I've thought about it I think you're right. I'm scared to tell him how I feel and I'm scared on how he is going to take it and what his response is. That scares me the most but I know if I do not come out and say something this is going to keep building up and I know that by talking it out will make me feel better even if it does not turn out the way I want it.

[whichwayisup]

If you love him and want this to work, then fight for it, give it your best! But, if he is unwilling to try, or even open up, then you do not wanna be married to someone like that...Imagine your life 10 years from now with 2 or 3 children and he's acting like he is now?? That's just immaturity and he needs to grow up and BE an adult and TALK this out with you. You both have to really 'hear' eachother, and hopefully together you can work through whatever it is.

[Crystal Michelle]

Here is the update:

 

After he got home he sat down with me and asked me why I am unhappy. I told him because I do not ever see you. It took him a minute or two for him to get out what his feelings are because he said that he has never expressed his feelings before in a relationship. He said for the past few months he has not been happy. That came a shock to me because to me he seemed happy but not as happy in the past few weeks. He has all these feelings and thoughts balled up inside that he cannot explain and that it's him and not me. Hearing that I feel like I'm living a Lifetime movie or something.

 

I asked him is it someone one else he said no and that his love for me is not as strong as it use to be and he needs some space. I told him I do not think that is the answer especially for me. I said not seeing you or spending time with you is the reason my feelings aren't as strong anymore. I asked him do you not want to be with me or see me. He said he does and I told him well when someone says they want some space to me that person does not want to be around that person anymore. I asked him when did these feelings start and he said a little while after he moved here with me and he said it's not the move or not being around his friends or anything like that. He said that he has more friends from work than he did living in Huntsville. He did say that he thinks it's best if he moves out but he still loves me and he wants to try to work things out. But now he is saying he doesn't know if he is sure about moving out or not.

 

I mentioned something about him always coming home late and he told me that when he gets off work he sits out in the parking lot or goes to Walmart walking around for an hour thinking about different things for the past couple of weeks. He says this is not a break up and that he still loves me but he just cannot explain these thoughts and feelings he keeps having. He told me in past relationships he would not express his feelings and he would end up making his girlfriends mad to where they would end up leaving and he told me he does not want that to happen with me and that's why he is telling me all of this. He keeps saying I'm sorry baby and he doesn't want me to hate him.

 

He asked me if I still have love him like I use to and I just could not answer him. I just sat there thinking because I do not know anymore. All of this is just overwhelming. After all of this, now I can barely look him in the eye. I told him maybe we need to make some changes. Like him always staying in his den on his computer and watching tv and said I do not know why you have always done that. He said before he started his new job he started feeling this way. He said he does not know if he wants to marry me or not. He wants to but then he doesn't want to.

 

I do not know what to do now! He said he doesn't want to break my heart which I think he has just a little bit and I'm even more sad and lonely than I was. He really doesn't know if him needing his space is the answer but doesn't know what else to do and that is the only thing he can think of.

[gerrygirl]

I give credit to everyone who has responded with maturity... but here is my advice.... this sounds like the beginnings, if not a full blown office affair. I've worked my ass off for most of my young career and I've been a passer-by of endless office affairs, trust me, this is textbook! You could try talking to him, but it sounds like he's already lying to you on a daily basis, so it's time to snoop. Sadly, you have to, because if you don't find proof, he will deny it forever. Once you have proof, confront him and go from there. Either he's a coward and still denies it, or he'll be a real man with remorse, and thats when the real conversation about the next step can begin. Good luck!

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

I agree with GerryGirl - this is textbook office affair. Textbook.

 

All the signs are there, the red flags are waving all over the place. I don't believe for a second that he's hanging out in the parking lot after work, or walking through WalMart every night, thinking deeply. That's utterly absurd.

 

And the excuse he gave you for his office friend calling, "she's having relationship problems" is that same bullsh*t excuse they all seem to use. Geez, you'd think they'd udate the Cheater's Handbook and give these guys a better excuse for their excessive contact with their OW. I mean, seriously, that's the excuse they ALL use.

 

I guess where you're lucky is that your fiance isn't trying to pretend everything is just fine and marry you - while still keeping this gal on the side. Alot of them do that. So I suppose I'll give your guy a tiny bit more credit than the rest of them.

 

I also don't believe for one second that it's porn he's closing out when you walk into his den. Not for a second. Oh, he might have porn on his screen from time to time, but I'm betting the farm he's also chatting or emailing with this gal and THAT'S what he's been minimizing when you walk in the room.

 

It's almost embarrassing how textbook and cliche his behavior really is. It's classic.

 

You know what? When your gut is SCREAMING to you that something is wrong, it's usually right. Don't ignore it.

 

I'm really sorry this has happened. You didn't do anything to deserve it and sound like a wonderfully loving and supportive woman. I'm truly sorry it's come to this.

[norajane]

I mentioned something about him always coming home late and he told me that when he gets off work he sits out in the parking lot or goes to Walmart walking around for an hour thinking about different things for the past couple of weeks.

 

So, he's not actually working late - he lied to you about that. Isn't that when his cell phone shows he's been talking to that girl from work? My guess is that's what he does when he gets off work. He meets with her.

 

And the days off when he is working...that's probably not about the money, right? It's his way of being out of the house.

And all the fixing of cars on his day off...that's also about him being out of the house and away from you.

 

Take the pre-emptive strike. Give him his space. Tell him if he wants space, then you will give it to him - he needs to move out.

 

Or suggest that you two start going to couples counseling so he can start to express all those feelings inside that he can't seem to talk to you about...but is probably talking to that other woman about.

[whichwayisup]

He just brushed the woman co-worker situation under the carpet. I'm sorry, but she IS a factor in all this.

 

Honestly though, if he cannot express his feelings and thoughts to the woman he was supposed to marry, and if he cannot put in the effort and change for the better, he isn't worth marrying. Obviously he has issues and he needs to grow up and be a man before he is ready to get married.

[whichwayisup]

Oops, sorry, I hit reply too soon.

 

He is having an emotional affair (hopefully it isn't physical yet) with this OW. His feelings, his confusion, ALL has to do with this other woman. Everyone else is right on this! You gut has even told you that something has been 'off' for quite a while.

[Crystal Michelle]

Thank you guys so much for taking the time to give me advice. Even though he said it isn't someone else I'm with ya'll and I still think it is. I just do not have any solid evidence! Just a gut feeling. Something is playing in the back of my mind I want to catch him so I can end it right here and right now. I want and need to go to his work, sit in the parking lot so I can see what he does right after he gets off work but I do not want to be played out as a stalker and I do not think I have what it takes to do that.

 

Last night I checked his phone and I noticed Mandy called him at 9:40pm and then called again at 9:48pm. I can't remember when he called her back because I was still so strummed out that I didn't make a note of it but I know it was around that time. Then I came across a text message he sent to her saying "it's not your fault". I'm thinking oooook, what's not her fault you know. He said he does text and this is the first one I've come across because I know he deletes them. I'm getting the urge to go to Huntsville and stop by the Spy store and get something to tab the cell phone. Or can you do that to a cell phone?

 

I have not found anything between the two on his computer. I did feel the need to install spy software that tracks everything that is done on the computer like emails, IM, what websites are seen, etc. Surprisingly it does work! I tested it and it sent me an email showing me EVERYTHING where and what I was doing on his computer in 10 minutes! I'm like WOW! This is some good stuff!

[Jinnah]

Good idea about the spy equipment. I would probably see what he did after work just to know for sure so you can get out of this situation ASAP if he is cheating (which it sadly sounds like he is). Obviously don't do anything crazy if you find out he is... just leave. He's not worth it.

[StaringContest]

Well Crystal, my thought is that once you have to resort to sneaking and spying, the relationship is already over. If you feel like you need to have the proof in hand before you dump him, then I guess you should try to get it. But if you feel like you can end it without the proof, just do it. There's no point in staying in a relationship where you don't trust your SO.