Augh!

[starlite]

Wen got back together. Only a 5 day break up but he moved out. So now, we are going to live seperate for a while and see what happens with time. But we already got in a fight! He doesnt understand why I need him to compromise and tone down his going out late because he doesnt think it should hurt me.

 

I want to be happier about this getting back together, not dread it. I'm not dreading it, but I am stressing and I think we both just need to be happy...but how can I be when I am realizing he doesnt agree with the things i need, but is willing to try it and see if he can be happy.

 

He wants me to relax a bit...which i am a bit high strung and he made it clear he is not the only one who thinks so. How should I relax? Maybe I need to be way less needy (as if I am single and he is just around) and see how it works. I feel like I need to care less.

[niceguy27]

My ex and I fought over stuff like that for a while. Only looking back now do I realize I had a stick up my butt and never wanted to go out and have fun. I let my pride get the better of me then. She never did anything wrong, she just liked to go out and stay out. But...if thats not you, then it will be hard to accept that he may just be like that.

 

Good luck though.

[starlite]

Thank you for your reply!!!

 

It is just so hard. I cant go out during the week, I get up at 6:30am...and he wants to go out every Thursday until like 3 or 4. Then there is always something else too.

 

I go out some weekend nights ya know. I just asked him to tone it down. He wanted an absolute, and I couldnt give him one. I was like "I dont know, maybe one week you dont go....maybe one you only stay out until midnight, and then there can still be times you do stay out...just not every week, two times per week."

 

I just wish he would pretend and be ok with it cause what, are we suppossed to try again with me saying "I know this isnt how he wants to live his life".

 

We also have trust issues. He has told me a few lies in the past and although he apologizes, he always has some kind of reason for it regarding me and my reactions. I told him to stop blaming me, be a man and be honest. I dont EVER want to hear WHY he did it...just stop doing it all together.

[niceguy27]

Thats a big issue to get over. I was the homebody and she was the partyer. I had a business to run and she waitressed and was in school.

 

But I can tell you looking back now in hindsight, it was stubborness and pride that clouded the way I looked I perceived her partying. The trust thing is a hard thing to get over. And absolutes dont do anything for anyone. Try joining him more often. Have him hold off till the weekend so you can go or try to get the next day off so you can go with him the night before.

 

Just throwing ideas out there. If I can go back and change my behaviour I would in a heartbeat. It is better than losing them over something like that (thats how I feel in my situation).

[curiousnycgirl]

I understand your issue about lying - it is a deal breaker for me. If he lies, I walk.

 

However I do not understand your issue of his staying out late Thursday nights. Is he not entitled to go out without you? Certainly you can't have issues with how late he stays out - you are not his mother, you cannot set a curfew.

 

I think you need to decide if you trust this guy or not. If you do - then let him has his nights out. If you don't set him free.

[DH27]

I completely agree. If you trust him, then there is no reason why he should not be able to go out and have some fun. You should try going out with him some nights and have fun with him.

 

On the other hand... If you do not trust him, then you have bigger issues. But if he has given you no reason to not trust him (such as never cheating) then you should give him your trust.

[big_girls_rock]

If you expect him to comprimise with you with his comming home early, then you need to give him what he wants as well. You should both talk it out at go over what is and isn't acceptable, and what you are both able to lay aside in order to make it work.

[starlite]

Maybe part of the reason I dont like him out late is trust. He has lied to me in the past and always justifies it which drives me up a wall. So maybe I worry that he will fib again. Never lying again was part of the "terms" of us getting back together though.

 

Doesnt anyone out there think that being out until 3am is a bit extreme when it is on a weekly basis. I dont go because I get up at 6:30am.

 

He agreed to try and "tone it down" to see how that goes. It isnt just once a week.

[curiousnycgirl]

What has he lied about? If it was telling you he got home earlier than he actually had, I can understand why he would do it - based on your issue with his partying. What exactly do you not trust?

 

As far as 3 am being unreasonable - hey if you can do it and still function, why not? Trust me we all reach an age where we have to slow down a bit - some of us have happy memories of our earlier years, when we took advantage of being able to party - others look back with regrets and lots of "should haves."

 

When I was in my 20's I had a GREAT time. Partied like there was no tomorrow. But I was always at work on time if not early - and always got very favorable reviews, etc. Now that I am in my 40's, I remember those days fondly and only wish I still could.

[starlite]

One time he did lie about how late he was out...he said he just went one place until 2 but he was really out until 7 AM. Another lie, he emailed his ex...another, he told me he was alone playing pool but he was with a female friend of his (This i probably would have been ok with if it wasnt for the lie), another, he went to lunch with his ex's sister and left that out of the story. Another, he told me he was with 2 boys and his friends ex...and that he was only with his friends ex alone from like 3-3:30am...but he was really alone with her the whole time once the bar closed. He said they were talking behind the bar because he almost got in a fight with his friend.

 

So...those are the lies...pretty much all of them...well, i may have left a couple out. These stemmed within the last 2 years...one of them just happend (with his friends ex) about a week ago...the night before we broke up.