and now he's back aka twice suckered

[suffragette13]

[COLOR=black]I'm new here. I've been separated from my husband of 8 years for the last four months. He cheated on me again and this time he also claimed to have fallen in love. He had his first affair after we had been married about a year and a half. I didn't find out until our daughter was 6 weeks old-- three years into our marriage. It was my birthday. The girl contacted me. She was one of those sad idiotic types who didn't get enough attention or something. They'd been screwing in her car and in my bed when I went out of town on business. He shagged her the whole time I was pregnant. (I just got that little piece of the puzzle...)[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]It was horrible. Unendurable pain. I immediately got fired from my job. I was never really planning on becoming a mama. Having kids was really rough because of things from my own childhood. We went through three years of monthly meetings with a marriage counselor. Now I find out there were things he never did tell me the truth about. The whole time he was begging for my forgiveness and "doing whatever it took" he was effing lying.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]He started being a prick again this spring. This was shortly after our son turned 1. Having two small kids under kindergarten age is really tough. We never got enough sleep, the house was always dirty. Money was a constant problem. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]I began to put a whole lot of pressure on him about that. he's a very unambitious person. He was a musician throughout his 20's and when I met him. I used to joke that he was more like a pet than a boyfriend. But he had skills, a very profitable set of skills. I rewrote his resume and got him hired in a different town at 3x's his former salary. I even email interviewd for him. The offer he got was enough leverage to get him promoted where he was and landed him a 72% wage increase. he never admitted that I helped him, said it had "been in the works" anyway. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]When he started being cold and nasty to me this Spring I immediately knew something was up. Again, my birthday. I asked him what was going on and watched his pulse jumping in his neck and his heart thumping away. His eyes were flitting from side to side... I've never seen anyone so sketched out. SO I knew. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]I just said, "who is she?"[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]Surprise surprise, some girl at work. They were in love (even though they'd only been making out and grabbing each other's crotches for a week) I laughed. he of course just totally wimped out. he recounted everything, asked me to marry him again... that liar. We started going to see our marriage counselor again. But everything just started to be constantly painful. We had one horrible fight in front of our daughter in the car and that was it. He told me he didn't love me anymore that he wanted to go be with this other girl that we could always get back together later... blah blah blah. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]He started screaming at me regularly so I took the kids and fled. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]The man f-ed someone else in my bed, threated to have my pregnant sister and her husband (who had been our best friends that we had spent the majority of our weekends with) arrested when they came to pack my daughter’s things. He refused to let me into our house. I was floored. I was praying that he had a brain tumor. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]Girl number 2 wasn't all bad, just thought I was the wicked witch. I did key her car.... but in the end I came to see that it really had nothing at all to do with her. When she got a clear picture of him she was revolted and refused to talk to him anymore. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]So I left, took his kids, most of his money and did some pretty effective cock blocking too. Not too bad for an exit. And now he's crying around. He tells me he wishes he was dead. I told him that I too, wished he was dead. I can't help but grind the knife but I am so torn. He's my kids father. They are half him. I love it that my little son has a swagger like his Dad. I love him. I sound like one of those soft silly women I haven't ever had patience for. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]I have been um, troublesome. I yell, I slapped him until the police came when he shouted at me and ordered me out of my own house. I’ve gained and lost weight, jobs, money and friends. Before this began I had a wide variety of neuroses. My life hasn’t been easy. But he knew all about me before we ever got married. Or at least I tried to tell him. [/COLOR]

 

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Things have really calmed down since a low point this summer. My daughter started school and therapy, I’m working for a cardiologist. We started mediation. I got on an antidepressant and see a therapist. I’ll live.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]He’s started coming up on the weekends. He has a roommate who is a heavy smoker so my kids can’t go there. We live about 100 miles away and he has a social life now but he says he doesn’t want to do anything but see us. I look for work here for him. This was my idea. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I am so lonely and so sad and I miss him so much. I’m also completely pissed. It never gets better. He’s the only thing that makes me feel better but he’s also what has totally screwed me up. I don’t even want anyone else. I can’t do no contact when we have kids. I am just so confused. Any one been through something similar with an unmerciful ass who wants to weasel his way back in? It's finding middle ground that is proving the most difficult and has made me cry more than anything else. now that all the fire is gone and I'm sitting in the ruins by myself he's the other lone survivor. help!![/sIZE][/FONT]

[Melovator]

Your anger is entirely understandable but you need to find a way to let it go otherwise it will consume your life, make you bitter, give you wrinkles and a heart attack.

 

Getting back together with him because you're lonely is not a good idea- and do you really miss him or just the idea of him? And its not a great idea when he basically says "I'll just leave our family for another woman and then come back later when I'm ready to." Relationships don't work that way you can't flit in and out as you please.

 

From what you've written you both have issues you need to sort out (and you're doing that with therapy before either of you are ready for a relationship with anyone including each other).

 

No, you can't do No Contact with kids, but what you can do is keep all interaction about the kids only and not get drawn into other discussion. It is very difficult but its a matter of determining your boundaries and not letting him cross them. Which is up to you. As Lady Jane told me last week (?) on my thread my ex messes with me because I let him.

 

HAving him a 100 miles away is probably a good idea...