3 months today NC

[Meanmistermustard]

Today it's officially 3 months since my ex and I have communicated. I have mixed feelings about her. On the one hand, I don't feel like I want to be with her any longer which is great. But I really hate the way we ended things and it still bothers me. This woman and I shared so much over the course of 4 months and it pains me that the final contact was an e-mail. We had so much chemistry it was amazing! People thought we had been together for years because we were so much into each other. I still think it ended prematurely and I know the two of us could have figured things out....but I guess we didn't put in the effort:o

 

Just some background, she and I had a major meltdown at the end of June. She told me she was moving on and I was so frustrated at that point I was fine with that. I went to pick up my things a few days later and we hugged. Later on at 12:15 AM she calls me and just wanted to say "hi". It was a quick 3-minute conversation that I hardly remember. The next morning, she sends me an e-mail asking "what happened to us?". I e-mailed her back with what I thought were the major issues (too many damn e-mails killed us!). She called that night but I didn't call her back until the following morning. We agreed to meet up to talk after work to figure things out (I wanted her in my life-I really loved this girl).

 

Well.....she backed out because she was tired-she wanted to reschedule. I probably incorrectly assumed it was because I didn't call back right away the prior night to talk and e-mailed her saying i was sorry for that stupid mistake. I told her I blew it when she was trying to reach out to me. Well, she e-mailed me back and said we should forget about meeting up because we need more time to figure things out. No idea what that meant, and yeah, I should have asked.

 

Fast forward a few days. I sent her a note telling her that while we're figuring things out, she can call me if she ever needs to talk. Pretty lame move looking back, but oh well! She e-mails me (did I mention e-mails killed us?) and says that we're done and we missed our chance to build a solid foundation for a relationship. I e-mailed her back and told her I agreed and that a scar had formed on what we had together. I ended it by saying "hope we can still be friends once the dust settles a bit".

 

Well that was 3 months ago tonight. NC for either of us despite the fact we had one hell of a connection for a short amount of time. I guess I feel like contacting her just to tell her she's okay in my book. But I don't want to get sand thrown in my eyes by being sensitive towards her. I feel like we left the ball at mid court and it's sitting there waiting for one of us to kick it to begin a dialog.

 

I guess it doesn't much matter, and it still hurts to know that such a beautiful, wonderful experience died and has no chance of being rekindled. Like most of you, I wonder if I'll feel that energy again. In 15 years of dating, I've never been so love intoxicated by a woman!

 

If you're still reading....thanks for "listening"

[NocturnalRaids]

Maybe, but after that light hearted email you send her, Do not respond unless she does. You can start it, but only respond if she sends you something, if not then just let it die.

 

Tough business. Evolution is hardcore, but had only good intentions for both of y'all.

[Amy12345678]

sucks man. i know the feel, only problem is i did become friends with him again and we still had that connection and still got on really well, makes it hard to accept that you're not together anymore, just be careful and look after yourself, good luck

[Biker2007]

I hear you w/ emails and/or text messages...they are good for saying "hello" or that you are thinking of the person, but not much more IMO. Too much can get lost in the translation or misinterpreted. My ex reverted to text messages when things were not going so well and now she is an ex...go figure.

 

I also can relate to the part about your relationship starting out so well. Mine was the same and ended much too soon for me. Sounds like you feel the same about your situation. Perhaps that the relationship did not have time to run its course...that still keeps me up at night.

 

Keep doing the NC thing and taking care of yourself. If she ever contacts you and actually wants to talk to you, let her know email is not going to work for you!

 

Good luck

[Meanmistermustard]

Thanks for the replies everyone! I can't tell you how great this site is.

 

Biker....I read your story and it sounds so similar to mine. Maybe I can buy you a beer and we can trade stories! I agree...the thing that really bothered me for some time was the lost potential. I guess for me and my ex, things just burned so hot in the beginning it destroyed the relationship:o

 

I'm usually pretty rational when it comes to relationships...but not this time. We jumped into sex pretty quickly and I was spending almost every night with her. I just think it was too much too soon and if I could do it over again I would slow things down. We were even talking about moving in together-the thought of that was crazy..why so soon? I guess love and lust can make us do some things that are out of character.

 

I have met a really cool woman recently though, and I'm taking it easy and just having fun. She's got a lot going for her so we'll see what happens!

 

As for the ex...I guess NC is what I'll continue with.

[Biker2007]

I understand the lost potential part. If somebody asked me to describe my perfect match, I would have come up w/ my ex...at least the things on the surface. Looks, activities, etc. but we really broke down on communication...I hate text messages!

 

I think we both were into each other a little too much too soon, and we put too much pressure on the relationship. I normally don't do this. Hell, it had been a very long time since I felt this gaga over a girl. And I wonder will I feel like I did w/ her again...because right now, I don't feel much at all. I have tried a few dates, and I just feel empty when I have gone out.

 

The part about moving in together...I understand that as well. I knew we were in a "honeymoon" phase of the relationship, so I tried to keep things in perspective, but I just let myself get too serious too soon. We never seriously talked about moving in together, but I would have done it in a heartbeat.

 

Let me know how things go w/ the new friend.

 

 

Take care.

[Meanmistermustard]

How long have you been NC Biker? I think you probably just need more time before you'll be open to having those feelings again. It hurts like hell when you put yourself out there to someone and they say they don't want you in their life. Takes a bit for the emotional wounds to heal up....but they will!

 

I'm back to contemplating contact with her. I feel pretty confident right now in that I've been dating a lot lately so I think no matter the outcome I'll be fine with it. As I said in my OP, I just feel rotten about the way it ended so poorly. Just knowing we've forgiven each other would be important for me.

 

Still thinking about it.......

[Biker2007]

Mustard,

 

It has been about 1.5 months of NC for me, so not extremely a long time. The ex is quite stubborn, so I really don't expect to hear from her again. Just like your situation, we did not end well, but I did say all that I needed to say.

 

Sounds like you actually are in a good place to contact your ex and say what you need to say. Funny thing...I did not do a good job of ending things w/ the the ex (gf#2) before the last Ex (gf#1), and she (gf#2) called me the last day I had contact w/ the Ex (gf#1). Clear as mud...Well, I needed to put things right, so I went to dinner w/ gf #2 and let her know exactly why we did not make it. We actually had a great dinner and even went out to a movie a while after the dinner. I don't normally hang out w/ exes, but it felt good to know that I could meet up w/ gf#2 and not have any problems.

 

If you meet up w/ your ex and she said, "let's talk about us", how would you handle that question? Just curious.

 

Biker

[Meanmistermustard]

Biker,

I went back and read your "she zigged and I zagged" and I feel like I'm reading my story. It's crazy how similar our experiences were. There is something I'm interested about. Did this ex (#1) just get out of a LTR shortly before you guys started dating? I think this is a significant part of my story, because mine had just got out of a 2.5 year relationship maybe four months prior. We met at a city parade, and when we met she was with the ex hanging out! Maybe if I had been thinking with my brain I would have realized that in itself was a reason to stay away from this girl in any capacity other than "friend"! The worst thing was even once we had become intimate, I knew he was still lurking around in the background. It did all kinds of crazy things to my ability to feel comfortable with her. Gee, maybe I could have "talked" with her about this? One of my mistakes I've learned from.

 

Now to the question of if she wanted to talk about us. Great question:) I would really hope that it wouldn't come up after 3 months on a first meeting, and if she asked me that question via e-mail I'd wonder if I really wanted to see her at all. If I did see her again, I'd just want to hang out and talk about current things and fill in the 3 month gap to catch up so we're "okay" with each other. I think if she pushed it, I'd have to tell her nothing positive can come from opening that chapter again so soon. If after some time we decide to give us a second chance, then I'd welcome talking about our first try to sort it out. We would have to take things slow to avoid what happened last time. But I'm just speculating here, I don't expect us to be an item again. But then again I didn't expect the Yankees to make the play-offs either so who can tell what will happen right?

[Biker2007]

Mustard,

 

Sounds like we are on the same page again…as far as how we would both respond if the ex were to contact us and ask “the question”. I have never seen or thought a second chance could work. This was the first time it ever crossed my mind. But, the only way I would even consider it is to figure out what exactly happened and what has changed to make the second try work. And also take it slow. Pisses me off that I even think that now.

 

I live in Colorado, so talk about slim chances…Go Rockies!

 

Your questions about ex#1...On our 1st date, we briefly discussed some of our past dating history, and she mentioned a guy that she dated for a few years. That was supposed to be 2 years ago. She travels for some triathlon competitions and it seems like they still go to some of the same events. I am not a jealous person, so I did not think twice about it. She actually had just visited this guy before I met her. Also, I knew she was a tomboy, and I took it at face value that she has a bunch of guy friends…maybe I am a little too naive. My $.02 of psychoanalysis made me think there were some unresolved feelings for her ex and some abandonment issues in her past (based on other discussions). I am also a recovering “Nice Guy”, but that is another story.

 

The fact that we got physical so fast may have freaked her out. Things just got weird and I probably did a terrible job handling the whole situation. When I told her, “that things were not working out”, I know I hit a nerve.

 

Over the next month, the text message crap got worse, and I had pretty much given up on her. She finally said, “she did not want to meet to talk…just hang out” in one of her last texts. The fact she was too lazy to even pick up the phone at this point made me say this is pointless…sound familiar?

[ncpd25]

Hey Mustard/Biker,

Just came across this thread and read both of your posts. I too, was in a very similar set of circumstances. I'm about the same age as Biker and I met my girl through the girl that cuts my hair. We hit it off from the begining and things went real well.

 

Turned out, my ex dumped me by voicemail 5 days after she had a talk with her ex boyfriend. She never initially told me about him and as time progressed, I began to get the feeling she had broken up with only a short time before meeting me. She told me they had broken up several months before.

 

She wanted to talk about things in person after breaking up with me in the voicemail. As she was at her parents for the weekend, I listened to her message over and over. I began to get annoyed that she lied to me about circumstances with her boyfriend and the fact she didn't have the decency to break up with me in person.

 

I'm very confident she ran back to her ex. Needless to say, he cheated on her in the past, constantly lied to her, never did anything with her (dinner, going out etc..) borrowed $25K from her and never paid it back. I guess the list goes on.

 

I ended up sending her an email advising her I thought she was deceitful and learned after the fact, that she lied to me pretty much the entire time we were together. I told her I had no desire to speak with her or see her. Her response was, she didn't intentionally hurt me and she still cares about me a lot. I've been in NC for 3 weeks now.

 

As I think about it now, I would love to have asked her why she chose to lie to me about her boyfriend and why she fabricated things instead of being honest. At the time, I felt there was nothing else to speak about after receiving her voicemail.

 

Still battling with my emotions. I know I won't contact her but, feel as if things didn't end right and there was no closure.

 

I honestly believed she was the one for me.....Guess again!

[Meanmistermustard]

Wow...seems like the three of us now have exes possibly as a result of unresolved issues with their prior exes. I have to admit, I was naive about the whole thing regarding the contact with her ex. Looking back there were too many times when she'd bring him up and my gut told me she wasn't fully over the fact the HE dumped her.

 

Going forward, I'm going to be more cautious about the whole thing with an ex still lurking around. It's not that I'm jealous, but if I'm going to invest myself into trying to have a relationship with a girl, I don't want energy being siphoned by a prior unresolved relationship. This has never been an issue until now thankfully, but I guess we have to learn these things sometimes. And Biker, I was way too nice to this girl the whole time she was attempting to file down my self-esteem. I'm usually pretty good about not being a doormat but I really got smitten by this last one.

 

I've come to the conclusion I'm not going to contact her. Having this on-line discussion made me remember all of the rotten things that happened and how I felt miserable with her even when times were good. I'm not going back.

 

Go Yanks! As long as the bugs don't attack again:rolleyes:

[Biker2007]

Well Boys,

 

Here's to learning a lesson the hard way.

 

My specific lesson is to not make the "Nice Guy" mistakes when I fall head over heals for somebody. Not that I wont try to make my significant other very happy, but I know there where times when I should have questioned the ex about things she would do and say...I was afraid to rock the boat and lose what appeared to be a very good thing...surprise look what happened by being the nice guy and staying silent. I wonder why we become door mats when we actually care about someone? Some of my prior exes would say I was anything but a doormat, well, I can chalk this up to a little more of life's grand experiment.

 

Mustard - Now that I know a little more about your circumstances, I think you are making the right choice by not breaking NC. I don't like to close doors and especially if I don't know all the details of what was going through my ex's head. My door is open to her, but she will see a much different person if she ever decides to come around again.

 

NCPD - speaking of closure...maybe you got it...it was just not verbal, but people do have a way of showing us their true character...I have also learned to put more faith into someone's actions and less on what they say to me...actions speak volumes.