29, Coping, but don't think I can ever look at another man (kinda long)

[PrincessBOT]

This is my first post, I would appreciate all feedback. My boyfriend of almost 2 years could not bring himself to break up with me. Instead he became distant and ended activities and family events we used to do as a couple. He also limited the time we spent with each other, less and less. I questioned the distance 2 month before we broke up, he said he felt we were at a low point, I was surprised because I hadn't thought so. I figured he needed space so I didn't question him anymore we saw each other when he wanted and that became less and less. When I tried to schedule more activities there was always something.

 

Two years before I met ex I had to end my second 4 year relationship (that ex continuously lied and cheated), but I didn't tell my recent ex. Instead from the beginning of our relationship I suggested and he agreed that every 3 month we would discuss how we felt our relation ship was going. I really didn't want to waste anymore of what I consider my best years.

 

The first 9 months went great and he said he loved me first. However 3 months later he told me he loved me, but he didn't know how he loved me. Well, the way he treated me made me feel loved, so I chalked up to male fear of commitment. He said I was his I was his longest relationship. He was 30 at the time, I was 28.

 

Almost 1 1/2 yrs into the relationship we broke up. I was strong because I loved him, but his confusion made me keep my guard up. While broke up he texted me saying that he loves me and he is ready to be the man I need him to be and to move to the next level. I asked him to take more time to make sure.We both knew the next level was engagement, because 1 year into the relationship we agreed to get engaged if were together after 2 years and everything was going good. Two weeks later we were back together, but from that point forward he became more and more distant.

 

The relationship ended because I couldn't take it anymore and and called him over to my house. That night he finally said he didn't feel the saw way about the relationship, apologized and left my house.

 

2 months went by I didn't contact him for 2 weeks at a time. He called me a couple of time also, but when would speak his indifference was devastating because I'd opened up more after he told me months before that he was ready for the next level. Finally, after 2 months I tried to reconcile, even though my mind knew better, my heart was aching. I feel that he had deceived me when he said he was ready. I asked him over and he finally told me that he couldn't see himself spending the rest of his life with me and the chances of him marrying me became less and less. He never said why he just said he don't know why because I am the best girl he had been with.

 

I asked him why he said he loved me and wanted to move to the next level. As if he was hurt he said he said it to keep me around, letting me go is so hard. Well I lost it and started beating the heck out of him and he went running out of the house. I haven't spoken to him since. Why would he lie? Why would he lead me along and waste my time. The last 6 months together were a wasted. Will this ever go away?

 

I feel so betrayed and empty and like I can never trust another man again. I am only 29 and I am planning how I will never be in another relationship, but I will either adopt children or get invitro starting at 32 or 33.

 

My friends and family have been gone on a mission to get with someone. They collectively have introduced me to about 4 men in 3 months I have met a couple through online. I cancelled all dates at the last minute except 1. I see dating and beginning relationships as the beginning of the end. So by not starting them I am not going to end in disappointment.

[LakesideDream]

Seems from reading that you have a real need to control. You are comfortable when your life is structured and scheduled. Be aware that very few people share your compulsion.

 

You mentioned in passing that you had two previous 4 year relationships where the men "cheated". Were those relationships scripted as well?

 

You also mentioned that in the "beginning" of your last relationship that you (or the two of you) "decided" to do certain things, have status conferences every three months, engaged no later than two years.. all because you didn't want to "waste" your best years.

 

Does that sound like "normal" behavior to you? While it may be possible for you to stick to a structure like that, do you believe it's reasonable to expect your partner in a beginning relationship to share those goals?

 

After three failed LTR's it may serve you well to turn your analytical brain inward. In your last relationship you made a lot of demands most men would find difficult to adhere to. Maybe your tactic's are flawed?

[NocturnalRaids]

It is okay to be cautious, but if cave women did that, then humans would have gone extinct a long time ago.

 

You feel the way you do because of an unbroken chain of previouses causes, so it ain't your fault, and not entirely your choice.

 

When you beated on him, were you crying and upset, or was it like rage and just pure anger. That is intense. Maybe take up philosophy. Sorry this happened to you. I don't understand why guys are dumb and don't keep what they have. If they only knew how the 40-year-old virgins feel, then they would appreciate a relationship.

[markymark]

hi there... only a few points i hope they help... most men are cowards when they want to end a relationship, im sure he will never give you his true reason for ending it but if he can treat you with so little respect then hes not worthy of your attention or your tears... dont give up on men as not all are bad i know hard to find (or so ive been told) but theres some1 out there for you

find yourself and find happiness then mr right will find you

good luck in future take care and most importantly smile:)

[PrincessBOT]

Seems from reading that you have a real need to control. You are comfortable when your life is structured and scheduled. Be aware that very few people share your compulsion.

 

You mentioned in passing that you had two previous 4 year relationships where the men "cheated". Were those relationships scripted as well?

 

 

 

Lakeside Dream, (hope I am doing this right)

 

Wow, I really needed that point of view. I would have never thought of it that way. Well the first 2 relationships were not scripted and controlling. The were unscripted, spontaneous, caring, loving which is why they lasted so long. The first 4 year relationship didn't end due to cheating. It ended because we had different goals in life. We are still friends and are contact every so ofter 7 years later.

 

The last 4 year relationship, again unscripted. I was wide open and I guess naive. He lied about being married, his age, how many sibling he had, what country his parent lived in, cheating etc, etc. We lived together for 2 years and in the end I realized I didn't know him. He admitted to being a habitual liar and he counldn't help it and would get help. I hope he did, but from talking to his last girlfriend I don't think he did (the people he told me were his cousins he told her they were his brother and sister, he told me he went to school in highschool in France, he told her he went to highschool in the US)

 

Maybe those experiences made me a little controling to the recent ex, but he had a mouth he could have said something. We are adults we could have come to something that worked for us. But if I didn't do what I did, this could have carried on for another 2 years. It hurts, but if he really loved it wouldn't have been a big deal I don't think.

 

I just don't understand why he didn't say something, its like he was just going along with whatever. 2 years is a long time to do that, I though it meant we had love,but maybe just a commitment issue....

[PrincessBOT]

Thank you. Well, when I beat him there were no tears, just anger, resentment and what I think hatred must feel like. Still I know hitting him was wrong and he did the right thing and ran instead of hitting back.

 

And I don't want to give up on men, but at the end of the 4 year relationship I took 1 1/2 years of me time, I dated a lot of people and was still interested in men. It took those 1 1/2 years for me before I got into another relationship with my recent ex. He had the qualities that I decided in my 1 1/2 year relationship exile that I wanted and a few months after being together he was the first one to say that he was going to marry me and that he love me. I was cautious, but still fell in love and showed it.

 

This time it's like my desire died and I am wondering if it is for good because it feels that way. How do I open up and trust and love after that?

[LakesideDream]

Princess, while not a "geezer" like me, you are mature enough to know when things aren't working as "planned".

 

IMO, relationships are like people. They grow in ways that cannot be structured or reliably predicted. Each has a dynamic of it's own. That's why people look so hard for their "match" it's so the chances are better that they will grow together rather than apart.

 

Be aware too that when you are worrying about your "time" being frettered away, many of us here have lost half a lifetime or more to a bad relationship. That really sucks.

 

Good luck in the future.

[PrincessBOT]

I only think about my ex maybe once or twice a day now. It feels so good to be at the point where I am questioning why the heck did I let the break get to me. It's like it happened to someone else.

 

However, when I do think of him and it is only for seconds, maybe a quick minute I still feel the hate. It is a hate to sin and I pray constantly to stop hating him.

 

I feel like the only way he was able to hurt me is because I let him get close to me and he became apart of me. Then he ripped himself away and left me bleeding and dying. The worse part is that he knew or had an idea long before he told me. And it wasn't passive, it was intentional because we talked about the relationship so he intentionally didn't say anything. As a matter of fact he said the opposite, that he was ready for us to move to the next level, when he wasn't.

 

Perhaps we could have worked on it, maybe we both could have come to the conclusion that it was not going to work. Even if we it was not mutual it would not be a total shock for either of us not just him.

 

Okay, let me stop. I fully accept that we will never be together again. I could never be with him, don't even think I would speak if I saw him, but I just need to be able to stop

hating him and wishing him misery and pain throughout his life.

 

Huuuuhhhh.....

[PrincessBOT]

I only think about my ex maybe once or twice a day now. It feels so good to be at the point where I am questioning why the heck did I let the break get to me. It's like it happened to someone else.

 

However, when I do think of him and it is only for seconds, maybe a quick minute I still feel the hate. It is a hate to sin and I pray constantly to stop hating him.

 

I feel like the only way he was able to hurt me is because I let him get close to me and he became apart of me. Then he ripped himself away and left me bleeding and dying. The worse part is that he knew or had an idea long before he told me. And it wasn't passive, it was intentional because we talked about the relationship so he intentionally didn't say anything. As a matter of fact he said the opposite, that he was ready for us to move to the next level, when he wasn't.

 

Perhaps we could have worked on it, maybe we both could have come to the conclusion that it was not going to work. Even if we it was not mutual it would not be a total shock for either of us not just him.

 

Okay, let me stop. I fully accept that we will never be together again. I could never be with him, don't even think I would speak if I saw him, but I just need to be able to stop

hating him and wishing him misery and pain throughout his life.

 

Huuuuhhhh.....

Another thing, I see so many people on LS going through the same thing and they still have love and understanding for their ex. They even want to speak to them just to hear their voice. I don't want to ever see or hear my ex again. I really want to forget he ever existed, but I would never want to lose the lesson I've learned from the relationship and how it ended.

 

Does this mean something, maybe I didn't love him like I should have? I mean I don't feel an ounce of love, just hate.

[Sanslatete]

Another thing, I see so many people on LS going through the same thing and they still have love and understanding for their ex. They even want to speak to them just to hear their voice. I don't want to ever see or hear my ex again. I really want to forget he ever existed, but I would never want to lose the lesson I've learned from the relationship and how it ended.

 

Does this mean something, maybe I didn't love him like I should have? I mean I don't feel an ounce of love, just hate.

 

It's a process I think. I would have gladly gone back with my ex when I started writing on LS. But so much has happened since, and the sheer pain of what I've been left alone to 'just get on with' has started to ferment inside me and cause me to deeply dislike my ex now.

She did the dirty on me and all I did was adore her. She knew my feelings as I told her frequently, but she still betrayed me and killed our love. I would have gladly loved and cared of her for the rest of my days, my committment to her was so complete. But for my troubles, I was lied to, cheated on and abandoned. I know I loved her with my whole being but feel less and less of that as the days (and the resentment) goes on. When I truly hate her, I'll feel completely justified, it was all her doing.

[Spinderella]

I agree with Lakeside dream.

Carefully structuring your relationship like that, down to timelines for getting engaged, allows no flow. He probably felt pressured because of this, that if he stayed with you past that time, he would have to say he was going to the agreed level. To you it felt like a betrayal, but to him it may have felt like that was the only condition he could be with you under.

Maybe by understanding your own errors in the relationship, you can begin to forgive him too. By forgiving him, you will forgive all the future men that you are currently not forgiving, by not even giving them a chance.

[PrincessBOT]

I agree with Lakeside dream.

Carefully structuring your relationship like that, down to timelines for getting engaged, allows no flow. He probably felt pressured because of this, that if he stayed with you past that time, he would have to say he was going to the agreed level. To you it felt like a betrayal, but to him it may have felt like that was the only condition he could be with you under.

Maybe by understanding your own errors in the relationship, you can begin to forgive him too. By forgiving him, you will forgive all the future men that you are currently not forgiving, by not even giving them a chance.

My ex and I met through my sister who was his co-worker. After we were in the relationship he told another co-worker who he knows is close to my sister that he was going to marry me. She told my sister who told me. Another month passed and things were going great and I discussed it with my ex. He said yes he said he was going to marry me and he meant it. From that point we talked about we agreed to discuss it every 3 months.

 

I was not a woman out to twist a man's arm for marriage. When I met him I was 27 and had been single and celibate for 1 1/2 years after the end of a 4 year relationship. I was happy dating a few very interesting people, eating out at nice places, traveling. I already owned my own home, was my own boss, and drove a nice car. I had great friends and a loving family. So it took a couple of months before I even decided to start a relationship with only him.

 

So what would not have been considered structuring? Talking about it, but without reference to a time frame. In my opinion my ex got caught up with infatuation and when it wore off he realized he wasn't really ready to be married. By that time I wanted to be married and look forward to starting a family. I didn't change, he did and didn't tell me.

 

I agree with 100% that he probably felt that if he stayed passed the time that we'd discussed (both of us as adults) he would have to go along with what agreed to. Although he became distant it became more intense until it peaked about 2 month before our 2 year anniversary, when we were to get engaged.

 

I am having just the hardest time seeing my errors in this. Maybe I should not have believed him or been able to see when he'd changed his mind. Maybe I erred for making our relationship a priority.

 

Am I doomed then in not being able to forgive myself or him? Because I really do knock myself for not seeing it sooner and doing something and because of that I feel bad about my judgment. I do fear I will have bad judgment with future men. But to me he is the cause. I am going to keep praying.

[PrincessBOT]

It's a process I think. I would have gladly gone back with my ex when I started writing on LS. But so much has happened since, and the sheer pain of what I've been left alone to 'just get on with' has started to ferment inside me and cause me to deeply dislike my ex now.

She did the dirty on me and all I did was adore her. She knew my feelings as I told her frequently, but she still betrayed me and killed our love. I would have gladly loved and cared of her for the rest of my days, my committment to her was so complete. But for my troubles, I was lied to, cheated on and abandoned. I know I loved her with my whole being but feel less and less of that as the days (and the resentment) goes on. When I truly hate her, I'll feel completely justified, it was all her doing.

It is definitely a process, but I hope you don't get to the point of hate. It doesn't make you feel better. I feel worse for hating, it takes a lot out of you to hate. I think striving for indifference is better.

 

As for me I went from love to instant hate after hearing the man I'd shared almost the last 2 years of my life with say "I can't see myself spending the rest of my life with you, the chances of me marry you were less and less". But it was the timing he said it after months of distancing himself and me not catching on after he'd professed his love and confirmed that we were moving on to engagment, which threw me off.

 

I never want to see him again, but I wish I was indifferent. Strive for indifference, trust me.

[LakesideDream]

It is definitely a process, but I hope you don't get to the point of hate. It doesn't make you feel better. I feel worse for hating, it takes a lot out of you to hate. I think striving for indifference is better.

 

As for me I went from love to instant hate after hearing the man I'd shared almost the last 2 years of my life with say "I can't see myself spending the rest of my life with you, the chances of me marry you were less and less". But it was the timing he said it after months of distancing himself and me not catching on after he'd professed his love and confirmed that we were moving on to engagment, which threw me off.

 

I never want to see him again, but I wish I was indifferent. Strive for indifference, trust me.

 

PB, I know that I am not the one to be giving you positive advice. When my ex cheated and left, all the bridges were burned as far as I was concerned. After the divorce, she added swindling to cheating. I actally told her that I wouldn't "Pish" on her if her hair was on fire. That's a little harsh wouldn't you say. I know how to "dissappear" someone from my mind. After a 25 year marriage, it took some time to dissappear her!

 

I'd like to suggest that when the right amount of time passes, you will soften in your resolve. You sound (write) as an intellegent, abet angry person. It takes a lot of energy to maintain anger. You'll know that you are getting better when you anger morph's into disgust, finally into indifference. Look forward to that time.

 

Again, good luck, and a short happy voyage to you...