confusingsituation Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Hi I have posted this story under my last thread but thought I may need to post it again indivdually. Last night I spoke to my ex/bf. He broke it off with me about 3 weeks ago now after a 4.5 year relationship. During this three week period he has said to me that he still considers us together and would like to work on getting 'us' back and planning towards a future. We have only had very limited contact for the last 3 weeks and have only seen each other twice in this period. Last night I called him as I feel that although he says he wants to fix us...he isnt really making any effort. He told me that right now what he needs is space. He needs to have time to think about himself and what he wants for the future. I asked him how much time he needs and he said he didnt know..... I asked him if this was an extended break-up and he got mad at me and said it wasnt like that he wanted to work it out but he didnt really know what he wanted from his life so he needed some space. Which to me doesnt make a whole heap of sense. Then he invited me to his sisters birthday on the weekend and said it would be a good steping stone to working on our relationship. Let me just say as well that before the relationship we had a great time together. Never really had that many issues and never fought. We broke up last year around this time for a few days before he came back and said he had made a mistake. I guess my question is can someone help me decipher these actions. How much space do you give someone, should I make contact what so ever, should I just walk away and give up? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 People don't break up twice for no reason at all. Are issues not being resolved? Is he uncertain if he wants to remain committed? Overall though, you don't have a choice. If he wants space, give him as much space as he wants and more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingsituation Posted October 4, 2007 Author Share Posted October 4, 2007 He says he is trying to decide if he wants to get married as he doesnt think it is right to keep just dating and not taking the next step in the relationship. He wont communicate with me on why he doesnt know if he wants to get married on not. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Is marriage something you want and have been putting some pressure on him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingsituation Posted October 4, 2007 Author Share Posted October 4, 2007 he knows that eventually yes thats what I want. I havent been pressuring for an engagement or anything like that at all. I just have asked him if he thinks thats where we are headed towards....I think its important to know if you are on the same page or not Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 My question wasn't meant as a criticism. Just trying to understand what the issue is. I don't think it's wrong to let someone know where you want to head to eventually. As long as it's not a pressure situation, it shouldn't be a big deal unless the other person doesn't see your relationship headed that way. I would give him unlimited space, including declining his invitation to his sister's birthday. Your focus should be on yourself now since he's chosen to focus on himself, instead of the good of the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingsituation Posted October 4, 2007 Author Share Posted October 4, 2007 Sorry I understand, there was no pressure on my part regarding timing of a proposal or anything like that. He knew that was what I ultimately wanted down the track. He would always say to me that he thought we would end up married. We didnt really have any other issues that I am aware of, but maybe he is just not speaking up. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 "Needing space" means that they don't want to be with you right now, but they don't want to lose you altogether. The only way to deal with a person who asks for space is to give it to them doubly what they ask for. If they see they are losing you, they may rethink the whole 'needing space' thing. If you insist on not giving them space, all they will do is drift further away. People generally 'need space' for a variety of reasons: 1. They met someone else, and need that 'space' for this new person. 2. They are falling out of love, but aren't yet enough out of love to break up. 3. They don't know how to break up with you, and are hoping you do it. 4. They are feeling pressured to 'take the next step' in a relationship and they simply don't want to, so they extricate themselves from any chance of this next step happening out of their control by walking away to get 'space'. I expect in your boyfriend's case, its # 4. He doesn't want to marry you and he's backed into a corner now where he feels that its either marriage or a breakup. You haven't given him that ultimatum, but its clear that he thinks its coming. A man would rather tear off his own fingernails than be straight with you on why he doesn't know if he wants to get married to you or not - he does in fact know why he doesn't want to get married. He just won't tell you this. Why? Because he knows it will hurt you to hear that he loves you but not enough to marry you and make it forever. It is easier for a girl to hear "I don't know why" rather than "I do know why, its because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you". Plus, if he tells you he doesn't know why - it will keep the door open in case he changes his mind. Will he change his mind? Maybe, maybe not. Why would he be afraid in the first place? Perhaps he is afraid of stories he hears that women change after marriage. The biggest boogeyman tale that men share is the whole 'women change after marriage' thing. They becomes sexless harpies who erase your individuality, and suck the life out of you. Now, we know that isn't true - but it doesn't stop a guy from listening to the horror stories he hears around him, and being afraid of that. Perhaps he is thinking of what it will be like to never date or have sex with another woman for the rest of his life - some guys, even when they love their girlfriends are afraid of this thought. There is no telling what is going on. What is clear is that he would rather avoid the subject. And most guys... well, let's just say they would rather avoid the situation altogether, and they accomplish this by saying "I need space". It keeps you at a comfortable distance while he figures out a way to stay with you without having to marry you in order to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingsituation Posted October 5, 2007 Author Share Posted October 5, 2007 So last night we met up. It was very emotional. I told him that I just needed to understand him, what was going on with him and how I could help. He told me that he loved me, but that he was unsure about me when it came to marriage. When I asked why he said it came down to the fact that I wasnt independent enough and I relied on him too much for emotional support. Just to put this in context I am not someone who depends on him for anything. I have a very good job, live in my own apartment, own my own place, have my own car etc etc. He seems to think its a dependency in that I rely on him for support too much. Anyway I told him that I didnt think that was something that I could change and that we should just end it because what was the point. at which he told me that's not what he wanted and if I was to walk away he would be devastated. I asked him if he was in love with me still and he said that he questioned it sometimes because he hadnt felt the urgency to get engaged. I dont know what to do, eh said eh wants to work things out, but I dont know exactly what that means at this stage. Link to post Share on other sites
birdie Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 it sounds like he wants distance between you two. I don't really like how he makes you sound as if you were needy. Why is this now all of a sudden? After all this time? You were together for almost 5 years and now he feels you depend on him too much emotionally? It sounds like the two of you have never lived together and I am guessing (sorry if it's wrong) that he may have intimacy issues and problems with allowing people to get close to him. If that's the case I'm not really sure whether you can ever have a healthy relationship with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 It means he wants to put himself in the best possible situation to meet someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingsituation Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Okay so we met up again on Saturday night. He invited me to his sisters birthday party and because I am so weak I went with him. I know I should have let him go alone but just miss him so much. It turns out that no-one knows that we have broken up at all or that we are having any issues either. It was so surreal it was like flash back moment to before 4 weeks ago. His sisters were all hugging me and he introduced me as his girlfriend. It feels like we are together and he says we are together but he just needs space and time to work out whether I am the one for him. Yesterday we met up and had lunch. I couldnt stop crying and he just kept saying it would be okay and we would work it out. He said with a few small changes (he has yet to tell me what these are over the 4 weeks we have been apart) he hopes that we can work it out but there are no guarantees. He started talking about taking drastic actions - like moving overseas together or moving in together and that he needed the night to consider the options. I feel like I am in complete limbo. This is very confusing for me. I feel like I am allowing myself to be manipulated and cant dig myself out of the hole. he is obviously very confused, I just dont understand how confusing a situation can get. he says he loves me, is in love with me and would be devastated if I was to leave him...yet wants space to think about marriage?? There isnt anyone else, we had a very good relationship apart from him not being able to talk about the future so what gives? Anyone can you help me? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 I just dont understand how confusing a situation can get. he says he loves me, is in love with me and would be devastated if I was to leave him...yet wants space to think about marriage?? It is confusing to you, because you see marriage as a natural progression in this relationship - if you love someone, are in love with someone and don't want to leave them, you get married... right? Makes sense for you. Does not compute for him. It is not confusing to him. He knows that he does not want to get married. He is trying to find a way to keep the relationship he wants without having to get married to do it. There are plenty of men out there who love their girlfriends, but simply do not want to get married. It is apparent that marriage is not the same natural progression for him that it is for you. He does love you. He does want to be with you. He just isn't too keen on the idea of marriage. I expect he is beginning to feel that you are more in love with the idea of getting married, than you actually are with him. That scares guys. A lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 cs, you can't change how he feels. One of his issues is emotional support. While there's nothing wrong with relying on your loved one(s) for emotional support, not everyone can handle the burden. Let's look at this in the future. The two of you go forward, you're planning the wedding, therefore, need his emotional support through the process. What do you think a guy like this will do, when things get a little rough, with something he doesn't want to do? You bet...he's gonna' bolt again. Is this the kind of guy you want? Link to post Share on other sites
Pentula77 Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Here's a tip girls...when I guy sais he needs space, give him the size of Arizona. Link to post Share on other sites
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