Did I always put him first I posted in general but It could fit in here sorry!

[hellogoodbye]

Okay, this is long but I really need some opinions!

 

2 to 3 years ago I met this guy lets call him "sam" I had jus broken up with long time bf he expressed to one of my friends he liked me and I didnt pay much attention but it took off from there we hung out a couple times things were okay. Meanwhile i was talking to someone else who was in a different country but going to be home for the summer at first i didnt think it would become anything but as soon as he came for the summer he surprised me the very next day! a couple days later we were officially a couple, yep it happened very quickly....Though when he asked me I hesitated and one of my thoughts among gosh this is gona end ( I think im a slight comittment phobe) was what is "sam" going to think how does this affect him.

 

Anyway I tried to leave this sam behind and my now boyfriend and I were having a turbulent relationship, it always seemed like his ex girlfriend was around he would send her emails they would have very intimate conversations so on. After a year or so it happened twice...my boyfriend had also had a bad car accident which put lots of pressure on our mostly LDR relationship ( I lived 6 hours away from him at this point) .

 

The following summer after i met my boyfriend...I ended up hanging out with sam and we would basically secretly go out because I knew it would affect my boyfriend sometimes I would not go cause of guilt and other times I would and tell my boyfriend it was nothing and it was a "group thing'' this went on pretty much all summer the lowest was sam bringing me home at 4 am and talking till sunrise outside my house I was pretty certain that it wasnt right to do but I seemed to do it anyway! <I am now with boyfriend for a year>

 

My boyfriend and I broke up a couple times usually because of his constant conversations with his ex girlfriend they said I love yous and VERY intimate conversations among other crappy things boyfriend did....I still figured I loved him alot even though somehow sam was like always in the background looking back now I can see that. I spoke to sam almost everyday on MSN friendly chat but we had all these nicknames and inside talk and my boyfriend saw it sometimes and got really upset. That Christmas I avoided sam because I wanted to work things with boyfriend I thougth avoiding him would mean no trouble no temptations!

 

The following year however my boyfriend and I seemed fine after breaking up numerous times for the ex girlfriend and what not we seemed to be finally getting it 1.5 yrs later. Sam had grown to dislike him alot because I always ran to him when something was wrong so he knew all the horrible parts of him and they did have a history (where boyfriends exgirlfriend whom he seemed to not be able to leave alone until then had cheated on him with sam) awkward I know. Did not learn that til later.

 

Anyways the summer has now passed and I had an affair with sam YET AGAIN I say affair now because it actually became physical and also more relationshipy like i would see him everyday if not in a group he would pick me up for drives little ice cream dates just watchin shows together and such there was also making out and other things involved...no sex though...Ofcourse boyfriend came home for summer as well ( I should have noted we both go to uni away but go home for vacation hence the summer/christmas relapses with sam, its the only time i saw him ) And he found out sam and i pretty much ended things even though I still saw him when we got the chance but it was less physical more talking...Now summer is done and apparently so are me and boyfriend we went out for two years. During summer he found out about sam whom I saw for one mth before he came home and we stuck it out and were working when BOOM! August I find out he told A DIFFERENT ex girlfriend he loved them it was like dejavu! I was horrified hurt i ended it and had no thoughts of looking back!

 

It is now october and sam is travellin from his uni in the states to where i live which is about a 5 hr plane ride to "surprise" me I know this because one of my bffs gave me heads up! Now i am very nervous I feel like what we have been waiting for is happening we have the chance to do as we please EXCEPT boyfriend lives close to me and Im scared that he will find out....

 

I dont know if its cause i stil want him around or what?? it confuses me I always thought was cause I didnt want to hurt him but my bff brought forward a good point and thinks maybe im using him as my safety net for when sam leaves!

 

You may as why havent me and sam taken the relationship anywhere or are we....we are not he lives very far and i feel he has alot of exploring to do still in that department it will also be so very complicated since we have always denied that we were doing anything and he lives far i dont think either of us is up to it even if we were im not sure if we would do it. I forgot to say we have told eachtoerh that basically we're in love with eachother but its ended there....it didnt change much and i didnt expect it to! what im scared of is gettin attached i dont think i will cause i know ahead of time but u never know what sex+long weekend+bottled emotions will bring forth ....

 

ANY THOUGHTS on any of this...I know it's long but it makes me very paranoid....how it is i love sam do i even? why am i keepin boyfriend around if i dont want him by calling him and such??? would i want more from sam? would it be the beginning of the end for a long run show???

 

 

thanks! sorry its so long!!!

[gonetildecember]

IMO I think both you and your bf (ex-bf)?? need a priority check. He's running around telling multiple girls he loves them and having intimate conversations with them. You're running around having affairs with the same man for the past 2-3 years... What kind of friggin commited/truthful/trustworthy relationship do you think you can have with all of that drama and non-relationship type behaviour going on in the background?

 

In terms of the saftey net question, I could sort of agree with your friend. Its one of those age old situations that when the going gets rough you run back to "Sam", did you ever think that maybe this is why things are so destructive with your bf (because you are setting an example) I'm sure he knows where he can find you when things go sour.. maybe thats why things keep goig sour... he's also found someone to run to/confide in when things go downhill. AND to make it worse his ex cheated on him with Sam as well.. talk about a reason for him to lash out at you. How does he feel about you even maintaining a friendship with sam?

 

I think in terms of the loving sam and the wanting more from him... I don't know if you genuinely love him love him (in love as opposed to love him- caring, i feel there is a difference).. you guys have been friends for a while and have shared a lot... so maybe there is that dependance/comfort zone issue.. you feel safe and he has always been there for you when things have gone bad with your bf... but let me ask you.. you said things would never go bad.... is that just because sam simply likes being the PRINCE in sticky situations.. rescuing girls from their evil bfs or does he genuinely love you like he says he does?

 

I think because of your underlying feelings for sam and the fact that you still basically have a bf, despite him telling someone ELSE he loved them (you never said if you guys were DONE or not) that it wont just be as clear cut as you'd like.. this problem is going to keep going until you put your foot down, pick one, or pick none :S

 

Hope that helped