EverAfter4806 Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Ok, here's the situation: I have been dating my b/f for a year and a half. I'm only 20, but we're best friends, he makes me happier than I've ever been, and we're very serious. I'm very much in love with him. Recently I started a new job (at Panera Bread). There is a manager who has been very flirtatious, and I have returned the flirtation. He knows I have a b/f, and has seen us together when he comes in to visit. I have no desire to have a relationship or anything because he's 28 and not my "type". I simply enjoy the way that he makes me feel wanted and attractive, as all people do. I think we all need that from time to time. We make no contact outside of work, and he hasn't attempted to (he hasn't asked for my number or tried to hang out with me outside of work). Its simply flirtation... I haven't told my b/f because in my mind it is harmless, as I have no true feelings for this other guy. I enjoy seeing him and it makes work more enjoyable...but I have no desire to take it to a physical level, and I have no feelings for him other than a friendship in which we talk at work. I don't want my b/f to think otherwise and then we get into a fight or anything. I don't want to make things awkward with the guy at work either, since we work in such close proximity. I can't deny that I think about the guy and look forward to going to work on days I know we have the same shift...but I only think about him because I look forward to the way he makes me feel about myself. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 I can't deny that I think about the guy and look forward to going to work on days I know we have the same shift...but I only think about him because I look forward to the way he makes me feel about myself. I was a believer until I saw this. I don't think you're being honest with yourself. I think you feel more than you are either telling us or yourself. I personally think it's fine to flirt with the guy at work if you in fact will never follow through or get in contact with him out of work. If you can do that, I don't see the harm. I'm a firm believer in always keeping options open as long as they don't interfere with the present. What if your b/f dumped you tomorrow? You just never know and I think one should always be looking out for themselves a little every day. Just be honest with yourself though. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 I agree you're not being honest with yourself. If you're looking forward to seeing someone, it doesn't take much to cross the line. If you care about your b/fs feelings, it's time to stop your flirting because you're close, if not there already, to flirting with intent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EverAfter4806 Posted October 4, 2007 Author Share Posted October 4, 2007 ...for sure that I would never let this get physical or get outside of work. Someone else at work has already tried to hang out with me outside, and I told my b/f about it, and when he wasn't ok with it, I told the guy no. I would never sacrifice this amazing relationship I have with my b/f for one stupid act. I'm ready to tell the guy at work if I feel he crosses the line, or if I think things are getting too...serious I guess is the word? I understand that when I said that I thought about him outside of work that made it sound like I was starting to cross the line. And I don't want to, and I hope I can be believed when I say what I have just said. Thank you for giving me your opinion though...I've been wanting to get this out, and want to make sure that I take care of this the right way. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 And I don't want to, and I hope I can be believed when I say what I have just said. Thank you for giving me your opinion though...I've been wanting to get this out, and want to make sure that I take care of this the right way. Are you posting to convince us that you aren't serious with this coworker or because you want to hear what we think? I think that you're walking a fine line... you don't need to try and convince me otherwise, it's my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 ...for sure that I would never let this get physical or get outside of work. Someone else at work has already tried to hang out with me outside, and I told my b/f about it, and when he wasn't ok with it, I told the guy no. I would never sacrifice this amazing relationship I have with my b/f for one stupid act. I'm ready to tell the guy at work if I feel he crosses the line, or if I think things are getting too...serious I guess is the word? I understand that when I said that I thought about him outside of work that made it sound like I was starting to cross the line. And I don't want to, and I hope I can be believed when I say what I have just said. Thank you for giving me your opinion though...I've been wanting to get this out, and want to make sure that I take care of this the right way. It sounds like your trying to compartmentalize this. Like its Ok to accept this guys flirtations at work... but not outside of work. Is there a serious difference between the two? I would say that if you could not flirt with this guy in front of your boyfriend... then you do have a major problem on your hands. I understand that it can be very flattering and almost intoxicating to have multiple guys interested in you. However, you shouldnt need that to feel good about yourself. I dont hang my self worth on how many girls I have interested in me! Do you feel what you are doing is right? Would you be happy if you found that your BF was doing the same thing with another girl? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 I can't deny that I think about the guy and look forward to going to work on days I know we have the same shift...but I only think about him because I look forward to the way he makes me feel about myself. What you described seemed normal until this part of your post. Fact that you find yourself looking forward to seeing him, being around him because of how he makes you feel IS wrong. We all enjoy the bantering and flirting, it's a nice way of making the day more fun, and having compliments is nice...BUT, when you need to start relying on someone's comments to make you feel good, and you are thinking of that person more and more, THAT is a problem and yes, you're crossing lines right now. Your intentions may not be to cheat on your boyfriend, to allow something to happen between you and this guy, but you are putting yourself in a situation that is feeding you feelings. You need to stop flirting with this guy. This is how affairs start! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 I'm ready to tell the guy at work if I feel he crosses the line, or if I think things are getting too...serious I guess is the word? Don't put this on him...You've already crossed the line and THAT is your responsibility, not the other guy. See below again...Your words. I can't deny that I think about the guy and look forward to going to work on days I know we have the same shift...but I only think about him because I look forward to the way he makes me feel about myself. Link to post Share on other sites
halfarock Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 If it’s just flirting then I don’t see how anything can be wrong with it. There are women who I regularly encounter who I flirt with at each encounter. With each, there is some thought, some anticipation to it. And, of course there is a certain excitement in flirting, an enjoyable part of my day. Flirting, to me, can’t be considered as cheating or anything and just because it might be imprudent to openly flirt with another in front of your SO doesn’t necessarily make it wrong when you SO isn’t there. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your boyfriend was flirting with another girl at work? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Let's put it this way...If your boyfriend worked with a woman who was paying him lots of compliments and made him feel good by the flirting and you found out he was looking forward to going to work and thinking alot about her because of how she made him feel -HOW would you feel? Abit hurt? Jealous? Feel his behaviour was inappropriate? If yes, then what you are doing is wrong. The attention and love you are getting from your boyfriend should be enough to make you feel good! You don't need some other guy whispering sweet nothings in your ear. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 The fact that you post to me, means you've feel you've crossed some lines and are looking for validation that you have not. I would recommend toning down the flirtation just a little. Make sure there is no sexual flirtation. Also, do not talk to this guy about any relationship problems. And tell him after you've had an amazing weekend with your boyfriend. Say "oh, it was so much fun. Eric and I went and did this, and then that...". A little flirting is harmless. It is fun. But I agree, you'd want it to be the type of flirtation you might be able to do in front of your boyfriend, if you were all at a party for example. Of course you can tell him he looks nice, etc, and you can accept those compliments from him, but I'm guessing you already know your flirtation is a little bit too far. Just reign it in a little bit! Link to post Share on other sites
EDDO Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 This is soooo wrong you have no idea. You have already stepped over the line and if you dont stop now before it's to late, you will crush your bf and your relationship and will it be worth it? Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 I think this is a sign that you are too young to be in this serious of a relationship and it is only a matter of time before either the "grass is greener" or the "I feel like I missed something" syndrome sets in. My suggestion would be to end the relationship with your boyfriend and spend the next few years maturing. Link to post Share on other sites
Whyme_wtf Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 you know exactly on your own that this is wrong. you are looking for others to validate that i is acceptable. all energy and emotions shold be on bf. if you are the flirty type then you wouldnt be asking. your emotional needs are shifting to being satisfied by a flirty guy already. you must not value your bf at all if you find your ego needs to be stroked by multiple men. just be honest to yourself and those around you. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 I don't see the problem with flirting lightly. Pretty much everyone does it. The question is, how far will you go? The human mind can justify almost anything, no matter how implausible. The questions the OP should be asking herself are: Do I have the self-control to not step over the line? or better yet... Have I crossed the line? Link to post Share on other sites
finallyhappyme Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 Honestly I don't think the problem is you. I think you love your bf but your obviously missing something. He obviously isn't making you feel sexy/ wanted/ beautiful whatever. I also believe you really don't see anything with this other guy at work but you like the way he makes you feel. I don't think you want him but HE opened up your eyes to the fact that your are missing something in your current relationship. The way your feeling around him is your body/mind telling you that your missing this from your current relationship. Just take a minute to analyze your relationship with your current bf and talk to him about it. Just tell him lately you haven't been feeling that he shows you how attractive you are or that he doesn't tell you enough. Your bf probably had no Idea you feel this way and so how can he correct it or work on it with you unless you tell him what your feeling? Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 Sounds like the beginnings of an emotional affair to me. Deep down you know there's a problem or you wouldn't be here trying to convince yourself there isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Innoncence Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 I was at the same state as you are a couple of week ago. I tought it was insignificant, he wasnt my type, he is 10 years older than me (A guy from work as well) and I really love my bf. With time, I developed very strong feelings for him even if I tought it was completely harmless. Be carefull... I really tought it was ok, but it took me too far and now my relationship is seriously compromise. My bf knows about it all now. I realise tought that I had problems with my bf I didnt see at all before. Youre trapping yourself believe me... Even if you think you dont have feelings for him, you do I'm pretty sure. Maybe you dont yet or you dont admit it to yourself, like I did. Just be very carefull, by not being so, I've hurted two men I care about. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 IMO you are going to far. Flirtation with no intent is not so bad, but only if it is "banter" and spread around equally. If you are flirting with just one guy, that is bad. The other red flag is that you are starting to look forward to meeting this guy at work. I think you need to pull back, or your relationships with your bf will get into trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
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