Engaged and Underage

[sugarcoma]

I'm 16 years old. My fiance is 19.

 

I am well aware that I am young, and my fiance and I have thought through what we are doing and have discussed prospective issues that could come up in the future. I am a senior in high school, and will be starting my life next year. However, until I'm 18, my parents are still legally responsible for me and can put an end to my fiance and I's relationship if they really wanted to. We're so in love, and we've gotten to the stage of a relationship where we can show love in ways other than the dramatic declarations that appeared constantly within the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship. Our love is stable, and we just want to share our lives together, raise a family, and hopefully have my parent's approval someday. His family loves me to death, His mom actually started calling me her daughter in law before our engagment.

 

My parents however, disapprove of him as he has a shady past. He's a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, as am I. They think we'll drag eachother down when we do quite the opposite. They also disapprove of our relationship because he is incarcerated for breaking bond by DUI. I understand why they disapprove of him as I most likely would as well if I were in their situation. I understand that they may always feel this way. But I cannot choose between my family and my future husband, because it would literally feel like I was choosing between two halves of soul.

 

My parents wont even meet him, and he's a great guy. He's tried so hard to win their approval. I understand though what they do know about him makes them not want to know more.

 

I really don't know what to do. We could wait until I'm 18 to marry, but then my parents could charge him legally. So the only thing we can do is ask for their permission for us to marry (charges can't be pressed if we're married.) Even if we asked it still isn't guarenteed that we'd have their blessing, or even consent. The only other choice we'd have is to see eachother in secret.

 

My father did say that once he my fiance proves himself to be doing well for 5 years, he'll accept him and support our relationship. Yes, we could wait 5 years to be together, but lets be honest, if there are any ways around it ANYONE would try to avoid having to do that.

 

No matter what happens, we'll still always love one another unconditionally. And no matter what my family is still my family.

[reboot]

Your father is a wise man. And you're so very young. If you really love each other, you'll still feel that way a few years from now. And why the rush? Marriage is HARD work. It's not a fairy tale.

[lovelorcet]

I am going to assume that this story is for real...

 

For 16 you sound very intelligent and mature but i would suggest you take your parents advice. You both still have a lot of growing up to do and when you get to 25 or even 30 you will be a different person and he will as well.

[fluffy0]

I think pretty much everyone who gives you a reply will say the same thing: wait. You parents could charge him right now for having relations with you, so thats not really an excuse to get married right away. Concentrate on getting good grades in school your last year and don't distract yourself with all the melodrama that comes with being married.

 

First of all, if I understand correctly, right now your fiance is in prison. I'm assuming you will wait until he gets out of prison to get married. How are you two going to live then? It can be very hard for someone who was incarcerated and has a DUI on their record to get a decent job. How will you support yourselves? You did not way whether your boyfriend graduated HS or not, but if he didn't, it will practically impossible for him to get any decent job. If you want to finish HS, you won't be able to work full time, so where will you get rent money? Living with in-laws can get quite unpleasant even if you start of liking them because you can't really create a life together when you have to live under someone else's rules.

 

Also you didn't say how long you both have been recovering drug addiction, but if it hasn't been that long then there is the danger that one or both of you could slip back.

 

Trust me, living together with someone is hard and risky. I had no idea how hard it would be living with my boyfriend before we started, you get to know the person a lot, and some of what you find you will not like. If your husband-to be-slips back into addiction there is a good chance that he could beat you, lie to you to get money to feed his addiction, have unprotected sex and then bring you an STD, etc. I know right now you are saying "my sweetie would never do that" but addiction can turn people, as you probably know yourself being a recovering addict.

 

I don't think you have to wait five years if you don't want to, but wait until you graduate and he gets out of prison. That you can see if he will follow through and be responsible and get a job and still be faithful to you.

 

You mentioned that you will be " starting your life" next year. It sounds to me a little bit like you just want be an adult as quickly as possible and and have all the things that come with adulthood like marriage, a family, children, etc. But let me tell you anyone can walk down the isle in a white dress and then get knocked up, it's making sure that you are ready to provide and care for your family and that you are marrying a person that is responsible enough to do the same that really makes you an adult. I am not trying to judge your fiance but it sounds like he acted pretty irresponsibly recently by getting a DUI so he doesn't really sound like a good person to marry right now. Maybe he will turn his life around, but don't commit yourself to him until you actually see him do that. It takes a lot more than love to have a good relationship and raise a family.

[Mustang Sally]

My advice -

If you are going to be "on your own" next year (at 17), then why don't you try taking care of yourself for awhile? Living by yourself, keeping your own home, making your own money, paying all of your own expenses, etc. Try being self-sufficient for a little while before you jump into a marriage. It can only make you a better spouse for your future H.

 

Keep your R going, in the interim, but give yourself a little "you-time."

 

Once you are married, you have made a commitment to be with this man forever. You won't have the same opportunity for "you-time."

 

Even if you think right now that you don't need it, seize this opportunity. Give yourself some time to find yourself, BY yourself before you get into that kind of arrangement.

 

Good luck.

[Kasan]

I don't understand what the big hurry is to get married. Your parents are right....you are simply way to young to get married to anyone!

 

It is not my intention to preach to you, so if it comes off like I am I apologize.

 

But I ask again, what is the hurry? You can not even imagine the amount of growing (emotionally) that you will do in the next few years. You will have some great times with your friends, you will make mistakes, as well as make some great decisions. But the most important part of all this is when you screw up, you will have a safe place to land.

 

Why would you want to jump into the adult world? Every decision that you make as an adult will have repercussions. Can I sleep in or do I go to work because the rent is due, car insurance is due, and oh yeah, I need to eat. Being adult is not as romantic as it sounds! Sometimes, it pretty much sucks!

 

To further complicate the issue is your boyfriend has a drug problem. How will this impact his earning power? Has he graduated school? Is he in college? You get where I am going with this.

 

If it were me, I would get a plan together before I jumped into getting married. What happens if my marriage doesn't work out? How will I support myself? Where will I live? What will I do if my boyfriend slips? What if I become pregnant?

 

If you read the marriage threads in this forum, you will see that marriage is not for the faint of heart. Even in the best situations, with much older couples, success is not guaranteed.

 

I understand your parent's fears...because they are afraid for you. I also applaud you for being upfront with your parents, that must have taken a lot of courage.

 

You should really take this time to grow and mature and become the woman that you were meant to be. If you marry now, you will stunt the growth that should have happened during this time, essentially cheating yourself out a great future.

 

Good luck!

[norajane]

One of my friends met a boy in rehab clinic when they were both teenagers. They fell in love, and then they both went their separate ways. They finished college, got jobs, and became responsible for their lives.

 

At 28, she started dating him again, and they married 2 years later. They have a beautiful daughter and another on the way.

 

She says had they tried to stay together right out of rehab, they'd never be together now. Neither of them was anywhere near capable of making a forever kind of choice at that age and in that state of mind.

 

If it's love, it'll last. You don't have to worry about waiting, because it will still be there. But if you rush it, you'll destroy it.

[lovelorcet]

If it's love, it'll last. You don't have to worry about waiting, because it will still be there. But if you rush it, you'll destroy it.

 

I have to completely agree with this. There really is no rush, take your time.

[ahah2322]

hey babe, your post was worrying. i'm 18 and i am not ready to marry my bf of 3yrs and this is not because my love for him is not as strong. the point i'm trying to convey is that you still have a whole life ahead of you so the notion of you trying to lapse into adulthood and the complications of marriage is unsettling and confounding.

 

yes, you do love your bf but i'm quite sure you do not need to get engaged to prove it. enjoy your life first and study hard for your final year.

 

how long have you known this guy? from the description of him, his background sounds a tad dubious. perhaps you should be with him for a couple of years before taking the plunge. in any case, both of you surely possess the time and youth to wait. no need to rush, babe!

[tommyr]

I'm 16 years old. My fiance is 19.

 

He's a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, as am I.

 

Do you have a sponsor? Does he? Let me take a wild-ass guess what both are telling you guys....

WORK ON YOUR RECOVERY, NOT YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

 

Neither one of you are relationship material at this stage. You are so deep in the woods right now that you don't even see the friggin trees!

I suggest you get very involved at your homegroup (you do have one right?) and get busy working those 12 steps. Slow down on the relationship - life is a journey not a race.

[sugarcoma]

Do you have a sponsor? Does he? Let me take a wild-ass guess what both are telling you guys....

WORK ON YOUR RECOVERY, NOT YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

 

Neither one of you are relationship material at this stage. You are so deep in the woods right now that you don't even see the friggin trees!

I suggest you get very involved at your homegroup (you do have one right?) and get busy working those 12 steps. Slow down on the relationship - life is a journey not a race.

Um, I'm out of the woods and have been for awhile. I am extremely involved in my homegroup. And trust me, I'm WAY out of the woods.

 

Just figured I'd clarify your assumption that I have no clue about recovery. Yeah, I'm young, but what I've been through is not "little girl" stuff. I've been through hell and back many times. Sobriety has changed me for the better, and I thank God for making me an addict because though it nearly killed me, it didn't. Recovering from addiction hasn't killed me, it's made me stronger.

 

As a matter of fact, I take care of two younger siblings (cooking, cleaning, getting them off to school, etc) because my parents are such drunks they can't get out of bed. I do these things with pride as well. I'm proud to be self sufficient and I'm proud to be able to take care of my sisters at the same time and still be able to function.

 

So please, don't assume I'm immature and "so far in the woods that I can't see the friggin' trees."

[sugarcoma]

hey babe, your post was worrying. i'm 18 and i am not ready to marry my bf of 3yrs and this is not because my love for him is not as strong. the point i'm trying to convey is that you still have a whole life ahead of you so the notion of you trying to lapse into adulthood and the complications of marriage is unsettling and confounding.

 

yes, you do love your bf but i'm quite sure you do not need to get engaged to prove it. enjoy your life first and study hard for your final year.

 

how long have you known this guy? from the description of him, his background sounds a tad dubious. perhaps you should be with him for a couple of years before taking the plunge. in any case, both of you surely possess the time and youth to wait. no need to rush, babe!

We've known eachother since I was 11 and he was 14. We've been dating for about a year. His past is crazy, but he's really getting over it. I can't judge him for doing what I used to do as well. He actually has more recovery time than I do. We've both been to 12 month treatment programs. (different ones of course)

 

Though this is no excuse for his past behavior, he is bipolar and that certainly didn't make things easy for him growing up. They just now have got him on a stable treatment plan for the Bipolar disorder.

 

Thanks for your insight!

[sugarcoma]

I don't understand what the big hurry is to get married. Your parents are right....you are simply way to young to get married to anyone!

 

It is not my intention to preach to you, so if it comes off like I am I apologize.

 

But I ask again, what is the hurry? You can not even imagine the amount of growing (emotionally) that you will do in the next few years. You will have some great times with your friends, you will make mistakes, as well as make some great decisions. But the most important part of all this is when you screw up, you will have a safe place to land.

 

Why would you want to jump into the adult world? Every decision that you make as an adult will have repercussions. Can I sleep in or do I go to work because the rent is due, car insurance is due, and oh yeah, I need to eat. Being adult is not as romantic as it sounds! Sometimes, it pretty much sucks!

 

To further complicate the issue is your boyfriend has a drug problem. How will this impact his earning power? Has he graduated school? Is he in college? You get where I am going with this.

 

If it were me, I would get a plan together before I jumped into getting married. What happens if my marriage doesn't work out? How will I support myself? Where will I live? What will I do if my boyfriend slips? What if I become pregnant?

 

If you read the marriage threads in this forum, you will see that marriage is not for the faint of heart. Even in the best situations, with much older couples, success is not guaranteed.

 

I understand your parent's fears...because they are afraid for you. I also applaud you for being upfront with your parents, that must have taken a lot of courage.

 

You should really take this time to grow and mature and become the woman that you were meant to be. If you marry now, you will stunt the growth that should have happened during this time, essentially cheating yourself out a great future.

 

Good luck!

Thanks for the insight.

 

I guess alot of why I feel this is the right decision is because I've done the growing up I want to do. My parents are such alcoholics they can't get out of bed and since I was 10, I have been taking care of my little sisters (feeding, clothing, bathing, getting them to school, homework) all while dealing with my own stuff as well (which wasn't "normal" teenage stuff anyways). I take alot of pride in that. Yeah, I had to grow up really fast and sooner than I should have, but it's helped me become who I am today. I probably should have been more clear in my first post about my situation. Pretty much, I'm on my own already (I even pay rent for the most part) and have been for awhile.

 

But with marriage, I think we may just wait. I mean, we'll stay engaged, but probably not marry right away. I think emancipation may be a better option. I love my parents, but it's too much to take care of them. I'm kindof in a rut and don't know what to do. It's like I'm the parent (of all of them) but because they are my "legal guardians" they are in charge of me.

[IpAncA]

I don't even remember wanting to marry crossing my mind let alone my friends at that age. I was more concerned about getting a car. But besides that, why it is so important you marry this young? People change over time and believe me you both will. Your only 16 and he's only 19.

 

Finish high school, go to college, find yourself, make a life, and then marry. Not saying you wouldn't if you married now but for pete's sake think of what your doing. Can you really see yourself doing this and have all the things you want out of life? It's not easy and everything doesn't just "come out in the wash" as I use to think. Things get stuck and it takes a hell of an effort to fix it. There's so much that goes into it. Money, place to stay, etc...

 

And yes you may not be immature when it comes to taking care of your sibs but that doesn't make you mature across the board. You may think we don't understand but we were all a teen once.

 

BTW I do agree with you waiting. Smart choice.

[sb129]

One of my friends met a boy in rehab clinic when they were both teenagers. They fell in love, and then they both went their separate ways. They finished college, got jobs, and became responsible for their lives.

 

At 28, she started dating him again, and they married 2 years later. They have a beautiful daughter and another on the way.

 

She says had they tried to stay together right out of rehab, they'd never be together now. Neither of them was anywhere near capable of making a forever kind of choice at that age and in that state of mind.

 

If it's love, it'll last. You don't have to worry about waiting, because it will still be there. But if you rush it, you'll destroy it.

 

 

This is so true. Sugarcoma, I admire you and feel sad that you have ha experiences that you shouldn't have had at your age.

 

Marriage isn't your only escape from that life though- you can get out of it by educating yourself, finishing school, finding a job or career and becoming self sufficient.

Marriage will always be an option if you and your BF stay together successfully long term- there is no time limit on it!

 

School and education on the other hand are much much better if you take the opportunities that are available to you right now. Ask anyone who didn't finish high school- its alot tougher to go back and finish it when you finally get around to realising its a good idea!

 

You don't have to go to college- but there are so many jobs out there that would welcome bright, mature high school graduates like yourself that give on-the-job training and opportunities.

But let me tell you anyone can walk down the isle in a white dress and then get knocked up, it's making sure that you are ready to provide and care for your family and that you are marrying a person that is responsible enough to do the same that really makes you an adult.

 

I absolutely agree with this.

 

I am 29- and still nervous about having kids! You have your whole life ahead of you, and if hes worth his salt, your BF will be there to share it regardless of whether you marry or not.

[Kasan]

Thanks for the insight.

 

I guess alot of why I feel this is the right decision is because I've done the growing up I want to do. My parents are such alcoholics they can't get out of bed and since I was 10, I have been taking care of my little sisters (feeding, clothing, bathing, getting them to school, homework) all while dealing with my own stuff as well (which wasn't "normal" teenage stuff anyways). I take alot of pride in that. Yeah, I had to grow up really fast and sooner than I should have, but it's helped me become who I am today. I probably should have been more clear in my first post about my situation. Pretty much, I'm on my own already (I even pay rent for the most part) and have been for awhile.

 

I really feel for you. Having alcoholic parents does scar and stunt your childhood as well as pushes you into some aspects of adulthood very early. I understand more than you could ever know.

 

Is there another family member who will be able to watch out for your sisters should you leave? Perhaps you were using getting married as a way to leave your situation?

 

Do you have someone of your own that you can talk to about this situation with your parents?

 

What will emancipation accomplish? I am not familiar with it.

 

You should feel a great deal of pride in how you have handled yourself. You have been dealt a tough set of circumstances of which you didn't choose. I am glad to hear that you are considering waiting to marry.

 

I am really concerned about you and your sisters though, especially where you state that you are an alcoholic. I am sure that you are aware of the genetic markers for alcoholism. Stay strong in your recovery. I also worry about your boyfriends issues. You definitely have a lot on your plate...are you to busy focusing on all of the other issues and using is it as an excuse not to focus on your own? I mean this in all kindness.

 

One last question....what is this rut you are in?

 

Please take care of yourself.

 

K

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Infatuation says, "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing him."

Love says, "Be patient. Don't panic. He is yours. Plan your future with confidence."

 

I'm sure you think you're mature for your age, but believe me, you still have a LOT of growing up to do.