Self Sabotage

[Kamille]

Does anyone else feel like they sabotage themselves when it comes to romance?

 

I met this really cute - never mind - this really hot new guy, he invited me out casually, I went, he e-mailed me the day after and I could very easily invite him to dinner but a part of me feels like I'd rather not bother.

 

And here I am also feeling lonely, dreaming about falling asleep in someone's arm.

 

I'm just so tired of the drama involved in romance.

[Road Rage]

I have self sabatoged myself for over 35 years. So, yes, you are not alone.

 

Your situation does suggest self sabatoge.

[dropdeadlegs]

Does anyone else feel like they sabotage themselves when it comes to romance?

 

I met this really cute - never mind - this really hot new guy, he invited me out casually, I went, he e-mailed me the day after and I could very easily invite him to dinner but a part of me feels like I'd rather not bother.

 

And here I am also feeling lonely, dreaming about falling asleep in someone's arm.

 

I'm just so tired of the drama involved in romance.

Kamille, I have self sabotaged, but more in the way of making choices that the little angel on my right shoulder was speaking to me loudly, and I ignored him/her.

 

This hot guy...I assume that you didn't feel a compatibility chemistry although by acknowledging his hot-ness you seem to have a physical chemistry.

 

Or maybe you are just being too picky. Or building a self protection wall. Or maybe just tired of dating.

 

You know better than I, just some fruit for thought. I think you are awesome and if I was a guy I would date you in a heartbeat. Maybe hot guy was feeling the same.

 

Remember, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[Trialbyfire]

The hotness factor doesn't matter. If the chemistry's not there, it's not going to happen. If I think of the last guy I was dating, he was everything you could ever ask for in a guy plus more.

 

Not everyone will ring your bell. I don't see it as self-sabotage.

[Kamille]

Thanks for the food for thought. I think I am building a wall, honestly, because the fact is, this man is probably the first guy to cross my path in a long while with whom I have a lot in common. His presence is kind of thrilling. So much so that might instinct is to run the other way.

 

I just don't feel like I have anytime for anything complicated right now.

 

He makes me feel vulnerable and I would rather avoid feeling that way then risking anything.

 

He seems incredibly self-confident and that makes me feel nervous. But I guess if I keep feeling this way around him, then, well, that's because it's just not meant to be anything.

 

Tell you what guys... There's a show tonight he might enjoy. I'll invite him. And keep you all posted.

[Kamille]

I'm starting to wonder if I'm not some kind of dating head case.

 

I went out with this guy and everything went really well. We're supposed to see each other again next week and he kept talking about all the fancy dishes he wants to cook for me.

 

A way to my heart is definitely through my stomach.

 

BUT since the date I can't stop thinking about this one guy I dated last summer who wasn't over his ex-girlfriend and was therefore very hot and cold towards me. I suddenly miss him and wish I had a way to get a hold of him. What gives?

[Trialbyfire]

I can relate Kamille. I'm at the point where I'm wondering about being willing or even capable of wanting to complicate my life. I like the freedom of being single and aren't looking for more. It's an opportunity to get my bearings.

 

Are you dredging up past unavailable men to protect yourself from getting involved? Maybe it's time to take a dating break.

[Kamille]

I can relate Kamille. I'm at the point where I'm wondering about being willing or even capable of wanting to complicate my life. I like the freedom of being single and aren't looking for more. It's an opportunity to get my bearings.

 

Are you dredging up past unavailable men to protect yourself from getting involved? Maybe it's time to take a dating break.

 

Ah Trial, thanks. That's exactly it... I'm very confortable with myself right now, I have so much going on at work and with friends and I just don't feel like having any complications in my life. But I've felt like that for awhile.

 

So are you dating anyone right now? I know you were seeing someone a while ago.

 

Funny thing is, last weekend I was out for a walk in the woods and realized that I was very happy being on a dating break. (Hadn't gone out on a date since August). I remember thinking something along the lines of: I can't imagine having the time or energy to date right now.

 

So I was happily on a dating break. But even as I thought the words: dating break I thought: sht, what's this they say about it always happens when you're not looking?

 

And of course, that day I ran into this new guy.

 

And yeah, you're probably right. I think I am dredging up the most unavalaible of all unavailable men as a way to not get involved. So far, from what I can tell, this new guy is probably a lot more of a match for me then any guy I have dated in the last three years. You know when you meet someone who you kow you can realistically be with? Like within two hours, you have a fair idea of not only their qualities but also their faults - and you also know that these are the kind of faults you can work with - because they match your own? When there is no idealisation going on?

 

Well this new guy is that. The other unavailable ex was someone I purely idealized.

[Trialbyfire]

I was dating someone but shut it down about a week and a half ago. It just wasn't happening with me. He was a great guy who understood since I was upfront about it.

 

While I do understand the quick connection, it takes a lot longer for me to consider someone "of interest". A different type of self-protection, I suppose.

 

Take your time Kamille. If you try to rush it, you'll continue to get disillusioned and wonder what's wrong with you. There's no timeline for being in the right frame of mind to want to risk investment.

[Kamille]

Oh I plan to take my time. I think I am going to add a signature to my profile: I said once, I'll say it again: JUST SLOW DOWN PEOPLE. Or maybe the Feist song: tout doux tout doux tout doucement, toujours tout doux tout doucement, comme ça, la vie je la comprends.

 

But why is it that me putting on the breaks is precisely what enables him to feel confortable and just lay it on thick? I wish I could meet someone who wanted to take things as slow as I do.

[Trialbyfire]

Whoah Nellie!! Run, run, run away from the guy who's drawn to unavailability. If you ever turn on him and invest, he'll bolt. If you become unavailable again, he'll be back. It's a sick game of cat and mouse, where the roles keep on reversing. Don't do this to yourself.

[Timberlane]

It's kind of sad that both of you feel like a man in your life is too complicating. It shouldn't have to be such a burden. One should be able to keep their own life, see friends, and do all of the things they used to. I've been single for more than two years now and really am done with it. It's great for what it is and I like the freedom and not having to be accountable to someone else. But then again my ex never smothered me, expected I would spend every weekend day with her, or needed to know every detail about where I had been.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree that you can retain freedoms within a relationship. You've had your two year sabbatical where I've never had that luxury. It's what I need right now and be damned, I'm going to take it.

[Timberlane]

I agree that you can retain freedoms within a relationship. You've had your two year sabbatical where I've never had that luxury. It's what I need right now and be damned, I'm going to take it.

 

Oh, I got you.

 

Do take one, then. This would be the time to travel as well and to get into things that might have been difficult to arrange in the past, like learning Argentine tango.

 

Hey Kamile, you are at least going on these dates, so you aren't sabotaging things completely.

[Kamille]

Whoah Nellie!! Run, run, run away from the guy who's drawn to unavailability. If you ever turn on him and invest, he'll bolt. If you become unavailable again, he'll be back. It's a sick game of cat and mouse, where the roles keep on reversing. Don't do this to yourself.

 

Two hours Trial - I was being extremely practical and he was talking fine cuisine to try and charm me. everything slow slow slow. I think I should at least let him cook me some Fish soup à la provençal before I bolt the other way. (Did I mention he's French?) He hasn't really crossed the line into overkill either. He is just enjoying being able to chase a little I think.

 

And Timberlane, you're right. It is sad that I think of dating as too complicated. But I have a lot of stress at work and dating is a roller coaster all on its own and I don't have much time or energy for that. I wish I could find someone who would just fit into my life. Where things would just fall into place.

[Trialbyfire]

Watch out for the chefs. You'll find yourself addicted to fine cuisine. All it takes is one hit and then...poof...you're a lost cause... As soon as he brings out the caviar and chanterelles, you can be guaranteed he's looking for more future business.

[Kamille]

Hey Kamile, you are at least going on these dates, so you aren't sabotaging things completely.

 

Very true! But then I had to force myself to take the bait he set up and arrange a dinner out.

 

And what do I do after? Immediately start back-pedaling.

 

I have to say though, Trial, whether you are doing it consciensouly are not (which I wouldn't put past you), I am feeling the effects of reverse psychology at play here. You telling me to run the other way is making me realize that I am making a big deal out of nothing. Thanks TBF!

[Timberlane]

 

And Timberlane, you're right. It is sad that I think of dating as too complicated. But I have a lot of stress at work and dating is a roller coaster all on its own and I don't have much time or energy for that. I wish I could find someone who would just fit into my life. Where things would just fall into place.

 

I'd like that immediate good fit, too, but right now I have drama and chaos on the other end. I try not to let it resonate poorly with me. And I am definitely going to keep looking in the mean time. I have a date with someone I have known for about a month now. She has her life more together than the other woman, so it might work out better. The first woman hasn't seemed interested in anything long term in any case, so there may be no future there as it is.

[Trialbyfire]

You telling me to run the other way is making me realize that I am making a big deal out of nothing. Thanks TBF!

Haha...note the cautionary about chefs? Glad to have helped in whatever way possible.

[Kamille]

Watch out for the chefs. You'll find yourself addicted to fine cuisine. All it takes is one hit and then...poof...you're a lost cause... As soon as he brings out the caviar and chanterelles, you can be guaranteed he's looking for more future business.

 

oh i noticed the note. And I am very impressionable when it comes to any kind of cuisine that uses nothing but fresh ingredients. If he brings out Chanterelles, I am doomed! I swear I'll be running out of that door faster then Ben Johnson on steroids.

[Trialbyfire]

oh i noticed the note. And I am very impressionable when it comes to any kind of cuisine that uses nothing but fresh ingredients. If he brings out Chanterelles, I am doomed! I swear I'll be running out of that door faster then Ben Johnson on steroids.

Haha...and can that Ben run, run Ben run... If I didn't believe you were a fellow Canadian before, I'm now 100% convinced that you are.

 

Try not to think with your palate Kamille. If you show this kind of weakness, his next move will be truffle-based. Big red flag. Don't be fooled by flavour.

[Timberlane]

You guys are just being silly now. Dating is SERIOUS.

[RichC]

Kamille

 

This reminds me of my current problems. I am swinging so fast between gotta find a woman and I like being alone that I am getting motion sickness. My divorce is almost over and not "having someone" after sixteen years is disconcerting to say the least. I really have to hammer it into my head that I am really not ready for any kind of relationship. I have had plenty of interest from women but I am just not ready so I politely say "no thanks" and leave it at that,

[Kamille]

Try not to think with your palate Kamille. If you show this kind of weakness, his next move will be truffle-based. Big red flag. Don't be fooled by flavour.

 

LOL! Oh no! Not truffles! EGAG!!! That would be the end of me.

 

I believe this guy completely capable of steak flank with its truffle and chanterelle sauce. Just a nice little something he whipped up in a hurry. Now for a nice little bottle of l'Hermitage. And then he will ask: "Shall we have the mousse au chocolat in my bedroom?"

 

Fortunately, provisions of truffles are limited in my neck of the woods.

[Kamille]

Kamille

 

This reminds me of my current problems. I am swinging so fast between gotta find a woman and I like being alone that I am getting motion sickness. My divorce is almost over and not "having someone" after sixteen years is disconcerting to say the least. I really have to hammer it into my head that I am really not ready for any kind of relationship. I have had plenty of interest from women but I am just not ready so I politely say "no thanks" and leave it at that,

 

I really miss the confort and support of a relationship, when the relationship is going well. But dating? Dating is so daunting.

 

I congratulate you for having the strenght to walk away when you are not ready. My meaningful relationship has been over three years now and I think I have sorted through most of the baggage. Plus most of the baggage was actually good and well-worth keeping.

 

Let's just say I think my ex set the bar pretty high for any potential candidate.

 

I don't know... It just feels like it would be foolish of me to not investigate what Mr. Chanterelle-chocolate-mousse has to offer. But I also have accumulated quite a serie of short dating relationships in the last 2 years. Mr. Chanterelle is actually just a little more threatening then any of the other guys I have dated in the past. And therefore, my finger is hovering very close to the eject button.