Self Sabotage

[Timberlane]

Only eject if you get into trouble, otherwise they are going to take you in front of the committee like Gus Grisham. "It just BLEW!"

[johan]

I don't know... It just feels like it would be foolish of me to not investigate what Mr. Chanterelle-chocolate-mousse has to offer. But I also have accumulated quite a serie of short dating relationships in the last 2 years. Mr. Chanterelle is actually just a little more threatening then any of the other guys I have dated in the past. And therefore, my finger is hovering very close to the eject button.

 

I feel bad for the poor guy. He obviously likes you. But I also haven't heard you mention that he's trying to get serious with you. So maybe there's nothing wrong with hanging out and getting to know him and having fun. Maybe you're over-thinking it, putting too much meaning into it.

 

As far as the cooking thing goes: people who think they are, or actually are, good cooks like to show it off. You can go enjoy a nice meal, maybe get naked, and just possibly go home feeling warm and happy with your independence intact. Maybe you'd be doing him a favor to share your fears with him.

[Zapbasket]

I really miss the confort and support of a relationship, when the relationship is going well. But dating? Dating is so daunting.

 

Yes, that's exactly it, I think. Once you've been in an intimate relationship for any length of time, you get accustomed to the predictability. You know where you stand, and so things that happen outside the relationship are easier to deal with. I've always hated dating and never done much of it, because I can't see a point in spending my time "shopping" for a relationship when instead I could just plan to go out and do things I enjoy and trust that the right person will come my way sometime.

 

I congratulate you for having the strenght to walk away when you are not ready. My meaningful relationship has been over three years now and I think I have sorted through most of the baggage. Plus most of the baggage was actually good and well-worth keeping.

 

I, too, think it's great to be able to know your limits like TBF. I remember back when I was 21, I met this 30-year-old named Ran, to whom I gave mixed messages like crazy, and from whom I ultimately, well, ran! Because I just wasn't ready. Not only that, I wasn't interested. Sometimes I think if it's someone truly good for us, even if we have tendencies for self-sabotage, we'll somehow in spite of ourselves find ourselves sticking around to see what might happen. I always think of what a good friend said to me several months ago: compatibility isn't just about values and personality traits, but also about TIMING. If the RIGHT person comes along at the WRONG time, then at that point s/he's just not the right person.

 

A question for you on the 3-year relationship recovery. How was it to begin dating again? I've been broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years for 10 months. I have too many things in my life I need to get in order for me to feel open enough to date anyone right now. But I find myself feeling increasingly open to the possibility. How are those first dates with someone who genuinely interests you, when your memory still holds fresh the patterns of your meaningful relationship?

 

I don't know... It just feels like it would be foolish of me to not investigate what Mr. Chanterelle-chocolate-mousse has to offer. But I also have accumulated quite a serie of short dating relationships in the last 2 years. Mr. Chanterelle is actually just a little more threatening then any of the other guys I have dated in the past. And therefore, my finger is hovering very close to the eject button.

 

Good luck! At least stick around to sample his full menu...in all senses. I've always had a fantasy of dating a chef; few things seem sexier than that!

[Kamille]

I feel bad for the poor guy. He obviously likes you. But I also haven't heard you mention that he's trying to get serious with you. So maybe there's nothing wrong with hanging out and getting to know him and having fun. Maybe you're over-thinking it, putting too much meaning into it.

 

As far as the cooking thing goes: people who think they are, or actually are, good cooks like to show it off. You can go enjoy a nice meal, maybe get naked, and just possibly go home feeling warm and happy with your independence intact. Maybe you'd be doing him a favor to share your fears with him.

 

To be honest, I'm not too worried about him. Yes he likes me and is not afraid to show it. But the reason why I'm freaking out so much is that he's also very self-confident. A friend a mine has met him and she thinks he's a player. To me he's just French.

 

He's from France and he's lived in Montreal for awhile and it shows. In Canada, Montrealers are known as ... as what... TBF, help me out here... As the don juans of the country? Let's just say that everytime I go to Montreal, I get approached by a well-dressed, well-spoken man who just has that air about him, like seduction is a hobby. Attraction is a lot more overt in that city then in any other city I have set foot in in the US or Canada. It's funny because there it seems to be a lot less linked to issues of self-esteem and self-worth then elsewhere. Everybody seems to think that everybody else has something unique and charming to offer.

 

I love Montreal.

 

But anyways - part of the chef's charms is that I doubt I will be crushing his ego in any way. And yes, you're right, I am over thinking it. I will go and test out his culinary skills. I think I've convinced my own self with the mention of chocolate mousse. Maybe I will cook him dinner and make chocolate mousse.

[Kamille]

Sometimes I think if it's someone truly good for us, even if we have tendencies for self-sabotage, we'll somehow in spite of ourselves find ourselves sticking around to see what might happen. I always think of what a good friend said to me several months ago: compatibility isn't just about values and personality traits, but also about TIMING. If the RIGHT person comes along at the WRONG time, then at that point s/he's just not the right person.

 

Let's hope that it's true that if the right person comes along, we will stick around in spite of ourselves. And yes, I believe it has a lot to do with timing, except that in my case, I feel like after three years, and considering that I am happy with my life, if I am not ready now I might never be ready.

 

Maybe I am ready but have yet to meet someone who might be worthwhile. And I'm freaking out about this guy because he does stand a chance.

 

A question for you on the 3-year relationship recovery. How was it to begin dating again? I've been broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years for 10 months. I have too many things in my life I need to get in order for me to feel open enough to date anyone right now. But I find myself feeling increasingly open to the possibility. How are those first dates with someone who genuinely interests you, when your memory still holds fresh the patterns of your meaningful relationship?

 

My first date was 8 months after the break-up, with someone who pursued me relentlessly and to whom I hardly gave the time of day. I hadn't sorted out much by then and realize now that no guy stood a chance with me. I missed my ex and being in the security of a relationship like mad but had thrown myself into work as a way to ignore everything. The first few dates felt kind of ritualized. And meaningless.

 

It took me a year before I actually went on a date with someone who I was genuinely interested in, and he was basically the complete opposite of my ex. It actually all went really well - by then I had resolved that no one could replace my ex, but that I was open to the possibility of experiencing something that would be just as beautiful, but completely different. Does that make sense?

 

Hmmm... Maybe this is another reason why the chef freaks me out. He is the first guy I date who does remind me of my ex. Food for thought!

 

Good luck! At least stick around to sample his full menu...in all senses. I've always had a fantasy of dating a chef; few things seem sexier than that!

 

Thanks!

[Trialbyfire]

In Canada, Montrealers are known as ... as what... TBF, help me out here... As the don juans of the country?

l'homme magnifique?

[Kamille]

hmmmmm.... sweet sexy montrealers.

[Trialbyfire]

But...can he play all day and all night? Something to find out, non?

[uniqueone]

Whoah Nellie!! Run, run, run away from the guy who's drawn to unavailability. If you ever turn on him and invest, he'll bolt. If you become unavailable again, he'll be back. It's a sick game of cat and mouse, where the roles keep on reversing. Don't do this to yourself.

 

I am sooooooo familiar with this type it's not even funny.

[Trialbyfire]

I am sooooooo familiar with this type it's not even funny.

All I will say is that I speak from personal experience, as well.

[Kamille]

I am sooooooo familiar with this type it's not even funny.

 

Me too actually. But that's why I think it's important to take things slow in the beginning and not invest myself too much emotionnally. I have learned this the hard way, believe me.

 

And TBF, I have the sense that this here boy we are talking about could possibly exceed expectations when it comes to playing all day all night.

 

But must resist the urge to fantasize about him too much too soon.

[Trialbyfire]

To all boltees, the exit is the second door to your left. Don't forget to lock it on your way out as a courtesy to me. If you don't want to do it, it's okay too, 'cause I'll be using a heavy bolt on my side.

[Timberlane]

I suspect ze woman I am zeeing has bolted. She no call and it is three days since I have. Ze messages pile up and she no listen to them. But I suspected zis would happen, and so I have some eggs left to make an omlette zat were not in ze basket!

 

Why ze hell do I speek like zis?

[Kamille]

I suspect ze woman I am zeeing has bolted. She no call and it is three days since I have. Ze messages pile up and she no listen to them. But I suspected zis would happen, and so I have some eggs left to make an omlette zat were not in ze basket!

 

Why ze hell do I speek like zis?

 

you speek like zis because of all ze talk of montrealers and frenchmen, oui?

 

sorry ze woman has given no sign of life. maybe she no call because she step into fourth dimanssion by miztake? maybe she no like chocolate mousse?

 

Now I am going to start another thread. about the same guy. in the dating section. Watch me go!

[Timberlane]

you speek like zis because of all ze talk of montrealers and frenchmen, oui?

 

sorry ze woman has given no sign of life. maybe she no call because she step into fourth dimanssion by miztake? maybe she no like chocolate mousse?

 

Quite possibly, mon ami. I cannot be bothered! Tweeet tweet away, little bird. I can not cage you, so flyyyyyyy.

 

Now I am going to start another thread. about the same guy. in the dating section. Watch me go!

 

I am there. Seee you.

[travelinjan]

Hi I am new here and I do see this post is kinda old like a year ago but I have been there and done this so many times.....and sorry to say there is a name called for it but for the life of me I cant think of it.....I went to therapy for it years ago....because every relationship I was in I would screw it up on purpose because that is what I did!! I would start trouble with the men I dated so they would not like me...I would just do what every I could so my relationship or what would start out as one would just blow up.. .. so please dont feel alone.... I am trying to think of what the name of this disorder is called.. its something like "self forfilling" something... but anyways you can looking it up on the internet...good luck...

[Kamille]

Hi I am new here and I do see this post is kinda old like a year ago but I have been there and done this so many times.....and sorry to say there is a name called for it but for the life of me I cant think of it.....I went to therapy for it years ago....because every relationship I was in I would screw it up on purpose because that is what I did!! I would start trouble with the men I dated so they would not like me...I would just do what every I could so my relationship or what would start out as one would just blow up.. .. so please dont feel alone.... I am trying to think of what the name of this disorder is called.. its something like "self forfilling" something... but anyways you can looking it up on the internet...good luck...

 

oh no darling, this thread is hot off the press. I think I started it two days ago.

 

is the term you are looking for 'self-fulfilling prophecy"?

 

And welcome to Loveshack.

[travelinjan]

'self-fulfilling prophecy" yes that is it.. I had to work on that my self.. for a long time but Im cured!! lol seriously tho I had to get help because I was a mess doing that thing with screwing up relationships.. but yes thank you for finding it or figuring it out..

[uniqueone]

'self-fulfilling prophecy" yes that is it.. I had to work on that my self.. for a long time but Im cured!! lol seriously tho I had to get help because I was a mess doing that thing with screwing up relationships.. but yes thank you for finding it or figuring it out..

So why were you doing it?

[travelinjan]

I did it because I thought I knew the relationship wasnt going to work so why bother wasting time on it...I thought ok why bother going through the ritual of dating this guy and having it screw up in a year or so when I will just screw it up now...I had no self esteem and I just basically gave up on dating and just went through the motions of dating... with out the emotinal attachments... o I thought ok just screw it up before it starts...

[uniqueone]

I did it because I thought I knew the relationship wasnt going to work so why bother wasting time on it...I thought ok why bother going through the ritual of dating this guy and having it screw up in a year or so when I will just screw it up now...I had no self esteem and I just basically gave up on dating and just went through the motions of dating... with out the emotinal attachments... o I thought ok just screw it up before it starts...

 

Then why did you bother to have relationships at all if you didn't want them?

[travelinjan]

because thats what society tells us were suppose to do.....

were suppose to date...well at least thats what I thought at the time... but I figured it out or rather worked it out in therapy..and Im proud to say ..yes !! I did work it out..!! because now I can have a normal healthy relationship with out being a screw up or screwing up my relationships!! lol its true tho I can..I learned alot, I learned to love..love my self..learned to trust..and learned that not all relationships end in disaster..learned I am worth more then crappy relationships ... I learned alot about my self....