boredmommy Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 long story short, married 2 years, 4 month old baby, husband quit having sex with me when i was pregnant....Even though im having serious body issues since the baby i still tried to renew our sex life and he still rejected me saying things like hes too tired and so on but yet he has quite an appetite for porn...just found some on the computer and he HAD a nice collection but i got rid of it. We had a big talk this past weekend about it and we both agreed we're bored with our sex life but he basically told me that i need to do certain things to spice it up....i say why does it have to be me? and he agreed. I really thought he would start trying again but no, nothing. Anyway, I am very lonely, he works alot and has a very time consuming hobby...i am home with the baby all day/every day and every time we talk about our problems things get better for about a week and then just goes back to normal.... im just sick of it and dont even care anymore. He doesnt even notice that ive lost signifigant weight since the baby, or the fact that i make it a point to get dressed and put some makeup on (Im a SAHM) It seems ridiculous but why get all dressed up when im just gonna get spit up on in 10 mins? Ive read youre supposed to turn to your spouse in times like these...well im sick of being rejected by him. He is not a bad guy, great provider, not a mean bone in his body, but he is so oblivious and very selfish. I am basically screaming for some attention and im not getting any, instead i get comments like "whats up with your hair" and "well if you got dressed more often and put on some makeup...." Tonite he "attempted" (i use that lightly) to have sex but there was no effort, not even an actual touch and i just turned over, i am so hurt and angry, I just want him to pay attention to me and not see me as this fat pregnant woman anymore. Ill tell ya, porn really damages relationships....im looking for trouble cuz im so desperate that im considering an affair just to feel wanted again. Then i think of the consequences and know damn well once you go there it's never the same. I certainly wouldnt want it done to me, and i feel cheated on now by him turning to porn and not to me. Thanks:o Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 Boredmommy, shame this happened to you! The last thing you want is to start an affair especially with a baby just 4 months old! Don't even consider it. This is something I can't quite comprehend. When a W does almost everything to spice things up, the H doesn't cooperate instead pays more attention to porn. Hmmm... no wonder I am always thinking twice about getting married! Do you guys talk a lot over things at home? Discuss stuff? I believe talking to one another helps... Link to post Share on other sites
Author boredmommy Posted October 5, 2007 Author Share Posted October 5, 2007 well like my H said, porn is just easier. Cant blame him but c'mon! As for thinking twice about marriage, it's all well and good in the beginning, the ring, the celebrations of engagement, the planning and finally the wedding. Once its all over its back to reality. i wouldnt have it any other way, I knew I wanted to marry him the minute we met, but its very easy to "forget" all your issues when you're picking out your ring or wedding planning. My advice? Premarital counseling! We communicate fairly well believe it or not but I guess talking about sex is not easy for some people Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 How is porn easier?? I'm sorry I may sound ignorant but I don't think porn is the answer to everything especially when it comes to sex in M. How about you play out a scene since he likes porn so much? Get someone to babysit your baby (maybe your parents or his) and plan something romantic. Maybe that's what he meant by 'spicing things up'... Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 I'm so sorry. Pregnancy can wreak havoc on your body and self esteem. At least it did for me. Why did he stop having sex while you were pregnant? Did you talk about it? Was he afraid of "hurting the baby" or does he find a pregnant woman nonsexual? An affair will only make you feel worse, it will further damage your already unstable self esteem. I haven't had issues with porn, thankfully, but I can see how a man can get an unrealistic view of a female body by continued viewing of it. I guess it depends on the porn since I have seen some pretty undesirable women on those venues. Be proud that you have lost so much of the baby weight. Being a SAHM made that harder for me than when I was working. It is also lonely to be at home with an infant, or even young children. Physical rejection from your husband is surely making you even more lonely. I would be very honest with my husband, even saying that outside attention is looking good at this point. If he doesn't do anything to make things better, and with the pain you are feeling that may take several attempts, I would cut my losses. With a child and no way of supporting yourselves, that would be hard, but a lifetime of the current situation would be even harder. Try to be open to his attention after having a conversation, though. It won't be easy, but it takes two to make a difference. Best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
Author boredmommy Posted October 5, 2007 Author Share Posted October 5, 2007 I'm so sorry. Pregnancy can wreak havoc on your body and self esteem. At least it did for me. Why did he stop having sex while you were pregnant? Did you talk about it? Was he afraid of "hurting the baby" or does he find a pregnant woman nonsexual? yes he was afraid, my gf's told me to tell him not to flatter himself! And no, he does not see a pregnant woman as being sexual, which i completely understand, but the intimacy was lacking as well, no hugs, wasnt really interested in feeling the baby kick. THAT hurt cuz as a pregnant woman you need that closeness more than ever! I haven't had issues with porn, thankfully, but I can see how a man can get an unrealistic view of a female body by continued viewing of it. oh yea, I know some men dont expect women to look like that but when theyre so used to looking at it, how can they be aroused by a 4 month post c-section woman? Thats how i feel like i cant even compete. thanks, it's nice to know im not going crazy Link to post Share on other sites
Author boredmommy Posted October 5, 2007 Author Share Posted October 5, 2007 How is porn easier?? I'm sorry I may sound ignorant but I don't think porn is the answer to everything especially when it comes to sex in M. How about you play out a scene since he likes porn so much? Get someone to babysit your baby (maybe your parents or his) and plan something romantic. Maybe that's what he meant by 'spicing things up'... easier i guess cuz it's not as much work for him and it gets done faster?? you are right but im not feeling particularly sexy right now and i used to do that, it worked well but what about me? why do i have to do all the work? trust me, it's all about him Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 Tonite he "attempted" (i use that lightly) to have sex but there was no effort, not even an actual touch and i just turned over, i am so hurt and angry, I just want him to pay attention to me and not see me as this fat pregnant woman anymore. So let me get this straight. He attempted to initiate, and you turned him down? Did this happen alot before or during the pregnancy? Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 It shouldn't be all about you trying to rekindle the flame. No doubt about that. He has found an outlet for his sexual needs that doesn't include you. That isn't fair, and it won't sustain him for long, but how can you change that? The answer may very well be that you can't. I have noticed many porn related threads on this site in my limited time. Most are geared towards the destruction of a relationship than the use of porn within one. It may be my imagination, but this seems to be a problem more in the younger sect of LoveShack posters. There seems to be more "immediate gratification " motivation in younger people, and I include my own 22 year old son in that equation. He is a porn consumer and has sex toys I didn't even know existed. To be more specific, a rather large rubbery rendition of the female anatomy in a smaller version. It's like a backside and has openings representing the anus and vagina. Apparently his twice pregnant within a year girlfriend just isn't enough! This wasn't helpful at all, but more a continuance of the you're not crazy or alone genre. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 Dropdead, I've noticed that more and more too! It used to be guys that got all up into porn, were the ones who got sexually rejected all the time... they just lost interest in even trying with thier SO. However... I've noticed tons of the ladies here say they have never rejected the H... and yet the porn addiction comes anyway. Why? The only thing I can think of is the ease factor. It's available when you choose... and requires nothing of you in return. Maybe its also risk free in that it will never turn you down.... LOL Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 Dropdead, I've noticed that more and more too! It used to be guys that got all up into porn, were the ones who got sexually rejected all the time... they just lost interest in even trying with thier SO. However... I've noticed tons of the ladies here say they have never rejected the H... and yet the porn addiction comes anyway. Why? The only thing I can think of is the ease factor. It's available when you choose... and requires nothing of you in return. Maybe its also risk free in that it will never turn you down.... LOL Since you so well noted the possible reasons why this alternative could be so enticing, I don't consider it a thread hijack. I agree that you have got it all spot on. Ease, simplicity, and no emotional requirements are what I think it is about. There are far more women than men posting on this subject. The whole thing just isn't good, overall. boredmommy, I hope this exchange has been helpful, without taking away from your post in any way. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 Porn can be an addiction and when a person is addicted the vice is above all else. It is similiar to drugs or alchohol. I look at porn sometimes but mostly it is to get myself more in the mood. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 Porn can be an addiction and when a person is addicted the vice is above all else. It is similiar to drugs or alchohol. I look at porn sometimes but mostly it is to get myself more in the mood. Woggle is right, porn can be addictive. Just do a search on this site alone, and you will see that to be true. Link to post Share on other sites
Bobby NoBrains Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 Go into MC for your communication issues and, for him, IC for his porn addiction. That's the best course of action available to you. Understand that if he is addicted to porn, most of this will not be your fault, he will still behave in a certain way until he is able to get over his porn addiction. Just my two bits .. Bobby Link to post Share on other sites
DazedandConfused66 Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 yes he was afraid, my gf's told me to tell him not to flatter himself! Yeah, ridiculing a mans penis size is a great way to deepen intimacy. Nice advice there. And no, he does not see a pregnant woman as being sexual, which i completely understand, but the intimacy was lacking as well, no hugs, wasnt really interested in feeling the baby kick. THAT hurt cuz as a pregnant woman you need that closeness more than ever! Just curious, did BOTH of you want to have a baby? How is he around the baby now? Does he "dote" on the baby? Change diapers? Feed the baby? Or was baby an "accidental gift" to the marriage? I ask this because in your first post you mentioned he works very long hours AND has some kind of "time consuming hobby" on top of this. What is this hobby? This doesn't sound to me like a highly engaged and involved father. Having a baby when both members of the marriage aren't ready can create all sorts of havoc with the relationship. oh yea, I know some men dont expect women to look like that but when theyre so used to looking at it, how can they be aroused by a 4 month post c-section woman? Thats how i feel like i cant even compete. 4-months post C-section and my wife and I were already having sex again. 2-months after a masectomy and we were having sex again. A man can find a woman highly attractive if he's in love with something deeper than her body. Yes, visual imagery is a big part of a mans sexuality, which is why porn can be such a "quick fix" for a man and do hardly anything for a woman. But it's not the do-all/end-all. Looking at porn without masturbating to it isn't very "fun" for most guys...it just gives them "blue balls" and nothing else. Your husband isn't looking at porn, he's substituted masturbating to it as a means of replacing sex with you. THAT speaks volumes to me that he feels less vulnerable and "safer" whacking off than he does spending time alone with you, intimate or not. But intimacy is more than sex. In a marriage, it starts with trust. If the two of you don't trust one another to cater to each others' needs, everything else can and will fall apart. No sex in the marriage bed is almost always a symptom of something bigger in the relationship, usually a complete lack of aligned goals and an absence of any kind of emotional intimacy. I think dropdeadlegs had the best advice in this thread. Time for brutal honesty with him. If he's hardly ever at the home, he's a live-in boyfriend at this point or he's placed his entire sense of self-worth on whether or not he can provide for you and the baby. Men can do that, but it's self-destructive and typically a sign of insecurity in the relationship. But the fact that you mention he's got time for a hobby that is a major timesink throws out all kinds of red flags to me. That plus self-pleasuring to porn equates to a man who has far too much free time on his hands and an unhealthy view of marriage committments. You both need to get into counseling if you can't communicate this honestly with one another and expect/trust to see effort expended to reconcile. Link to post Share on other sites
LuminousZ Posted October 5, 2007 Share Posted October 5, 2007 Congrats on losing the weight! And I'd say you we're right to delete whatever files you don't like on the computer. Nothing wrong with taking a stand for your values. BUT a statement like this ...even saying that outside attention is looking good at this point. will only serve to further distance him, just as turning your back on his light attempt to get close to you. Why do you feel the need to make it a challenge? I suggest sitting down with him in a time/place free from any distractions, pour a cold beverage the two of you enjoy and calmly discuss how you feel like the porn viewing is interferring with the relationship..., Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 So let me get this straight. He attempted to initiate, and you turned him down? I was also looking for the answer to this question. Boredmommy, first you said "We had a big talk this past weekend about it and we both agreed we're bored with our sex life but he basically told me that i need to do certain things to spice it up....i say why does it have to be me? and he agreed. I really thought he would start trying again" So then he tries, but you reject him because he didn't try hard enough? There might be two sides to this story... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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