Pregnant and husband says he's no longer in love....

[NewlywedTears]

I am new to the board and seeking some advice on my present situation with my marriage.

 

My husband and I became a couple in 1996 after a three-year friendship. We fell in love instantly when we began dating because we had such a strong friendship already built. We were married this past October but have already lived together for three years now.

 

About a year ago we started to have very bad financial problems. Shortly thereafter my husband’s father passed away (my own father passed away right before my husband & I began dating). I became quite depressed because of our money situation and my husband became very withdrawn after his father’s passing. He has had a lot of problems dealing with his father’s loss.

 

Although I was there for him, he would not let me in. In October when we got married I felt as though everything in our relationship was wonderful. On our wedding day he looked at me with such love that no one would doubt we were meant for each other.

 

A few weeks ago I found out I was pregnant and was ecstatic. Although my husband had many times been disappointed when my cycle would start (knowing that I was not pregnant yet) he didn’t seem to be nearly as excited when the pregnancy became official. About a week after I found out I was pregnant he came to me to tell me he was unhappy and that he had fallen out of love with me long before we even married. I was devastated and completely shocked because it always seemed he was still in love as much as I was.

 

I also discovered that he has feeling for a friend of his (that I have not met) but he stated he would not act on them because we are married and he does not wish to hurt me. He says he still loves me –not in love- but is no longer sexually attracted to me and I do not make him happy anymore. Several days passed and he began to ignore me and avoid me. I tried to confront him but he just got angry.

 

The other night I came home and he said ‘I am ready to work on us’. He held me and told me he loves me. We have not talked anymore about it because he is very stubborn and has made it clear he is not willing to talk things through. Since then he has spent all his time (since he was recently fired) talking to the girl that he has feeling for. She is a teenager & eight years younger than him. I am at a loss of what to do.

 

I truly believe somewhere inside of him is the love we once shared. I am putting forth all the effort I have but I don’t know what to do. I have confided this in a few close friends. One suggests I leave him because she went through almost the exact same scenario when she was pregnant. The other suggests I call on my psychic helper.

 

I am seriously open to anything. I consider myself a pretty level headed person but I am open minded and even calling on a psychic helper isn’t out of the question so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Thank you all very much.

[the temptress]

im sorry to hear bout this, this must be so stressful on you and your new baby.

 

it seems the loss of his job and father has brought this on ( im not a pro but it seems all tied in ) financial dificulties are enough to put a strain on any marriage and now you have a baby he may be worried he cannot provide for you both.

 

why dont you suggest a weeknd away or a night in with a take away and just talk things through, evetything you need or want to say, just say it.

 

remeind him of his baby, he is going to be a father and you are ging to be a mother, any marriage is worth fighting for because of a child.

 

when he is standing by your side and then you both hold your baby he will relize how much he loves you. the baby will grab his finger and he will feel a surge of energy through his body like love, happiness and content and soon everything will be forgoten and you both will be fine.

 

when the baby is big enough get a stethascope and make him listen to the babys heart. he will think twice and a for this new woman, thats all it probaly is, a new woman, an infatuation or lust.

 

you have been there fot him all tese years, she has been there five minutes. your the one who loves him and carrying his child and he will see it and soon see the grass is greener when your standing on it.

 

good luck!

[Tony T]

I don't buy for a second that the death of his father had anything to do with this. I am also quite curious as to why he told you he was "ready to work on us" and then refused to talk to you about the relationship.

 

You need to be very firm and let him know quite clearly that he is still part of a relationship/MARRIAGE and that he doesn't need to take up with his teeny bopper friends. The relationship can't heal or thrive unless his attention is on that business and not on other people. What he is doing is rude, a betrayal and not mature behavior at all.

 

The two of you may be ready for emergency counselling. Very often love can become dormant, then emerge again stronger than ever. But that process needs some help sometimes to happen. A good counsellor can help you get this done. His revelation that he was no in love with you even before he married you is pretty bizarre. He could very well be very fearful of the responsilities associated with being a father. You've got to find out why he's being so weird now.

 

I'm sure the love is still there. But you're husband needs to grow up and live up to his committment to you. Step one is to address this problem, communicate with you, and get help to get things back together.

 

Don't be taking his crap. If he won't get help, you should get an attorney!

[Kat]

remeind him of his baby, he is going to be a father and you are ging to be a mother, any marriage is worth fighting for because of a child.

 

Not always. Please remember this!

[Just A Girl2]

Hi there,

I'm really very sorry that you're having to go through this, my heart goes out to you.

 

So what age are you and your husband? Based on the fact that you said his 'friend' is a teenager, and he's 8 yrs older, I'm guessing he's around 26 or 27?

 

This is all really bizarre. So he says he wasn't 'in love with you' even before he married you, so what the hell did he marry you for? He says he's no longer sexually attracted to you, yet you didn't get pregnant by osmosis or immaculate conception, so he can't be that turned off.

 

BUT...he tells you this, then shortly after, says he wants to work on things. What the hell? Why the big sudden change of heart? This is very curious to me. If he's so truly not attracted to you sexually, isn't 'in love' with you, and claims you don't make him happy, then why would he want to work on things?

 

And what the hell is your HUSBAND doing, having "whatever" kind of relationship it is, with this KID? Shame on him!! And frankly (and no offense to teens who may post here), GROSS. He doesn't sound very mature. What on earth would he even have in common with a teenager?

 

I also think it's amazingly rude, cruel, insensitive, inconsiderate and immature of him to be in charge of *if* and *when* you talk about all this. A marriage is about 2 people communicating, it's not about a dictatorship where one partner clams up and makes it known that certain topics are not up for discussion.

 

Sounds like he's really all messed up with this teenybopper.....maybe it's making him feel all studly and manly to have a young gal after him, interested in him. He needs to get a freaking grip.

 

I really agree with the others, that you should try to get to couples' counselling, the both of you....and if he refuses, or wont' even talk about it, then you should go for yourself...so that you can have someone guide you in how to approach this.

 

As for a 'psychic helper', you really believe in that stuff? I think your marriage is too important to leave things up to a likely-fraud who will feed you a bunch of BS. Just my thoughts.

[yes]

is there any place you can stay for a few days? perhaps you could just leave then ... let him feel what it's like to not have you around - perhaps that will shake some sense into him.

 

btw, he can get arrested if he goes too far with that teenager.

 

best of luck,

-yes

[NewlywedTears]

To be more specific on the ages… I am 25 and my husband is 27. The teenage girl is 19.

 

I believe that the loss of my husband’s father did affect him and his outlook on life, which in some way has affected our relationship. As for financial problems it has definitely had a bearing on both of us individually. I do see where he is probably scared of being a father with our financial problems and the fact that he no longer has his father to turn to for guidance. All of these things are unfortunate but I am not blind to see that none of them are an excuse for his behavior.

 

I do have one friend that truly believes that he is still in love with me but is just too screwed up right now to realize this. While I see where she is coming from and hope this is the case I know I cannot count on it. I also wouldn’t know what to do to make him realize how he truly feels if this were the case.

 

At this point I cannot count on him communicating with me or with a counselor. I hope that I can turn him around but I wish in the meantime there was some kind of way to really get through to him. I feel like my husband disappeared one day and left me to live in hell with a horrible stranger.

 

At my first doctor’s visit they did an ultrasound of the baby who was 7 weeks & 1 day at the time. (I will be 9 weeks along tomorrow) He was with me at the appointment but did not want to be there for the ultrasound. I have gathered since then that he regrets missing out on it but I know he would not admit it. I really cannot wait until we will be able to listen to the baby’s heartbeat. No matter how tough he tries to be, I really do think that will have an impact on him.

 

I had a lot of hope when he said he wanted to work on us. I know his way has never been to talk things through but honestly I see no other way to move forward. If he truly wants things to work out I fail to see what we are doing right now to make that happen.

 

Everyone that I have shared this story with is as insistent that I am that the teenage friend needs to be gone from his life. My husband sees no harm in it. He believes I should just trust him. Even if I could trust him, after all the lies he has apparently told me since he fell out of love with me, then that still wouldn’t be the only issue. He also fails to see where he is neglecting me by spending so much time with this friend.

 

He says he married me because he still loved me and wanted to work things out. He thought if he never said anything then he wouldn’t have to hurt me. He figured he could fix things on his own and hopefully fall back in love with me without me ever being the wiser. It is nice to give that angle a try but at some point (before we got married) he should have realized he couldn’t do it on his own. Honestly I am carrying a lot of resentment right now about this.

 

Someone else had suggested to me that the whole deal with the teenager is an ego thing. I can definitely see that. He has also lost 20 pounds in the last month and is jogging every day. Not that I don’t find it flattering when an attractive man pays me attention but I know where to draw the line. I truly don’t think he has crossed the line with her yet but I do not trust that he won’t at some point. This saddens me because I have always had the utmost trust in him in the past and have never been one to be jealous or feel threatened.

 

I have considered getting away for a few days. Right now I am trying to just go out with my friends when I can to get away little by little. I do think that is he does still love me (the way he says he used to) then maybe missing me would be the first step to him realizing this.

 

Thank you all for your suggestions. I am making mental notes of every suggestion I get and trying different things little by little until something seems to work. I am not willing to just give up on this marriage. I do understand that if at some point we cannot reconcile that I will have to let go and not try to stay together just for the baby. I am one of the people who always said that divorce is never an option. I always felt as though most people didn’t take marriage vows seriously enough and if there was something wrong with their relationship then it was an element that was there before marriage that they should have identified. I never once expected that there was something wrong with my relationship and that I was completely clueless.

 

Please keep any thoughts or ideas coming. Thanks again.

[HokeyReligions]

This is difficult and I know very painful. It sounds like he feels that he needs to carry the whole burden, when he used to be able to share it and get guidance from a man he loved and trusted - his father.

 

Men in general, tend to keep things inside. It's difficult for them to express emotion or worry because it makes them feel that they are weak and ineffectual. And it's almost impossible for a close female (wife, mother) to tell them otherwise because we are expected to be supportive. A 19 y/o girl telling him how great he is stroking his ego and making him feel like a man -- hunter-provider, etc.

 

If he won't go to a counselor, try to talk to someone yourself and ask for some help to deal with this and some communication techniques that you can apply.

 

Based on your post, I think what I would do is to tell him, calmly and without tears, that you understand his emotional turmoil and how the pain of losing his father, and losing his job can affect someone's emotions and make them questions their own feelings.

 

Tell him also that while you understand that it's flattering and an obvious ego boost for him, his communicating with this 19 y/o girl is very upsetting to you right now, and ask that he stop talking to her, or seeing her, out of respect for you.

 

Emphasize that all marriage go through ups and downs and many go through similar crisis and survive. Tell him that no matter what is happening now, things will change. He will work again and things will get better --- it's not going to stay the same. That is guaranteed.

 

Let him know that you are there for him if and when he decides he needs to talk, or vent, or cry, or even use you as a sounding board if he's angry - AS LONG AS he is not directing anger AT you. Let him rant about his pain if he needs to, and don't try to fix it or make him feel better, just let him get it out of his system.

 

Tell him you love him and try not to lean on him to much, or make any encouragement you give him sound like pity.

 

Don't approach all the problems at once - each problem deserves to be the focus of a discussion by itself. Deal with financial issues without bringing the girl into the conversation. Deal with the girl without bringing the emotions that revolve around the father's death into it, etc. If you can do this, it won't be so overwhelming.

 

TELL him that you would like to put aside all the hurt, and doubts, and stresses, for a little while and enjoy the pure fact of your impending parenthood. Take a couple of hours and plan an activity or discussion that revolves solely around the pregnancy and the baby. Stay away from your fears about the baby, such as the financial impact a baby will make. Talk about the emotional side of what it means to be a parent. That can be scary too - but it's also exhilarating.

 

Are there activities that you used to do together that you can do now? Foot massage? Back rub? Fix a special meal? Something that may evoke pleasant memories and feelings for you? If he tenses up about it, make sure he knows that you do not expect this to lead to anything (heavy discussion, etc.) but that you are only doing it because that activity itself used to be enjoyed by both of you and that's all you want right now - some mutual enjoyment for a few minutes or so - to relieve the stress.

 

I really think you need to see a couselor. My husband and I went through some very painful times - somewhat similar to yours - and we broke up a few times, then finally he got into counseling and then we went together, and jobs changed, and finances changed, and family changed, and we've been together for a couple of decades now and going strong.

 

Couneling will also help you deal with the pain if he decides he truly wants out of the marriage. personally, I think it's too soon to even consider that -- you have a lot of options yet. Good Luck

[NewlywedTears]

More information on the 19 year-old girl….

 

Her name is Amanda so it will be easier to mention her. I have already told my husband that it bothers me that he spends so much time with her or at least on the phone with her. I have explained that quite honestly I feel threatened by her. He still does not see where there is a problem. God forbid he loose such a good friend over me being ridiculous.

 

He is big on blaming me for loosing friends. When we first started dating he had a male friend (which for the record I liked until he got all crazy) that was extremely jealous of the time & attention my husband was giving me. Eventually this friend stopped talking to him. Then one day my husband woke up to find a toolbox thrown thru his windshield. Not only did he recognize the toolbox but also the guy was stupid enough to admit doing it to one of their mutual friends. There goes friend #1.

 

He made friends with this girl Beth when he was in second grade. Over the years they have lost touch on more than one occasion. About three years ago I met her for the first time. She’s a lesbian so there was never a jealousy thing. But honestly I thought she was a horrible friend to him – always using him. Well, he has lost touch with here again. Not that I am not happy but I fail to see where this was my doing.

 

The night before I found out I was pregnant I was hanging out with a few of my husband’s friends. One is this guy Billy he has been friends with for about 12 years. Anyway Billy was drunk and kept trying to grab my butt. I got really pissed but didn’t tell my husband until after we got home so he wouldn’t start anything with his friend. So I guess that was my fault too.

 

Back to Amanda. This morning we went to breakfast and my husband dropped me off at work. He mentioned that Amanda wanted him to go with her to look at a car to make sure it is mechanically sound. In Houston. (We are in New Orleans) I was pissed but said that was fine as long as they don’t stay overnight and she pays for all expenses. He said she would be paying for all expenses and they would try to get it done in a day. I told him if he spent the night in Houston in the same room as her that he might as well stay there because he wouldn’t have a home to come home to. I am aware that this was not the best reaction I could have had. He said I was overreacting because it was just like a business trip. I pointed out that people of the opposite sex tend to not share rooms on business trips. He asked if I really expected her to pay for two rooms. I asked if he really expected me to be okay with this. Again he pointed out that I should trust him. It is almost as though he is too dumb to see what I see no matter what I say. If he had always been such an idiot maybe I wouldn’t be surprised but normally he is quite intelligent.

 

Thank you HokeyReligions for all your suggestions. I will definitely work on setting aside an activity for us that revolves around the baby as well as trying to do more activities together like we used to. I have already tried the special meals and back rub and that got me nowhere. This Saturday I had made plans with a friend but then realized there was a car show that night that we used to always go to so I mentioned it to him. He didn’t really respond and this morning he tells me that “We might go to the car show with Amanda & her fiancé”. Now granted I have asked time & again to meet Amanda but I was appalled that he would mention the car show to her. Amanda & her fiancé are on again, off again at a ridiculous rate. The latest is that she thinks she may be pregnant again even though my husband had told me that she said she stopped sleeping with her fiancé months ago. That part actually made me happy (that she may be pregnant again). As long as it is the fiancé baby…

 

I'd like to think that Amanda is blind to my husband's interest and genuinly in need of a friend. But she has heard me ask him to call her back so we could lay down for a few minutes together and he would not get off the phone with her. She has heard me complain about the phone calls in the middle of the night that wake me. Any decent person would realize that she was causing problems and back off. I would NEVER do that to someone.

 

I understand that even without Amanda in the picture that my husband & I have problems we need to work through. However it makes it difficult to concentrate on much else when the situation with Amanda makes me furious all the time. If she would just go away that would be a start...

[jeepgirl]

Newlywed...

I am very sorry to hear about your situation - I hope this helps. First things first - get that 19 year old out of the picture, and DO NOT let him go to Houston with her. Do you really think she's going to drive 7-8 hours away to look at a car??? Nothing good can come from this, no matter how much you trust your husband. Have you talked to this girl (and she is a girl) at all?? I'm thinking along the lines of "Back off, or else!) And don't worry about him losing a friend - I seriously doubt the "friendship" is the issue. Besides, he is a grown man - he needs to grow up!!

 

Second, none of this is your fault. It sounds like he caught you completely off guard with his actions and that his self esteem and ego are to blame. Losing twenty pounds is no reason to go hanky-pankying around!! And the issue with his father doesn't explain it either. I lost my mother before I got married, and I went through the normal depression and anger, but I surely didn't go looking for comfort in someone else's arms!!

 

Best of luck with this and hang in there -

[Just A Girl2]

OMG, I can't believe the nerve of him, to try and pull this:

 

Back to Amanda. This morning we went to breakfast and my husband dropped me off at work. He mentioned that Amanda wanted him to go with her to look at a car to make sure it is mechanically sound. In Houston. (We are in New Orleans) I was pissed but said that was fine as long as they don’t stay overnight and she pays for all expenses. He said she would be paying for all expenses and they would try to get it done in a day. I told him if he spent the night in Houston in the same room as her that he might as well stay there because he wouldn’t have a home to come home to. I am aware that this was not the best reaction I could have had. He said I was overreacting because it was just like a business trip. I pointed out that people of the opposite sex tend to not share rooms on business trips. He asked if I really expected her to pay for two rooms. I asked if he really expected me to be okay with this. Again he pointed out that I should trust him. It is almost as though he is too dumb to see what I see no matter what I say. If he had always been such an idiot maybe I wouldn’t be surprised but normally he is quite intelligent.

 

I hate to break it to you, but something is definitely going on here. It seems very obvious to me. She needs him to drive to another state, 7-8 hrs away, to check out a car (she wants to buy, I'm assuming) ??? That is insane. But what's more insane is that he'd be willing to do this. Oh, and telling you that they'd "try to get it done IN A DAY." WTF? He's thereby letting you know that it's already been PLANNED that this will be an overnight trip. My God, your husband has no business in the least, doing this. Didn't he already admit to you that he has feelings for her? This is a CROCK! And he doesn't expect that she should pay for a ROOM FOR EACH OF THEM ? Um, since when would it be too much to ask, to expect someone's husband to have their OWN ROOM.....now this is if I actually BELIEVED this little "plan" of theirs.

 

The way your hubby blows this off, your feelings, the fact that you've made it clear that you're not comfortable with all of their "dealings".........there is no excuse for this, and if they haven't slept together yet, you can bet that they will on this trip.

 

You have every right in the world, as his wife, to demand that he not go......and that if he does, he won't have a home to come home to. To tell him this would NOT be you being insecure/jealous/controlling/possessive...this would be a WIFE who understandably does not find it good/right for her husband to taking an overnight trip with a teenage girl. Hello?

 

Amanda can f*cking well find someone else to check this car out, not YOUR HUSBAND. His first responsibility is to YOU, his wife. You shouldn't even have to TELL him that you don't approve of this; that it's just not right.......if he had any brain in his head he'd already know. It sounds like he's really messed up "with her."

 

You have to stand up for yourself here.........if you let him go and there are no consequences to him doing so, you're sending him a loud and clear message that it's "okay" for him to disrespect his wife.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd likely have one helluva hard time not calling her up and telling her to leave my friggin husband alone or I'll be getting an attorney.

 

Though in your case, I guess doing something like that might backfire and push him closer to her ........ he'd then accuse you of going overboard, and he'd be pissed at you, and then he'd accuse you of driving off his "friend" like supposedly in the past.

 

No boyfriend or husband has ANY business going off like this, end of story.

 

Of course you can't stop him physically from going, and in fact, just the fact that he wants to go in the first place tells you that he's got something major going on with her.

 

I would be putting my foot down now........there is no way in the world that you have to tolerate this BS. Convenient, too, his timing in "telling" you this plan, right before he drops you off for work.......so that there wouldn't be any time to discuss it. See, it sounds extremely planned to me.

 

Sorry, but he sounds like a heartless, thoughtless a**h*** and I don't care what his excuses are, or the fact that he lost his father, or your financial problems........these are not excuses for him to be carrying on like this.

[Jamie31]

I can kind of relate to what you are going through. My best friend and past roomate is 6 months pregnant and got married last weekend to her boyfriend and father of her baby. They weren't even engaged and got married just because she was pregnant. He cheated on her while they were dating and will no doubt continue to do so even though they are married now.

 

I know you and your husband were already married when you found out you were pregnant, but it's kind of the same thing. He may just be experiencing some anxiety about being a new father, butif he is going astray and looking at other women and telling you he isn't in love with you anymore, then that will more than likely lead to him being unfaithful. You should definently try to work things out with your husband for the baby's sake, but if he is being unfaithful and isn't in love with you and you are unhappy, then dont' be afraid to raise this baby on your own. So many women do it and lead a lot happier lives then those who stay with their unfaithful husbands and lead depressed lives and then turn around and take that anger for your husband out on that child. That innocent baby doesn't deserve that. What you need to be thinking about is what is best for you and your baby. Try to talk to your husband and work things out. But just think about what is best for you.