Re: Staying friends with an Ex?

[Carey]

In response to the letter regarding maintaining a friendship with an ex, I have a little advice to give, as I was in the position of the writer's ex-girlfriend not so long ago. My boyfriend broke up with me, without much of an explanation. He had just transferred to a different school, so we were no longer in the same environment. We hadn't been going out for that long, but I was devastated. Maybe because he didn't really offer any explanation as to why he wanted to break up. I never tried to get him to stay, thinking it would drive him away, and with him the chance of ever getting back together. He said he wanted to stay friends, and we talked occasionally online, but we never really saw each other and I sometimes felt stupid talking to him because it was so awkward. What I really needed was time away from him to put things in perspective and gain a sense of acceptance regarding his decision. Whenever we talked, it gave me a false sense of hope that maybe he wanted to rekindle our romance. I needed time AWAY from him in order to get over him. I think that, in most cases, it is simply too awkward to jump immediately from a romantic relationship into a platonic one. I think your ex-girlfriend might be in the same position as I was. It did me good to move on, date another guy and regain the sense of "me" that I had lost during the "us" phase. Adjusting to a break-up is hard, and it sounds like she might be afraid of losing contact with you. If you really don't want to maintain communication with her, be honest. It will hurt her...a lot, I presume, but it's better than pretending to be interested in being her friend. Sooner or later one of you will get fed up, and there goes any chance for ANY kind of relationship. She should be patient, like I was, despite how painful it was. You need your space...you DID end the relationship, after all. But she also needs NOT to be let on if you don't plan on continuing to communicate with her. Eventually she'll find other things to do. Then maybe later on you'll decide you want to seek out friendship with her, as my ex-boyfriend did. Because we didn't make a big deal over our break-up and lack of communication after it, talking isn't awkward. Although the feelings and hurt haven't completely disappeared, I'm grateful to have him as a friend. Try to be patient, especially since it seems like she's been hurt by the break-up, maybe moreso than she's let on. Be kind, but HONEST. Try not to shut any doors completely because you never know who you might want back in your life later on. Good luck.

[stella]

It seems we are going through the same thing. Thanks so much for your advice. Nothing else has come up. My ex hasn't called me but I've pretty much made up my mind too--that he really needs to give me space to move on. It is hard if someone continues to communicate to you while you're trying to get your life together. Your situation is still so fresh. I'm already a couple of months out of the relationship and it is STILL difficult to deal with. My ex actually called me the SAME day I broke it off, and acting like nothing happened. --what IS that? I don't know..he says he suffers from the loss as well. Anyway I will keep you posted.

 

I really don't feel that you can allow someone new to enter your life if your past still resurfaces. It's just not fair to the new person. So that's my take on it. So as far as friendship goes..if she really cares about you and hopes to have a friendship with you. She needs to give you the space--however long it takes for your heart to heal. She needs to truly respect that. As I hope one day my ex will. I still can't see friendship coming into the picture..talking about who we date and all that! that's a alot to take in.

 

I hope things work out for you. I think it was the right thing for you to do at this time.

 

Take care,

 

Jaylin

Thanks Carey for the tip -- It is too awkward for me right now, and I let her know, actually just about an hour ago. I don't know how she will take it, but I just only see hurt resulting from staying in contact with each other this soon. And as far as me breaking it off, she seemed to disagree with that (a new thing I learned) because she was on the same page (so she says). But whatever, there is still too much in my mind about our relationship, things I feel almost compelled to bring up if we speak -- I haven't brought up those things of course -- but I need to get to a point where all of that is just not important to me anymore. It takes time, something we didn't have much of a chance to give it. So that's that. Your insight has only confirmed that it was the right thing, and I appreciate your help.