Friends with Benefits Dilemma - Of Course

[BrandonBlues]

Well, I only have myself to blame for this, but I was duped into the friends with benefits arrangement with the notion that it would work out alright as long as we were both straight up with one another – thinking that I, being a guy, could keep myself from ever falling for her. Let me give you the story first leading up to this affair and I’d like to hear any input on the subject – be it comments or advise.

 

I first met her through a friend of mine who was trying to get with her at the time but was stuck in the friends zone. I had an immediate attraction to her since we first met but never acted on it for sake of my friend. But this friend of mine would always invite me out when they went on dates and it appeared that this girl would flirt with me. Eventually, my friend made a move on her and was shot down. Since then, me and this girl started hanging out together – nothing serious, just once in a while. During one of ours ‘dates’ she mentioned to me how she has had a few guy friends in the past get the wrong idea about their relationship – thinking they were more than just friends. Needless to say, this scared me from ever wanting to put myself out there – plus I’m pretty shy to begin with. I figured I misread her “flirting” and figured that was just her friendly nature. I was sure I too was slowly drifting into the friend zone.

 

One night my family threw me a college graduation dinner and invited several friends, this girl being one of them. Also invited to this little get-together was one of my close friends nephew – a good-looking guy who’s your average young Hispanic pretty-boy womanizer. Anyway, my friend had an after party that I left early from and this girl showed up to it after I had left. She called me the very minute I had entered my house but I was too tired to make the trip back – plus it was late. Long story short, this girl and several others drank a lot that night and I came to find out the next morning that she had slept with my friends nephew. Not sure if it was that same night, but something started that night and they ended up sleeping together on a different occasion within the week.

 

I was a bit upset, I figured this guy ruined any chance of us getting together because I felt I couldn’t see her the same way. But then again, we weren’t dating we didn’t even know each other very well – plus I never told her that I was attracted to her so it I didn’t feel betrayed in any way – except by my friends nephew (different story). A couple of weeks went by and this guy really screwed this girl over so she stopped talking to him. Since then we started hanging out more and more. Strictly as friends at first but in time I became more and more attracted to her – but never acted on it because of her past. One day she drank too much and made a move on me. We were both drunk so I went with it. Next day neither of us mentioned it.

 

Next few weeks went the same way. Second time we went out I got a little drunk and she made another move, this time she was sober. Then it happened a third time lol. So I’m thinking alcohol is not the only factor here, she’s definitely attracted to me and willing to test the friend’s barrier. After those few times she’d apologize the following morning and tell me she got carried away. Finally I said, ‘hey, no need to apologize. I think you’re a great friend and I don’t want to ruin that but I think we can do this from time to time if we want to.” She totally went for it and even told me she was relieved we talked this over – apparently she had been mulling this over in her head. So the next few times we went out we started off the evening as friends, joking, watching movies, etc. and inevitably end up in bed together at night (not right off, but slowly progressed to that point).

 

At present, I feel I’m getting attached – thus lies the problem. We agreed to end it the second it started getting weird so we could salvage the friendship but we all know that rarely works. I personally feel like we’re a couple without the commitment. I even pay for her when we go out, friends don’t really do that – at least not every single night. Plus, I can’t help but think I may be one of 2 or 3 other guys she may be doing this with given her past (her fling with my friend’s cousin, and her fairly recent divorce at such a young age). She’s all wrong for me but I have a strong physical attraction to her and don’t want to cut off the sex. But she doesn’t seem to be attached at all ironically enough. This whole thing wouldn’t have been an issue a week ago when she told me she was moving out of state. I figured, great! I don’t want her to go but this will be good for me. It’ll force me to move on. But she recently told me that she changed her mind and decided to hold off on that until she was better prepared for the transition. So I find myself in a problem. Do I tell her I just want to be friends? Or do I continue on and hope that this “attachment” is just a glorified infatuation with sex following a lengthy dry spell that will eventually dissipate? I don’t want to let myself get attached because I’m pretty sure this will end up biting me in the ass. At the same time, if I don’t say anything and continue on with the FWB, I feel I’ll get myself deeper and deeper. I’ve considered changing the FWB relationship to a straight booty-call, cutting off the social aspect of it and just having casual sex. This way we keep the sex and I’m less likely to get attached. However, I’m afraid suggesting this to her may offend her. I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions? Anyone gone through something similar?

[norajane]

You're way too attached for a f*ck buddy situation. And yet, you're willing to cut off all friendly contact and turn it into a booty call.

 

End it now, no matter how much you want the sex. She's pretty promiscuous when she gets drunk, plus her divorce, plus she wants nothing to do with an actual relationship - and she's eventually moving away. If you can't handle it for what it is, then stop having sex with her.

 

There are OTHER WOMEN out there, and you're missing ALL OF THEM while you're wrapped up in whatever this is.

[IrishCarBomb]

You've already realized that this situation doesn't work. Man up and change it.

 

If she's cool with being more attached, great. You got what you wanted.

 

If she's not into it, also great. You've stopped wasting your time and getting deeper into this mess. You can now move on to a better situation.

[BrandonBlues]

Not that easy though. By saying anything I can potentially lose either the sex, the friendship, or both. So I'm treading on thin ice here so I gotta be careful. But you gotta know, this girl is like a guy in some ways. She doesn't seem to get emotionaly attached. She's very aloof, like nothing bothers her. Plus, she's very out-going and has many friends - many options if you get my drift, which is very unsettling. I saw her kinda upset the other day for the first time b/c she found out that her ex - whom she divorced in the last year or so - is having a kid with another girl. She knew about the other girl but she was torn up about him having a kid with her which was something that she wanted.

 

Anyway, like any other guy, I like - scratch that - love to **** and get crazy. But I also want to hold her and cuddle and make her feel better - tell her everything is going to be alright but I feel that's a no-no. I mean ****, thats what a friends with benefits relationship is afterall. Sex and friendship without the involvement or intimacy. At first I thought it was great, but now I'm starting to think ' i like this girl and I thought she liked me in the same way but the truth of the matter is the FWB situation tells me she doesn't like me enough to be exclusive' and it makes me question myself. Plus, she's not afraid to show me every side of her.

 

Sometimes i come by and she's in pajamas with no makeup. I honestly don't care at all b/c I think she's always beautiful, but it makes me think that she doesn't care to impress me. I have a million thoughts floating in my head, I could type on like this forever but the bottom line is I feel I am making excuses for her and bottom line is I think I'm going to have to stop the FWB relationship because I want more and if she can't give it to me then I'm just wasting my time. Besides, it's been like 3 weeks since we've had sex. Last time I was over I came with the expectation - and I wanted/needed it bad lol.

 

But then she told me about her problems and what she's been too and I instantly felt guilty about the whole thing. I ended up getting drunk, watching a movie, and then making a complete ass of myself by rambling on about nonesense out of nervousness. I don't get it. She's only 21 and I feel like a lil bitch around her and that's really not like me. I like to be in control and I'm not in this case...she is. She commands me to jump and I find myself asking how high? This can't be healthy and I need to do something soon. But I have to be careful b/c I could end both the sex and the friendship and I want to keep something :-( But I feel happy when I'm with her but I shouldn't lol. Not like this. She is the forbidden fruit.

 

Sometimes, I think I just may be in love with the idea of her. Maybe I just need to start dating. Maybe this is just a glorified crush, or maybe the need for constant sex is clouding my mind. lol I'm sorry I'm going on like this but it's rare to find someone who will take the time to listen to me so I relish it. Feels good to get all of this off my chest. I've been bottling it up inside for a few weeks now. So, anyway, what are your thoughts on this whole twisted scenario?

[BrandonBlues]

One more thing, she's no longer moving out of state. It was a fleeting reaction to the bad news she received from her ex. So she's staying in the area. If she were leaving this would have been so easy on me. Deep deep deep inside I feel that I should walk away from all this but I really like being with her. Only you throw in all the other factors and I've got a difficult situation. I know some of this may seem obvious or maybe pathetic lol but it's very different for the people involved due to the feelings we have.

[IrishCarBomb]

Have the integrity and self respect to end it. All of your reasons to stay around are destructive. Yeah, I know it feels good to get laid... but man up and realize that this is not a good situation for you.

[Im the Cat]

[COLOR=black]IrishCarBomb has it right. I was in a similar situation not so long ago. For me, I came to the conclusion that the only option I had was to move forward and leave her behind. That meant no contact with her. It is hard because I knew her for almost two years and from the time we met, we had this strong connection. Unfortunately, I can't help but see her because she works at the same place I do. And, we have a similar interest which means we run in some of the same circles. It's been a frustrating situation. But I tell you it feels good to not deal with the confusion any longer. And, it feels good to have gotten my self-respect back.[/COLOR]

[deceptor]

FWB - i do not get it! it will only make things worse!

[BrandonBlues]

It was her birthday a few weeks ago and I texted her telling her I wished her a happy one. She sent out an invite later that night for a get together at her place but I never showed. Haven't spoken to her since. It's been hard, but it gets easier with each passing day. Come to find out later through a mutual acquitance that she was seeing some guy from outta state - I don't know to what degree or even if it's true but it does help explain a lot of strange behavior in the last weeks prior to her b-day. Bottom line is I can't change who she is and I can't ignore the bad parts. I'm holding off for something worth the stress :-) Don't think I'll be doing the FWB thing again. It's true what they say, it always ends in disaster. I thought we could at least be friends but I haven't heard from her in a few weeks either so what does that say about her?