Cell phone

[confucious]

My gf gave her old cell phone to me and we had it switched to my number. Before she literally handed it over, she did some things, I am assuming it was erasing incoming texts or something, as immediately afterwards I helped her transfer the old numbers into her new phone.

 

All her outgoing texts are still there. And I have read them. I am not sure if this is wrong or not, first of all, and second of all I found something that kind of disturbs me.

 

A series of texts from about 3 months into our relationship (I only have her end) are basically indicative of her re-meeting someone one night out at the bar with her friends. A week later she texted for advice on something and told him he was the best. A few days after that she came to my house, we got a bit drunk, and got in an argument. When she left my house later on (around 1 AM, she texted him the message "working?".

 

NOw this may seem trifling, but why would she be texting a man sha has reconnected with just recently, at 1 in the morning?? I mean, really?? I know their previous relationship was not intense as one of her texts asked his last name.

 

SO - should I bring this up?? It was about 5 months ago but I am worried it is indicative of her general behaviour. I mean, does she leave my house after arguing and call some other guy for a "get back at you" F*ck??

 

This would not be the first time she has lied/hid things from me.

confused, wanting some perspective.

 

 

thanks for any input.

[Bryanp]

I think the key point is in your last sentence where you said that she apparently has a pattern of lying and hiding things from you. I think this tells you all you need to know. You cannot build a relationship with somebody with this type of pattern of behavior and not be very hurt in the end. The bottom line is that you can do much better with someone else.

[Whyme_wtf]

IMO as other reply states, this red flag and pattern will not change and you cant change her. she is sandwiching you with other attention and needs.

if you are ok with sharing then no worries, enjoy.

if you want something exclusive this is not the person for you. you aready do not trust her.

it does not get better my friend. if you stay, you will be feeling this way through it all.

trust your instincts and find someone to treat you right.

[LakesideDream]

Con, You guys are GF/BF.. that used to be a time when you were figuring all this stuff out and deciding whether you have a future together.

 

If it were me, and I were your age, I'd just hang in there and keep my eyes open. You may find out yet that shes the one for you, if not? That's why gawd gave you good health and a long life.

 

Luck to you.

[Lyssa]

This reminds me of my BF and my situation.

 

My BF found out some things I did in the past (some were way before I knew him). It was more of comments being written on Myspace between myself and several guys. It meant nothing on my part as it was just messages such as greetings and calling them 'sweetie, handsome, gorgeous' - just so you know, I call that to both women and men.

 

He freaked out thinking that I am always like that. Now, people say people can't change. Well, I did. I have stopped calling men all those names even though to me, it is not that special as what I call my BF. Long story short, it has made him trust me less.

 

Let me tell you this, as far as those messages go, it went beyond nothing but just normal greetings. I did not send any sexy messages although some did send me but I ignored them. This happened just about 3 - 4 months ago. Right now, he thinks it is still going on but NOTHING like that is happening. Even when I wrote those comments, it was nothing to me.

 

Although I did all that, if I did text someone in the AM then it could be that I want to have something with that guy or at least, interested in getting to know him better. My BF and I talked a lot over our situation and it really helped us. So maybe you should talk to her and see what she has to say. I really have been nothing but honest with my BF and I hope your GF is too.

[Cobra_X30]

It was more of comments being written on Myspace between myself and several guys. It was just messages such as greetings and calling them 'sweetie, handsome, gorgeous' - just so you know, I call that to both women and men.

 

He freaked out thinking that I am always like that. Now, people say people can't change. Well, I did. I have stopped calling men all those names even though to me, it is not that special as what I call my BF. Long story short, it has made him trust me less.

 

Let me tell you this, as far as those messages go, it went beyond nothing but just normal greetings. I did not send any sexy messages although some did send me but I ignored them.

 

Although I did all that, if I did text someone in the AM then it could be that I want to have something with that guy or at least, interested in getting to know him better. My BF and I talked a lot over our situation and it really helped us. So maybe you should talk to her and see what she has to say. I really have been nothing but honest with my BF and I hope your GF is too.

 

Couple of items to note... as they pertain to the topic at hand.

 

First, how consistent and under what circumstances did you use these particular greetings? Also, what was the intent and typical reaction created by saying this?

[Cobra_X30]

A series of texts from about 3 months into our relationship (I only have her end) are basically indicative of her re-meeting someone one night out at the bar with her friends. A week later she texted for advice on something and told him he was the best. A few days after that she came to my house, we got a bit drunk, and got in an argument. When she left my house later on (around 1 AM, she texted him the message "working?".

 

No, I wouldnt bring that up.

 

However, this is a good wake-up. There is a possibility that she went to someone else to talk after your argument. Women tend to do that more than guys. It is a big problem if she turns to guy friends for this!

 

Keep your eyes open....

[T - mac]

Con, You guys are GF/BF.. that used to be a time when you were figuring all this stuff out and deciding whether you have a future together.

 

If it were me, and I were your age, I'd just hang in there and keep my eyes open. You may find out yet that shes the one for you, if not? That's why gawd gave you good health and a long life.

 

Luck to you.

wow this is completely off topic and im sorry but i noticed your pic which has the aqualung album cover on it hahaha, i love jethro tull, and my dad has every single album still in shrink wrap, never opened. lol. again im very sorry but there arent very many people out there that are jtull fans

[Lyssa]

Couple of items to note... as they pertain to the topic at hand.

 

First, how consistent and under what circumstances did you use these particular greetings? Also, what was the intent and typical reaction created by saying this?

 

Pretty consistent. In my free lance job, it is pretty normal for people to call that to one another. Also, I used to hang out a lot with my ex's family and relatives. It was normal for them as well and it rubbed off on me.

 

People would react with the same greetings although I know some took it wee bit overboard. When that happened, I stopped using those terms on them. Now that I know it upsets my BF (I really didn't see it as a problem back then), I stopped it. Completely.

[oppath]

Now that I know it upsets my BF (I really didn't see it as a problem back then), I stopped it. Completely.

That's because your one of those LS goddesses who possess integrity. Godspeed, and may your charm rub off on females everywhere

 

To the OP, no need to freak, just remember, always love with your eyes open. Don't love blindly. This doesn't mean distrust, it just means make sure someones actions match their words.

[Lyssa]

That's because your one of those LS goddesses who possess integrity. Godspeed, and may your charm rub off on females everywhere

 

*blush* Thanks, Oppath.

[confucious]

Hey all - thanks for your posts!!

 

I have since brought it up with her and she identified the number as that of a guy she saw/slept with for a number of months before I met her. He worked at a bar and so would have been working at the time.

 

She swears she doesn't remember texting him, and doubly swears she never went and met him. She explains it all away by saying she was massively insecure at the beginning of our relationship as she fell for me quickly and I was hard to read and somewhat distant since I had just come out of something that messed with my head/heart.

 

I looked at the message again - it says "pending", does this mean it was never sent??

 

As to her previous lies - her lies have always been about meeting men ( an old friend for lunch, or once on a trip overseas and she had some guy friends go with her and her sister - I didn't find out until something was posted in Myspace), and I am confident the two events were harmless and that nothing was expected to happen, nor did happen. She previously had a controlling boyfriend who was pretty jealous - she hasn't used this as an excuse yet for her habit of hiding things, but I am thinking it may be a reason??? It is as if hiding and lying these things is the easier route(though she is learning it never is) than telling her SO and making them comfortable with the situation.

 

Still a little at a loss - I don't like lies or liars...but she is sweet in a lot of ways, and I think genuinely loves me. She just has a hell of a lot of emotional baggage. But then, don't we all (to a small degree, at least)?

 

I am trying to swing myself around to the idea of accepting (as long as lies stop) and trying to love with eyes open, as someone suggested. I can see it as practice, at least. Does this make me a chump????

[Davey McG]

She swears she doesn't remember texting him, and doubly swears she never went and met him. She explains it all away by saying she was massively insecure at the beginning of our relationship as she fell for me quickly and I was hard to read and somewhat distant...

 

1. No memory - this would have my bullsh*t detector going off like crazy.

2. Its your fault because if she did because you're hard to read - does anyone else see something wrong about this?

 

Sounds like she's a pretty girl and you're not thinking with the head on your shoulders.

 

My opinion, and I'm sure several will disagree with me, is that there is more to this than she's letting on. You will never feel secure in the relationship unless she tells you everything and you believe her (actually believe her and not delude yourself into believing).

 

She's lied in the past and unless you bring this to a head, she could very well continue to lie. She may be sweet and it may seem like she genunienly loves you, but it can't work if she's not truthful and goes looking for reassurance from other men when she feels down. I'd have to agree with what Whyme_wtf said too.

[Cobra_X30]

As to her previous lies - her lies have always been about meeting men

 

Still a little at a loss - I don't like lies or liars...but she is sweet in a lot of ways, and I think genuinely loves me. She just has a hell of a lot of emotional baggage. But then, don't we all (to a small degree, at least)?

 

I am trying to swing myself around to the idea of accepting (as long as lies stop) and trying to love with eyes open, as someone suggested. I can see it as practice, at least. Does this make me a chump????

 

Ok... now listen. If she lied about what she ate for lunch... thats different. Maybe her "controlling" boyfriend was like that because she cheated on him all the time! Coins have two sides friend.

 

See, the cellphone thing isnt that big a deal by itself, couple it with the fact that she is meeting guys... especially "old friends" behind your back. Thats not good. Harmless or not this girl is doing you dirty!

 

You need to set her down and let her know exactly what your boundaries are! If it were me... I'd say let me know BEFORE you meet with any guys, at this point even your dad! It's not controlling cause you not going to tell her she cant go and meet the guy... you just need to know it is happening!

 

If she does this again... you need to dump her! If you continue to let her walk all over you... yes you are a chump!

[Lyssa]

Well, some women lie.. some just decide to keep the truth so that they won't lose their men. Stupid, I know!

 

If you have the slightest feeling that she is lying or cheating on you - drop her. Of course when I say 'lying' I meant big ones.. something you just don't feel right about, you know?

 

I have not been afraid to tell my BF anything now... it makes me more comfortable to be honest with him. I hope your GF will feel the same... soon!

[oppath]

Good relationships are transparent. Even if something could possibly hurt your partner, if it it at all big, it should be shared and you deal with it together. For example, meeting an ex for lunch. Ideally, if it was a relationship that ended a while ago, your current partner would be ok with you doing it if it were something you would like to do. However, transparency requires you tell him/her "my ex asked me to lunch, I'd like to go. Is this something you are ok with?" If your partner says is hesitant, you meet him/her halfway with some kind of compromise. If you say "I feel disrespected by this and want x,y, or z", a good relationship will be one where x,y, or z is met or your partner at least makes some effort to make you feel respected.

 

The lack of transparency is what is troubling. Also, if your gut ever tells you something is up, something is up. This doesn't mean snoop -- because then you'll surely find something -- because your gut won't tell you what is up. But without fail, whenever my gut screamed "something is going on," something was going on. I didn't know what. All I could say is "I feel you haven't been quite yourself the past few days. Has anything happened in your life?" Ideally, a person would be honest. That has not been my history. This is why when I date now, I look at their relationship histories, try to determine if they are the type of person to lie not to hurt feelings, etc. I can handle honesty even if it hurts me because I feel respected. I am much more hurt when someone lies.

[Lyssa]

So when one is transparent, it makes the relationship more meaningful? I have been transparent, heck.. I am transparent to those who know me well. I don't have hide anything. They will know for sure if I did.

 

If a girl comes out with little secrets of hers, wants to talk about anything and everything, lays it out in the open and at the same time, listens and respects what he has to say - does that make her a good or an ideal gf?

[Cobra_X30]

So when one is transparent, it makes the relationship more meaningful? I have been transparent, heck.. I am transparent to those who know me well. I don't have hide anything. They will know for sure if I did.

 

If a girl comes out with little secrets of hers, wants to talk about anything and everything, lays it out in the open and at the same time, listens and respects what he has to say - does that make her a good or an ideal gf?

 

Not in and of itself. Oppath is right that transparency is important in a relationship. You cant expect that right away... it takes time to build trust on both ends.

 

It takes years sometimes to get to know someone to that point, where you can read them. Even then you will get suprised sometimes!

 

I think confucious needs to set boundaries more than anything else.

[oppath]

So when one is transparent, it makes the relationship more meaningful? I have been transparent, heck.. I am transparent to those who know me well. I don't have hide anything. They will know for sure if I did.

 

If a girl comes out with little secrets of hers, wants to talk about anything and everything, lays it out in the open and at the same time, listens and respects what he has to say - does that make her a good or an ideal gf?

 

For me, yes. For others, I don't know. To me, it makes the relationship more meaningful because it enhances intimacy. It's not the same thing as disclosing EVERYTHING, all your fears or worries or thoughts. Transparency means your partner knows the big things in your life, including big thoughts. It means they are aware of, and the nature of, your relationships with other people. It means not lying to spare feelings, but being honest and dealing together with the issue. I'm not talking about saying "wow, dinner was great" when she burned the grilled cheese. There is some subjectivity that will vary from person to person.

 

You cant expect that right away... it takes time to build trust on both ends.

Yep. You can't enter a relationship distrusting someone, but some level of trust must also be earned. This requires (a) asserting your boundaries and (b) the other person respecting those boundaries so © transparency exists; you disclose and trust.

[Lyssa]

Not in and of itself. Oppath is right that transparency is important in a relationship. You cant expect that right away... it takes time to build trust on both ends.

 

It takes years sometimes to get to know someone to that point, where you can read them. Even then you will get suprised sometimes!

 

I think confucious needs to set boundaries more than anything else.

 

Okay then, we're on the same page. I believe being transparent is important!

[Lyssa]

For me, yes. For others, I don't know. To me, it makes the relationship more meaningful because it enhances intimacy. It's not the same thing as disclosing EVERYTHING, all your fears or worries or thoughts.

 

Hmmm... I might have done that and thank goodness it didn't scare my BF away!!!

 

Transparency means your partner knows the big things in your life, including big thoughts. It means they are aware of, and the nature of, your relationships with other people. It means not lying to spare feelings, but being honest and dealing together with the issue. I'm not talking about saying "wow, dinner was great" when she burned the grilled cheese. There is some subjectivity that will vary from person to person.

 

Okay that is something I really can't lie about! I love food and if it sucks, I'll tell ya!

 

I don't like lying to someone to spare his feelings, it just isn't right. I do know a lot of people do that in relationships and it really isn't healthy.

 

Yep. You can't enter a relationship distrusting someone, but some level of trust must also be earned. This requires (a) asserting your boundaries and (b) the other person respecting those boundaries so © transparency exists; you disclose and trust.

 

Yup - you got that right!

[oppath]

Okay then, we're on the same page. I believe being transparent is important!

 

Me too, that is why I'm working on some x-ray goggles that allow me to see through walls and to a lessor extent, clothes . I swear I remember the federal government promising them when I was 5 in 1985, and he we are 22 years later, and we aren't any closer. What do you expect from a government that's been promising hydrogen powered flying cars since 1972?

[Lyssa]

Me too, that is why I'm working on some x-ray goggles that allow me to see through walls and to a lessor extent, clothes . I swear I remember the federal government promising them when I was 5 in 1985, and he we are 22 years later, and we aren't any closer. What do you expect from a government that's been promising hydrogen powered flying cars since 1972?

 

No way??? ME too!!! Whatever happened to that promise! Ahh so now I know your age!!!

[oppath]

No way??? ME too!!! Whatever happened to that promise! Ahh so now I know your age!!!

 

I have a decade or three before I can realistically obtain my goal of being a dirty old man.

[Whyme_wtf]

So many of the posts are right on the money.

Truth and honesty will bring about a level of intimacy in a relationship that many are lacking. If a SO does not open up, they are missing a level of intimacy that they really could have. There are so many reasons why a person may lie and you can't possibly try to fix that in someone.

You can't possibly know or even want to know all or everything about a SO. In some regards, knowing too many details can be damaging.

Love in a relationship is huge, but alone cannot sustain it. You need so much more for a lasting fufilling one. Trust and honesty are huge cornerstones. They are needed. Once broken, it takes so much work and effort to get it back on track.

IMO honesty has to be consitsent. Everyone will say a mistruth now and then. But the question is, why are they saying it? many are said as a convienient way when all they were feeling was "it's none of your business".

Ommissions on things are just as much as a lie. When caught in it they will say they said (or did not say) it to not hurt you. WTF, is that not for you to decide?

If you experience a break in trust due to lack of honesty on something big, even the little ones afterwards will continue to deteriorate the relationship.

Bottom line it is about integrity. If they can tell you the truth about something, no matter how it hurts, you gain respect for them. You also learn you can open up more and be safe with your thoughts and feelings with that person. Conversely, if you have been lied to or had things ommited, you will not feel safe with your feelings.

If you can't trust them with the small stuff, how can you trust them with the big stuff?