Impudent Oyster Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 hahhaha!!! even if I was single and my MM was single or what ever asking questions like that would make me a nut case class A+ Yes, it's much better to have absolutely ZERO expectations of your partner. If I didn't expect to get everything from my partner that was on that list, he wouldn't be my partner. When you expect a lot, you get a lot. When you expect nothing, that's what you'll get. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jinnah Posted October 6, 2007 Author Share Posted October 6, 2007 I didn't tell him to do this, he decided for himself it's what he wants. We're working on that. It's a 2 hour drive to the airport, and 10 hour flight and then another 7 hour flight. And then another hour's drive from the airport. But he's done just that, once, when I said we needed to discuss something face to face. Must have cost a fortune, too. On the other hand, we were staying with his family once (it's a couple of hours drive away from where he lives) and his W phoned in the night. She phoned his family's landline and woke them up to tell them he must come home because she was frightened and lonely. His mother told her to grow up and no she wasn't going to wake him up to tell him that. Next morning he saw there were lots of missed calls on his phone (it was switched off) and he just ignored them She doesn't want to know, or she knows and doesn't want to hear. 20 hours later I'd be wide awake! Anyway they sleep in separate rooms so it doesn't really apply. (And yes, he answers promptly when I call him any time of the night. Takes the call without hesitation.) He already does. Not because I'm lonely, because he is when we're apart. I would never do this to anyone! But he offers all the time, and when he thinks I need something he just buys it without my asking. This is a no-brainer - if I needed something, he wouldn't hesitate. Just as if he needed something from me, I wouldn't hesitate either. All friends do this for each other all the time. We did discuss this at one point but it would take so much effort to get rid of all her crappy decor and kitsch that it would be easier just to get a new place and start from scratch! Not sure what this proves, or not. But for the record, I don't want to be number one in his life. I want him to be number one in his life and for him to love all the people he loves in appropriate ways and appropriate measures. You want to be with a person who treats his wife so horribly? I don't understand that. Don't you think that will be you one day? Also, I would not want such horrible in-laws... look how much they respect marriage... either his wife is evil and he is going through the divorce process (and she knows they are) or this is one messed up situation. Does the wife think they are happily married? Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 Ah yes, my statement is moot.... of course. 99% huh? Lol - I wonder where you got that percentage from. Oh don't bother, I'm sure it's made up. Don't take my word for it, mosey on over to any OW website, just about all the OW get dumped, eventually. It's the rare MM who ends up with the OW in the long run. Very rare indeed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jinnah Posted October 6, 2007 Author Share Posted October 6, 2007 I have an even better idea! Why don't you go find a board for the bitter jilted ex wife?? I was cheated on twice and guess what?? I got over it!! It is truly unfortunate that as I have gotten older life gets more complicated but I am very happy to have found someone I truly love and I know, without all the tests and bs that he truly loves me. I would not force him to leave his family, his ex wife is probably as crazy and as bitter as, well YOU!! Who wants to deal with that?? plus the combined 6 children, one of his has inherited his ex wives OCD, we are happy as is!! Maybe once the kids are all older but for now I am happy being his precious little secret and having him be mine. You mention her OCD as an excuse to cheat... he made a now... in sickness and in health. One more time, I am not a jilted BS. On top of that, I know I deserve better than a cheating man... I have enough self-esteem where I know I am too good to put up with that. You all are. Realize it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jinnah Posted October 6, 2007 Author Share Posted October 6, 2007 Why is it that when things go down, they bring up about visiting MM at the hospital?? It shows where the OW/OM really stands. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 It shows where the OW/OM really stands. Yeah but mine is a diff story now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jinnah Posted October 6, 2007 Author Share Posted October 6, 2007 9. Tell him you want to attend the next High School reunion together, his or yours. 10. Tell him to come with you to your parents for both Thanksgiving Dinner and Christmas morning breakfast. See if he is able to make either. 11. Tell him that you want the two of you to start going to church together on Sunday mornings. 12. Tell him that you want him to buy himself a seperate life insurance that names you as the beneficiary and to be included as a beneficiary in his will so that you are taken care of, if he dies. 13. Tell him that you want to marry him and have children but since he is unwilling to divorce his wife at this time, then you would at least like to have a baby with him now as a sign of your mutual love. 14. Tell him to attend the next family member who dies funeral with you. Love is as love does. If a man that your having sex with is unwilling to have you as the only woman that he is exclusively having sex with AND shares the majority of his life with why invest in the relationship? Pick a better investment. One that is emotionally available and willing to be your life partner. Your cheating yourself out of a recipricating relationship. Beautiful. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 I have an even better idea! Why don't you go find a board for the bitter jilted ex wife?? There is one: The Other Man/Woman Forum, it's just inappropriately named... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jinnah Posted October 6, 2007 Author Share Posted October 6, 2007 Now this one makes me laugh. You're saying these indicators are all proof of love. Bull honkey. They are simply indicators of toeing the line with society's expectations. How you present yourself outwardly. Nothing to do with who or what you love. Some 60% of those sitting in the pews at church, or standing solemnly at the funeral, are cheating or have cheated. Sorry, but this one cuts no ice. This isn't to prove love (we all know it's not love here - or you wouldn't be the OW you would be the ONLY woman)... this is so that the OW can realize they are not number one... it's so they can realize what deep denial they are in and maybe make some major life changes. Link to post Share on other sites
AJS Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 The only #1 in a cheating MM's life is himself. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 9. Tell him you want to attend the next High School reunion together, his or yours. 10. Tell him to come with you to your parents for both Thanksgiving Dinner and Christmas morning breakfast. See if he is able to make either. 11. Tell him that you want the two of you to start going to church together on Sunday mornings. 12. Tell him that you want him to buy himself a seperate life insurance that names you as the beneficiary and to be included as a beneficiary in his will so that you are taken care of, if he dies. 13. Tell him that you want to marry him and have children but since he is unwilling to divorce his wife at this time, then you would at least like to have a baby with him now as a sign of your mutual love. 14. Tell him to attend the next family member who dies funeral with you. Love is as love does. If a man that your having sex with is unwilling to have you as the only woman that he is exclusively having sex with AND shares the majority of his life with why invest in the relationship? Pick a better investment. One that is emotionally available and willing to be your life partner. Your cheating yourself out of a recipricating relationship. I have to ask, who would even ask these things of a single guy in a R? You don't have to ask for these things when they love you, they do the things they need to, without you asking... The only people who seem to need these lists are the BS's...Hmmm, perhaps you should put your lists down, stop keeping score and start working on saving your M... But you're right: Love is as love does...And there are those of us who are loved and it's backed up by action... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jinnah Posted October 6, 2007 Author Share Posted October 6, 2007 Yeah but mine is a diff story now. I do not know all the details of your story, but as it sounds you caught someone when they were in the process of actually divorcing? Still biblically wrong (Isn't is great that if you are truly sorry for something, God will forgive you?), but but not quite the same as the stories of the OW I am refering to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jinnah Posted October 6, 2007 Author Share Posted October 6, 2007 I have to ask, who would even ask these things of a single guy in a R? You don't have to ask for these things when they love you, they do the things they need to, without you asking... The only people who seem to need these lists are the BS's...Hmmm, perhaps you should put your lists down, stop keeping score and start working on saving your M... But you're right: Love is as love does...And there are those of us who are loved and it's backed up by action... These are common things that happen when you are number one in a person's life... no, a person should not have to ask for these things... they happen naturally when a person is your number one. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 I do not know all the details of your story, but as it sounds you caught someone when they were in the process of actually divorcing? Still biblically wrong (Isn't is great that if you are truly sorry for something, God will forgive you?), but but not quite the same as the stories of the OW I am refering to. You know what? You are right, you don't know my full story. God will forgive me for whatever I have done wrong, yes and He will also forgive those who put down other people etc. You should know since you're a religious person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jinnah Posted October 6, 2007 Author Share Posted October 6, 2007 I am assuming that the OP had certain OW in mind when this thread was created...I do not wish to address the OP per se except to say this: It is too bad that you consider yourself the know-all in R's...Don't propose to tell anyone the status of their R until you walk a day in their shoes...Life is not always black and white or right and wrong... There are some things in life that no one would ever understand until they experience it...and I experience that I am number 1 in my MM's life...I will not give further details because I am intelligent and will not have my information wind up on someone else's board...I am not blind nor dumb...My R is what it is, a R...and if that is so hard for you to believe or understand, perhaps you should put me on ignore... I am here to help others, to deal with the choices they have made and support them in that choice...I am not here to be saved or judged...No one has to agree with me or even like me or the R I am in...The fact of the matter is that there are many women like me and this is a place we come to support and encourage each other... And I hope there are times that we help open people's eyes to the fact that we are not villains, we are not victims, we are simply humans dealing with the choices we have made... But don't attack us or our men...Just like you protect yours, we protect ours... Peace...GEL I never said (nor do I think) I am the "know-all" of relationships. I have walked a day in the life of an affair... as a child of a parent who had an affair. I saw my other parent devastated and I realized exacltly what a horrible, selfish, unloving act adultery is. I will never respect a person who is involved in an affair that thinks they are doing nothing wrong and defends their utterly selfish choices. You do not have to admit to me that you are not number one, but it sure would be nice if you would admit it to yourself. As far as the "ignoring thing"... that's as expected... a person usually ignores when they realize they cannot defend their actions. Fine by me. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 You want to be with a person who treats his wife so horribly? I don't understand that. Don't you think that will be you one day? I hear this argument used a lot for OW and the answer is I want to be with someone who treats me well. He may have been less then perfect to his ex but that's not me, that was the rel he has with her. He does things for me he never could bring himself to do for his ex. it's just the way it is. Each rel. is a new dynamic, sure we carry over certain traits into all our rels. but no two rels are the same, otherwise no one would get married if all rels were meant to fail because we repeat all the same mistakes. right? 9. Tell him you want to attend the next High School reunion together, his or yours. 10. Tell him to come with you to your parents for both Thanksgiving Dinner and Christmas morning breakfast. See if he is able to make either. 11. Tell him that you want the two of you to start going to church together on Sunday mornings. 12. Tell him that you want him to buy himself a seperate life insurance that names you as the beneficiary and to be included as a beneficiary in his will so that you are taken care of, if he dies. 13. Tell him that you want to marry him and have children but since he is unwilling to divorce his wife at this time, then you would at least like to have a baby with him now as a sign of your mutual love. 14. Tell him to attend the next family member who dies funeral with you. Jesus ask any guy at the begining of any rel even if you ARE sleeping together to give you any of these things and they will run for the hills. Only if you know for a fact you are spending the rest of your lives together do you ask for these things. I couldn't even being myself to promise these things to my guy and I am head over heels on love but it is still relatively new, I am a "take it a day at a time kind of girl" to each their own I suppose...... # 13 - acutally he wants to get pregnant I am not ready... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jinnah Posted October 6, 2007 Author Share Posted October 6, 2007 You know what? You are right, you don't know my full story. God will forgive me for whatever I have done wrong, yes and He will also forgive those who put down other people etc. You should know since you're a religious person. Lyssa, I do not mean to offend you. I do not take issue with you and my comments are not directed toward you. I am not judging the OW either... this thread started when one said she was number one and many disagreed. It is not healthy to be in denial or the person will never begin the steps to make healthy choices. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jinnah Posted October 6, 2007 Author Share Posted October 6, 2007 I hear this argument used a lot for OW and the answer is I want to be with someone who treats me well. He may have been less then perfect to his ex but that's not me, that was the rel he has with her. He does things for me he never could bring himself to do for his ex. it's just the way it is. Each rel. is a new dynamic, sure we carry over certain traits into all our rels. but no two rels are the same, otherwise no one would get married if all rels were meant to fail because we repeat all the same mistakes. right? Jesus ask any guy at the begining of any rel even if you ARE sleeping together to give you any of these things and they will run for the hills. Only if you know for a fact you are spending the rest of your lives together do you ask for these things. I couldn't even being myself to promise these things to my guy and I am head over heels on love but it is still relatively new, I am a "take it a day at a time kind of girl" to each their own I suppose...... # 13 - acutally he wants to get pregnant I am not ready... My question to you is, why doens't he leave his wife then? He just wants to one the side to impregnate and then what? Stay with his wife? What for? If you are the perfect woman for him, why aren't you two married? Oh, he's not sure yet? But he want's to have a child... doesn't add up... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 God will forgive me for whatever I have done wrong, yes and He will also forgive those who put down other people etc. You should know since you're a religious person. You go, Lyssa! Why can't some people get the picture? It's being harped on and harped on...Obviously threatening OW with hell and damnation is not a deterrent...Perhaps some people should put on their "thinking caps" and find a better argument... Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 Lyssa, I do not mean to offend you. I do not take issue with you and my comments are not directed toward you. I am not judging the OW either... this thread started when one said she was number one and many disagreed. It is not healthy to be in denial or the person will never begin the steps to make healthy choices. LOL - I'm not offended, Jinnah. Just pointing out that you don't know my story, that's all. You must realise that some BS are in denial just as much as they claim OW are. No one knows me better than myself and it goes the same with OW and even BS. As for me, just to let you know - I am not in denial. As I am sure some people here are not as well but are constantly being told they ARE in denial... Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 You want to be with a person who treats his wife so horribly? I don't understand that. Don't you think that will be you one day? No I don't. I don't behave the way she does. Unreasonable behaviour provokes an unreasonable response, often, and I'm really glad that counselling has taught him to stand up to her abuse. Also, I would not want such horrible in-laws... look how much they respect marriage... either his wife is evil and he is going through the divorce process (and she knows they are) or this is one messed up situation. Does the wife think they are happily married? They're educated people - they don't respect "marriage" uncritically. They respect marriages and relationships that have value. They've never liked his W because of the way she treats him - they've consistently advised him to dump her. They were very happy to hear he had an OW, one that he loved and who made him happy, and insisted on meeting me and welcoming me into the family. W is not welcome in their house - when MM visits, he visits alone or with the kids. There is a long history to this - she has been very abusive to them too and they're not prepared to tolerate that in their own home. Yes his W knows he's leaving. As do the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 # 13 - acutally he wants to get pregnant I am not ready... Yeah, sure he does. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 Obviously threatening OW with hell and damnation is not a deterrent...Perhaps some people should put on their "thinking caps" and find a better argument... Exactly! Over and over again, it's the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 My question to you is, why doens't he leave his wife then? He just wants to one the side to impregnate and then what? Stay with his wife? What for? My answer to you is he did leave his W to be with me. But when he was with her, I didn't have to ask for any of the things you are mentioning here, they came with time and with perseverence. I trusted him even at some low points and trusted what we had. That's it. Sometimes you have to follow your gut. I can empathise with a lot OW on this forum they are just following their gut. Not what a BS wants hear I'm sure, but that's what it is. Some men do just need time and they just don't love their Ws anymore. Trust me it was not easy for him to leave even if he knew that he no longer loved his W he sill felt extremely guilty and had a few knee jerk reactions and went back out of guilt but he was just fooling himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 My answer to you is he did leave his W to be with me.. Oh so your MM divorced his wife and married you? Congratulations! Link to post Share on other sites
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