To all the OW who think they are number one...

[OWoman]

I do have anger towards people who selfishly participate in affairs, not as a BS, but as a child who's family was destroyed b/c of an affair... even today (all these years later) it affects my life and the lives of my siblings.

 

Wouldn't therapy be better for you, then?

 

My mother was an alcoholic - it also affected my life as a child but, guess what? I grew up and moved on. I don't hang around bottle shops throwing stones at people who drink. THEY didn't wreck my childhood, my mother did. It would be stupid to take out my issues on people I don't know from a bar of soap, and completely pointless. They'd think I was a nutter.

 

Unless that's the impression you're wanting to create here?

[OWoman]

What are your expectations when you choose to be with a cheater?

 

Isn't this as nonsensical as saying "what are your expectations when you choose to be with a man?" or "what are your expectations when you choose to be with a human being?"? Generalisation on that level is meaningless. MM land up in As (EAs, PAs, whatever) for different reasons and under different conditions, and assuming they're all the same is like assuming that everyone who buys the same brand of washing powder is the same.

[LucreziaBorgia]

If you did it and you were a serial cheater why would a one time offender who was severly scarred by the whole experience and emotionally crippled, not be able to do it?

 

Why the double standard?

 

I guess what I'm getting at is that you may want to put a little part of your heart away and protect it. You sound so sure that it was a 'one time thing'. I told plenty of people I was with that "I've never done this before" and gave them the old "I'm so unhappy/emotionally crippled/etc" story. It worked every time, and they never figured otherwise. Is your guy a one time offender? Maybe, maybe not - the problem is that with someone who cheats like that you don't know for sure, and the only thing trusting a cheater 100% will get you is hurt. Trust them 90%, maybe 95%, or even 99%. Just keep some tiny part of you aside for self preservation.

 

Why the double standard? Cheaters can change, but a good deal of them don't. I didn't say your MM can't stop, just that you need to be aware that he might not.

 

Just be careful, that's all.

[OWoman]

Cheaters can change, but a good deal of them don't.

 

People can change, if the benefits sufficiently outweigh the costs.

 

I never thought I'd change - my lifestyle suited me perfectly and I had no reason to change. But being with MM has shown me a different way of being and I have changed - in ways I could never have predicted. Will I sustain it? I've no idea. Right now I can't conceive of messing this up by going back to that way of relating, but I don't have a crystal ball to predict the future. It's a gamble - more for him than for me. He's walking away from a whole life, while for me it could be as little as pressing the "pause" button.

 

Anyone can change. Someone who's "cheated" can change to not "cheating". Someone who's never "cheated" can change to "cheat" - where else to "cheaters" come from?

 

But sustaining the change - open question.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Now I have David Bowie's Changes stuck in my head.

 

Luckily I like that song.

[justice]

But the MM has the right to sleep around? Cmon, put the blame where it belongs...

 

And you don't have to take what you can get when he puts you first...He gives what you demand...

 

It's not a matter of entitlement...Perhaps that idea is what gets alot of M's in hot water...[/quote

 

No, I'm certainly not saying that MM has the right to sleep around, at all.

If he puts the OW before the wife and marraige then there should definately be a divorce in the offing. And I do, in my own opinion believe that the wife or husband of the wandering spouse should have more rights to their spouses than the person who is helping that spouse screw around and lie to them. The children and the spouse should always come first. ALWAYS.

[bish]

I don't want him to leave her, he's asked me. Ive said no. I have another relationship as well, he has a child and his wife is very depressed, she doesn't need any more pain with a young child I won't be apart of that.

 

Uh...you sleep with this woman's husband, she has a child with him...and you say you aren't a part of that already? Ok..so she's depressed..she has a cheating husband..no wonder...and who is it he is cheating with?

 

she wouldn't divorce her husband though she would make him pay for it for the rest of his life

 

So? If the OW was #1...wouldn't it be worth it to him?

 

if he left her I still would not leave my relationship and I have told him so, yet he also says despite that when he leaves he knows he will never see his son again because she will use him against him, doesn't sound like the best plan to me to tell her.

 

How could she keep his son from him? She couldn't unless he is a drug addict or an abuser. Of course, I always believe that infidelity should come with a high price, however, not having the children have contact with both parents is not one of them.

 

I wouldn't do that either...that is just needy and kinda childish...there is nothing sexy about a woman who doesn't have a life outside of her relationship with a man..to me that is as unattractive as one could be.

but to kinda answer your question, we plan a holiday day together and then one with our family's it works beautifully

 

??? ya...taking the MM away from his family on a holiday...taking time from his kid...ya...real beautiful....for who? you and him...to hell with his kid right?

 

we always ask each other first when we need something. we are best friends as well as lovers..if I need money out of his pay check I will get it...and have.

 

And money away from his wife and kid. This is about as despicable as you can get now. I can't believe what I'm hearing.

 

let me just say something..no one should ever come before someones child and he and I would never dream of such a proposal.

 

Well if he cared about his child, he wouldn't be with you. When you cheat on your spouse, you cheat on your child. If I ever found out my mom or dad betrayed one or the other, I would disown them.

 

we had our bout with leaving our significant others but we realise we have commitments and responsibilities to them

 

And I suppose faithfulness and fidelity don't play into those "responsibilities"

The MM's responbility now is to quit getting cheap ass and do right by his wife and child or get the hell out of the marriage. This man's wife and child deserve much better.

 

I'm sorry your views on these kinds of relationships are very skewed and i am guessing you'll never see my point of view.

 

And what point of view is that? That you feel entitled to sleep with another woman's husband? The view that you are proud as hell that any time you want money from him you can get it?

 

I can see why she wouldn't want to see this POV, much less partake in it.

[justice]

If I say everything over and over, then why haven't you realized why I am on here? I want the mistresses (!) to realize that they are really hurting another woman out there and that is wrong, that they themselves deserve better than this, that the MM is a lying cheat, who isn't leaving his wife, that adultery is a sin, it destroys people lives (lots of the OW claim to care about the children, but they are the ones doing the destroying of a child's life along with the MP), etc... the list goes on. Also, I do have anger towards people who selfishly participate in affairs, not as a BS, but as a child who's family was destroyed b/c of an affair... even today (all these years later) it affects my life and the lives of my siblings.

 

I have realized that everyone can talk "till their blue in the face", and the mistresses will never change.

 

 

I agree. I also think adultery should be punishable by law. With heavy fines and penalties to make the betrayer realize how much he or she is hurting their spouse.

[bish]

I'm not number 1...his kids are.

 

By the questions you ask, your assumption is that OW are in competition with W. You're wrong, in my case anyway.

 

Want money out of his paycheck? Live in his house?? Where do you get this stuff from?

 

Well the live in the house one was farfetched...but the money from his paycheck...old lovernotafighter already admitted she gets it and gets it whenever she wants.

[bish]

2.Tell him to come over when you want him to, not when he can conveniently trick his wife... heck wake him up (while he is sleeping next to his wife) and tell him to come over right on the spot.

 

Well I had this one in my court! I called mm neighbor over a at least 20 time's while sleeping next to the W and he ran right over. Is she that stupid??

 

Well if you say she is, I guess she must be.

 

So if she is "that stupid"...then are you that despicable?

[Impudent Oyster]

i agree. i would not tolerate cheating from MM. if i thought for one moment he had another OW out there, he would be gone. i would want nothing more to do with him. as for the W, i know about her, and i am not intimidated or jealous of his R with her.

 

He's already "cheating" on you with his wife. Difference is, you KNOW and accept that he's sleeping and living with another woman, the wife doesn't know, and you can be damn sure when she finds out, she demands he stop or she'll leave him.

 

Wives don't accept cheaters, OW do. In fact, they encourage it.

[Impudent Oyster]

My MM makes me feel like the absolute number one in his life behind his children. He puts himself through the ringer to prove that - he could easily end this at any time yet chooses not to? Why? Well, there's this little thing that passes ignored on this board from time to time...its called love

 

Yet he doesn't respect you enough to not keep your relationship hidden.

[Impudent Oyster]

LS is the most addictive place...Once it gets in your blood, it stays. You ever log on and then all you get "page cannot be found" ??? Then panic sets in...How long is it going to be down?

 

Agree, it's getting to be a bad habit.

[Impudent Oyster]

i if they were, there wouldnt be us OW to complicate poor MM's lives with our undying love and phenomenal sex

 

Just two of the many free services the OW provides..

[Smiling again]

This must be a day for getting a good laugh from people on here. LOL

 

I have to say, the poster I've quoted above sure does have a very vaulted opinion of herself and her worth.

I'd say if the MM thinks that highly of his free piece, she'd be the Mrs.

Men are funny like that.

I'd say she isn't because her MM knows what a free one or two he's getting.

better than the corner charging gal.

 

 

Did I strike a nerve Havn a life? You are right. I am a self-confident woman. You missed the point...this forum is for the OW/OM. When Jinnah started the thread she opened the door. I wasn't slamming anyone (like you)...she asked a question about us thinking we are number one (maybe you forgot the original thread topic) and my point in speaking for some of the OW's (not you, the wife) is that we don't ALL want the whole package. We have our own benefits.

[OWoman]

My MM had to face the choice again today. His W wanted to speak to him about the future. He was dreading it, knowing he was going to have to hurt her saying things she didn't want to hear.

 

She made it romantic, sent the kids off elsewhere, cooked a meal, put on soft music, flowers on the table, tried to dress alluringly. W told him she wanted to make another go of it, that he mustn't leave, to think about the past and all they've been through together.

 

He told me it was really difficult. Seeing her making the effort to be attractive was heartbreaking. He finds her physically distasteful, increasingly. He can't bear any form of contact, even accidental brushing against each other. He told her that he had to think of the future, not the past. That he had to choose happiness rather than pretence. That staying was not an option. It would be a slow death, and he must choose life.

 

He called me to say he loves me. I could hear her wailing and sobbing in the background. I just hope she doesn't do anything stupid in front of the kids.

[Impudent Oyster]

He told me it was really difficult. Seeing her making the effort to be attractive was heartbreaking. He finds her physically distasteful, increasingly. He can't bear any form of contact, even accidental brushing against each other. He told her that he had to think of the future, not the past. That he had to choose happiness rather than pretence. That staying was not an option. It would be a slow death, and he must choose life.

 

He called me to say he loves me. I could hear her wailing and sobbing in the background. I just hope she doesn't do anything stupid in front of the kids.

 

It's so strange to see someone take so much pleasure in another's pain. I believe there's a name for that. Sadist.

[OpenBook]

She made it romantic, sent the kids off elsewhere, cooked a meal, put on soft music, flowers on the table, tried to dress alluringly...

 

He called me to say he loves me. I could hear her wailing and sobbing in the background. I just hope she doesn't do anything stupid in front of the kids.

 

It's so strange to see someone take so much pleasure in another's pain. I believe there's a name for that. Sadist.

 

I never thought I would say this, but I have to agree with Impudent Oyster. That's cold, OWoman!!

[OWoman]

It's so strange to see someone take so much pleasure in another's pain.

 

Pleasure?? You clearly have an odd notion of pleasure, if that's what you think it is.

 

But I do think it's kinder that he's honest with her about the future and doesn't give her false hope. Let her deal with her loss and move on, rather than doing Miss Havisham for the rest of her days.

[whichwayisup]

. I could hear her wailing and sobbing in the background. I just hope she doesn't do anything stupid in front of the kids.

 

I thought you said the kids weren't there!!!

 

sent the kids off elsewhere

 

OW, you and this MM deserve eachother. Fact that he can be a cold heartless bastard to the mother of his bloody children and treat her like a piece of shi.t and you can sit there, getting off on it, loving that this poor woman is completely devastated - Waiting to take over her life and BE his wife!

 

What goes around, comes around eventually and one day BOTH YOU AND HIM will get it. Karma is a real bitch and when she decides to bite back, it's usually 1000x worse.

[Touche]

It amazes me how gullible some people can be. And it amazes me how cruel and heartless other are.

 

I can't imagine being with a man who talks about his wife that way. In fact, when I was dating, one of my biggest things to watch for was how a man talked about his exes. It was a BIGGIE with me. It speaks to the man's class and so much more, so much more. And we're talking about how they talk about their EXES...never mind current wife!

 

No offense, OWWoman, but your guy, even if he had been single, would have failed my "test" miserably. I would have rejected him after the first date. Goes to show you how we all have such different standards in our choice for a partner.

[OWoman]

I never thought I would say this, but I have to agree with Impudent Oyster. That's cold, OWoman!!

 

Wasn't trying to be cold, but there's no sad emoticon, only a mad one.

 

It's a real concern. This woman isn't the most stable. She may well try to get the kids on "her side" by doing something stupid. She's done it before. MM's pretty wracked himself (which was why he phoned, not to gloat) so I'm not sure he's in a position to insulate the kids from anything that happens.

 

I suggested getting friends around to disperse and contain all the emotion, and he's going to try for that.

[OpenBook]

Wasn't trying to be cold, but there's no sad emoticon, only a mad one.

 

It's a real concern. This woman isn't the most stable. She may well try to get the kids on "her side" by doing something stupid. She's done it before. MM's pretty wracked himself (which was why he phoned, not to gloat) so I'm not sure he's in a position to insulate the kids from anything that happens.

 

I suggested getting friends around to disperse and contain all the emotion, and he's going to try for that.

 

If I was married to a man who was calling his girlfriend while he was in the middle of destroying my life, I don't think I would be stable either. I just COMPLETELY do not understand why he would be calling you in the middle of this.

 

But at this point, if I were him I'd be more worried about the kids than anything else. Are there grandparents who could take care of them for a few days? The kids don't need to witness any of this. The sounds and images they absorb will stay with them for the rest of their lives. Please, I hope you and your MM have at least a little mercy for the kids' sake.

[OWoman]

I thought you said the kids weren't there!!!

 

They weren't. But they'll be home later - about now, I suppose.

 

 

OW, you and this MM deserve eachother. Fact that he can be a cold heartless bastard to the mother of his bloody children and treat her like a piece of shi.t and you can sit there, getting off on it, loving that this poor woman is completely devastated - Waiting to take over her life and BE his wife!

 

He's heartless because he TOLD her he was leaving previously, and she tried to talk him out of it and failed? How does any of that make sense? He's told her it's over. He's leaving. He's sleeping in the spare room and they've been living past each other for so long they're not even roommates anymore. He's been trying to talk to her about details about when he's leaving and what will happen with the kids and she's been avoiding it. Now she wants to talk, he tells her what he's been trying to tell her all along and this is him treating her "like a piece of shi.t"? I don't follow. What would you have preferred him to do - string her along and let her think he'd change his mind, and then pull the rug under her feet by sending her a postcard from his new address?

 

Incidentally, I don't "love" that she's devastated, even though it doesn't surprise me. I'd far rather it could happen in an adult, rational manner so that no one's heart gets put through the blender. Whatever I feel or don't feel for her, MM's in a state about this and I care very deeply for him and don't like that he has to go through that kind of pain.

 

And no, I CERTAINLY don't want her life! It's very very different to mine and I'd pick mine, any day!

[Touche]

They sleep in separate rooms! He's been "trying" to leave? He's been "trying" to talk to her.

 

UNbelievable. Just unbelievable. (Literally)