To all the OW who think they are number one...

[OWoman]

If I was married to a man who was calling his girlfriend while he was in the middle of destroying my life, I don't think I would be stable either. I just COMPLETELY do not understand why he would be calling you in the middle of this.

 

He wasn't calling in the middle of it. She'd gone and locked herself in the bathroom, wouldn't talk to him. He was stressed and worried, phoned me for I suppose reassurance. He was outside when he phoned, but yes I could hear her. The kids were not back yet then but likely are now.

 

As for "destroying her life", he didn't tell her anything he hadn't already said before. It's just she probably didn't realise before he was serious, and now she sees he's not just grandstanding. She tried to change his mind, she didn't succeed. How does this make HIM evil?

[OWoman]

Goes to show you how we all have such different standards in our choice for a partner.

 

Yes. I demand honesty in a partner. I would hate to be in his W's position and have him lie to me and lead me on with false hope, when he'd made up his mind and was acting on that. I'd rather know the truth, where I stood, so that I could get my own life in order rather than living in a soap bubble.

[OWoman]

They sleep in separate rooms! He's been "trying" to leave? He's been "trying" to talk to her.

 

UNbelievable. Just unbelievable. (Literally)

 

They do sleep in separate rooms - I've been there and seen the evidence.

 

He hasn't been "trying to leave" - he's been preparing to leave. Yes he could have moved out instantly we decided we wanted to be together, looked for a place somewhere nearby big enough for him and the kids, and left her immediately. Given that the kids wanted to be with him, she'd have been totally abandoned all at once when she hadn't seen it coming. Would that have been kinder? We did discuss the options, and I was the one who thought he should stay (in his separate room, yes) until the planning and preparation was complete, and maybe I was wrong in that. Maybe they should all just have walked out, yes.

 

Speaking to someone is difficult when you're never in the same space as them. She's away when he's there, he's away when she's there. They fight like cat and dog when they're together and so they have been living separate lives for a long time. He told her he was leaving some time ago. Since then every time he's wanted to talk she's gone out, or locked herself in her room, to avoid talking. I think she knew what was coming and thought that if she avoided talking about it, it wouldn't happen.

[nittygritty]

They do sleep in separate rooms - I've been there and seen the evidence.

 

He hasn't been "trying to leave" - he's been preparing to leave. Yes he could have moved out instantly we decided we wanted to be together, looked for a place somewhere nearby big enough for him and the kids, and left her immediately. Given that the kids wanted to be with him, she'd have been totally abandoned all at once when she hadn't seen it coming. Would that have been kinder? We did discuss the options, and I was the one who thought he should stay (in his separate room, yes) until the planning and preparation was complete, and maybe I was wrong in that. Maybe they should all just have walked out, yes.

 

Speaking to someone is difficult when you're never in the same space as them. She's away when he's there, he's away when she's there. They fight like cat and dog when they're together and so they have been living separate lives for a long time. He told her he was leaving some time ago. Since then every time he's wanted to talk she's gone out, or locked herself in her room, to avoid talking. I think she knew what was coming and thought that if she avoided talking about it, it wouldn't happen.

 

 

I find it UNbelievable as well.

 

Regardless, his wife gets to be rid of the cheater which is a big win for her. She will get a divorce settlement, custody or visitation with the kids and her freedom and happiness.

 

What does OWoman get? A cheater whose lost a great portion of his financial assets and the opportunity to babysit somebody elses kids for free and all the fun stuff that goes with being with a man whose got kids from a previous relationship.

 

The wife's nightmare ends and the OW's nightmare begins...What's that saying???

 

Be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it.

 

 

Perfect title for this thread...so true!

[Touche]

They do sleep in separate rooms - I've been there and seen the evidence.

 

He hasn't been "trying to leave" - he's been preparing to leave. Yes he could have moved out instantly we decided we wanted to be together, looked for a place somewhere nearby big enough for him and the kids, and left her immediately. Given that the kids wanted to be with him, she'd have been totally abandoned all at once when she hadn't seen it coming. Would that have been kinder? We did discuss the options, and I was the one who thought he should stay (in his separate room, yes) until the planning and preparation was complete, and maybe I was wrong in that. Maybe they should all just have walked out, yes.

 

Speaking to someone is difficult when you're never in the same space as them. She's away when he's there, he's away when she's there. They fight like cat and dog when they're together and so they have been living separate lives for a long time. He told her he was leaving some time ago. Since then every time he's wanted to talk she's gone out, or locked herself in her room, to avoid talking. I think she knew what was coming and thought that if she avoided talking about it, it wouldn't happen.

 

"Trying" to leave, "preparing" to leave...what's the difference in your eyes? Sounds like we're arguing semantics here.

 

And what do you mean you know they sleep in separate rooms? You were in their house at night when they were in bed? Wow! This sure is getting interesting. So how does that work? What did you see? Did you use binoculars? (By the way, I need a good pair for when I take our trip to the beach next month..what kind do you have?)

 

And you say it was YOUR idea that he move into another room in the house? Wow, just wow. I guess it doesn't bother you that that was your idea, huh? Interesting.

 

As far as all the speculation about what he should have done....how about if he got all his ducks in a row BEFORE starting it up with someone else? Now there's an option. Guess he didn't think of that though.

[Touche]

I find it UNbelievable as well.

 

Regardless, his wife gets to be rid of the cheater which is a big win for her. She will get a divorce settlement, custody or visitation with the kids and her freedom and happiness.

 

What does OWoman get? A cheater whose lost a great portion of his financial assets and the opportunity to babysit somebody elses kids for free and all the fun stuff that goes with being with a man whose got kids from a previous relationship.

 

The wife's nightmare ends and the OW's nightmare begins...What's that saying???

 

Be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it.

 

 

Perfect title for this thread...so true!

 

Good post nittygritty. Excellent post. The chances of this working out for them are next to nothing. I guarantee it. God, marriages where step kids are involved have a HUGE failure rate. Over 60% I believe it is. I've lived through it and I know. But these types of relationships (the MM/OW type of relationships) are so fraught with emotion in so many other ways than just the regular second marriage with kids thing, that it's doomed for failure. I know it.

[whichwayisup]

He is a dick for calling YOU infront of her, in the midst of all this going on. He could have waited till later, or seen you later on. To call you right after he dropped the bomb on her once and for all - HE IS A DICK for doing that. Sorry, but it's that plain and simple.

 

This is HIS mess, not yours, yet you seem to be right smack in the middle of THEIR marriage, suggesting various things to him. HIS marriage is HIS business! It's HIS fault that things have gone this far. HE allowed this to escalate into something worse for her by staying in the same house for so long...He SHOULD HAVE ended it, moved out to a hotel a long time ago or to a friend/family's place instead of staying there, leading her on. See, what YOU don't get is, even though he may have told her it's over, by STAYING IN THE SAME HOUSE and his NON ACTION of leaving made her feel like there was hope because he was still in the house!

 

I feel for her and the kids. What a f**ken mess.

[OWoman]

"Trying" to leave, "preparing" to leave...what's the difference in your eyes? Sounds like we're arguing semantics here.

 

Different intention. "Trying" suggests he's not really committed to the idea. "Preparing" is to make sure that everything's in place to make it sustainable - including good financial provision for W, and making sure kids are sorted.

 

And what do you mean you know they sleep in separate rooms? You were in their house at night when they were in bed? Wow! This sure is getting interesting. So how does that work? What did you see? Did you use binoculars? (By the way, I need a good pair for when I take our trip to the beach next month..what kind do you have?)

 

They'd need to be pretty good, considering I stay several thousand miles away from them.

 

And you say it was YOUR idea that he move into another room in the house? Wow, just wow. I guess it doesn't bother you that that was your idea, huh? Interesting.

 

No. He was already in his own room. It was my idea that he remain there rather than moving out completely at that point, before everything was in place. I thought my post said STAY in his own room, not MOVE INTO his own room, but maybe my mind played tricks on me.

[soon2bemine]

What's all this nonsense about rankings? Who cares?He's got a life and responsibilities, so do I. What matters is that we're each an important part of each other's lives.

[nittygritty]

Good post nittygritty. Excellent post. The chances of this working out for them are next to nothing. I guarantee it. God, marriages where step kids are involved have a HUGE failure rate. Over 60% I believe it is. I've lived through it and I know. But these types of relationships (the MM/OW type of relationships) are so fraught with emotion in so many other ways than just the regular second marriage with kids thing, that it's doomed for failure. I know it.

 

Thanks Touche and I totally agree with you. I was a stepmom married to an abusive cheater and even though we had a child together, I divorced him.

 

It was an absolute nightmare!

 

Marriage is hard enough in itself but for OW/OM to think that they're going to live happily ever after if only the cheater divorced...is nuts!

[OWoman]

Regardless, his wife gets to be rid of the cheater which is a big win for her. She will get a divorce settlement, custody or visitation with the kids and her freedom and happiness.

 

She doesn't see it that way. She wants him.

The financial settlement she'll get will be generous, more than the courts would have allocated. We've discussed this and planned it all along. Visitation will be more difficult - holidays twice a year. That will hurt her. She wants the kids and their leaving will be really hard for her.

 

What does OWoman get? A cheater whose lost a great portion of his financial assets and the opportunity to babysit somebody elses kids for free and all the fun stuff that goes with being with a man whose got kids from a previous relationship.

 

Gosh! You'd think, almost, that I hadn't step-parented before, or that it was hellish? And do you really think I'm with him for his money? That's pretty sad. So he's got kids. So have I. I'm not quite seeing the point here.

[Touche]

Different intention. "Trying" suggests he's not really committed to the idea. "Preparing" is to make sure that everything's in place to make it sustainable - including good financial provision for W, and making sure kids are sorted.

 

Intentions don't mean anything, OW. It's what he DOES that counts. Actions speak louder than words. How long has he been "preparing?"

 

They'd need to be pretty good, considering I stay several thousand miles away from them.

 

You stay several thousand miles away? But you didn't you say you saw for yourself that he sleeps in a different room? How is that possible from several thousand miles away? And wow, so this is also a LD relationship? Wow. You do know the odds are really stacked against you, OW. I'm not trying to be mean to you but they really are.

 

 

No. He was already in his own room. It was my idea that he remain there rather than moving out completely at that point, before everything was in place. I thought my post said STAY in his own room, not MOVE INTO his own room, but maybe my mind played tricks on me.

 

Oh, ok. Thanks for clearing that little point up for me. It makes all the difference!

[OWoman]

He is a dick for calling YOU infront of her, in the midst of all this going on. He could have waited till later, or seen you later on. To call you right after he dropped the bomb on her once and for all - HE IS A DICK for doing that. Sorry, but it's that plain and simple.

 

WWIU he didn't phone in front of her. She went and locked herself in the bathroom, and wouldn't come out. After trying to talk to her through the locked door, or persuade her to come out, eventually he went outside into the garden to phone me. There's no way she could have heard.

 

Yes, his marriage is his business. But he asked for my advice and I gave it. He couldn't move to a friend with the kids, and they wanted to go with him. Staying there in the separate room (that he was already in) seemed best for them than moving them around from pillar to post. Also, I thought at the time, for her - if they suddenly all just moved out and she wasn't expecting it, that could have been really rough. Rather do it in a civilised manner, planned and rational. That's what he was busy doing.

 

I don't know what would have been better, in retrospect. Perhaps if they had all just moved out at the time, left her on her own to deal with the reality it might have been awful at the time but she might have had to deal with it all at once and move on. Perhaps telling her, and trying to plan it properly so it was best for all of them, was being overly optimistic about how rational people can be in those kinds of situations. I don't know. I'm a different kind of person to her, I guess, and the way I'd have preferred to be treated in that situation may not be what she'd have chosen.

[lindya]

He told me it was really difficult. Seeing her making the effort to be attractive was heartbreaking. He finds her physically distasteful, increasingly. He can't bear any form of contact, even accidental brushing against each other. He told her that he had to think of the future, not the past. That he had to choose happiness rather than pretence. That staying was not an option. It would be a slow death, and he must choose life.

 

He called me to say he loves me. I could hear her wailing and sobbing in the background. I just hope she doesn't do anything stupid in front of the kids.

 

This man sounds like a very cold, self-absorbed individual. The distaste about physical contact with her sounds alarm bells....plus calling you up while she was in such distress was completely shoddy.

 

Your last comment really makes it sound as though the idea of her doing something silly doesn't bother you, just as long as she isn't too messy about it...and I truly believe the coldness you feel towards this woman will come back to haunt you one day.

[OWoman]

Thanks Touche and I totally agree with you. I was a stepmom married to an abusive cheater and even though we had a child together, I divorced him.

 

It was an absolute nightmare!

 

I'm sorry your experience of step-parenting was such a nightmare. Mine was a pleasure cruise. Those kids are long out of the house, but we still have a wonderful relationship. It doesn't HAVE to be a nightmare.

[Touche]

She doesn't see it that way. She wants him.

The financial settlement she'll get will be generous, more than the courts would have allocated. We've discussed this and planned it all along. Visitation will be more difficult - holidays twice a year. That will hurt her. She wants the kids and their leaving will be really hard for her.

 

I don't get it. Who gets the kids for holidays twice a year? The MM? I wouldn't count on it.

 

 

Gosh! You'd think, almost, that I hadn't step-parented before, or that it was hellish? And do you really think I'm with him for his money? That's pretty sad. So he's got kids. So have I. I'm not quite seeing the point here.

 

So you've step-parented before? And how'd that work out for you?

[Touche]

I'm sorry your experience of step-parenting was such a nightmare. Mine was a pleasure cruise. Those kids are long out of the house, but we still have a wonderful relationship. It doesn't HAVE to be a nightmare.

 

Ok, so you just answered my question there. You had a successful step-parenting relationship. That's great! Really. But have you met your MM's kids? Do you really think the dynamics between you and his kids will be just as good this time as the last? (I'm not judging here...just asking.)

[OWoman]

This man sounds like a very cold, self-absorbed individual. The distaste about physical contact with her sounds alarm bells....plus calling you up while she was in such distress was completely shoddy.

 

Your last comment really makes it sound as though the idea of her doing something silly doesn't bother you, just as long as she isn't too messy about it...and I truly believe the coldness you feel towards this woman will come back to haunt you one day.

 

Lindya they had a very abusive relationship, something he only allowed himself to admit during counselling, although it was obvious to everyone around them. Part of that has been a withdrawal, yes, leading to a physical reaction to her presence.

 

My comment... My thread has been closed but there I alluded to the way in which she's before tried to manipulate the kids into staying with her rather than leaving with MM. I don't believe she'll do something silly per se. But I do worry that she'll do something to try to manipulate them, guilt tripping them for wanting to leave. And I worry about how that will affect them, yes.

 

But the kids are home now, friends have come round and it all seems OK now, for now. She's supposed to be going away again tomorrow anyway so the space might be good for everyone.

[DarlingDoll]

... lets try an experiment! I am serious... this is for those of you who really think you are number one...let's find out if you are actually/factually no.1. This is not a malicious/sarcastic/sadistic post... I'm serious... this is just to see if your eyes need to be opened or if everyone else needs to shut up. Here's how:

 

1.Tell him to leave his BS and go live with you.

2.Tell him to come over when you want him to, not when he can conveniently trick his wife... heck wake him up (while he is sleeping next to his wife) and tell him to come over right on the spot.

3.Tell him you want his wife to know about you so you won't be the "dirty little secret" anymore.

4.Call him while he is sleeping with his wife and tell him to stop and come sleep with you.

5.Ask him to spend every holiday with you because you miss him/are lonely.

6.Tell him you need some money out of his paycheck

7.Tell him you want to be the one to live in his house with him instead of the wife and kids.

8.The list goes on... readers feel free to add...

 

OW, when you conduct these experiments, let us know how it turns out. If you need support after you find your results, we will be here for you. Seriously, and if you are right, then no one can say you aren't then, right?

 

 

Well I hit a few of those targets, now what? Do I get a prize or something?

[lindya]

Lindya they had a very abusive relationship, something he only allowed himself to admit during counselling, although it was obvious to everyone around them. Part of that has been a withdrawal, yes, leading to a physical reaction to her presence.

 

I see. That does put a different complexion on it altogether. I can fully understand why someone would withdraw from someone who'd been abusive to them.

 

My comment... My thread has been closed but there I alluded to the way in which she's before tried to manipulate the kids into staying with her rather than leaving with MM. I don't believe she'll do something silly per se. But I do worry that she'll do something to try to manipulate them, guilt tripping them for wanting to leave. And I worry about how that will affect them, yes.

 

This does sound like a horrible mess - and I agree with WWIU that it's far from ideal that you're so stuck in it. Is this a long distance relationship? You mentioned living several thousand miles from them.

[nittygritty]

She doesn't see it that way. She wants him.

The financial settlement she'll get will be generous, more than the courts would have allocated. We've discussed this and planned it all along. Visitation will be more difficult - holidays twice a year. That will hurt her. She wants the kids and their leaving will be really hard for her.

 

 

 

Gosh! You'd think, almost, that I hadn't step-parented before, or that it was hellish? And do you really think I'm with him for his money? That's pretty sad. So he's got kids. So have I. I'm not quite seeing the point here.

 

 

You said something about the kids wanting to live with Dad, so how old are they?

 

Perhaps you should research Blended families. The age and gender of the kids, the birth order and new placement within the Blended family. Your fantasy will not be reality. His kids are going to naturally resent all of the new changes and probably you and your kids, at least for a loooong while.

 

His Ex would be able to adjust to freedom. Your foolish if you think that you know the final outcome of the divorce before the process is finished.

 

The odds are completely against you and MM's relationship working. For starters your a serial OW and he'll be divorced with kids.

 

Who do you think has been taking care of your MM's house and kids while the two of you were off having an adulterous affair?

 

Well, his wife was of course. She will have more time to do what she wants to do and she will love it. Your MM will finally take on some responsibility of actually raising his kids and taking care of a place to live. Unless, he puts you in charge of all that.

 

Ex wife still comes out ahead.

[Havn_a_life]

really only concerned with mine right now, but thanks. been here a while, kind of know what goes on

 

Ya know, they always seem to say that....(shaking head sadly)

[OWoman]

Ok, so you just answered my question there. You had a successful step-parenting relationship. That's great! Really. But have you met your MM's kids? Do you really think the dynamics between you and his kids will be just as good this time as the last? (I'm not judging here...just asking.)

 

Touche I certainly don't expect it to be easy - these kids have been through a lot, and have been exposed to behaviour that kids should not have to witness from parents. There's no easy answer for them - if they choose to leave with MM, as they've said they want to, they'll see their mother twice a year for holidays and will worry about her all the time in between. If they choose to stay with her, it will be because she's guilt tripped them about leaving her and they'll feel compromised and cut-up about that, too. Best really would be if we could stay somewhere close enough to W so that they could see enough of both parents, but that doesn't look possible at the moment.

 

But they're almost out of the house. Not long and they'll be off to study. I suppose I'm naive to hope we can stall a train smash until then, but I'd prefer that. They really don't need to witness any more meltdown than they already have.

[Havn_a_life]

 

Wives don't accept cheaters, OW do. In fact, they encourage it.

 

This is very true. The sad thing is, OWs have no problem with it because they have it fixated in their minds that the situation will not always be that way, so they tolerate it.

it helps if the MM tells the OW that he isn't having sex with his W, they sleep in seperate beds, etc., etc....

[Havn_a_life]

My MM had to face the choice again today. His W wanted to speak to him about the future. He was dreading it, knowing he was going to have to hurt her saying things she didn't want to hear.

 

She made it romantic, sent the kids off elsewhere, cooked a meal, put on soft music, flowers on the table, tried to dress alluringly. W told him she wanted to make another go of it, that he mustn't leave, to think about the past and all they've been through together.

 

He told me it was really difficult. Seeing her making the effort to be attractive was heartbreaking. He finds her physically distasteful, increasingly. He can't bear any form of contact, even accidental brushing against each other. He told her that he had to think of the future, not the past. That he had to choose happiness rather than pretence. That staying was not an option. It would be a slow death, and he must choose life.

 

He called me to say he loves me. I could hear her wailing and sobbing in the background. I just hope she doesn't do anything stupid in front of the kids.

 

Doesn't it always happen that way? Of course he called the OW to reassure her infront of the W, who's wailing an knashing her teeth in agony...

I'm sure this OW has so much pity and empathy and compassion in her ...heart...for the poor unfortunate woman who's M to this guy.

 

Who could stand to hear a woman in utter pain and anguish and not feel sorry for her? Who I ask you?