How can one get past the impersonal atmosphere of university?

[Serph]

So I'm a male in his mid-twenties, having just moved out in a new town to undertake a bachelor's degree. Recent years have been very trying and condemned me to fortuitous isolation, and enormous amounts of time spent at the hospital. Fortunately, it's nothing that in the end succeeded in warping me, or dampening my self-esteem or pride, even if today I still feel extenuated.

 

And so to soothe the lingering side effects, I need to start a new life from scratch. New bounds, new friends and ultimately a girl which I'd be intimate with.

 

Unfortunately, this seems hard to accomplish in this sort of environment. University is very populous, and impersonal as a result. I've talked to random people plentifully, assisted random reunions and parties, and even joined a few clubs, hoping to catalyze these new bounds. Frustratingly, even if people seem to enjoy my company, it seems impossible to get past the state of vague acquaintance in anyone's eyes.

 

Things aren't bad. I know that I look decent, have no confidence issues, can be apathetic and scornful when the situation requires it, and do not care about what others might think of me. But no matter how many efforts are made, all the attempts so far to veer these goal-oriented group activities towards a more personal climate have resulted in failure.

 

To make matters worse, my classes on average have a ratio of 5-6 girls for one guy. This ended up being a complication because there's this inherent complicity between buddies that just isn't there. In previous schools, it was extremely easy to randomly start conversations and joke around with the other guys in class, and then occasionally receive some occasions to interact with them outside of the realm of class. But now it's obvious that girls and guys somewhat segregate themselves from one another and have constrating interests on many points.

[quankanne]

my advice to my goddaughters when they started college was to join the campus newspaper if they wanted to meet people and create strong friendships, even if it was to just volunteer to distribute the paper. Because I've found that the folks on the campus paper come from vastly different backgrounds and are a bit more open to connecting with each other because of the common goal of getting a good product out. I'm sure it happens in other disciplines, but I think there's less of a competition between staffers because everyone has a strength to contribute …

 

that said, I'm curious as to what kind of setting you speak of when you mention "university" – as a graduate of a US university, I'm thinking a collegiate career is way different than that of say a university in the UK ...

[norajane]

Plan group activities - throw a party. Invite people to get together to watch sporting events, or whatever. If people at your university are all group-oriented, rather than one-on-one, then become a part of the group rather than trying to form individual friendships. Eventually, you'll click with a few people who will become friends.

 

Also, where are you living? If you get housing on campus where a lot of other students live, you'll have more opportunities to run into people.

 

Finally, hanging out at the campus coffee shops will likely bring you into contact with other loners.

[corazoncito]

I got my undergraduate degree at a US university with about 40,000 students. I lived on campus my first year and made a good "core" group of friends in my dormitory first. I soon after made groups of friends from on campus jobs (like the library. That job also had great perks for my access to books). I met other people through classes, especially the tougher ones where we formed study groups to survive. Once you have a couple of networks in place like this it's really easy to meet friends-of-friends at parties, sporting events, art events, etc.

 

While it's important to be proactive, especially when you are at a large university, it also just takes time. Just be open and friendly and you'll find your social life will fall into place little by little.

[Serph]

I don't live in a dorm, but in an apartment, so that's another hurdle to what I'm seeking. A quiet spot was essential for me to rest when feeling tired or in pain since of the lingering effects of the affliction I've had, and I registered too late for any dorm room to be available anyway.

 

So far, hanging out in public places like coffee shops or cafeterias produces nothing, it doesn't seem like complete strangers will get attached to me out of the blue, and it's too awkward to approach such people when we have no reason to be together yet.

 

quankanne, that's actually an original suggestion. There are a few newspapers here, perhaps it would be possible to join one of them, I should check this out on the university's web page. Yes, perhaps that it's one of the rare group activities where because of what you mention, interpersonal contacts delve a little deeper than the norm. So far I've been vastly disinterested in them because they seem to consist of nothing but boring sycophantic praise of important university people and students, but it's better than nothing.

 

Of course, ultimately I'm well aware that no magical solution can be brought up, one just needs to join as many groups as possible and try, try and try again until someone spontaneously sees something special in you. Nevertheless this dependancy on fortuitousness and the stress that it subsequently creates is what's very frustrating at times.

[Serph]

Oh well, in the end there was no opportunity to join a newspaper's crew. Still I've noticed that there was a faculty party towards the end of October, so I'll make sure to assist it even if a priori it doesn't seem all that interesting.

 

Also, another thing I wondered, the one hurdle that I see which might or might not keep me from reaching my goals concerning girls is that even if the bus transportation system is omnipresent and very, very good in this town, I don't own a car. Would this look pathetic? Then again of course this is probably very frequent among students and in metropolises, and if someone isn't interested in you because you lack your wheels, then she's not worth the bother in the first place.