INTROUBLE Posted April 23, 2003 Share Posted April 23, 2003 I was with my ex-girlfriend for three years. In a stupid, drunken state I cheated on her. I couldn't stand the guilt or pain of it, so I broke up with her. I didn't tell her that I cheated because I didn't want her never to trust another man again. But, she still calls me and thinks that there may be a chance that we could be together in a few year. I really don't know what to do. I know that I made a huge mistake--I'm paying for it, but I want to know what is best for her? To tell? Or not to tell? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted April 23, 2003 Share Posted April 23, 2003 What is best for both of you is for you to forgive yourself and keep your mouth shut. Get back together with her, STOP DRINKING and doing stupid shxt, and live together happily ever after. If she wants to know why you broke up in the first place, tell her the truth...that you did not feel worthy of her. But now you realize you cannot live without her regardless. Remember, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT FOR ALL TIME. Her or anybody else knowing your stupid behavior will serve no purpose except to hurt her and ruin your relationship. Forgive yourself and forget it ever happened. If you need treatment for drinking...if this happens often...get it ASAP!!! Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted April 23, 2003 Share Posted April 23, 2003 except that rather than forgetting that it ever happened, I think you should remember it inasmuch as you remember the steps you took that led you to make the mistake in the first place. Were you pissed off at her about something when you cheated? Did you cheat on her with someone you'd been kind of flirting with for a while but never would have acted on the flirtation if you were sober? Etc. In other words, figure out exactly why you did what you did (as Tony has suggested, if there's a drinking problem or other issue, find it and deal with it). If you're not aware of what drove you to it in the first place, there's no way you can know that you won't repeat the same mistake, regardless of your intentions. Forgive yourself, yes. Forget about it at least so much that you don't sit around beating yourself up over it and further sabotaging your relationship with your gf. And yes, don't tell her. Or anyone else -- not even your friends -- because that would put a burden on them (to keep it a secret from her). It's your burden. It ought to lessen with time, especially if you know why you did it, and thus why it will never happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
steffany Posted April 23, 2003 Share Posted April 23, 2003 I can't believe you broke it off and refuse to get back with her if you love her. I think you don't love her. I think you like her but if you loved her you would want to be with her even if that meant telling the truth and working things out a long time ago. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted April 23, 2003 Share Posted April 23, 2003 Well, I'll be different. The one thing that has caused the most pain in all of my relationships and in my marriage is lying. Not only did I feel deceived when I found out the truth, but the person who told the lie was unable to be totally happy and confident in our relationship because the lie was a dark cloud over us and I didn't know why. As a person being lied to, then finding out the truth, I lost my trust in that person, not in all men. It also helped me realize the importance of being honest with your partner. I also felt like my freedom of choice was taken from me, and that made me feel like chattel. If I know the truth, then I can base my decisions honestly and make my own choices. Lies have a way of coming back and biting-- one way or another, and you are already having a difficult time dealing with this. Do you want to go thru life looking over your shoulder for the lie to catch you? Link to post Share on other sites
INTROUBLE Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 Granted--she wouldn't find out, but the issue is with myself. I don't know if I could live with myself knowing I did this. I mean, how could I be a good father if I were to ever marry her? If I were not to get back together with her, do I tell her what I did (in this case she will likely have trust issues in her future relationships), or do I not say anything and just tell her it's over, which is perhaps more confusing for her, but at least she won't have trust issues with her next boyfriend? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 YOU WRITE: " I mean, how could I be a good father if I were to ever marry her?" What has marrying her got to do with you being a good father. If you want to be a decent human being, you've got to learn to forgive others, forgive yourself and get on with your life. Certainly this isn't the worst thing you've ever done and you'll do other things in the future. It's because you are human. Give yourself permission to be human and get on with your life. You're making a lot bigger deal out of this than it is. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 Again I agree with Tony: you're making far too big an issue out of this. Which makes me wonder if perhaps your real agenda has always been to break up with your girlfriend -- and you're just unwilling to admit that to yourself. You cheated on her, which is usually a sign that something wasn't right. You broke up with her, which is in keeping with the logic that something wasn't right. You were unwilling to fess up to the reason why you had to break up with her, perhaps because you realized after the fact that cheating made you look bad, and you don't want to look bad in her eyes. But now your guilt provides a way for you to not be in the relationship without appearing (to yourself most of all) to be a complete b*stard. Guy cheats on girlfriend and then breaks up with her: a no-good guy Guy makes a "big mistake" in cheating on his girlfriend, and then in a whirl of guilt and grief breaks up with her: a flawed but well-intentioned guy. The first scenario is cleaner but makes you look bad. The second scenario leaves your gf with lots of unanswered questions (making the break-up harder for her). And it prevents you from seeing what is really going on inside your head. Seems to me that if this were really one-off mistake that would not be repeated, you would know that you'd be all right in getting back together w/her. And you wouldn't be so conflicted. Link to post Share on other sites
Bill Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 Cheating on someone takes a certain kind of person to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
steffany Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 I hear what your saying but I just recently cheated. It's a new thing for me to be in a seriouse relationship. And sometimes it takes a look at what you could have for you to understand and have greater appretiation and realize how great what you do have is. I wonder if everyone does this to some degree at least once in their life. I don't think it is totally insane to wonder about the grass on the other side of the fence. I had one date one kiss and left there so excited about my understanding of my feelings for my guy. It's how you handle it afterwards that makes a difference. Like I said I don't think this guy ever really loved his girl. He won't even give her a chance to hear the truth and decide what she wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Bill Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 Don't justify cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
steffany Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 Not justifing cheating I am just aware that everything in life is not picture perfect. We all make mistakes and have flaws. As long as we learn from our mistakes and can move forward in life we can grow and become a better person. Each thing that happens in our life ultimately shape us into who we are. My point is I don't think this guy loves this girl. He doesn't even want to work things out with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Bill Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 "Oops, I slept with someone" is not a mistake. That intent to hurt your significant other. Link to post Share on other sites
steffany Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 This guy doesn't say if he did or didn't. Point is he didn't love the girl he was with. So his only mistake was staying with her. And now even thinking of starting the relationship back up with no truth is ubsurd. No honesty and no love. Sounds like disaster and heart break waiting to happen. I never "Ooops I fell and it just slipped in" Your right that is intent to hurt. Or it shows you don't even care that much to even think of the other person. I'm not argueing with you. I just don't believe that I'm a "certain kind of person" because I went out on one date with a guy. Shoot I even asked to make our relationship seriouse a week before the incident and was told it wasn't a good time. I'm not a cold heartless person. And I don't believe every person who cheats is. Like I said we all make mistakes on this long winding path of life. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 People obviously don't always cheat with the intention of hurting their partner. In many cases, it's a "oh, just once, my SO won't find out, anyway" - i.e. the person hopes to get some pleasure without hurting the SO. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
steffany Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't think you are doomed to be a bad person who has the intent to hurt others if you have cheated Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 You wrote: I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't think you are doomed to be a bad person who has the intent to hurt others if you have cheated Well let's be real here........people who cheat have GOT to know that if their partner knew what they were up to (screwing around with someone behind their back, going on a date with someone behind their back, etc), their partner would be hurt. That's a no-brainer........afterall, people in relationships who CHOOSE to see other people behind their partner's back (to whatever degree) aren't upfront about it.......they don't go to their partner and say, before it happens, "Oh hunny, I'm going to be going on a date with someone else tonight" or..."Hunny I'm going to be having sex with someone else." Right? So in other words, they know in advance that doing whatever they're doing WOULD be very hurtful to their partner, if their partner KNEW...............so let's not sugarcoat it here, whether the INTENT is there to hurt one's partner by seeing someone behind their back, that's beside the point. A person doesn't have to be a rocket scientist to know damn well in advance that doing whatever it is they've made the CHOICE to do is going to hurt their partner. I hate it when people try to excuse themselves or minimize their bad behavior by saying "well I didn't INTEND to hurt my partner." Um, no but you knew damn well that it was wrong when you were doing it, right? Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 right, the people realize they're doing something wrong, but they hope their S.O. won't find out, hence no hurt will come of it! the point is not to hurt, the point is to get free pleasure. now in other cases, ppl cheat to get back at their SOs, but that's a completely diff-t story. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
INTROUBLE Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 Ok--I understand that it wasn't a good thing. That's clear. But, the question now is: even if I were not to get back together with her, ever, do I tell her now what happened or do I save her the grief of knowing that someone wasn't honest with her? Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted April 25, 2003 Share Posted April 25, 2003 don't tell her. why would you want her to know? it won't do any good but make her upset. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted April 25, 2003 Share Posted April 25, 2003 don't tell her. there's no need to hurt her with that information. it's not as if every man she meets is going to cheat on her, just because you did. there's no take-home lesson for her to learn. it was your deed, it's your guilt and your burden. stop prolonging the melodrama for her. it really does sound like you wanted to break up with her, so just let her go now. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted April 25, 2003 Share Posted April 25, 2003 I would rather know then live a lie. I only say this because I lived a lie for 2 years and when I finally found out it has totally ****ed things up in my life when it comes to trust issues or other members of the same sex. Link to post Share on other sites
jeannie_mcbeal Posted May 8, 2003 Share Posted May 8, 2003 My painful lesson learnt is that - A Lie leads to more lies and soon you have a mountain packed of lies and you will forget what lie you told. Even if you don't tell the truth, it is considered a lie anyway - at least to your partner. Look, I'm sure your partner will ask you why you left her all of a sudden with no reasons at all. What would you say? Would you lie? And would there be more lies after that lie? What if few months down the road she asked again, and you forgot the lie(s) but she remembers and knows you lied? I say, you need to know if you really do love her. If you do, tell her the truth, give her the right to stay or leave. If she stays, then at least she knows honesty is still an element in the relatioship. At least she will still believe whatever you say next time - be it "Sorry" or "I love you". She may not respect you - but you can work on that slowly. Link to post Share on other sites
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