i need to talk to someone

[coath]

i need some help im going out of my mind !!!i am 24 and my ex 23 we have been together for 8 years and have a little girl called jasmine both of them mean the world to me i love them more than words can discribe.about 1 week ago she told me that she loves me but is not in love with me !and she has felt this way for a while.bamm my whole life is over what can i do , i have left our rented house and gone to live at my mums house she is now looking for a new place to live and i am doing the same i cant bare living with out them i cant bare not seeing jasmine , i going to miss so much in her lifeits so painfull i know i have to stay strong for jasmine and i keep telling myself that but its hard i cant do anything right now eat sleep concentrate at work , i love them both so muchwhen she said this to me i was like this is out of the blue , but now taking a step back i could see some signs , but what could i have done about it i not a bad person i have done asmuch as i could for them both i cant stop thinking about her being with someone else its going to kill me she is my first love only girl i have slept with and her the same i love the family life , going away together i want her back so bad right now !!!i cant go on with thisplease help

sorry about this post i am not good at this sort of thing

[coath]

sorry about that i was in a mess when i wrote itthis whole situation im in right now is scary !i love my family to bits , i wanted to marry this girl have more kids !i just need some help or advice

[marty]

oh mate i really feel for you.

 

and dont be sorry, you've found a great place here at LS.

 

try and just take it hour by hour. hard fact is you cant do much about her feelings at the moment. you have to try somehow to concentrate on you.

 

easier said than done i know. its just a matter of feeling it all. and its bloody painful. going No Contact isnt an option because of your little girl but try and stay strong , especially in front of her mum.

 

she chose this remember , not you. i would only have contact with her relating to jasmine. nothing more. (again, easier said than done, sounds like you have a big heart).

 

use this place,, write down whatever your feeling, whenever you need. turn to family and friends for support.

 

there's loads of ppl here that know your pain, and have amazing advise.

 

take care m8

[joekurtz]

Bloody hell my friend, I really feel for you.

 

I've just spent a bit of time replying to another individual over on the BREAK UPS forum entitled "I can't go on ...", in which I tried to give the poor sod my best advise, some of which might apply to your situation. But much of it it won't because of Jasmine. Sharing a child in common makes your sitch oh so much different.

 

But, while she makes your split with your girlfriend so much more difficult & that much more complicated, your little girl can also prove to be your greatest strength. While you'll want to wallow in self pity & have every right in the world to feel that way, you have Jasmine to be strong for.

 

And while what I'm going to say next isn't going to make you feel any better at all & you'll likely want to dismiss me as a platitude offering wanker, the truth is you're a very young man & you've got your whole life ahead of you. That doesn't make your pain over this any less real or any less meaningful. Not by a long shot. But, you will survive this & you'll eventually come out of this bleak period intact. Oh, there'll be an emotional scar that you'll never forget ( I'll be 46 in four short days & I've still got a nice one from when I was but 21 ... ) but the pain fades away with time & you'll move on.

 

I know it doesn't at all seem possible now, but given time you'll see I was spot on. Trust me.

 

'Til then, take care & peace.

[Melovator]

I'm really sorry this is happening to you.

 

Please do not do what one of my male friends did at your age when his marriage broke down- he was in so much emotional pain that he pretty much stopped seeing his daughter. It was only because his parents kept picking her up for Sunday lunch that he managed to maintain a relationship with her.

 

You should seek legal advice about residency arrangements. You are your daughter's parent and she deserves to have your input in her life.

 

Your daughter is the most important person in this situation, this does not lessen or cheapen your pain. But children do not get to choose the circumstances of their lives, they are dependent on the adults around them, i.e. their parents, i.e. YOU, to make the best choices possible to ensure their best interests.

 

I'd strongly urge individual counselling, LS is great but there's something real nice about having another person actually with you listening and who is able to offer a different view point and some tools for coping.

[Filn]

Hey man, first off, you have come to the right place.

 

There are a lot of guys on this forum with very similar situations, myself included. It seems that a lot of times when women want a divorce, this is how it happens. The whole I love you but not in love you stuff isn't uncommon. It hurts like hell and your life seems to be ruined, I know, I have had the same thing happen to me.

 

It is often hard to tell someone what to do, because each situation is different in its own right, but many separations are very similar. I can only help you by telling you how I have been dealing with it and maybe offer you some insight. Its about the best any of us can do.

 

I got the whole I love you but not in love with you thing as well. I am 29 and it crushed me. I don't have any kids but had a lot of plans and a full future I was looking forward to, with my wife. Having your dreams and knowing that the security of knowing what is coming the next day is a very, very hard thing to be taken away from you.

 

I struggled for a long time. I was depressed and even tried to kill myself a few times. Which, by the way, is never worth it. ESPECIALLY if you have children. Never let your children grow up fatherless... Live for them and focus on them once you find yourself.

 

The truth is, the best thing that helps is time. It sucks, because time seems unending when you are hurting. Time never seems to speed up when you want it too, it only seems to drag on. But IT DOES GET BETTER IN TIME!

 

My advice, Keep yourself busy with menial things. Writing and drawing have been good therapy for me when i just NEEDED to let out how I felt. Find friends to hang out with and go out and have some fun. FORCE yourself to have fun. It does work. Sometimes, you just need to cover the pain for a few days before you can move on. Do yard work around your mums house, dive into your job and be absorbed by it. Just keep yourself busy and try not to dwell on what is happening.

 

You will have time in between your activities to think about your family, and believe me, you will still be thinking about it a lot. At least, that is what I did. It may seem like I am saying that you should shut out your feelings and ignore them, but I am not. In my experience, keeping busy keeps you from dwelling on the bad things and makes it so when you have time, you HAVE to deal with the important things.

 

The best thing happened when I realized something, and I am sure that you will realize it too someday. One day, I came to the realization that my marriage was over and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. It was out of my control. When that happened, I did what I had to do. I just stopped talking to my wife. I haven't talked to her in weeks, months even and I am starting to feel better. It may not work for you since you have a child, but I think you can see what I mean.

 

Don't let yourself dwell on the bad things, focus on what is important: You and your child. Good luck, it isn't easy but one thing is for sure, life goes on. Cliche as it sounds, it is the truth.

[coath]

i want to thank you all for your support .

 

things are not getting much better but i have had jasmine most of the weekend which is good , i had a talk to my ex yesterday i know it was probably the wrong idea but i had to tell her how i felt which probably made things worse.

 

man she has changed in the last week or so , she looks really tired abit like me , she is doing things and saying things she never did , the house is a mess , but she has been working alot .

 

the plans to move out are going forward still which is killing me , i know i should take it day by day but the thought of her with someone else makes me feel sick , the thought of going to her house to pick up jasmine and someone else being there man thats going to hurt like hell .

 

thanks alot this really helps

[Lyssa]

Coath, I'm sorry for this to happen to you...

 

You came to the right place! Look at all the advices given to you by all these fine gentlemen! I hope you have been reading - you should get some stuff settled especially your daughter's living arrangements and what-not.

 

It will help also to come here often and read other posts esp those similar to yours. Keep posting as well. It really helps...

 

I hate when things like this happen to such a good young man. You do have a big heart and don't let something like this change you.

 

All the best!

[Melovator]

Look at all the advices given to you by all these fine gentlemen!

 

Oh my god! I've grown a pair! And what's this? :laugh:

 

I need a lie down....

 

There does seem to be a lot of young guys here right now.

 

This is big stuff you're going through coath... and its cr@ppy and its hard but it can also be a time to take stock of your life. Try thinking about the things that are good in your life and the things you have going for you...and then start thinking about "Well what can I do with these skills, talents, likes etc etc that I've always wanted to do?"

 

You don't have to get lost in what-if's and I shoulda's, you can start thinking about the person you are and the person you want to be and what you can do to make that happen for yourself. This is a big life event and you will go through it in your own way and in your own time but you can decide to learn and grow from this or you can... well... wind up with more issues than you've already got (Anyone here issue free? Please raise your hands!).

 

take care

[coath]

thanks for your support it really helps

 

well this is just the beginning there is so much to do , split the contents of the house sort out all the moneys , find a place to live !

 

i just so heart braking and i cant help but blame myself thinking maybe i could have done something if only i picked up on the signals !

 

there is nothing more i want right now than my family back i feel so lost without them !!

 

but i know i have to stay strong for jasmine , she is my world i didnt want it to be like this ! she keeps on asking when i am coming back and if mummy is in love with me again .

 

sam my ex is the best thing that happend to me , when i first found out she was pregnent i was very scared but we worked hard at it for 8 years trying to save for the future and raise jasmine in the best way which we have done , but now all i can think about is i am going to be replaced by someone else who will be there to help raise jasmine , also we go on family holidays to the same place about 3 to 4 times a year to a little beach hut on the coast which is owned by sams side of the family , well it wont be me going now when jasmine is on her school holidays its killing me .

 

i just need to keep me head up and keep going to work

 

i dont think i will ever find someone else like sam she is so nice caring good looking sensable and a very good mum !!!

 

thanks

[Melovator]

but now all i can think about is i am going to be replaced by someone else who will be there to help raise jasmine ,

 

You can't be replaced- you are her father, no-one else. You will only be replaced if you let yourself be replaced. You and your ex are co-parents, anyone that she gets with is irrelevent to that relationship between the two of you. And vice-versa.

 

The conversation about your daughter's well-being and growth doesn't stop, it will be more difficult but it doesn't stop. And when talking to your ex that's what you should focus on, your daughter.

 

You could get lost for the rest of your life in coulda, shoulda, woulda but its not worth it. You cannot change the past, as much as it would be really nice to be able to, all you can do is make a choice about how you want to live your life from now on. What sort of person you want to be.

 

There are a thousand other things i could say but there are other people better to say them around here... try reading other threads here on LS... even though everyone's situation is different there's a lot of universal wisdom.

[Gunny376]

Oh my god! I've grown a pair! And what's this? :laugh:

 

Its been my general experience that "Aussie" women have more "true grit" in their gullet than most men from most Western nations.

 

I'd rather have an "Aussie" woman in my fox-hole than most men from Western countiries! At least I know I had my "six o'clock" covered!

[Gunny376]

Its when your at your weakest in life ~ that you're at your at your strongest and best!

 

Your Jasmine's Father! And that's just a plain natural fact! Nothing and no one's going to change that fact ~ with the exception of one person and one person only!]

 

YOU!

 

Its all about a matter or priorties? Choices? You can choose to become a flusy and chase everything there is in a skirt? You can choose to become ambitious and work to become the next Donald Trump, Bill Gates, etc.

 

Or? You can choose to make the necessary choices to become a priority in your daughter's life and she a priorty in your life? The choice is yours?

 

No parent should make their children lives ~ their life. And vice-versa. But we all need to work at making each other a priority in our lives

 

Its called balance!

 

Add a little honor, and integrity into the mix? A smige of scarafice! Make Jasmine a priortiy in your life ~ and she will do the same!

 

You've lost your wife, your marrige ~ which as Lady Jane has said repeatedly ~ isn't the end of your life ~ its the end of this marriage.

 

You can only lose your BL (be-loved) daughter if you and you alone make that choice!

 

BTW? I broke up with my last LTR GF when she said: "Well if you choose your children over me, that's just something that I'm just going to have to accept?" WTF?

 

And I grant you? Once you've had a child or children with another, and involved with another ~ it gets hard?

 

Keep posting! Cry me a river!

 

Its allowed here at LS!

[coath]

thanks for your support !well i had jasmine for most of the weekend which was nice but i feel so sorry for her right now !sams being really cold to me at the moment and jasmine keeps on telling her she hates her for what she has done ! i just wish i could wake up from this nightmare ! i was listening to some music when this was said and it pretty much sums it up !TO LIVE IS TO SUFFER BUT TO SURVIVE IS TO FIND MEANING IN THE SUFFERING !!

[Gunny376]

I'd wished LS and Lady Jane (among others) had been around when I went through this crap 17 years ago? It was just me, George Jones, and a fifth of Jack Daniels!

 

I'm up half way through my sleep cycle ~ so I won't post!

 

Just keep posting ~ us vets will get you thorugh this!

[Missy27]

Cant stop long as on my way to work ~ But ~

 

Everyone else is right Coath - YOU are the only one who can make sure that you remain a predominant figure in Jasmine's life - The thing that matters first and foremost in this whole situation is your daughter - never forget that and use it as a basis to regain strength.

 

I don't quite know why your STBX has pulled this one on you - its hard to say ~ you are both young and have a lot of responsibility ~ but sometimes ~ people are just NOT meant to be toegther forever ~ sometimes ~ parting company can actually give you the impetus to reach a better place in your life ~ If you ask alot of the men on here who have been through this and got through the other side ~ I bet 99% of them will tell you that they are better / stronger people for it ~ read ILMW's thread amongst others ~ it will show you that people can get through ~ and change for the better ~ even when they are dealt a bad hand ~ sure ~ no-one really WANTS to get divored ~ but sometimes ~ life throws these things at us and we just gotta suck it up ~ and TURN it around to our own advantages ~ who's to say your relationship with your daughter wont be even stronger ~ even if you and your W do part company ~ ?

[coath]

i have never spoke to anyone on a forum before but you people are truly amazing ! i never thought this would help me but i does i want to thank you all and keep it coming !well today my emotions have been all over the place , one minuate thinking living on my own being completely indepedent its going to be ok , next the complete opposite , the thing is this is the most difficult thing i have ever done i had planned the future being together , i get on with all her family always have ! but in the situation im in now with jasmine i can see things turning sour with them all ! any advice

[Melovator]

Its been my general experience that "Aussie" women have more "true grit" in their gullet than most men from most Western nations.

 

I'd rather have an "Aussie" woman in my fox-hole than most men from Western countiries! At least I know I had my "six o'clock" covered!

 

Well... when you have to deal with Aussie blokes (who do have their good points don't get me wrong!) you gotta have grit... or a sense of humour! Preferably Both! And that's what mates do down here, cover your @ss and then some!

 

i have never spoke to anyone on a forum before but you people are truly amazing ! i never thought this would help me but i does i want to thank you all and keep it coming !well today my emotions have been all over the place , one minuate thinking living on my own being completely indepedent its going to be ok , next the complete opposite , the thing is this is the most difficult thing i have ever done i had planned the future being together , i get on with all her family always have ! but in the situation im in now with jasmine i can see things turning sour with them all ! any advice

 

You're emotions are going to be up and down and sideways and slantways... but after while you'll notice that the bad times don't last so long and don't feel as bad. You don't have to push away what you're feeling but you don't have to feed it either. Just feel it as it happens and then let it pass.

 

Also exercise is your friend, those feel good endorphins... they're addictive.

 

Part of what you're mourning right now is the loss of a planned future... that fantasy vision of happy ever after. Its gone and it sucks to lose that bright shiny dream, but now the future is wide open, you get to invent it yourself, you get to create yourself! Its actually kind of exciting when you think about it...

 

If you are doing your best for your daughter and you're not asking your ex's family to take sides in anything, why should there be an issue? If they begrudge you involvement in your own daughter's life then to be honest who really wants to get along with such people anyway? Don't talk about your ex with them, if they raise it change the topic to something cute your daughter has done recently... always a good way to distract grandparents.

[Gunny376]

Part of this process of going through separation/divorce you manifest and magnify the worse case scenario 10X's more than what it actually is. Especially your relations with other people and with what you think other people are thinking.

 

The problem isn't your in-laws? The problem is within you!

 

IF they're otherwise normal people, then they will deal with you and respect you as the Father of Jasmine.

 

The best predictor of furture behavior is past behavior. With that said, they'll most likely deal with you and treat you the same as they always have? The only questionable variable would be if you started acting like as horse's ass?

[coath]

i feeling abit pi**ed off right now i hope there is someone here to talk to !

 

why is she giving up

 

why is she breaking this family apart

 

why does she want to move on ( i love this girl so much )

 

i want to go down there now i talk to her , parents talked me out of it !

its not going to make a defference anyway but i dont want to lose her !

 

jasmine started to cry again this afternoon when i dropped her back home its killing me to see her like this !

 

but this is just the beginning , i not looking foward to moving out !

 

has anyone got access to a time machine so i can skip a few months !

[Gunny376]

You're going through the stages of "grief" Just as if you lost a loved one through death.

 

You're going to be sad!

 

You're going to be angry!

 

You're going to have regrets!

 

You've going to be pissed offed!

 

Another term for divorce?

 

Crazy time!

 

You're going to feel as though your losing your mind!

 

The honest truth of the matter is?

 

You (like I) didn't have a freaking clue about being married! And neither did Lady Jane ~ who to me is the absolute authority about how to be married! She had to learn, and so did I (I'm not currently married nor involved BTW).

 

Where in the Hell did you learn about being married? In elementary school? Middle school? High School? College? Church?

 

That's RIGHT!

 

They don't teach it anywhere!

 

Until you get married and reach a crisiss point! Then they tell you to get marriage couseling! TOO freaking late then! Too much water over the damn and under the bridge!

 

I tell you something they don't teach! Personal Finance!

Not in elementary school, not middle school, not high school, not college!

 

And the number one reason for divorce ~ finances!

 

Quit beating yourself up! Your @ss just didn't know!

 

Your 22 for Christmas~sake!

 

Quit being so hard on yourself!

 

Now get your @ss out there and do the best you can!

[Ladyjane14]

jasmine started to cry again this afternoon when i dropped her back home its killing me to see her like this !

 

Babies don't like 'Change'. I think it'll probably help you feel better if you can put her behavior in context just a little bit. Say, for example.. you and your WW had a perfect marriage and you were dropping her off for nursery school.. it's still probable that she'd cry and fuss. That's just what babies do.

 

Try not to internalize too much, Coath.

[coath]

just an update , today my emotions are like a rollercoaster first crying then singing then in a world of my own day dreaming , i really want to go and see her tonight do you think its a good idea !sometimes my head feels like its going to explode !

[coath]

an update on the situationi went home yesterday to put jasmine to bed and spoke to sam about the situation !bad idea , seems that she has some feelings for a man at work he is 30 she said that he is just a friend and has looked after her when she was crying at work ! but as soon as she told me his age she started to cry and then when on the defencive about it , he is single and has no children thats all i know.so there not much i can do , just come to terms with it i surpose !

[Melovator]

I'm really sorry mate, I had a feeling something like this was happening. If she has 'feelings' for him they're probably not just friendly, hate to say it.

 

And as harsh as it sounds you need to forget about 'Sam your Wife' she doesn't exist anymore, you need to deal with 'Sam your co-parent' who is probably going to be a much different woman to the one you thought you knew.

 

Please take the time to read some of the other guy's threads here, this is just going to be the start of a big roller- coaster ride, and what sucks is you won't be able to get off.

 

All you can do right now is concentrate on yourself and your daughter. Start exercising if you don't already, start thinking about your life and how you want it to be and start taking steps to achieve that. Each little thing you do now adds up even if you can't see it until down the track.

 

Come on here and vent and rant and rave but don't do it at her, you don't want to do anything you'll regret once you've stopped hurting, or anything that will wind you up in jail. Furthermore, why should she get to know what you're feeling anyway? Why should you tell her? She doesn't deserve to know.

 

SEE A LAWYER!!! HAVE YOU DONE THIS YET??? DO IT NOW!!!