i need to talk to someone

[coath]

im going out of my mind at work right now all i can think about is if she has been seeing this man behind my back and shes using the i love you but not in love with you as a cover up so it doesnt make her look bad !i dont deserve this crapwhy am i shaking so muchshould i asked her if she has been seeing him behind my back

[Melovator]

Dear Coath

 

You are not in control of your emotions right now any discussion you have with her will not be productive and will probably cause you to say things you don't mean/ would rather you hadn't said even if you do mean it...

 

You can get through this- whether she's seeing this guy or not doesn't matter- yes I understand the pain you're in right now makes it seem like its the most important question in the world- but it is not. What is important is holding yourself together as much as you can, and getting your @SS through this with as much pride and dignity as you can muster. Going berko about this guy isn't going to be dignified and will probably just reinforce her decision to end your relationship whether she's seeing him or not.

 

Give her no reasons to justify herself. Be the best you you can be and let her suffer in her jocks when she realises what she gave up.

 

I'll repeat again: SEE A LAWYER! Find out your rights and obligations. You do not want to snowballed because of ignorance.

 

Also have you got a counsellor? Divorce is number two on life's list of stressful events and there is no shame in seeking the assistance of a mental health professionals to help you.

 

Keep posting, you can get through this bigger and better and stronger than you ever were before. I know that's hard to believe right now but if you want it to be true and do the work on yourself then it will be.

[coath]

thanks for your continued supporti just broke down at work and started crying again (in toilet) the thought of her will someone else in killing me , its only been 3 weeks !!do you think its wise to ask her if she has been seeing him or not , i really think she has !! why would she do this should i turn the love into hate maybe that will help !!!i just want my family back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Chrome Barracuda]

C, you know what she is doing, point blank, either she's F-ing him or wanting to.

 

It's not your fault it's her. because she couldnt honor her wedding vows and she cant honor you!!!

 

Forget her. Sue her for child support and dont even bother with her. She's pushing you out of her life because all she wants to do is to get her needs met. But words of caution the grass aint always greener, just because he's single does she really think he's gonna give it up for her???

 

I doubt it. And you know what your gonna be fine.

 

First thing is first. find this OM and confront him. pop his little affair bubble that she has in her head.

 

Hold her accountable for her actions. IT's time for you to stop crying and to take action!!!!

 

Now is the time to get off your sorrowful ass and do something about it!!!

[joekurtz]

thanks for your continued supporti just broke down at work and started crying again (in toilet) the thought of her will someone else in killing me , its only been 3 weeks !!do you think its wise to ask her if she has been seeing him or not , i really think she has !! why would she do this should i turn the love into hate maybe that will help !!!i just want my family back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Aw mate, don't you DARE let anyone make you feel silly for havin' yourself a good cry. Before you see this whole thing through, you'll have many of 'em most likely. They're only natural. Better to go off & get those tears out of your system rather than bottling up your emotions & then havin' a bloody breakdown because of it. You know?

 

Yeah, you're a man, but you're a human being as well. No one worth their salt is going to think less of you for a few tears during a time like this.

 

As for your "need to know" what the truth is about her & this wanker at work. All I can say is brace yourself. Believe me they all begin with the old "he's just a friend" line. I'm a blledin' expert at hearin' that one & as much as I wanted to believe it back then, I've since come to realize that it's TOTAL bollocks! Just bollocks.

 

For some reason, these types of women seem to think that they can "ease you into" the truth, but that's just nonsense. Utter nonsense. Better they just let you know the truth right from the start, because, the sad truth of it is, at the end of the day it's going to hurt like bloody hell no matter WHEN you find out they've been with someone new. So, why delay the inevitable?

[LakesideDream]

I'd wished LS and Lady Jane (among others) had been around when I went through this crap 17 years ago? It was just me, George Jones, and a fifth of Jack Daniels!

 

I'm up half way through my sleep cycle ~ so I won't post!

 

Just keep posting ~ us vets will get you thorugh this!

 

 

Gunny, you don't really mean that! Look at all the fun you would have missed!

[coath]

update !things are just getting worse , when to see jasmine last night and spoke to sam before i left ! i wanted to know if there was anything going on with this bloke at work she assures me there is nothing going on , but she does like him . i cant take this anymore the only way i can get through a days work is to pretend that this is not happening ??????????

[Melovator]

Are you able to take a break? Get some time off? Go somewhere completely different even if for just a couple of days. Just get away and have some time to yourself, being somewhere different can really help at a time like this.

[Chrome Barracuda]

update !things are just getting worse , when to see jasmine last night and spoke to sam before i left ! i wanted to know if there was anything going on with this bloke at work she assures me there is nothing going on , but she does like him . i cant take this anymore the only way i can get through a days work is to pretend that this is not happening ??????????

 

 

There is something going on!!! She's gonna lie about it. To either spare your feelings, or because if you know the truth you wont come back!!!

 

Get it through your head, that's why she wanted to leave you, is to bang this other man. You need to do the 180, forget about her and detach. Let her come to you. Dont call or contact her about stupidness. Only call if it's about your daughter. That's it.

 

I wish you was emotionally solid right now. But I know your hurting but you need to get your head on straight.

 

Good luck

[coath]

i want to be strong through this but i want to fight to keep my family together.the family that i startedthe family that i looked after the family that i want to look after ever more ! i dont want some p**ck picking up where i left off raising my little girl i say fu*k that.

[coath]

hi , an update , i know all of you dont know me or my situation completly but try and help me out undersatnd this.i went down to see sam and jasmine last night again i know its not the thing to do but i couldnt help myself ! anyway instead of asking her about the man that may be involved i spoke to her softly and just told her how i felt at that moment she did get upset and cryied a little then told me she had a head ache and wanted to go to bed so she asked me to leave. so before i left i ask her how her mum a dad was , a little history on them sams dad has been married twice no kids with the first she left him for another man 4 kids with the secound wife ( sams mum) been together for 25 years they all got together on wednesday and had tea, well i found out that sams little sister had some heated words with sam so she left with jasmine and got a taxi home the her sister leaves the house upset and also got a taxi home , sams perents then had a argument (which never happens) sam dad phoned sam and said he thinks his marrage is on the line !!!!!!!!!! still not talking .sam has always been very close to her mum almost like sisters so maybe its me and the way i am thinking right now but this is what i think has happend.sam has told her mum about this man at work and the way she feels her dad has found out and maybe started to defend me , i am very close to sams dad and have been since day 1 !(going for a drink with him tonight ) what do you think !sorry about this post i know its messy and poorly typed

[Chrome Barracuda]

It's a possibility C?

 

Maybe they confronted her with evidence of what she's doing wrong, and supposedly the father's trying to talk some sense into his stupid daughter and the other one is complicating things.

 

Find out what you can on this other man. Hire a PI if you have to.

 

Your daughters welfare is paramount. Your only pushed out of your kids life if you allow it.

[coath]

i have got a couple of friends that are trying to find out who he is !not sure what i will do once i know ?

[Missy27]

Oh God ~ how do I say this without sounding ~~~ insensitive ~ ?

 

Look Coath ~ the absolute worst thing that you can do right now is go chasing this lil' girl all around town ~ its not gonna work ~ its not going to win her back and it only serves to make you even more miserable ~

 

Is she having an affair ? ~ Probably ~ by the sounds of it ~ but to be absolutely honest C ~ if she is involved with another guy at the moment then you begging, pleading, crying, chasing etc is just going to give her an excuse to validate her own behavior ~

 

So you find out who this dude is ~ then what ? ~ you do something that lands you in the slammer ~ you say something that gives her an excuse to slap an RO on you ~ so then you cant even see your daughter ~~ NO WAY man ~ you better than that.

 

I might be wrong here ~ but the way I see it ~ you gotta STOP letting HER rule your life ~ all your doing at the moment is being re-active when you need to be Pro-active ~

 

This is a GOLDEN opportunity to work out what YOU want out of life ~ what YOUR needs are and where YOU want to be in 5 ~ 10 ~ 15 years time ~ Its a damn sh*tty way to have to start thinking about these things ~ but an golden opportunity none the less

 

At the end of the day ~ you got married young ~ you had daughter young and you've never really been given the chance to find out about YOU ~ everything so far has been about wife and daughter ~ an honourable endeavour of course ~ but its time to think about YOU now ~

 

If your wiff STILL rules the roost ~ even now while your separated ~ then your gonna find yourself living her life FOR her for the rest of YOUR life ~ that aint no good C ~ you've got to live for YOU as well ~

 

I think you need to give this girl a taste of what the MAN Coath is REALLY about ~ ~ start getting busy living your life ~ start doing the things that YOU want to do ~ put your Big Boy Pants on and give lil' Sammy a REASON to think "Oh ****e ~ what the bejeezus have I gone and done lettin HIM outta my life ~

 

In Other Words ~ MAN UP ~

 

I can tell you from experience that women like to be with a man thats mentally strong ~ someone SHE can lean on now and then ~ someone to call her on her BS and knock her off her high horse once on a while ~ I'm not talking some kind of neanderthal a$$ wipe here ~ just a man who can lock horns with her sometimes ~ and win ~ !!

[ilmw]

Oh God ~ how do I say this without sounding ~~~ insensitive ~ ?

 

Look Coath ~ the absolute worst thing that you can do right now is go chasing this lil' girl all around town ~ its not gonna work ~ its not going to win her back and it only serves to make you even more miserable ~

 

Is she having an affair ? ~ Probably ~ by the sounds of it ~ but to be absolutely honest C ~ if she is involved with another guy at the moment then you begging, pleading, crying, chasing etc is just going to give her an excuse to validate her own behavior ~

 

So you find out who this dude is ~ then what ? ~ you do something that lands you in the slammer ~ you say something that gives her an excuse to slap an RO on you ~ so then you cant even see your daughter ~~ NO WAY man ~ you better than that.

 

I might be wrong here ~ but the way I see it ~ you gotta STOP letting HER rule your life ~ all your doing at the moment is being re-active when you need to be Pro-active ~

 

This is a GOLDEN opportunity to work out what YOU want out of life ~ what YOUR needs are and where YOU want to be in 5 ~ 10 ~ 15 years time ~ Its a damn sh*tty way to have to start thinking about these things ~ but an golden opportunity none the less

 

At the end of the day ~ you got married young ~ you had daughter young and you've never really been given the chance to find out about YOU ~ everything so far has been about wife and daughter ~ an honourable endeavour of course ~ but its time to think about YOU now ~

 

If your wiff STILL rules the roost ~ even now while your separated ~ then your gonna find yourself living her life FOR her for the rest of YOUR life ~ that aint no good C ~ you've got to live for YOU as well ~

 

I think you need to give this girl a taste of what the MAN Coath is REALLY about ~ ~ start getting busy living your life ~ start doing the things that YOU want to do ~ put your Big Boy Pants on and give lil' Sammy a REASON to think "Oh ****e ~ what the bejeezus have I gone and done lettin HIM outta my life ~

 

In Other Words ~ MAN UP ~

 

I can tell you from experience that women like to be with a man thats mentally strong ~ someone SHE can lean on now and then ~ someone to call her on her BS and knock her off her high horse once on a while ~ I'm not talking some kind of neanderthal a$$ wipe here ~ just a man who can lock horns with her sometimes ~ and win ~ !!

 

Ummm... absolutely correct! Excellent post Missy!

 

Listen to Missy's words!

 

ilmw

[Ladyjane14]

Oh God ~ how do I say this without sounding ~~~ insensitive ~ ?

 

Look Coath ~ the absolute worst thing that you can do right now is go chasing this lil' girl all around town ~ its not gonna work ~ its not going to win her back and it only serves to make you even more miserable ~

 

Is she having an affair ? ~ Probably ~ by the sounds of it ~ but to be absolutely honest C ~ if she is involved with another guy at the moment then you begging, pleading, crying, chasing etc is just going to give her an excuse to validate her own behavior ~

 

So you find out who this dude is ~ then what ? ~ you do something that lands you in the slammer ~ you say something that gives her an excuse to slap an RO on you ~ so then you cant even see your daughter ~~ NO WAY man ~ you better than that.

 

I might be wrong here ~ but the way I see it ~ you gotta STOP letting HER rule your life ~ all your doing at the moment is being re-active when you need to be Pro-active ~

 

This is a GOLDEN opportunity to work out what YOU want out of life ~ what YOUR needs are and where YOU want to be in 5 ~ 10 ~ 15 years time ~ Its a damn sh*tty way to have to start thinking about these things ~ but an golden opportunity none the less

 

At the end of the day ~ you got married young ~ you had daughter young and you've never really been given the chance to find out about YOU ~ everything so far has been about wife and daughter ~ an honourable endeavour of course ~ but its time to think about YOU now ~

 

If your wiff STILL rules the roost ~ even now while your separated ~ then your gonna find yourself living her life FOR her for the rest of YOUR life ~ that aint no good C ~ you've got to live for YOU as well ~

 

I think you need to give this girl a taste of what the MAN Coath is REALLY about ~ ~ start getting busy living your life ~ start doing the things that YOU want to do ~ put your Big Boy Pants on and give lil' Sammy a REASON to think "Oh ****e ~ what the bejeezus have I gone and done lettin HIM outta my life ~

 

In Other Words ~ MAN UP ~

 

I can tell you from experience that women like to be with a man thats mentally strong ~ someone SHE can lean on now and then ~ someone to call her on her BS and knock her off her high horse once on a while ~ I'm not talking some kind of neanderthal a$$ wipe here ~ just a man who can lock horns with her sometimes ~ and win ~ !!

 

Preach it, sister!!! Amen! Amen!

[joekurtz]

Coath, listen to Missy.

 

For God sakes don't follow my example & waste almost three & a half years waiting around for your wife to "come to her senses". And, as difficult as I know it will be for you, stop all the begging & pleading stuff because, sadly, it won't work at all.

 

All it will do is further empower her & reaffirm her knowledge that she can choose to do basically anything she wants to do & you'll still be there for her. She can continue what is most likely an affair with this other bloody individual, see where it goes, hook up with someone else afterwards if that relationship doesn't work out & she'll be content to know that you're snuggled safely if her back pocket should she need you.

 

DON'T BE THAT GUY!

 

By all means, be the best dad you can be for Jasmine & make her/her well being your top priority, but then put yourself in at a solid #2, NOT your wife. She chose this course, not you. So, don't you put yourself in the position of being the "whipping boy" for it.

 

Believe me, it's a REALLY shi**y way to live & you don't deserve it. OK?

 

Is there something you've always wanted to do or try out as far as activities or hobbies etc., but that you never had the time for before? Some interest that perhaps you used to persue, but stopped when you got married?

 

Now's the time to go out & be "selfish". Do it & have fun.

 

-------------------------

 

As for finding out all you can about this other bloke. Finding out a bit about him & getting a look at the wanker is, I know, something that you'll be compelled to do regardless of what anyone says. It's just human nature.

But, please, no confrontations.

 

As momentarily good as taking a poke at this fellow would make you feel, it's not worth it. Infact, just like Missy so smartly said, it could just lead to you being percieved as a "danger" & give your wife an excuse to get an order of protection from you. Which will make seeing Jasmine as often as you'd like to quite difficult.

 

Your mates might tell you to go "put the boots" to this guy, but your REAL friends will speak logic to you & tell you what a bad idea it is. You don't need to spend a night in jail, pay for a lawyear, go through a few court appearances & all that to prove that your a man to your wife.

 

And, while you'll have visions of being seen as the "conquering hero" if you give this guy a pasting, in truth, your wife will just think you're a nutter & probably go off to tend to this guy's wounds.

 

Listen to the voice of experience here son, I've handled this situation both ways in my life & the youthful response was dumb, dumb, DUMB. Be mature, keep your head & you'll be fine.

 

Peace my friend. Take care.

[sumdude]

Coath ... i have been exactly where you are now.... only difference is we had no kids. Your mind is so on overdrive, your stomach is about to puke .. you shake and .... you HAVE to know. You are obsessed like you've never been before and you feel almost insane sometimes.

 

Tell you one thing... it's 9 months later, I'm completely divorced and I STILL DON'T KNOW for sure. To this day the man she was always on the phone with for hours the last 2 months we lived together, whose house she moved into as a 'roommate' ... I hear from her they aren't that way ...

 

In the end IT JUST DOESN"T MATTER. She ends the marriage for whatever reason she has in her own head... It doesn't matter if there's another man, a woman, a job, a sack of cash, or whatever in the end all you know is that it is likely over. She'll tell you all the horrible things you did or didn't do and go on and on about how YOU screwed things up... and yeah .... maybe you could have done some things better. She will still magnify the hell out of it all and make you out to be someone you're not , crush you down etc. to convince herself and you that she's doing the right thing ending it. Don't buy it all .. just know it's human nature for her to do these things in order to move on. Don't bother arguing about it either ... it'll just wear you down and make it harder to work together as parents because you will have to be able to do that. So avoid creating a battleground for your kids ... even if she starts the first volley .. the tenth ... don't respond in kind. You REALLY don't want to end up having lawyers fight your battles ... that'll put you in the hole for tens of thousands of $$ and get either of your nothing but heartache. You'll need the lawyers to work things out but don't let them of your wife make a war out of it when and if that time comes. Years down the line the kids will be so better off for it.

 

 

ACCEPT:

 

The marriage was in trouble long before he came along and you just didn't know it or want to see it. The other man is a symptom of the advanced stages of a dying marriage or weak willed spouse. If there's any chance to save it then being a hard a$$ is the only way to go. Doesn't mean being belligerent or threatening particularly physically. But you're not taking this wishy washy crap from your wife anymore. You are a rock ... you don't budge on your convictions but you do not attack either .. she either all in or all out.

 

These folks are giving you the best advice. I wish I had been able to MAN UP wayy back when my whole thing started a couple months before my x moved out as a surprise. Instead I went into fear mode, too nice mode, need to know mode, can't handle it mode, i'm sorry mode... yeessh

 

Try your damndest to find and grab your cojones... say I AM MAN! I'm fed up and I'm not going to take it anymore! Then calmly and firmly tell your wife... ME, us, the marriage, the family first OR the DOOR for you! You don't play second fiddle or share with ANY MAN. She wants him that bad FINE ... she gets NOTHING else from you.

 

If you don't feel it just act it, your acting in the movie of your life... Live your life as if you're almost unaffected by all this. Finding out more about her and this guy might only drive you bonkers and possibly get you in trouble. It's only a symptom of the fact that your marriage and/or your wife are just not right..

 

IF you feel yourself getting soggy again ... just don't let her see it.

 

And whatever happens, you'll be OK. Know that ... tell yourself that 20 times a day.. because you will be OK.

[sumdude]

I can tell you from experience that women like to be with a man thats mentally strong ~ someone SHE can lean on now and then ~ someone to call her on her BS and knock her off her high horse once on a while ~ I'm not talking some kind of neanderthal a$$ wipe here ~ just a man who can lock horns with her sometimes ~ and win ~ !!

 

 

This is so true ... I was that man for a long time my ex leaned hard on me .. then stuff happened in my life and I found myself weak for a while. My X however wasn't strong enough to let me lean on her for very long before she jumped ship.

 

Either way she lost IT for me during that time and there you have it

[Gunny376]

About the only strategity I've really ever seen work is for you to go NC ~ and I mean as though you've fallen off the face of the Earth, pick yourself up, dust your self off, get your head and @ss wired back together, put a smile on your face, a laugh in your voice and get busy getting busy living your life!

 

If and when you do have contact with her ~ keep it on a postivie note, short, sweet and busineslike. She starts inquiring change the subject and tell her you've got to run.

 

Put some foottapping music like Mamba No. #5, (Can't resist but to getting dancing around the room! )

 

Don't let anyone bring you down, keep things simple & un-compicated and on a positive note.

 

Quit obsessing about her or any other woman!

 

Maybe you will be single and alone for the rest of your life! I've been there by choice for the last ten years!

 

Sitting around because your heart is broken, mopping and mopping, worrying about someone or something you can't do anything about? F*** that!

 

Falling in love? That's easy too do! Relationships? Easy to get into, but can be hard to maintain, and sometimes hard to get out of!

 

Maybe she'll come back? Maybe she won't! But if you go chasing after her, snopping and spying, and prying?

I can promise you she won't!

 

I don't chase women, and if I get into a relationship ~ you can bet the ranch ~ she won't walk out on me but one time ~ THE FIRST TIME!

 

Gunny don't PLAY that game "no~more!"

[coath]

thanks you people have really helped me !i know i should have been stronger from the start but i didnt i surpose you live and learn ! but this is it now no more ! its man time !!!i probably made things worse by doing the things i have done this week but i wanted to fight to get my family back ! like i said to her if the shoe was on the other foot would you fight for it and she said yes i would !! but i cant go on with this anymore things have got to change its been 3 weeks now !!! its time to pick myself up !!

[joekurtz]

thanks you people have really helped me !i know i should have been stronger from the start but i didnt i surpose you live and learn ! but this is it now no more ! its man time !!!i probably made things worse by doing the things i have done this week but i wanted to fight to get my family back ! like i said to her if the shoe was on the other foot would you fight for it and she said yes i would !! but i cant go on with this anymore things have got to change its been 3 weeks now !!! its time to pick myself up !!

 

 

That's the attitude son!

 

Good to see you gathering up some strength. Just don't be too hard on yourself when you falter down the line. That's a natural occurance & is bound to happen sooner or later. Just be aware of that.

 

What you're going through will have it's peaks & vallies. Some of the latter being very deep, but you'll get through 'em.

[Gunny376]

That's the spirit! You just need to find your "brass" and do what you've got to do to get through this!

[coath]

sorry people but i had a bit of a relapse today , i saw sam and jasmine this afternoon i was slipped back in to the fool i feel like a right idiot but i couldnt help it .

 

but i am fed up of all this chasing she not interested so i just need to get on with my life but its a big book to close and this is the easy part !

 

i thank you all again for your continued support , please keep it coming

[Melovator]

i just need to get on with my life but its a big book to close and this is the easy part !

 

I often get the mental image of trying to close an overloaded suitcase- it takes all your strength of will to get the bugger closed and then the locks pop open and you have to start again. You are going to have ups and downs for a while, a long while, if you're having a down, don't talk to sam about it- at this point its none of her business how you are feeling anymore she has lost the right to know.