i need to talk to someone

[Missy27]

It IS normal for your emotions to be all over the place ~~ you're grieving

 

A month for every year ~~ I cant recall how long you two were married ~ I know you are quite young. If you were married for 6 years ~ 6 months to heal ~ 13 years ~ 13 months to heal ~ 25 years ~ 25 months to heal ~~ its not spot on ~ but roughly ~ it makes sense.

 

Thing is ~~ when I say HEALING time ~ I mean how long it takes you to adapt to your situation ~ accept it ~ get over it ~ and move on with your life and BE HAPPY ~~

 

BUT ~~ there comes a time when we've just got stop ~ take a step back ~ quit crying ~ stop the pity party and TRY and get on with our lives ~~ cyring wont bring her back ~~ feeling sorry for yourself wont bring her back ~ losing your job wont bring her back ~ and to top it all off ~ none of the above are going to help YOU move on with your life either ~ so you're actually giving YOURSELF a double whammy of misery ~ YOU deserve better than that coath ~ COME ON MAN ~~

 

To a point ~ you've gotta "fake it til you make it" ~~ You've got to FORCE yourself to get up in the morning ~ look out the window on a beautiful sunny day and say "wow ~ whatever's happened in my life ~ it sure still is a cracking day out there" ~ You've got to MAKE youself have a shave ~ tidy yourself up ~ gel your hair up ~ spary on some cologne ~ put your best gear on ~ and look in the mirror and say "wow ~ whatever's happened in my life ~ I sure look good today ~ and wow ~ I actually FEEL good about myself today" ~~ even if you dont FEEL like that to begin with ~~ you keep PUSHING yourself and TELLING yourself these things ~ day in day out ~ eventually your gonna start believing them ~ ~ then eventually you'll start ACTUALLY feeling them for real ~~ its true ~~ its all part of our physcological make up ~~ the mind is a POWERFUL tool ~ use it in the right way and it will heal your heart for you ~~

 

Dont expect to get up one day ~~ look out the window ~ say its a beautiful day and think that all willl be well with the world for evermore ~ its a gradual processs ~ and it DOES take time ~ but for each day that you tell yourself somethin positive ~ is a step further towards healing ~~

 

Life's a funny ole' game Coath ~ NO-ONE upon NO-ONE ever told us it was gonna be easy ~ No-one promised us from day dot that we were never going to experience pain and sorrow and misery and grief ~ but it's all part of it Coath ~ Just like our times of happiness and Joy ~ Pain and Sorrow play their part too ~~ You WILL be happy again ~ Believe me Coath ~ you WILL be happy ~ Life goes in cycles ~~ like the seasons ~~ we experience something every day ~ and sometimes we're overjoyed ~ sometimes we're excited ~ sometimes we're so in love and sometimes we're not ~ when you loose someone ~ it doesn't mean that you wont find someone else in the future who makes you equally ~ if not more happy ~ ya just never know ~~

 

Right now ~~ your priorities are ~ YOU ~ and Jasmine ~~ that little girls going to be confused because daddy's not around ~ she's in a new house ~ and daddy's not there ~~ YOU need to pull it together for her primarily ~ make her encounters with you COUNT ~ she doesn't want to see upset daddy ~ she wants to see HER daddy ~ strong daddy ~ who loves and cares about her ~ and can still provide her with a safe and stable environment ~ even if he's not with mommy anymore ~~~

 

I think you said you were in the UK ~~ SO ~~ First thing ~~ make an appoitnment with your doctor ~~ Personally ~~ I think you could benefit from some anti-depressent medication ~~ not long term ~~ but for the immediate interim ~~ just to help you get your sh~t together for a minute or two ~~ to help you think clearly about things ~~ and get stuff into perspective ~~

 

You need to make sure you're sleeping ~~ once the AD's kick in ~ you'll probably start sleeping better anyway ~ but even if you go to your docs and get a prescripion tomorrow ~ they usually take about 8 weeks to start working properly ~ So ~ right now ~~ go to your local chemist and ask them for something non prescription to help you sleep ~ Gunny Mentioned menatonin ~ not sure if you can get it over here ~ but if not "Kalms" are quite good ~ you can get them at any chemist over here.

 

Look after yourself Coath ~ eat / sleep / excersise / SMILE ~ Laughters an unbeatable healer ~ go out with your mates and catch a flick or shoot a game of pool at your local ~ go into town and buy some clothes that make you feel good ~ eye up the girlies ~ (you can enjoy the scenery without getting an earbashing now ~ !!) ~ but most of all Coath ~ remember that there's ALWAYS someone worse off than you ~~ and you WILL be OK ~

[Ladyjane14]

...the only way i can see myself getting through is getting back together...

 

Sumdude and Missy have given you good advice. You need to listen up to what they've said and APPLY it. I'm not kidding. You're in trouble here and one doesn't have to be a professional to see that you're slipping into a depression, not when you're crying every day for NINE WEEKS.

 

Listen, I'm gonna give you a little bit of "tough love" here, but it's time for you to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and pull your sh*t together. You may be a young man... but you're still a MAN still. Don't forget it for a minute.

 

This wallowing you're doing doesn't help your situation. In fact, it trashes whatever marginal chance you might have otherwise had to put this thing back together. You have to present an ATTRACTIVE ALTERNATIVE to divorce. You can't do that when you've dissolved into a puddle, man.

 

So... here's what I want you to do. I want you to call and get an appointment with your family doctor and I want you to tell that doctor EVERYTHING that you're feeling right now. I want you to start feeding yourself a healthy diet, and getting 8 hours of sleep each night. I want you to avoid alcohol. And I want you to find 10 things to smile about EVERY DAY. I want you to LIMIT the amount of time you spend thinking about how much you miss your wife and family dynamic to less than 30 minutes daily. And I want you to use the rest of your time to concentrate on living your life, visiting your daughter, going to work, meeting friends for coffee, getting some exercise, enjoying a hobby, etc.

 

I want you to put your daughter's needs FIRST. And what she needs the most is HEALTHY parents. That means for HER sake, you get up off your duff and get some treatment for this depression you've fallen into, and you stay on that until you're better.

 

Coath, you send up alot of flares here at LS, but you're not really engaging with the people who respond to you. There's very little 'back and forth' as there would be in any other kind of discussion. So...

...talk to people. It's an anonymous venue. You don't have to give out any personal information, (and you shouldn't )... but still, ask people questions, respond to their thoughts. You know, even in such an impersonal format as an anonymous internet forum, I think it's possible to feel a sense of connection with other human beings who are going through the same sort of issues.

 

There are other guys posting here who are experiencing the same feelings you are. Engaging in conversation with them can help you to feel less isolated in your pain. So... read some threads and start talking to these fellows.

 

It WILL get better. Have some faith... and get your butt to work.

[coath]

well i have jasmine all this weekend you should have seen her face when i got back from work amazing thats the reason why i am going to pull through this smile from ear to ear !!!thank you all one again i always feel better when i post on here even if it doesnt make sense this might sound abit strange see what you think , the fact that she has her own place with most of our stuff which we got together p*sses me off , the fact that i have to start again buying all new stuff do you think i should just let it go !!!!!

[coath]

lady jane i fully understand what you said about responding and talking to others in the same situation as me , i am just not that good at things like this but i appreciate all the advice and yes your right its tame to pick myself up and get on with it . she is not coming back SIMPLE so all this crying is not getting me anywhere but deeper in this black hole !!

[Lyssa]

well i have jasmine all this weekend you should have seen her face when i got back from work amazing thats the reason why i am going to pull through this smile from ear to ear !!!thank you all one again i always feel better when i post on here even if it doesnt make sense this might sound abit strange see what you think , the fact that she has her own place with most of our stuff which we got together p*sses me off , the fact that i have to start again buying all new stuff do you think i should just let it go !!!!!

 

Glad that you have Jasmine all to yourself this weekend! You know what, it isn't such a bad thing buying all the new stuff, at least you won't be reminded of her.

[RecordProducer]

Dear Coath,

 

Can you get some writing lessons?

 

Crabby Bitch

 

P.S. So sorry about your situation. I went through a divorce and will go through one again. You'll be fine. I promise.

[PWSX3]

The fact that she has her own place with most of our stuff which we got together p*sses me off , the fact that i have to start again buying all new stuff do you think i should just let it go !!!!!

Heck yes; let it go!!!!!

When Mr. Reality finally comes around she will have all that stuff that "you" guys bought to remind her how nice she "had it"

 

It gives you a chance to buy that nice recliner chair & that big screen TV that takes up half the living room..

Now you can decorate how you want, make your place the way you want it & there is no one to tell you any different.

 

Enjoy your time with your kid this weekend & then next week when you are by yourself & you feel down, just remember the good times you had & the next time it is your turn you will have those fun times again.

[Ladyjane14]

i fully understand what you said about responding and talking to others in the same situation as me , i am just not that good at things like this

 

You don't have to be. The important thing is that you keep on trying.

Think of it this way... there are any number of posters here who are communicating in English as a second language, or who don't spell all that well, or for whatever reason have trouble putting their thoughts down in writing. People are understanding of stuff like that, just as you would be if the shoe were on the other foot and you were posting with someone who was having some sort of difficulty communicating his/her thoughts.

 

The key here is that you participate to the extent that you're no longer feeling quite so isolated.

 

 

p.s. I meant what I said in my last post. You need to see your doctor and let him/her check you over. Do it.

[ilmw]

Heck yes; let it go!!!!!

When Mr. Reality finally comes around she will have all that stuff that "you" guys bought to remind her how nice she "had it"

 

It gives you a chance to buy that nice recliner chair & that big screen TV that takes up half the living room..

Now you can decorate how you want, make your place the way you want it & there is no one to tell you any different.

 

Enjoy your time with your kid this weekend & then next week when you are by yourself & you feel down, just remember the good times you had & the next time it is your turn you will have those fun times again.

 

LOL.... that is what I did... TV and chair... weird... :lmao:

[coath]

quick update , i have been to the doctors he gave me some pills to help me sleep and aslo some escitalopram antidepressants i have aslo realised after many weeks of thought that the relationship was never going to last forever and i dont think she ever entended it to last , is that another step forward for me ?? i hope so like you all keep saying to me i am the only one that can get me out of this hole , time to pick myself up stop this crying and get on with it ! there has got to be more to my life than this ? thanks

[Ladyjane14]

quick update , i have been to the doctors he gave me some pills to help me sleep and aslo some escitalopram antidepressants i have aslo realised after many weeks of thought that the relationship was never going to last forever and i dont think she ever entended it to last , is that another step forward for me ?? i hope so like you all keep saying to me i am the only one that can get me out of this hole , time to pick myself up stop this crying and get on with it ! there has got to be more to my life than this ? thanks

 

Good for you, Coath. Now, remember... it usually takes a few weeks for the ADs to help you feel better. And sometimes, it's necessary to try a different medication when you don't get good results from the first one. So, if you're not feeling better here in a couple of weeks, or you start feeling worse... follow up with your doctor.

 

Think about this too while you're "picking your self up and dusting yourself off"... you weren't miserable in your life before you met your WW. Before you met her, you were walking around like any other day, sometimes having a good day, sometimes having a bad one, but most the time just averaging somewhere in the middle. It wasn't her as a specific person that made the difference between feeling happy and feeling miserable... it's the emotions you associated with her.

 

This pain you're feeling is temporary. It passes. And just as you were happy before, you will be happy again. Because your emotions come from within. Be a bit proactive in your healing. Be kind to YOU. Have faith in yourself and your ability to cope with adversity.

 

Don't forget, we find what we're looking for in life. If you look for misery.. you will find it. But if you look for joy... you'll find that too. A sunny outlook can carry you far.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I know your pissed because she got most of the stuff, but you know what go get some new stuff. Go get a black leather couch, one you just melt into when you sit in it!

 

How bout a 36 LCD flat screen TV with HD capability.

 

Get a kick ass Dolby digital surround sound 5.1 7 speaker home theater system! So loud it will blow your clothes off!!!

 

You can always start fresh!

[coath]

why does it feel like i am constantly fighting someone in my head for instance driving home from work saying to myself i could be so easy to end this pain and drive into this oncoming truck and to be honest it scares the hell out of me , i would not do it because of jasmine but i am so tired of fighting !!i keep saying to myself its time to get up stop crying but i dont feel i have control over it! i miss them so much everything reminds me of them , her and the relationship we had together , i cant even drive past her house i just feel so lost and my life seems pointless at the moment !!i dont feel like a man i feel like a lost little boy !! is this what men do cry for allmost 10 weeks

[verytired]

A real man? You love fully totally completely your daughter - that makes you a real man. You committed to someone and gave her your heart without holding back - that makes you a real man. You're not emotionally retarded like so many people are these days and so you cry - that makes you a real man.

 

It is not stupid to strive after perfection in an imperfect world but it certainly takes guts - it takes a real man to try to be a good father, husband and person.

[coath]

looks like your going through bads times aswell thanks for your post how are things doing with you !sometimes i feel like i am crying to much though, parents are there for me but i cannot keep doing it to them ! i know i will get through this as many people have on this site i have just got to keep going !

[coath]

hi , just thought i would update you today i woke up and felt like it could take on the world felt like i could walk up to sam and talk to her like nothing has happend it was a very strange feeling , so i sent her a message to see if i could have jasmine for a couple of hours NO REPLY.

now that feeling i had earlyier has past and sat here now i am trying to keep it together !

 

why cant she just send me a message and tell me she is busy and that jasmine is ok !!

 

i know this isnt probably the right place to ask this but i would like to get jasmine something special for christmas this year something that will mean alot to her and me ! just wondered if anyone had any good ideas ?

 

thanks

[Ladyjane14]

...so i sent her a message to see if i could have jasmine for a couple of hours NO REPLY.

 

Why is it that you two don't have a child visitation schedule (or custody agreement) yet, Coath??

[T L]

hi , just thought i would update you today i woke up and felt like it could take on the world felt like i could walk up to sam and talk to her like nothing has happend it was a very strange feeling , so i sent her a message to see if i could have jasmine for a couple of hours NO REPLY.

now that feeling i had earlyier has past and sat here now i am trying to keep it together !

 

why cant she just send me a message and tell me she is busy and that jasmine is ok !!

 

i know this isnt probably the right place to ask this but i would like to get jasmine something special for christmas this year something that will mean alot to her and me ! just wondered if anyone had any good ideas ?

 

thanks

 

Hi, Im assuming you are from the UK?.....

 

Coath, try to stay on as good terms as possible with the Mother of your child for visitation of your daughter.

 

Its worth getting legal advice (but I probably wouldnt mention you are doing this to the X yet) as regards your rights.

 

If you are not married or have not yet done so you may need to apply for parental responsibilty this gives you the power to make certain decisions about your daughter such as receiving medical treatment when she is with you, otherwise you may not be able to get treatment for her.

 

Be aware that the UK legal system sucks big time when compared to countries like the USA for fathers rights so its best to keep it all as friendly as possible.

 

Sorry you are going through this, keep posting.

[coath]

hi just to let you all know how im doing, i have got the forms for parental responsibilty should be completed soon hopefully sam agrees to it ???the days seem to be getting a little bit better ! do you think i am being abit selfish but i still cant get over the fact that she walked away from this with more than me ?? should i just grow up or what

[joekurtz]

hi just to let you all know how im doing, i have got the forms for parental responsibilty should be completed soon hopefully sam agrees to it ???the days seem to be getting a little bit better ! do you think i am being abit selfish but i still cant get over the fact that she walked away from this with more than me ?? should i just grow up or what

 

 

So, you're STILL 'round here pissing & moaning about?!!

 

 

 

Well, that's makes two of us mate. So, how've you been?

 

Seriously though, glad to see you pop in occasionally & let us know how things are going with you & your baby girl. And, I'm glad to see that you're feeling ever so slightly better about your situation. It's a long & terribly slow process my friend, but every little bit helps. Right?

 

As for feeling that you've treated unfairly by all this, no need to apologize. You're NOT being a wanker. You've every right to your feelings! OK?

 

So, peace & you & your little Jasmine take care now.

[hopeful26]

hi just to let you all know how im doing, i have got the forms for parental responsibilty should be completed soon hopefully sam agrees to it ???the days seem to be getting a little bit better ! do you think i am being abit selfish but i still cant get over the fact that she walked away from this with more than me ?? should i just grow up or what

Grow up? Naw. Age is relative. You are entitled to feel and think the way you do regardless of how "grown up" you are. When you make mistakes just fix them and drop another penny in the wisdom jar.

[coath]

<

Well, that\\\'s makes two of us mate. So, how\\\'ve you been? well i am getting better but there is still so much more pain to feel still more tears to cry everything to do with my life i am starting to question , job , move away , start again . i just kills me to know she is seeing this other guy , 8 years together !!i am still trying to avoid her but thats difficault , i am crying less and getting through each day as it comes !!christmas is on its way man tahts going to be hard !!

[joekurtz]

<

Well, that\\\'s makes two of us mate. So, how\\\'ve you been? well i am getting better but there is still so much more pain to feel still more tears to cry everything to do with my life i am starting to question , job , move away , start again . i just kills me to know she is seeing this other guy , 8 years together !!i am still trying to avoid her but thats difficault , i am crying less and getting through each day as it comes !!christmas is on its way man tahts going to be hard !!

 

 

Yeah mate, it is. It definitely is. But, at least you know that you're coming up to a rough patch, so you won't be blindsided by it. Know what I mean?

 

I won't sugar coat it for you, it WILL depress you. There's really no getting around that. This will now be my fourth Holiday season spent alone since my wife & I separated in '04. And, though I put on a happy face for our daughter Autumn & pretend to everyone else that I'm not bothered by spending Christmas & New Years on my own -- that they're just a couple of ordinary days to me -- that's absolute rubbish.

 

Not that I sit around my room, wallowing in tears the whole day, but I do definitely get depressed. But, I get through it OK & I know you will too.

 

Peace.

[coath]

Yeah mate, it is. It definitely is. But, at least you know that you\'re coming up to a rough patch, so you won\'t be blindsided by it. Know what I mean?

 

I won\'t sugar coat it for you, it WILL depress you. There\'s really no getting around that. This will now be my fourth Holiday season spent alone since my wife & I separated in \'04. And, though I put on a happy face for our daughter Autumn & pretend to everyone else that I\'m not bothered by spending Christmas & New Years on my own -- that they\'re just a couple of ordinary days to me -- that\'s absolute rubbish.

 

Not that I sit around my room, wallowing in tears the whole day, but I do definitely get depressed. But, I get through it OK & I know you will too.

 

Peace.

 

i am definatly not looking forward to christmas but i will make it as nice as i can for jasmine ! i just want to get out of this depressed state im in , i cant stop thinking about them two together !what do you think of my meds im on 5mg of ad 3 times a day do you think i should up my dose !!also i am starting to think i am pissing everyone of know with my problems just dont feel like i can turn to anyone anymore !!

[Missy27]

i am definatly not looking forward to christmas but i will make it as nice as i can for jasmine ! i just want to get out of this depressed state im in , i cant stop thinking about them two together !what do you think of my meds im on 5mg of ad 3 times a day do you think i should up my dose !!also i am starting to think i am pissing everyone of know with my problems just dont feel like i can turn to anyone anymore !!

 

Regarding the AD's ~ If I am correct ~ you only went to your doctor in the last week or so ~ if this is how long you have been taking the meds then I would give it a little longer before you up your dose ~ AD's can take up to 8 weeks to really kick in and perhaps a week or so longer before you actually start to FEEL better ~ stay positive Coath ~ You're doing OK. Breaking up with someone isn't easy ~ especially when you've got children aswell ~ just keep bimbling along ~ and take each day as it comes ~ it will get better soon